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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that DD won’t get a surprise proposal

262 replies

Bluebellewoods · 17/05/2022 23:59

DD is 28 and has been in a relationship with her partner for around a year and a half. They’ve been living together for some time and she tells me they are very happy together. I think the thought of turning 30 in a couple of years has been a big turning point for DD as she’s expressed her desire to get married and think about having children, as she feels time is running out somewhat.

DD tells me that she has decided it’s time to have a chat with her partner about her desire to get married and discuss and agree a timescale for doing so. I can’t help but feel a little sad that in essentially orchestrating her own engagement, DD will lose out on the special surprise moment of a traditional proposal which so many young women get to experience and cherish, which I’d hate for her to miss out on due to her impatience.

DD asked me for my advice on how she should best approach the conversation and I said I’d give it some thought. What I really want to say to her is just wait, she’s still so young and has so much time! I’d understand if DD had been waiting for years, but their relationship is still relatively new and I don’t think rushing an engagement at this time and sacrificing the traditional surprise is justified. AIBU?

OP posts:
Reallyreallyborednow · 18/05/2022 17:05

What's wrong with that and why shouldn't a man make the effort?

why is not ok for a woman to make the effort though?

Knittingchamp · 18/05/2022 17:28

Tandora · 18/05/2022 03:25

Dear Lord this has got to be a wind up? One of the most ridiculous and sexist AIBU’s of all time 🙄.

I honestly cannot understand why anyone would think this.

I think that giving a bloke (or woman) a timeline i.e. ultimatum to propose is controlling and also would make me feel like I was completely low balling myself. A guy/woman should feel like they'd won the bloody lottery with you, so they propose (or whatever the commitment is) and that shows they genuinely realise theyve won the bloody lottery. This is the rest of our lives after all. I'd feel like I'd devalued myself by forcing their hand and requiring a timeline, like I'd have to persuade them and coerce them rather than them looking at me and knowing, yea, she's awesome and I know it, and I'm going to make the biggest commitment out there because she/he's too good to lose.

It's completely separate from the idea of having a clear cut conversation about where the relationship is going of course. Noone should ever sit around and wait or get messed around. If you're sleeping with someone you should be comfortable enough to have honest conversations about where you both see the relationship going.

Also if your daughter wants to be the one to propose, why not? We can all exercise our agency how we want.

Sandinmyknickers · 18/05/2022 17:35

If anyone ever did a big romantic proposal.putting me on the spot like that WITHOUT having discussed our future at some point beforehand and ensuring our expectations lined up etc...I'd be furious!!

And id know that they are definitely not the one for me. I think its hugely disrespectful and pretty self centered to propose to someone as a complete surprise...it's a major life decision and it's noones place to put someone on the spot to give them an immediate (and often public or pressurised) answer just like that.

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/05/2022 17:41

@nxy

I live in the "real world" too and the idea of having to have a ritual in which you both pretend to have no idea that marriage could be on the cards and then the woman is obliged to sit around for years, wandering past jewellers shops, circling pictures or rings in magazines etc is not part of my world.

Apparently its not part of the world of most of the posters on this thread. And yes I do think traditional proposals are beyond cringey. But this is all beside the point really. If people want to play dressing up as princesses in the run up to getting married then its a free country.

The point here is that the OP appears to prioritise this over her daughter's agency in determining her own future. And that's quite worrying.

Blarting · 18/05/2022 18:37

nxy · 18/05/2022 14:52

MN is weirdly bah humbug about proposals and these kind of threads always bring out this type of poster.

Meanwhile, in the real normal world, it's perfectly possible within a couple to have a general discussion about whether marriage is something you want - along with would you want kids / how many / when; where do you see yourself living / working .... whatever. Just general conversations couples have to see if they're on the same page.

Similarly - any man in a relationship should instinctively know the type of proposal his partner would want - so he will just do that. If she's shy, he's hardly going to make a big hoopla. He'll just ask her privately.

I mean, how hard can this be?

On MN, it either gets presented as this dramatic divide between "princesses" waiting for years on end; or these very matter of fact, "I just sat him at the table" types. As if there's nothing in between!

Also, any type of proposal is assumed to be naff and cringe or "Disney" - with all sorts of doom and gloom forecasts about "the type of man who proposes."

The fact is, most men do propose in some way and it doesn't need to be a spectacle at all. It's personal!

When my husband proposed, he got down on one knee on some cliffs in Italy. It's wasn't cringe and it wasn't a scene for anyone else or Instagram or whatever. I was delighted, but it wasn't exactly total shock. Similarly, I don't think he would have asked if he thought I'd say no! Anyway, it's a lovely memory to have and we've since taken out kids to that place. What's wrong with that and why shouldn't a man make the effort?

OP, I think you're worrying about nothing. Your DD will probably just initiate a conversation about the future in general. He'll probably propose in the near future. No drama.

Oh course it wasn't a total shock. You'd already agreed? So why the "proposal"?

It's cringe!

Baileysoncereal · 18/05/2022 18:55

@Blarting why is it cringe?

i don’t get the people falling all over themselves to show how practical and unromantic they are.
surely a romantic gesture is nice?
just as if he buys you flowers and says he loves you - why did he need to if you already know

most people getting married will have a wedding with some sort of ceremony and tradition. maybe that’s music, a dress, a party whatever. But the couple knew they were getting married, they’d already committed, why couldn’t they just sign the papers and leave?

the point is as a society we like tradition and ceremony and having a nice day out where someone tells you they love you doesn’t seem like something to be ashamed of to me.

Blarting · 18/05/2022 19:01

Baileysoncereal · 18/05/2022 18:55

@Blarting why is it cringe?

i don’t get the people falling all over themselves to show how practical and unromantic they are.
surely a romantic gesture is nice?
just as if he buys you flowers and says he loves you - why did he need to if you already know

most people getting married will have a wedding with some sort of ceremony and tradition. maybe that’s music, a dress, a party whatever. But the couple knew they were getting married, they’d already committed, why couldn’t they just sign the papers and leave?

the point is as a society we like tradition and ceremony and having a nice day out where someone tells you they love you doesn’t seem like something to be ashamed of to me.

Why is it cringe? Because you've already said yes by discussing and agreeing? It's just a false thing, that makes it cringe IMO!

Blarting · 18/05/2022 19:02

@Baileysoncereal a wedding is a celebration with friends and family, very often including religion, definitely a legal ceremony, hardly the same is it?

oiwiththepoodlesalready83 · 18/05/2022 19:24

I remember telling my now DH that I was looking forward to having children and getting married and asked if that’s something he wanted/saw in our future. He agreed and we had an honest conversation about our relationship. Guess what….. I was still surprised 6 months later when he proposed. Your daughter is doing the right thing!

HowcanIhelp123 · 18/05/2022 22:40

YABU. I always have lived by the mantra that while the proposal may be a surprise, getting engaged shouldn't be. Its a partnership and the direction the relationship is going shouldn't be a surprise.

She can still have a surprise proposal, they may decide they want to get engaged between x and y dates, but the partner can still plan a beautiful surprise proposal.

Tandora · 18/05/2022 22:47

Knittingchamp · 18/05/2022 17:28

I honestly cannot understand why anyone would think this.

I think that giving a bloke (or woman) a timeline i.e. ultimatum to propose is controlling and also would make me feel like I was completely low balling myself. A guy/woman should feel like they'd won the bloody lottery with you, so they propose (or whatever the commitment is) and that shows they genuinely realise theyve won the bloody lottery. This is the rest of our lives after all. I'd feel like I'd devalued myself by forcing their hand and requiring a timeline, like I'd have to persuade them and coerce them rather than them looking at me and knowing, yea, she's awesome and I know it, and I'm going to make the biggest commitment out there because she/he's too good to lose.

It's completely separate from the idea of having a clear cut conversation about where the relationship is going of course. Noone should ever sit around and wait or get messed around. If you're sleeping with someone you should be comfortable enough to have honest conversations about where you both see the relationship going.

Also if your daughter wants to be the one to propose, why not? We can all exercise our agency how we want.

Show quote history

Huh what? You think a woman is controlling/ giving an ultimatum if she wants to have a discussion/ mutually agree a timeline? So it’s just up to the man to decide if and when to propose and a woman has to just wait/ have no input other than agree or disagree when the man has decided the time has come? And you can’t understand why someone would find that sexist or bizarre?

godmum56 · 19/05/2022 06:37

Yabu. Butt out.

P1lar · 19/05/2022 07:10

"Oh course it wasn't a total shock. You'd already agreed? So why the "proposal"?

It's cringe!"

Eh? Having a general conversation about something does not mean it's "done." For instance, if you're discussing something like, "Do you see yourself in London or would you consider going abroad at some point in the next few years....?" - that's not the same as - "Decided, we are now going abroad...." Or, "Ever thought about how many kids you would like..." is not the same as, "We are now trying for a baby as of tomorrow...." Its the same with conversations about general attitudes to getting married or the way you would want to do it. It just kind of comes up. Put it this way, if you're with someone who is totally anti-marriage or who never wants kids, you will probably know that!

And when my DH proposed, it was not 'cringe' thank you very much. What a depressing attitude to life you seem to have.

Blarting · 19/05/2022 07:13

P1lar · 19/05/2022 07:10

"Oh course it wasn't a total shock. You'd already agreed? So why the "proposal"?

It's cringe!"

Eh? Having a general conversation about something does not mean it's "done." For instance, if you're discussing something like, "Do you see yourself in London or would you consider going abroad at some point in the next few years....?" - that's not the same as - "Decided, we are now going abroad...." Or, "Ever thought about how many kids you would like..." is not the same as, "We are now trying for a baby as of tomorrow...." Its the same with conversations about general attitudes to getting married or the way you would want to do it. It just kind of comes up. Put it this way, if you're with someone who is totally anti-marriage or who never wants kids, you will probably know that!

And when my DH proposed, it was not 'cringe' thank you very much. What a depressing attitude to life you seem to have.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't have a depressing attitude to life all!

I do however see men and women as total equals and do not see why a women needs to wait until a man decides to propose! So outdated, it's ridiculous.

FGS it's 2022.

P1lar · 19/05/2022 07:25

What makes you think women are "waiting?" Such an odd view you seem to have that people are in a relationship, but in totally different spheres and have no idea what the other one may or may not be thinking.

Do you think most men propose to their partner if they genuinely think there a good chance she'll say no or isn't ready?

In general, it's not a great mystery.,

P1lar · 19/05/2022 07:29

And yes, call me old fashioned, but I would 100% expect a man to propose and get a ring and that's my prerogative. I don't care if it's 2022 or 3022. I am free to be with the type of man who would want to do that.

Blarting · 19/05/2022 07:39

P1lar · 19/05/2022 07:25

What makes you think women are "waiting?" Such an odd view you seem to have that people are in a relationship, but in totally different spheres and have no idea what the other one may or may not be thinking.

Do you think most men propose to their partner if they genuinely think there a good chance she'll say no or isn't ready?

In general, it's not a great mystery.,

Exactly, that's what I'm saying! It's a false thing, it's already agreed.

P1lar · 19/05/2022 07:57

Well no, a general conversation is not the same thing as it being "agreed" as in "let's do it." Obviously.

Does this really need explaining?

You know the type of man you're with surely? You know how he goes about things from the early dating stage. Is he the type who is very non-committal and just lets things happen? Is he interested in marriage at all? How does he deal with things in life? How does he treat you in general?

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 19/05/2022 08:16

I got a surprise proposal, but I was 23. In all honesty had I got to 28 and my DH hadn't asked me, I would have had the same discussion your DD is having.

Testina · 19/05/2022 08:25

I would have been so proud of my daughter for not sitting around having a Disney Rapunzel, “when will my life begin” life.

Good for her - she’s sounds great 👏🏻

Testina · 19/05/2022 08:25

Oh and, getting engaged isn’t even in my top 10 most cherished moments of my life. Cos my life has been bit fuller than that 🤷🏻‍♀️

ithinkidbetterleaverightnow · 19/05/2022 08:36

Not RTFT.

We discussed getting married and decided to go for it, ringing the registrar the following Monday.

I have never been one for surprises, and I hate attention being drawn to myself. My husband is the same. So discussing it on the sofa in front of the telly is very much our style.

Sameiam · 19/05/2022 08:55

I also hate to think what ring my partner would have bought without any input from me 😂 I've got to wear the thing every day presumably forever now, he was originally thinking a massive (5 carat plus) sapphire with extra diamonds, a la kate, and that would have just looked ott and been huge and annoying for everyday. I think it helped him feel more comfortable spending a ton of money and not being nervous I'd hate it - he was the one who asked me to go ring shopping with him, though he made the final choice and it wasnt a ring we had looked at. Over "just" got a 1.7 carat diamond now and even that catches on things and is going to take some getting used to.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/05/2022 09:41

P1lar · 19/05/2022 07:10

"Oh course it wasn't a total shock. You'd already agreed? So why the "proposal"?

It's cringe!"

Eh? Having a general conversation about something does not mean it's "done." For instance, if you're discussing something like, "Do you see yourself in London or would you consider going abroad at some point in the next few years....?" - that's not the same as - "Decided, we are now going abroad...." Or, "Ever thought about how many kids you would like..." is not the same as, "We are now trying for a baby as of tomorrow...." Its the same with conversations about general attitudes to getting married or the way you would want to do it. It just kind of comes up. Put it this way, if you're with someone who is totally anti-marriage or who never wants kids, you will probably know that!

And when my DH proposed, it was not 'cringe' thank you very much. What a depressing attitude to life you seem to have.

We'd roughly agreed the principle that we wanted to get married, and soon-ish rather than later. We browsed at rings. DH discretely went off and bought my favourite, and a month or so later "proposed" to me. Were we "engaged" before that point? Probably, but the proposal was the point at which we formally agreed, began planning a wedding and shared our intentions.

Was it cringe? No. The sheep didn't care. It was before Facebook was a thing. It was a moment that made us happy.

A "proposal" moment isn't a bad thing when there's no pressure involved.
Discussing that you're on the same path in life is sensible though. Repeatedly through life.

We have rough intentions to return to a place we once went on holiday. We've discussed roughly when we'd like to go. But until we book flights and accommodation, we haven't actually planned the holiday, it's just a concept we agree with.

MangshorJhol · 19/05/2022 10:10

@Bluebellewoods On DH and I met at 21 and sort of talked about getting married pretty early on. Had a more serious conversation around 25 and what would be a good time. Got married at 29 (no proposal). We are now 41. And really very happily married with kids.

I have zero regrets about marriage or the lack of a proposal (in fact second time around I brought it up because DH is American and I am not and marrying in my home country is a logistical headache which he wasn’t aware of). I have never spent a single moment of my extremely happy marriage bemoaning the lack of this surprise romantic moment. Literally never.

I wish your DD a happy married life with a supportive partner.