To be disappointed that DD won’t get a surprise proposal

[Bluebellewoods]

DD is 28 and has been in a relationship with her partner for around a year and a half. They’ve been living together for some time and she tells me they are very happy together. I think the thought of turning 30 in a couple of years has been a big turning point for DD as she’s expressed her desire to get married and think about having children, as she feels time is running out somewhat.

DD tells me that she has decided it’s time to have a chat with her partner about her desire to get married and discuss and agree a timescale for doing so. I can’t help but feel a little sad that in essentially orchestrating her own engagement, DD will lose out on the special surprise moment of a traditional proposal which so many young women get to experience and cherish, which I’d hate for her to miss out on due to her impatience.

DD asked me for my advice on how she should best approach the conversation and I said I’d give it some thought. What I really want to say to her is just wait, she’s still so young and has so much time! I’d understand if DD had been waiting for years, but their relationship is still relatively new and I don’t think rushing an engagement at this time and sacrificing the traditional surprise is justified. AIBU?

You are being really weird tbh!

You sound like a nice mum.

if it makes you feel better my own engagement was not a surprise. It was preceded by discussions about our plans for the future and I even picked my own ring. I wouldn’t change my engagement or wedding for the world, it was all perfect. I think you’re getting hung up on something that isn’t a bad thing at all.

I don’t think anyone should be surprised at a proposal. Surely both people should know where things are headed rather than be surprised.

Dear Lord this has got to be a wind up? One of the most ridiculous and sexist AIBU’s of all time 🙄.

I didn’t have a ‘romantic’ proposal. In a conversation, one of many, about where we saw the relationship going and agreeing that we both saw marriage and children on the cards my now DH just burst out with ‘let’s get married then’. He was a bit drunk and tried the old get down on one knee bit but I laughed and we carried on with our night. I love the fact that it was a mutual decision on the spur of the moment. We’d had a lovely day and it was just the icing on the cake. I’m glad I didn’t sit about waiting for DH to come up with some romantic scheme which would have probably been so contrived that it was cringey rather than romantic.

I think most of the proposal/wedding traditions are pretty rubbish anyway. Now is a good time to leave your daughter to handle her own life.

It's 2022, I think you're living in the 1950s!

Honestly I find the idea that women should be waiting around for a man to get down on one knee and make all their dreams come true like they are living in a Jane Austen novel is really quite ludicrous.

She's 28 and feels 'time is running out'?

What the hell.

@Blarting please don't quote the whole post to reply - we know you're responding to OP, it's obvious!
Imagine if every poster quoted the whole post before responding? We would be sitting there all day, scrolling.

Your daughters completely correct 1 why should she squander her youth on somebody whom might not want the same things?

you should be taking a great deal of comfort from thr confidence she shows

A year and a half is very soon to be talking about marriage. But there is so harm
In discussing if that's where her other half sees the relationship going in there future to make sure they are on the same page.

It seems very old fashioned to sit about waiting for a "surprise proposal".

I agree it hasn't been long but I also think that all engagements should happen through discussion. If you can't talk to your other half about your desire to marry then surely it is not right or the right time. You should feel comfortable enough to have those discussions. Also with everything else you decide as a couple such as buying a house etc. Your partner doesn't just come home and says - Do you want this house? and you are expected to say yes. All big decisions should be made through discussion.

This

What's more important, a surprise proposal or her happiness?

Would if have made you happier if she'd previously been engaged to the wrong man just so she'd had the 'experience'? I think your view is a bit strange.

We discussed the topic of marriage beforehand and we even picked a ring together but the moment, months later when DH proposed was a complete surprise. I never expected it on that day at that moment at all.

This is on the money

Christ. Hopefully you will have got over yourself by the time you wake up this morning OP.

Your daughter’s life is not a Netflix rom com movie!

You should be proud of your daughter for taking control of her own life not be disappointed that some Hollywood set up is not going to happen.

I would be embarrassed and pretty annoyed for my mum if I knew that this is what she was thinking about my relationship

I’d let her know that she can have a general conversation to see if he’s thinking the same re marriage and kids in the not so distant future. That’s not going to spoil an engagement if he’s planning a proposal, it’s just making sure they are on the same page so she’s not wasting time with him if he doesn’t want the same things she does

If she feels ready she should absolutely have a chat. They need to know if they are heading in same direction . He can still do a proposal if he chooses .

Blimey I’ve got a 28 year old daughter and didn’t have a surprise proposal, in fact I didn’t have a proposal at all, DH and I just decided we wanted to get married.
We’ve managed 34 years so far which seems a lot longer than all of those people who had the ‘full romantic experience’.