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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that DD won’t get a surprise proposal

262 replies

Bluebellewoods · 17/05/2022 23:59

DD is 28 and has been in a relationship with her partner for around a year and a half. They’ve been living together for some time and she tells me they are very happy together. I think the thought of turning 30 in a couple of years has been a big turning point for DD as she’s expressed her desire to get married and think about having children, as she feels time is running out somewhat.

DD tells me that she has decided it’s time to have a chat with her partner about her desire to get married and discuss and agree a timescale for doing so. I can’t help but feel a little sad that in essentially orchestrating her own engagement, DD will lose out on the special surprise moment of a traditional proposal which so many young women get to experience and cherish, which I’d hate for her to miss out on due to her impatience.

DD asked me for my advice on how she should best approach the conversation and I said I’d give it some thought. What I really want to say to her is just wait, she’s still so young and has so much time! I’d understand if DD had been waiting for years, but their relationship is still relatively new and I don’t think rushing an engagement at this time and sacrificing the traditional surprise is justified. AIBU?

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 18/05/2022 00:35

I don’t think I ever dreamed of a traditional proposal. My husband and I had a number of conversations about marriage before he asked to make concrete plans for marriage. We were sat on the couch on the time. If he’d have done the dramatic, public, drop to one knee in a restaurant I’d have likely cringed.

Not everyone places value on tradition.

Katypyee · 18/05/2022 00:39

This is 2022. My no DH and I were having a coffee in Costa and chatting about what to do with some money we had given to us. He just came out and said that perhaps we could use some of it to get married. I said, sure. That was it. No grand gesture. Now been married 12 years and have 2 DC. Not having a big romantic proposal is not the end of the world.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2022 00:39

It's a shame that she seemingly hasn't discussed her expectations and needs with her boyfriend before they started living together. So many women walk blindly into this scenario and end up wasting a lot of precious time.

HailAdrian · 18/05/2022 00:44

Every woman's dream is not a surprise proposal. I'd be cringing if my boyfriend did that.

Seeingadistance · 18/05/2022 00:46

FFS!

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 18/05/2022 00:47

She needs to know if he wants to shit or get off the pot! And make room for someone else. Tick tock and all that. Sounds a bit heartless I know. Your dd sounds incredibly sensible to me.
Marriage is a legal and financial contract. It doesn’t need to be flown in on butterfly wings. She needs to know now if this man is committed for the long run. If he isn’t and children are a dealbreaker for her it’s just cruel at this point to waste her time. I know many many women successfully conceive naturally in their late 30s but that’s not all women. And they’re just saving themselves up a shitload of heartbreak if that’s what they really want.

Doggydarling · 18/05/2022 00:48

YABU. I'm happily married and neither of us proposed, I didn't miss out simply because a man didn't stage an old fashioned out of date (now mostly for social media) down on one knee tradition. We discussed our plans for the future and decided together to get married, we went and picked out rings together, we told our families together, no one asked for permission to marry me, I wasn't a belonging to be passed from one male to another, my wonderful father would have told my now husband he didn't know me at all if he'd gone the traditional route of asking the fathers permission. I hate the 'surprise' proposals that are photographed/filmed for social media, I've a friend who knew her boyfriend had the ring because they'd picked it together after discussing the future, he kept the ring and then did the down on one knee at a family event in front of everyone while his friend filmed it, she faked surprise and shock but it was obvious that she knew it was going to happen, that is not romantic, that's attention seeking. I admired a ring in a shop window while on honeymoon, my husband secretly took a photo of the shop and the ring, on our first anniversary he gave me the ring, he had contacted the shop after the honeymoon and bought the ring, he held on to it for a year so he could surprise me, no photos taken, no fb posts, no witnesses, I'll take that over a proposal any time.

Namenic · 18/05/2022 00:55

I got married mid 20s. I didn’t care about surprise. In fact - we went shopping for engagement rings together beforehand - which was fortunate because when I tried on the rings, I realised that I liked a completely different style from what I had thought.

SouperNoodle · 18/05/2022 01:00

Whether or not it's a surprise, it's still an amazing moment.

DH and I talked about marriage and children and had a timeline in mind and we picked out my engagement ring together.
I knew he was going to promise within the next couple of months but didn't know when
When he did, I genuinely wasn't expecting it and it was so beautiful and he'd put so much thought and detail into it.
We'd been together for just over a year at this point and now it's years later and I still love his proposal.

SouperNoodle · 18/05/2022 01:01

*propose, not promise 🤦‍♀️

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 18/05/2022 01:06

FFS. Is it the 50s? The 1850s?

This is much the most sensible and best way to approach it IMHO.

I'm bisexual and so might never get a surprise proposal because if both of us were female we wouldn't be able to take the initiative and we'd be waiting forever....

TurquoiseSwirl · 18/05/2022 01:12

Tell her to wait, give up her job and start reading the 1950’s handbook for a wife.
i would copy my friend in the future and just discuss things, agree to get married and buy a ring and set a date. How sad for your daughter you think she needs magical moments like this. Wow.

DailySheetWasher · 18/05/2022 01:17

My kids are 10+ years younger than yours and I am already less invested in their love lives...

Anyway. I've had the surprise 'performance' proposal twice, and both times felt compelled to say yes at the time so as to not embarrass and break the heart of a person who I loved very much. Would much rather have had the time to really think about it and discuss it without all that pressure.

NumberTheory · 18/05/2022 01:20

You are disappointed that your DD will have more agency over one of the big decision in her life? You want her to sit around and wait for someone else to decide on their timetable without her input?

This is one of the most fucked up things I’ve read on here in quite a while..

Weatherwax13 · 18/05/2022 01:25

I think you should admire your DD. She knows what she wants and is wise to ask her partner if he's on the same page.
Would you prefer she misses out on her goals of marriage and children through sitting there like a lemon hoping for a proposal that never comes?
Still there in 10 years watching her fertility window close because she didn't want to appear "forward"?
It's 2022 ffs.

AllyCatTown · 18/05/2022 01:25

So many posts on here of women not sure what their partner thinks of their relationship because they’re sitting back expecting them to take the lead.

I don’t have a proposal story and that’s fine. It’s just superficial.

thevanilla · 18/05/2022 01:31

she knows what she wants and is prepared to have a sensible discussion with her partner about their future- what’s not to like!

SpringRainbow · 18/05/2022 01:36

Most couples I know just agreed to get marriage after having a discussion about the future.

I don’t really know many that had a grand surprise proposal.

ventreàterre · 18/05/2022 01:43

My proposal was expected, because we didn't have many opportunities to be together around the time DH proposed, and we had discussed the future enough that I knew it was coming. It doesn't take anything away from the marriage. We had other special moments, instead.

LovePoppy · 18/05/2022 01:45

i designed my ring with my partner

my proposal was still a surprise

Echobelly · 18/05/2022 01:47

Not your disappointment to have.

Sweepingeyelashes · 18/05/2022 01:49

She is planning on not being one of those women in her early thirties who posts on here who has just found out that her partner of some years doesn't see marriage and children as happening with her. Or he is saying that he just needs more time and doesn't want children for a few years but he's been saying that for years. Good on her I say.

Pallisers · 18/05/2022 01:50

My parents married in 1958 (both dead now) and we have their lovely letters to each other discussing getting married and when they could afford it etc well before they actually got engaged. My mother also helped with ring selection (her dad worked in a big jewellery shop). DH and I designed my ring together and I put some money toward it (at my mother's instigation).

I also don't know anyone who had a grand surprise proposal - like seriously if you are living together how much of a surprise can it be? of all the things to be worried/disappointed about for an adult child this is SO far down the list OP. You are lucky you have a lovely dd with a nice partner who has her head screwed on.

TambourineTimesThree · 18/05/2022 01:59

This can't be real. Surely.

If so, your daughter sounds like she has her head screwed on.

SpookyActionAtADistance · 18/05/2022 02:04

'Suprise proposal'

I'd love to know about your marriage OP.

This bollockry hurts me.

I never wanted a man to 'propose' to me.

Do you care about your daughter, or do you care about some mad traditions?

Marriage is a legal contract.

Marriage protects the people that enter the contract.

It's not a mad romantic thing that men 'do' to women.

Honestly.

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