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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why cheating is so wrong?

334 replies

Tandora · 17/05/2022 19:59

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

OP posts:
Antarcticant · 17/05/2022 20:05

I suppose it's because it breaches a societal norm of monogamous relationships (in addition to the other things you've mentioned).

Beautifulmonster87 · 17/05/2022 20:09

Not sure how you can’t see.
If you were happily married/in a relationship.. would you be ok with your partner having an affair? If so, then you’re not meant to be in a monogamous relationship. If you’re not ok with it, there’s your answer!

for me.. I love my husband, he’s my husband and if he wanted to have an affair with someone else I would be devastated as I want him to only love/lust after me! He’d be gone .. no ifs or buts!

Cheerybigbottom · 17/05/2022 20:11

I feel it's the ultimate lie. For most people, they want and expect a monogamous relationship and promises are made, whether legal or just voiced to each other, that they give their love and respect to their relationship.

If my husband has a casual fling or falls desperately in love with another and has an affair, he breaks the promise of respect. He breaks his word and can anyone really love and respect a partner they are lying to? Always end a relationship before embarking on another.

I think I must be old fashioned in really meaning what I say and honouring my word. If my husband cheats on me he tells me that his word means nothing, I doubt his previous promises and grieve for the future we planned and have lost. I would be so angry too at the thought of good years of memories tainted by doubt.

I think cheating is an evil assault on a relationship, both my parents cheated on each other and have never been happy with anyone. I think they ended up with lying, scheming people like themselves and have never felt content.

ImAvingOops · 17/05/2022 20:12

Because it means the person you love and trust is happy to actively deceive you, often gaslight you, has no respect for you or care and consideration for your feelings. They are willing to risk the stability of your family and cause immense unhappiness to your children. They risk your sexual health and your right to determine the course of your own life. You have ceased to be important to them in any meaningful sense.

Honestly, if you really can't comprehend this, you've either never loved and trusted someone or there is a bloody great gap in your personality where your empathy should be

SunnyLobelia · 17/05/2022 20:14

ImAvingOops · 17/05/2022 20:12

Because it means the person you love and trust is happy to actively deceive you, often gaslight you, has no respect for you or care and consideration for your feelings. They are willing to risk the stability of your family and cause immense unhappiness to your children. They risk your sexual health and your right to determine the course of your own life. You have ceased to be important to them in any meaningful sense.

Honestly, if you really can't comprehend this, you've either never loved and trusted someone or there is a bloody great gap in your personality where your empathy should be

This tbh

Sillystripytail · 17/05/2022 20:14

What everyone else said. How can you not see that?Confused

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 17/05/2022 20:17

There are so many reasons, I can't believe you really need to ask. Here are some others:
-a) risk of sexually transmitted diseases
B) risk of having children outside the relationship
C) it's not just about what someone does with their body, it's the emotions involved.

ForcingSmiles · 17/05/2022 20:19

For me it's the constant aftermath thoughts of "why are they better than me" "What do they have that I don't have?" "Why Wasn't I good enough"

If you truly love someone I don't see how you'd be okay with hurting them, ruining their self-esteem and confidence and giving them trust issues

VeryTrying22 · 17/05/2022 20:21

Have you ever loved someone OP?

lancsgirl85 · 17/05/2022 20:21

I assume you've never been cheated on, OP? You wouldn't need to ask this question if you had.

MmeMeursault · 17/05/2022 20:22

It's the lying and the deceit and the betrayal.

The phrase "left holding the baby" is very pertinent here. So while one spouse has given up everything including body, sanity, career etc for the baby (or twin babies in my case) and whilst they're shoveling nappies, special needs and nighttime feeds, the other one is dipping his wick in the neighbour and complaining about "not getting enough sleep" 🎻

It's tricky to see why one would think this is acceptable.

Or maybe you're having an affair OP and looking for a blessing?

Whatever00 · 17/05/2022 20:22

It's sbout being upfront and honest. If you want to fuck all and sundry be upfront. If I'm not happy with that I have a choice to leave. Dont lie and act like I'm crazy, paranoid or have trust issues. I don't think relationships need to be monogamous. I think that they should be honest and respectful. I also think what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If husband wants to shag other people that's fine but he 100% should be sure I would be up to mu eyeballs in cocks.

FlissyPaps · 17/05/2022 20:23

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

I have the same view … but about single people, not people in committed monogamous relationships and marriages.

If polyamory suits you OP, then go for it! Just keep away from people who would only want monogamy with you though. You’d probably hurt and deceive them.

lancsgirl85 · 17/05/2022 20:23

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

This is quite simply the oddest description of infidelity that I have ever read.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2022 20:23

I think the worst aspects for me are; that the cheater knows I wouldn't shag them if I know so they have removed my informed consent from sex; that the cheater has decided that they get to make their own boundaries but removed my right to make mine; that they are endangering my health without my knowledge.

There are many others.

CottonGoods · 17/05/2022 20:23

I have cheated, OP. My experience is that it shows that something is wrong with the primary relationship. That makes it neither right nor wrong, but understandable.

lancsgirl85 · 17/05/2022 20:24

I also think what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If husband wants to shag other people that's fine but he 100% should be sure I would be up to mu eyeballs in cocks.

😂

MmeMeursault · 17/05/2022 20:25

Maybe OP is in some loved up lusty fling with a married/attached person and can't see that their own selfish 'doing what they want with their body' choice is so damaging to others.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2022 20:26

lancsgirl85 · 17/05/2022 20:24

I also think what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If husband wants to shag other people that's fine but he 100% should be sure I would be up to mu eyeballs in cocks.

😂

I often think this. I'm fairly sure exH shagged around. If I'd known for sure I would definitely have shagged his hot mate who was absolutely up for it.

YarnHoarder · 17/05/2022 20:26

You've already partly answered your own question, lying and betrayal of trust and personal commitment. No one accidentally cheats, it's a choice made to betray the person you've made a commitment to (legal or otherwise) by having a romantic relationship (relationship being anything none platonic, not necessarily long term) with someone else.

Cheating also often comes with unknown health risks to the person unaware who may be exposed to STIs and STDs alongside all the emotional damage cheating can do.

You've made a commitment to someone, cheating is cheating. It's not having an open conversation about where the relationship is and what everyone wants from it. It's not an open relationship where boundaries have been discussed and set. It's not any other situation where romantic relationships outside of A and B have been agreed up. It's cheating and a breech of trust and respect.

CottonGoods · 17/05/2022 20:26

What do people mean when they say that you wouldn't cheat if you loved someone?

JanglyBeads · 17/05/2022 20:26

Your partner should be the person to whom you reveal your deepest feelings/hurts/needs and with whom you feel secure.

(I believe we were designed to be monogamous for this reason, incidentally.)

Scianel · 17/05/2022 20:27

I just hate the thought of my husband fucking another woman. That's our thing.

RampantIvy · 17/05/2022 20:28

ImAvingOops · 17/05/2022 20:12

Because it means the person you love and trust is happy to actively deceive you, often gaslight you, has no respect for you or care and consideration for your feelings. They are willing to risk the stability of your family and cause immense unhappiness to your children. They risk your sexual health and your right to determine the course of your own life. You have ceased to be important to them in any meaningful sense.

Honestly, if you really can't comprehend this, you've either never loved and trusted someone or there is a bloody great gap in your personality where your empathy should be

I agree with this ^^

Honestly, if you really can't comprehend this, you've either never loved and trusted someone or there is a bloody great gap in your personality where your empathy should be

And especially this ^^

Have you never been in a relationship?

MaryAndHerNet · 17/05/2022 20:30

In my.opinion.

Love needs 3 things.

Honesty.
Trust.
Loyalty.

Cheating breaks all three of those tenets.
You're being dishonest.
You're breaking trust.
You're being disloyal.

It's a shitty thing done by shitty people that should be slapped with a wet ferret.

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