To ask why cheating is so wrong?

[Tandora]

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

Incidentally I just asked my DP if I got drunk one night and shagged someone else, would it devastate him/ destroy our relationship. He basically said, if it was someone he knew/ had
to interact with he would be really upset because of the pride factor/ shame/ embarrassment, but if it was a
total stranger , he doesn’t think he’d care that much 🤷🏼‍♀️. I guess we are as weird as each other 😅.

I totally relate to the OP and have just accepted that my feelings around sex and relationships are very different to those around me.

I've written and deleted this reply so many times, I clearly find it hard to explain why Im okay with my DH sleeping with other people but I just am. We've spoken about it and are on the same page, he knows my boundaries and I know his.

Sex isn't just sex for us so it's not that I don't value our intimacy as something special. We have a brilliant life together and I plan to spend the rest of my life with him, as he does with me.

I think the 'lying' part of an affair (or cheating if you prefer) is what is damaging and unacceptable. You can't trust someone at all if they go behind your back. Someone you thought you could rely on for support turns out not to be the person you thought they were. That can undermine your whole life.

But I have zero problem with someone in a relationship (male or female) needing to sleep with other people and having the honesty and guts to be upfront about that and explain their desires beforehand. That then gives their partner the opportunity to decide whether it's a relationship they wish to continue, it gives them agency rather than being the mug being cheated on. Ultimately, we're all self-interested creatures and if what's important to you is sleeping with other people then that's fine, if you accept that it might cost you a loving long-term relationship. Let's face it, as a species we're not designed to be monogamous indefinitely.

There's an element of choice involved as well!

I was cheated on for a long time & when I eventually found out one of the things that enraged me was the choice element!

He had the choice to sleep with me & someone else and decided to do that!
She knew he lived with me, wouldn't leave me but chose to sleep with him, knowing he could have had sex with me in the morning & her in the afternoon! Her choice!

Me? No one gave me a choice, I was having sex with someone I loved & didn't know I was sharing!
My choice was completely taken away from me & that made me furious!

I guess that some people just view sex as being as an everyday thing like having a cup of tea with someone, whereas others feel that it is more intimate and personal and requires an element of trust and involvement.

❤️ So glad there are others out there who can relate.

apparently we are both diagnosable 😅 (although with haven’t been told with what…)

OP, I actually think your approach is actually quite healthy.

So many people invest all of their emotions, trust and happiness in in one fallible human being, often to their own detriment. I just don’t think it’s realistic for your entire life and well-being to hinge on someone who subsequently has the potential to destroy you.

You only have to scroll through the Relationships board on here to see how devastating this can be.

Being pragmatic about fidelity, whilst appreciating your relationship for all of its unique positives, is self preservation and quite liberating I’m sure. It is appreciating someone you love but accepting that they are human and, at some point likely to let you down.

I’m not sure how you got to the conclusion that I don’t value my relationship. Can you explain the logic? Also I’m very curious what you are diagnosing me with 😅.

Also OP there is a big difference between a drunken one night stand outside the relationship & something like a month affair!

I could probably forgive a one-night stand - shit happens but someone coming home from work everyday is a very different scenario!

I think you’re missing the point that most people are in a monogamous relationship, where it is understood that neither of you have sex with someone else. If one person then does you have broken the trust, betrayed the other person and shown a clear lack of regard for their feelings. Drunk or not, you can’t accidentally have sex with someone. It’s a purposeful decision to betray your partner. It’s not jealous, insecure or possessive to expect someone to not have sex with someone else in a monogamous relationship.

Whether people believe monogamy is possible (it is for lots of people!) is a different conversation entirely.

🙄 coming home from work and lying to your face everyday is a very different scenario

Surely then you could argue why not just stay single and have casual relationships why think it's ok to hurt someone? It's obvious why, most people who commit would be upset, they love the person and feel betrayed. Also the point you made about it being their body so why not, casual sex/flings can effect the other party passing on stds, unwanted pregnancy to name a few, never mind the emotional suffering.

For me it would be the deceit.

I hate any form of deceit.

I am in a monogamous relationship based on honesty and I would expect the same courtesy being afforded to me.

It's all about shared values.

SugarNspices - because you can still want to have a bond with someone and be close to them without necessarily being shackled by the enforced constraints of eternal monogamy. I think this is OP’s point.

Yes agree there is a difference. An ongoing affair involves more lying , active deception and therefore is a much worse betrayal in my view.

When my husband and I met we were both experimenting with polyamory- he was in an open relationship with another woman and also occasionally sleeping with other people, I was dating a few different people a few of whom were in open relationships. At the time I was mildly jealous of him sleeping with other people, because I wanted him all to myself, but nothing earth shattering (and obviously I was doing the same thing!)

When we got together officially, we decided to be monogamous and now obviously we’re married. What would really upset me now isn’t the act, it’s the betrayal of the commitment we made to each other. It’s all the steps that would have to lead to the cheating - going out for drinks or going home with her, lying to me about it, knowing that he was potentially risking our relationship for a shag and deciding that it’s worth it. It would feel like him momentarily choosing someone else over me.

I love him a lot and although I do sometimes find another people attractive, I just wouldn’t want to be intimate with someone else in that way. If he cheated I would know he didn’t feel the same way about me, and that would be deeply upsetting

People are free to make their own decisions relating to their children under the circumstance that they put their safety and wellbeing first. When people don't, it causes trauma for the child that comes up in ways that effect their ability to function normally in life and in a lot of cases, they end up cutting contact with the people who were trusted to care for them and have caused them this needless suffering.

If I was with a man who had enough money to support multiple wives, I wouldn't be happy with them doing so. There are more to relationships than the provisions money can provide. A mother shouldn't be expected to raise children on her own and in an ideal situation would grow up with both parents actively being there nurturing their development and emotional wellbeing, and to provide a sense of stability in the best interest of the child. Babies don't like it when their parents give attention to another child, that must be for a reason. There is a big difference between this care from a biological parent and care from a paid caregiver. The man couldn't be split multiple ways and provide sufficiently other than financially for more than one family.

In the same way there's not enough of a man to sufficiently split his various resources like time and energy and love and respect etc to multiple partners. In certain cases if you're ok with your partner seeing someone else then you must have self esteem issues to believe that you don't deserve all that comes with a monogamous relationship. In my experience with people who don't realise their partners are cheating, its because they're so used to being neglected in their relationship that they don't spot anything and if they do spot something then its because their partner isn't treating them as well as they did at one point in time

Quite.

For me the main ones are putting my health at risks, STI’s. The chance it might result in a child so would effect my children.

Because you have entered a contract with another person. Either legally if married or verbally if not.
Within that contact both parties have agreed to certain clauses.
If one or the other breaks that contact the contact no longer remains.

I get what you are saying but don't enter an agreement with another person if not willing to follow it. Stay single. Some people have open relationships.

There is a huge difference between a full blown affair and one off, people do make errors. People do loose inhabitants when intoxicated on holiday etc. Not saying it's right but people forget that we are human. To err is to be human.

But if you know that you can not be trusted that way don't enter a contract with another.

If you look at marriage a long term relationship as a contract between two people. It makes sense as to why cheating is wrong.

( and no I not cold or unloving)

Nothing as such if it’s kept away from your partner. Treat like a dump - flush and wash your hands, and forget. It’s wrong when you let it hurt your loved ones. It’s wrong when it turns out you don’t love the ones you said you loved. This is the reason, OP, why a lot of these “other women” end up getting killed by the man when threatened with being found out.

That’s good then 😁

I think you can see, but perhaps may not accept, that your feelings on infidelity are not the “norm”. Why this is, who knows? But to suggest you cannot understand why others would be upset is a bit strange.

I would suggest you did not love your previous boyfriend. When you love someone, the thought of them enjoying the body of another woman is quite awful. Most people would feel this way. You don’t, that’s fine. But to query why others would, when this is the societal norm, is really, really odd. Your feelings are yours - but I find it truly perplexing that you cannot comprehend why others would be upset by such a betrayal.

Maybe consider looking back at your childhood and the relationships you were exposed to?

But surely the OP's question was simply: "is there a real reason this upsets people OTHER than it being the social norm"?

It's called cheating for a reason. You should be honest and loyal if you enter into a monogamous relationship. Sleep with someone else without your partner knowing and you've just thrown those two morals/ethics/values straight into the bin.

I also don't think it's immoral or unethical to sleep with multiple partners, as long as you are both/all on the same page.

If you want to be in an open relationship, and you are both happy with that, then that's grand. If not, you are a liar.

It's the lying that is the betrayal.