To ask why cheating is so wrong?

[Tandora]

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

OP, if you truly do not understand why (rather than being deliberately goady) this shows a complete lack of empathy, almost to a psychopathic level.

The deception - Being deceived by the person you trust. E.g that person telling you that they're on away on an overnight work thing, but in reality they're in a hotel with their lover.
The lies. See above.
The risk of transmitting an STD.
The risk of pregnancy.
The breach of trust, see above.
If married, the breach of wedding vows, forsaking all others.
The intimate part of your relationship which you thought was exclusively yours.
It's not just the person who you're cheating on who is hurt, but the family also, such as the children.
It's not just the partner who is betrayed and deceived, but the children also.
It's a horrible thing to do to someone.

Really eloquent post.
to love someone is to trust them and make yourself vulnerable by doing so, to care for their needs, putting them first at times. If this isn’t reciprocated and is chucked away for a bit of action with someone else then you feel completely used and betrayed. It’s like stealing someone’s most precious thing and destroying it.

I was emotionally betrayed which I couldn’t handle. Not sure about sexual betrayal though. There are many types of betrayal but people seem to place a premium on sex.

I don't think we were designed to be monogamous. Though I am completely faithful to my current long-term partner and would sooner poke my eyes out than shag anyone else. I'm not sure why.

Mainly because, on an emotional level being cheated on hurts, and that applies to a lot of people. Just like ignoring does, or bullying, or name calling,or gaslighting. That's without considering the betrayal, breaking promises,lies, risk of STD's etc.

What if the person to whom you are married is a completely abusive shit? But tells no lies, and doesn't cheat on you? But denies you sex, and gaslights you, and refuses you access to your own money, and emotionally abuses your shared children? Do you judge their abused partner for finding warmth and comfort and, if it comes to it, sex elsewhere?

We’ve got all those years of evolution behind us, we’re not designed at all. I think it’s human nature to crave variety and although I do understand sexual infidelity has a special depth of betrayal to it, personally I think monogamy is an unworkable ideal. It’s a really creepy concept.

I know I am designed to be monogamous. That is my happy place and my natural state of being.

What if...

That person is not loved by the other person.
They should leave asap.

I think cheating is so hurtful and creates long lasting emotional damage. Not just to the relationship, but also to the person who was betrayed. They struggle with trust forever.

However, I do see that cheating is seen as more abhorrent than other hurtful things that people do in relationships, like getting a partner into debt for example. I'm not really sure why this is the case tbh.

I also don't think it's as black and white as the cheat being the villain and the betrayed person being the victim. There's two people with a story and then the truth somewhere in the middle normally. I believe the only people who move on as a couple after infidelity are betrayed partners who think they've equally fucked up and hurt their partner in other ways. Because otherwise, it's unforgivable and you would never move past it.

I don’t believe humans were designed to be monogamous. If we were, the divorce/affair stats would not be so high. I think we’re fed this idea of ‘happy ever after’ from a young age and it rarely works out that way.

i don’t know the official numbers (should imagine that no one does) but I think I’ve read 1 in 4 people cheat in long term relationships. They can’t all be bastards. Good people sometimes fall into relationships with others, sometimes because they’re opportunists who just want to shag around, but sometimes because their needs aren’t being met in their primary relationship. They can be weak, vulnerable, lonely, sad etc. Shit happens.

I do think there’s a bit of hysteria about affairs. I appreciate that it can be devastating for those involved but it’s always gone on, and it always will. Those saying that it’s about deception - many people, especially (imo) women, lie to protect their own security, their homes, children etc. They may want to protect the feelings of their spouse?

I’m not saying affairs are a good thing by any stretch but people make mistakes, or they just meet someone else who makes them happier. It’s sad but so common. If monogamy was a natural state, we’d stop fancying anyone else the minute we met ‘the one’.

Im not having an affair btw - just my own insight. I’ve seen it happen with friends - decent people who strayed for different reasons. It can be heartbreaking, but I suppose that’s the risk we take when we expect complete devotion from another person and they just aren’t up to it.

Because when two people marry they give themselves unconditionally to each other. Therefore to cheat extrapolates to:

Lack of love
Lack of loyalty
Lack of decency
Lack of morality
Lack of respect

Why are you asking op?

This was it for me,all this happened to me with the man I loved more than anything,who I had two beautiful boys with,lived with, trusted with my life, he was family to all my family who loved & supported him. He ripped our family apart & is now non existent to our kids & I'm left to pick up the pieces not just emotionally but financially too as he refuses to pay maintenance I'm in Ireland so I have to apply to court for that which I'm in the process of. He's living a new life with her,her kids & their new baby. I've had endless abuse,threats etc from her even though I was the one who's life was wrecked.
I'm doing much better now & I only communicate through email if it's to do with the kids,he doesn't see the boys,maybe for a few minutes every 8-10 weeks when he sneaks here during lunch as his gf doesn't want him around me

What if the person to whom you are married is a completely abusive shit? But tells no lies, and doesn't cheat on you? But denies you sex, and gaslights you, and refuses you access to your own money, and emotionally abuses your shared children? Do you judge their abused partner for finding warmth and comfort and, if it comes to it, sex elsewhere?

@CottonGoods These are all good reasons to leave, especially the abuse of the children. If this is your situation then please contact Women's Aid and make a plan to get out.

There is a growing movement that suggests consensual non monogamy is of increasing interest to lots of people, in part recognising that monogamy of many decades can be a difficult thing to maintain. This is very different to deceitfully being non monogamous. But if the other person never ever finds out, I personally don’t see the problem.

The things you describe are grounds for ending a relationship, not cheating. It's really weird that you think infidelity is morally OK if the person cheating doesn't love their spouse, or the spouse is an arsehole. I think you're reaching for reasons to feel better about your own cheating, tbh, which you know full well was a shitty thing to do. "We're not designed to be monogamous", "what if the spouse is abusive" blah blah. Cheating is still scummy.

If I picture my husband having sex with someone else it makes me feel physically sick. If he ACTUALLY had sec with someone else it would absolutely break me. I would never get over it.

Thanks for all your replies.
To answer some of your questions:
Yes I’m in a long term, committed, monogamous relationship.
No I’m not cheating.
Yes I have been cheated on in the past. I found out a previous long term boyfriend had been having one night stands on nights out sometimes when he was really drunk. I was annoyed when he told me- mainly because I thought it made me look like a bit of a mug , because sometimes we’d go out together with his mates, I’d go home early and go to bed and he stay out partying and end up shagging someone else. So it was kind of a wound to my pride , and I thought it was disrespectful- made me look foolish in front of his mates. Beyond that I genuinely wasn’t that bothered though. I wasn’t devastated or torn up inside or anything - just a bit pissed off that he’d been drunk and stupid. The way people talk about how hurt they are by cheating- I just think I’m missing something.
I honestly don’t think I’d really care if my current partner wanted to sleep with someone else…
A few people have mentioned that they want their partner to only desire/ lust after them, but surely that’s unrealistic? Even people who are strictly monogamous usually acknowledge that it’s possible to find other people attractive/ have fantasies beyond your partner… no?

I’ve seen relationships which lack

love
loyalty
decency
morality
respect

and yet no cheating is involved. Incredibly. Some my friends, some my friends parents (I used to think it was generational, but it seems to continue!) If someone denies you all the above, but still wants you to remain in the “relationship” with you… I wouldn’t blame anyone for cheating. And inevitably the party who has denied all of the above (granted it could be mutual…) will be the wronged party if

Because causing somebody you are supposed to love and be committed to so much hurt and physical pain is wrong. You invest in someone so many emotions and for them to become one of the reasons you are in so much pain is brutal. It breaks you completely

...also really weird that you think the spouse emotionally abusing the children adds weight to your "cheating is fine" theory. What fucking good is it to the children that Mummy is finding comfort in another man's arms? Good grief.

This is what I hear people say that I don’t understand. Why? Is there something wrong with me 😭?

👍🏻 This makes sense to me.

You have never been cheated on, have you?

If you are not happy in a relationship, then you have to leave. You owe that to you, your new partner, and also your ex. But then if you are cheating, you probably don't give a fuck about your ex.

I was cheated on. I ended up on a psychiatric ward for a month as a result. Five years later.... I still can not trust anyone.
You like somoene? If they are taken then LEAVE THEM ALONE.