To ask why cheating is so wrong?

[Tandora]

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

Its also quite good for career prospects. There is a reason politicians try to project the marriage and children image. It seems stable, reliable, you think they're one of the good guys or girls, they're not spending their time sleeping around and hunting for sexual partners but are working hard in their jobs as other people are in their careers
But would they be spending their time sleeping around, hunting for sexual partners or would it just become something that happens naturally during the course of day to day life. If you are not monogamous does it mean you actively go ot hunting or does it mean if you happen to have an attraction to Brenda from accounts you can act on it without the need to spend ways of creating secret meetings and pretend gym visits, or working away and just say OK wife Thursday I am out with Brenda. This leaves you free to concentrate on your job without spending time planning on how to decieve someone

he’s my safe space,

Would he still be your safe space if he was being dishonest and cheating on you?

I 100% agree with this.

💔💔💔. Thanks so much for pouring that all out. It really does make sense how strongly people feel about cheating when you share how its affected you like that. 😰

This is not a simple question. Men and women tend to want others of the opposite sex. Men want children to be their own. both want to be free of the possibility of STD's. Up to your late middle age, sex is quite a pressing need but if you love someone who wants and needs security etc etc then your die is cast. As it is if you are morally strictured by upbringing or religion. If however you are both of a mind to have others, then do it openly and with agreement.
I couldn't be totally unfaithful by my own moral attitude but to a degree regret the opportunities for relationships (sex) with some really gorgeous women were sunk by my belief that I should be honest and not betray the trust I felt responsible for.
My partner didn't feel this way and I will always wonder why I didn't take the opportunities like almost everyone else was. As one woman said to me - "its only sex" - if only that were true !

For those saying I don’t love to any depth / I’ve never been in ‘real’ love etc, you are definitely off the mark there. I’m not shallow , Im perfectly capable of emotionally intensity.
why does romantic love have to be jealous/ possessive/ insecure to be deep or real?

Because it's complete betrayal by someone should be able to trust.

I had one boyfriend who just straight up cheated on me. I was hurt and angry, don't get me wrong. But I would take cheating any day over the financial, psychological, physical and sexual abuse I experienced in another relationship. I used to think it was definitely the worst lie but now I'm not so sure.

Is there something wrong with me

Apparently.
Seems to be the most bizarre question and to even have to ask it shows you have a lack of understanding of the matter and the emotional toll it can take.

I was prepared to explain further but really, once I came across your bit about if your current partner did it you wouldn't care and I just don't think it's worth the time. There are obviously plenty of people out there who don't get why it's so bad and that's why they do it. But it's unusual to find someone who values their relationship so little that they wouldn't care if it was done to them. I won't state why I think that could be as it's not for me to diagnose but perhaps you should look into that further...

I personally have no time for cheats in my life as partners or friends. I don't need someone with low moral standards that are untrustworthy in my life at any capacity nor would I have room in my life for those who excuse and defend it...

I’m so sorry that this has been your experience of relationships. 💔💔💔💔

"Even in non-monogamous societies, its only a few men who have more than one wife I believe, and then generally only the wealthiest men."

I remember reading once that in some Muslim countries were 3 wives are allowed, it's done either by rich men who can buy a house for each woman or very poor men who can have a tent for each one, but not by those in the middle.

"I've never heard of a woman having more than one [husband].

There aren't many polyandrist societies and those that exist are for special reasons eg high risk of death of one of the husbands. Traditionally polygyny was to increase the population and polyandry to reduce it.
However, if it's true that around 50% of people cheat there must be many married women in monogamous cultures who have a husband and a lover.

why does romantic love have to be jealous/ possessive/ insecure to be deep or real?

So that's what you think someone is that is hurt by cheating or why they're against cheating because they're jealous and possessive.... Mmmhmmm ok... Wow... I think my diagnosis is pretty accurate. I'd be looking for some one professional to have this discussion with...

I won't state why I think that could be as it's not for me to diagnose but perhaps you should look into that further...

I think we are all thinking the same thing ….

@Magicpaintbrush I always said that it 'snuffed the candle of specialness out' I found out a long time after the period it happened and have never felt quite the same even though we didn't split. A bit like the OP said, I wouldn't have been particularly devastated by a drunken one night stand or something similar - I was however utterly devastated by finding longing songs and poems written about a very young woman we both knew well at that time whilst I was dealing with our business issues and our7 year old. We are all different I guess and some relationships are more about attraction and sex and others about 'an emotional connection ' - ideally you have both of course!!

This is a fascinating TED talk on the subject of infidelity...

"We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfil an endless list of needs... and I am chosen too.. I am unique, indispensable, the one... Infidelity tells me that I am not. It is the ultimate betrayal... it threatens our sense of self."

Personally, I don't buy into the societal conditioning that I need to find "the one". I don't think he exists. Instead, I'm fulfilling my needs by being in a non-monogamous relationship. And my partner has the same freedoms.

I don't get hung up on him having sex with other people because I understand that our relationship is so much more than just physical attraction. Yes, the other woman might be thinner, prettier... but she doesn't bring to the table all the numerous other things that make our partnership so great. Equally, he doesn't have autonomy over what I choose to do with my body...

But... the critical difference between non-monogamy and cheating is that the former involves huge amounts of trust and honest communication, more so, I would venture, than a monogamous pairing. Whereas cheating is breaking that trust irreparably.

If he had a prolonged affair that involved a sustained period of frequent lying / deception , then I think that would destroy the trust. Because it would make me wonder what else he might be lying about, if he could lie so constantly and easily.
If I found out he did something like my previous partner did, I honestly, hand on. heart, don’t think that would shake the safety of the relationship for me.

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

So if your partner told you he was having a "casual fling, but don't worry I'm not going to leave you for her", then you would be okay with it? Bizarre.

You make it sound like the only reason you would be upset is if your partner actually left you. Are you that happy and secure in your relationship that you don't care if he has a fling with someone else, or are you a bit ambivalent about your relationship and just don't want to be single?

Out of interest, what's the longest you've been single for?

Well 20% of people here are obviously not thinking that.
I think it's pretty shit to suggest that OP 'needs help'. Degrees of jealousy obviously vary between people and degrees of cheating do too from a meaningless one night stand to an affair that leads to one person leaving the other. It's normal that people have different viewpoints.

Absolutely this.

If you have gone against what was agreed in the relationship and cheat, then for as long as the partner is unaware, they are robbed of the ability to make an informed choice about how to manage the rest of their life.

So , again, because I wouldn’t feel devastated about my partner cheating on me, my feelings must not be deep or real? And my relationship not meaningful? What does this imply about peoples conception of romantic love?

im not saying the only reason I would ever feel upset with my partner is if he left me- obviously he does things sometimes that upset me! but nothing so big that it has come close to rocking the foundation of our relationship happily.

If he had a casual fling would I be upset? Probably a bit because of the dishonesty. Would I be devastated/ see it as the ultimate betrayal? No.

If he left me yes I would feel devastated/ betrayed

I can see how if it weren’t so socially unacceptable that we might (as a whole society) have a different attitude towards monogamy, it might be more normal to have multiple partners.
But we don’t live in that society and having an open relationship/multiple partners isn’t cheating anyway - ‘cheating’ implies there’s a element of deceit and betrayal.
That’s why a lot of people consider it their business to know if their partner is having sex with someone else, because they’re being lied to by someone they trust.

I think it’s in society’s current interest to consider it socially unacceptable as there’s potentially negative impacts if it were acceptable to have multiple relationships eg

• risk of children outside marriage/existing relationship
• undermines marriage and the family unit as it’s exists now
• STDs

I think it's pretty shit to suggest that OP 'needs help'

Im not suggesting OP needs help, we are all different, the fact that ‘normal’ is only defined by a majority thought, and seriously depends on your own culture and upbringing. Otherwise all people regardless of geographical area would all have the same basis for relationships.

Some cultures allow more than one wife, some embrace single sex relationships, others condemn them. Some live in communes to raise children, others prefer solitude and refraining from sex or human contact.

All perfectly normal.

I’m with OP, secure in my relationship, an affair wouldn’t end it. People make mistakes. But I’m not against DH going on holiday with friends, visiting family, having nights out or playing golf every weekend. Everyone needs a break and a change of scenery, I don’t control his social life, and he doesn’t control mine.

Because it is soul destroying, especially when you're pregnant or have small children.

I was cheated on when my baby was 2 weeks old and the whole thing made me really fucking ill.