To ask why cheating is so wrong?

[Tandora]

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

A lot of people say that the worst part of cheating is the lying and I’d agree with that to a certain extent. If there’s no lying and you’re just having an open relationship then I guess it’s not a problem.

I think with cheating, you know that not only have you been massively lied to, but the other person who’s in on that lie has a sort of intimacy with your partner that you don’t have in that moment. Not just the physical intimacy, but the emotional one of knowing something that you don’t.

My XP never cheated (as far as I know) but he did get caught out in some little pointless lies sometimes and the sense of betrayal - that someone else knew something that I didn’t, and the feeling of being a laughing stock - was the worst. I would get so upset when I realised that I’d been fed a load of bollocks, even if it was something minor because “he knew I’d kick off if he told me” like some woman messaging him, or telling his kids he was away with work instead of with me, so I was expected to go along with the lie to keep the peace.

The trouble with a lie is that it casts doubt on every single other thing you say. One time he went on holiday and was cagey about where he was staying. I spent the whole time convinced that he must be up to no good while he was there. He avoided saying the name of the place, which it seems was to save his DCs being jealous of him going He’d asked me several times if I wanted to go and I’d said no, so I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me.

He always said that he’d probably forgive me if I cheated, but I knew that I never would, because I just couldn’t handle the shame of him having made a mockery of our closeness by lying to me. But tbh I’d be the same about many other lies, so if he’d lied about money or house stuff too, I’d have left him, as the security I needed wouldn’t be possible if I couldn’t trust him.

So for me, I guess the actual dick part isn’t the worst of it, but the lying to me about it would be the end. Maybe a one off accidental drunk sex thing wouldn’t be as a sustained money lie for example?

*wouldn’t be as bad as…

Yep this makes sense to me too. Especially the point about someone being in on something your not, and the feeling of humiliation.

Trust me as the innocent party, the pain is unbelievable

Good reply I think.
There are reasons to some people that others would never understand.
Every circumatance is different

What if the person to whom you are married is a completely abusive shit?
But tells no lies, and doesn't cheat on you? But denies you sex, and
gaslights you, and refuses you access to your own money, and emotionally
abuses your shared children? Do you judge their abused partner for
finding warmth and comfort and, if it comes to it, sex elsewhere

But this won't stop the abusive husband/wife being abusive, if anything they will become worse if you are found out.

Best leave so further abuse can be metered out.

can not

On a purely theoretical level, cheating is devastating for the partner because cheating fundamentally challenges the partner’s own perceived identity and perception of practically everything. A relationship is the foundation where both participants build their identity on. It’s inevitable. We perceive ourselves through the eyes of others, especially those close to us. Partner tells us repeatedly we are beautiful/cool/driven/kind and part of us will believe that and grow with that. We trust their judgement of us, and that judgment becomes part of us.

When one person suddenly flips and cheats out of the blue it leaves the other person the need to redefine EVERYTHING. Are they really beautiful/cool? If so why did the partner cheat? What else have they lied about? Why have I been so stupid to believe them?

They would think my perception of this person is wrong, so that means my perception of many things related to this person is wrong, or even unrelated is wrong. Everything the cheater has ever said and done has to be reconsidered for their validity. The consequences is vast and it shakes the victim partner to the core. It makes them question themselves and their own views and actions.

These are excellent points. Although all pretty well summed up in the word itself - cheating. Odd to need an explanation really.

When you have sex with someone you don’t just have sex with that person but with every other person they had sex and they had sex with etc etc etc.

Yep.

The original biblical definition of adultery was a man (single or married) with a married woman.

Not a married man with a single woman.

The only offence was against a husband.

And men (by far most commonly) have practiced polygyny formally or informally across many cultures, without consequence.

OP, you said you would be devastated if your DH left you. But cheating is the gateway to that. Anne Boleyn didn't just stay the King's mistress, she actually became the Queen; of course she offered the promise of a male heir, but thats besides the point. Hypothetically if your partner is looking and having one night stands, he is making it known he is open to new relationships.Relationships can start out as casual and then become serious very quickly. We are human and we can let our emotions get the better of us. If you forgive 1 indiscretion i.e. a drunken snog, the husband will inevitably think that is ok and perhaps will progress further the next time (its very human to test the boundaries). Before you know it, he will be moving the mistress into your house and having a baby with her.

Marriage often involves the combination of finances. Even if you try to separate your finances, the courts wouldn't see it that way. An unstable relationship makes you very very vulnerable. So the best thing for any couple is to stay exclusive.

Not quite what you were referring to, but this seems like a pretty good system overall:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/01/the-kingdom-of-women-the-tibetan-tribe-where-a-man-is-never-the-boss

This describes it exactly.

Suddenly being told "I never loved you". That your whole life was pretend. The past set on fire as well as the future, trust destroyed and making your whole reality - that you felt secure in - collapse like a house of cards. It is absolutely brutal and all about the betrayal, not the sex.

👆🏻👆🏻this! Very well written. It's like a pain you have never experienced before and it hurts so much more when your OH knew your previous pain and vulnerabilities.

What's wrong with cheating?

It's dishonest, shows no respect or consideration for the partner sat at home wondering what is going on.

It destroys family's, mental health, self worth, friendships, working relationships, destroys stability for children, creates trust issues for future relationships, any children who witness an unhealthy relationship with parents are more likely to have bad relationships as adults. The list goes on.

But I guess, as you claim, everyone lies, you have yet to experience a healthy, mutually respectful relationship.

For me, it's definitely the lying and not having thought about how the partner would feel and to put their own needs/desire first. If the conversation came up before actually sleeping around, 'I think I'd like to start sleeping with other people, no strings etc' then it's a different matter, isn't it, it's a joint decision to continue the relationship together, despite having a sexual relationship with others. I'm not saying I'd be happy for my husband to start sleeping with others under my knowledge, but I'd definitely respect him for having the decency to discuss it before acting upon it. If he's not 100% happy with the relationship, then it should be discussed and hopefully dealt with.

And if they do cheat and are happy to lie about it and continue to lie about it and carry on the relationship as if nothing has happened, there's just no respect for their partner, is there...

Good relationships are rooted in trust, but also in a kind of self-giving and self-denial. On both sides. The commitment is as important as the emotion, it's the real bedroxk which the rest sits upon.

If people can't even bothered with the most basis physical expression of that, why think they will persist when it's really difficult and they are tempted to other things, intellectually, emotionally, financially, whatever?

This. All of it.

I think as so many people have said it's simply for most women not solely about the physical act of sex, in fact many women I personally think find the emotional disloyalty and the sneaking around and lying far more devastating. What pissed me off most was the fact I had been always putting them first, pandering to moods and foibles and going out my way to make sure life for them was good- whilst unbeknown to me they were certainly not putting me first and being emotionally disloyal behind my back.

To me cheating is abuse. It often involves lies deceit, gaslighting, undermining, then culminates in efforts to make their own lives easier and yours more difficult, be it financially or emotionally. It doesn't simply involve an exchange of body fluids, it is the loss of respect, honesty, trust and faith with this person you have invested so much in. The cheater is basically saying i don't care enough to be honest with you, I want to test the waters/feather my own nest before I jump ship. Ultimately they dont care enough about you to consider you in the 'investment'.

A friend of mine wonders why I'm not zen enough to forgive/forget what my cheating ex did. To me its like trusting someone with your favourite possessions only for them to steal or destroy them deliberately. Once you've had something like that done to you , you won't forgive, forget or trust so easily again.

I sort of agree with you, but it's not because i think cheating is ok. To be clear I think it is disgraceful.

What surprises me is the other wedding promises can be broken with immunity. If you stop loving, honouring or cherishing your spouse no one bats an eye, but if any one cheats they are a disgrace, a low-life, a dirt-bag.

What if the person to whom you are married is a completely abusive shit?
But tells no lies, and doesn't cheat on you? But denies you sex, and
gaslights you, and refuses you access to your own money, and emotionally abuses your shared children? Do you judge their abused partner for finding warmth and comfort and, if it comes to it, sex elsewhere.”

You leave. You give your children time, then you find sex elsewhere (if that’s what you want immediately after a terrible relationship).

Username and post don’t really work together. Walt Jr was obviously Beneke’s son.