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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why cheating is so wrong?

334 replies

Tandora · 17/05/2022 19:59

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

OP posts:
Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:26

Onwards22 · 17/05/2022 21:12

Sex is something that you (usually) only share with one person.

All of your other family and friends will do something for you similar to what a DP would apart from the physical intimacy.

You choose to be intimate with your partner and they choose you - but cheating means they’re choosing someone else and sees them as the same way they see you.

For me personally it’s not the actual sex that bothers me, it’s the lies and going behind my back.

Hmm that’s interesting. So it’s about keeping your relationship with your partner unique and therefore more special? I suppose to that I would say there are a lot of things that make my relationship with my partner unique and special beyond the fact we have sex.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 17/05/2022 21:27

I totally agree with @TellMeLiesTellMe It's actually the deviousness and lies that to me are a killer. Someone saying they were somewhere they were not, texting whilst sat with you watching TV, inventing business meetings etc- it makes a mug of you

ldontWanna · 17/05/2022 21:32

Crikeyalmighty · 17/05/2022 21:27

I totally agree with @TellMeLiesTellMe It's actually the deviousness and lies that to me are a killer. Someone saying they were somewhere they were not, texting whilst sat with you watching TV, inventing business meetings etc- it makes a mug of you

On top of that there's less time too. Less time for the "main" relationship,for kids etc. The other partner automatically has to pick up the slack while the cheating one does their thing.

With my ex , I didn't know he was cheating until after I ended it. I ended it because I barely saw him and when I did he was always tired (big drunken shagging nights out ) so what was the fucking point?

lightand · 17/05/2022 21:34

Tandora · 17/05/2022 20:57

Thanks for all your replies.
To answer some of your questions:
Yes I’m in a long term, committed, monogamous relationship.
No I’m not cheating.
Yes I have been cheated on in the past. I found out a previous long term boyfriend had been having one night stands on nights out sometimes when he was really drunk. I was annoyed when he told me- mainly because I thought it made me look like a bit of a mug , because sometimes we’d go out together with his mates, I’d go home early and go to bed and he stay out partying and end up shagging someone else. So it was kind of a wound to my pride , and I thought it was disrespectful- made me look foolish in front of his mates. Beyond that I genuinely wasn’t that bothered though. I wasn’t devastated or torn up inside or anything - just a bit pissed off that he’d been drunk and stupid. The way people talk about how hurt they are by cheating- I just think I’m missing something.
I honestly don’t think I’d really care if my current partner wanted to sleep with someone else…
A few people have mentioned that they want their partner to only desire/ lust after them, but surely that’s unrealistic? Even people who are strictly monogamous usually acknowledge that it’s possible to find other people attractive/ have fantasies beyond your partner… no?

You dont love to much of any depth.

CollieChaos · 17/05/2022 21:35

Pretty certain DH has physically & emotionally played away when working away from home.
I was stuck at home with small kids, massive building project, finishing a qualification but old career in ruins.
I wasn't particularly bothered, there was so much going on but the when he forgot Christmas and then my birthday. Failed to acknowledge anniversary, kids birthdays or Valentine's, that felt like public shaming. Lying to friends & parents on his behalf to make him look ok.
We're still together. There's bigger problems than infidelity, he's alright but the lack of positive emotional support is the real killer for me.

AchatAVendre · 17/05/2022 21:36

Interesting concept. If you've agree to be non-monogamous with your partner, then fine. Otherwise cheating is deceit, and if you continue to have sex with them when they would leave you if you were having sex with other people, then thats not informed consent. It also risks STDs.

But as for the concept of romantic love, I guess throughout history, people got married for many other reasons - power, money, status, to unite kingdoms or powerful families, etc.. And then the wealthy in society (the so-called "upper class") often had affairs and mistresses (and often still do).

As for the rest of us, I think theres very little reason for women to be in relationships with most men if they can't offer loyalty and therefore reliability. Especially in modern times, when women can earn their own way and have babies on their own. So the average man has to offer traditional romantic love to give the woman a reason to be with him. If all he offers is sex, well thats easy enough for women to get without having to have babies and binding themselves somewhat to one man.

Thats the theory. Of course you get men who have children with several women, and vice versa. It must use up a lot of energy to do that though - I mean if you want several sexual partners, you need to spend a lot of time finding them and keeping them happy enough in order to keep them agreeing to have sex with you. That doesn't leave much time for making money or other hobbies.

Its mainly a Christian concept, isn't it? Monogamous marriage and now relationships in general. I guess at some point, people sat down and worked out that monogamous marriage was beneficial to society in general, because it provides stability, gives children a stable upbringing usually, and doesn't generally produce too many children. It gives most people something to hope for, to work towards, a goal in life.

Its also quite good for career prospects. There is a reason politicians try to project the marriage and children image. It seems stable, reliable, you think they're one of the good guys or girls, they're not spending their time sleeping around and hunting for sexual partners but are working hard in their jobs as other people are in their careers. And its good for men's health too, and often for their behavioural and social skills.

Even in non-monogamous societies, its only a few men who have more than one wife I believe, and then generally only the wealthiest men. I've never heard of a woman having more than one child.

AchatAVendre · 17/05/2022 21:37

#more than one husband it should say at the end there. Maybe a Freudian slip!

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 17/05/2022 21:40

It's not just a societal norm - a romantic relationship involves making yourself very vulnerable - opening yourself physically and emotionally and trusting in another person to respect that, prioritise you over others and treat you with love and kindness. Infidelity betrays that most vulnerable trust you place in that person - they are not respecting you, prioritising you or nurturing you if they cheat on you. So of course it totally breaks down trust.

Seraphinesupport · 17/05/2022 21:42

because its a the lie thats wrong, if youwant an open relationship then be honest and find someone who doesnt mind having one but dont find someone who doesnt and then lie and cheat

BlueIvy11 · 17/05/2022 21:44

I got what you mean OP. When my children's father cheated on me and ended with the woman pregnant. I found out when I was 24 weeks pregnant (nearly 10 years together) with our second child. I was hurt yes but it didn't destroy me or anything dramatic. It was just like, oh ok. Id say more disappointed. I just moved forward and left him. Yes I did love him, I met him when I was 15 and thought I'd met the person I was supposed to be with. I now am swaying more to casual relationships as I actually prefer the relaxed approach they have, if that makes any sense at all! Doesn't matter how much love or respect you give to someone, if their going to do it, they will. I refuse to let it bother me. The problem is with them, not me.

ImAvingOops · 17/05/2022 21:46

OP, if someone repeatedly lies to you, it means they don't respect you. And respect is probably the most important aspect of a relationship. So choosing a non monogamous relationship is fine, but there has to be honesty because without it, there's no respect.

Upthread, a poster said that so long as the cheated upon partner never finds out, it's all good. But that ignores an individual's right to set their own boundaries in their own life. And ignores the fact that people having affairs alter their behaviour - what they are doing bleeds through to the primary relationship. The deceived spouse knows that something is wrong, but doesn't know what. The cheater often denies that they have changed, but their behaviour becomes cold, they emotionally detach themselves from the primary relationship, which causes confusion and emotional distress to the spouse.
Someone who claims to love you shouldn't be responsible for causing you pain - it's a complete betrayal of your trust.

howtomoveforwards · 17/05/2022 21:46

You dismiss the pain and distress of being cheated on like it’s nothing at all.

in the moment it happens to you, it is all consuming. Everything you had been building, your past, your present, your future is a lie. It’s gone. Every holiday, meal out, phone call, every time you had sex….none of it had meaning because you don’t know what they were doing immediately before, or after. It means you lose your best friend. The person in the world who should have had your back was stabbing it with a dirty great knife laughing at your upset and distress hysterically.

Then there’s having that person in your children’s lives. The having to manage the children’s distress as well as your own. Losing your home, having to take 100% of the responsibility for 100% of everything. That person who’s judgement you valued, gone.

The betrayal, the inability to trust again, is all life changing.

there were many, many positives to my ex’s affair in the long term. But much of the pain and distress never really leaves you. It eases, becomes easier to live with, but the shame and upset is always there.

PrawnToast5 · 17/05/2022 21:46

I suppose to that I would say there are a lot of things that make my relationship with my partner unique and special beyond the fact we have sex.

Like what, for example?

StaunchMomma · 17/05/2022 21:47

I don't think people who lie, sneak around and are disloyal to a partner are nice people at all.

If you want to dick about, end the relationship you're already in.

People who want to have their cake and eat it are usually selfish knob heads.

brookstar · 17/05/2022 21:48

Beyond that I genuinely wasn’t that bothered though. I wasn’t devastated or torn up inside or anything - just a bit pissed off that he’d been drunk and stupid.

Then I would suggest you didn't love him.

If my DH cheated on me I'd be absolutely devastated and our relationship wouldn't survive . I consider what we have as special and any sort of infidelity would just ruin it and it would never recover. It also displays a distinct lack of respect and I couldn't be with someone who didn't respect me.

Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:50

LilyLott44 · 17/05/2022 20:50

I don’t believe humans were designed to be monogamous. If we were, the divorce/affair stats would not be so high. I think we’re fed this idea of ‘happy ever after’ from a young age and it rarely works out that way.

i don’t know the official numbers (should imagine that no one does) but I think I’ve read 1 in 4 people cheat in long term relationships. They can’t all be bastards. Good people sometimes fall into relationships with others, sometimes because they’re opportunists who just want to shag around, but sometimes because their needs aren’t being met in their primary relationship. They can be weak, vulnerable, lonely, sad etc. Shit happens.

I do think there’s a bit of hysteria about affairs. I appreciate that it can be devastating for those involved but it’s always gone on, and it always will. Those saying that it’s about deception - many people, especially (imo) women, lie to protect their own security, their homes, children etc. They may want to protect the feelings of their spouse?

I’m not saying affairs are a good thing by any stretch but people make mistakes, or they just meet someone else who makes them happier. It’s sad but so common. If monogamy was a natural state, we’d stop fancying anyone else the minute we met ‘the one’.

Im not having an affair btw - just my own insight. I’ve seen it happen with friends - decent people who strayed for different reasons. It can be heartbreaking, but I suppose that’s the risk we take when we expect complete devotion from another person and they just aren’t up to it.

This is a very grounded post

OP posts:
brookstar · 17/05/2022 21:51

I suppose to that I would say there are a lot of things that make my relationship with my partner unique and special beyond the fact we have sex.

Such as? The sex is one of the things that make my relationship special and unique. It's 'our' thing and isn't to be shared with people outside of the relationship.

Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:51

PrawnToast5 · 17/05/2022 21:46

I suppose to that I would say there are a lot of things that make my relationship with my partner unique and special beyond the fact we have sex.

Like what, for example?

How close we are- he’s my safe space, can tell him anything. That we live together- organise our lives around each other, parent together etc.. could go on.

OP posts:
Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:53

brookstar · 17/05/2022 21:48

Beyond that I genuinely wasn’t that bothered though. I wasn’t devastated or torn up inside or anything - just a bit pissed off that he’d been drunk and stupid.

Then I would suggest you didn't love him.

If my DH cheated on me I'd be absolutely devastated and our relationship wouldn't survive . I consider what we have as special and any sort of infidelity would just ruin it and it would never recover. It also displays a distinct lack of respect and I couldn't be with someone who didn't respect me.

Hmm maybe so. He was a bit of a waste of space tbf. But I definitely do love my current DP, and I honestly don’t think I’d be that bothered if he slept with someone else. I’d be devastated if he left me ofc..

OP posts:
Fabpinky · 17/05/2022 21:56

Whatever00 · 17/05/2022 20:22

It's sbout being upfront and honest. If you want to fuck all and sundry be upfront. If I'm not happy with that I have a choice to leave. Dont lie and act like I'm crazy, paranoid or have trust issues. I don't think relationships need to be monogamous. I think that they should be honest and respectful. I also think what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If husband wants to shag other people that's fine but he 100% should be sure I would be up to mu eyeballs in cocks.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Magicpaintbrush · 17/05/2022 21:57

When you discover your partner has cheated on you it destroys your reality - you no longer know what is true and what is a lie, and your whole existence becomes marred by the betrayal, by intrusive thoughts of them naked and intimate with someone else which torment you around the clock indefinitely, and by the fear and paranoia that you will keep making new discoveries about what has gone on behind your back. You suddenly doubt and question whether your partner actually loves you at all, you are constantly tearing your heart out trying to understand why they did it, whether you are lacking in some way - it is utterly traumatising, total emotional agony. It feels like the person you love has died and been replaced with a stranger. It ruins and tarnishes all of the happy memories you have of them - all photos ruined because you now look at them with the hindsight that they would one day cheat on you - pictures of us at the birth of our dd and all you can think is 'X years after this photo was taken he slept with that woman from work'. You lose a lot of respect for your partner as well once they've done this - even if you stay together and move on from it you never respect them again in the same way. You always sleep with one eye open - even if with someone new because you will never completely trust anyone again, which in turn means you will never have total peace of mind again - this is a terrible thing to lose. My whole adult life has been marred by cheating and caused me emotional damage that will last until I die. When it happened to me the pain was so horrific I wished I would die in my sleep.

Does that clear it up for you OP?

Threetulips · 17/05/2022 21:58

It also depends on the people in the triangle surely? If you’ve watched anything like Jeremy Kyle, some see sex as a weapon, they fight over some gormless bloke with no teeth, not because they love him, or he makes them feel special, but because they want to ‘win’ - some of these relationships are built on high emotions.

Whereas you feel safe in your relationship, you aren’t likely to lose him to another woman, or have him lie to you.

I feel the same OP, I’m not sure a quick shag would end my marriage, In fact I know it wouldn’t. Him lying and causing chaos would. They can be quite different experiences.

FatsoandtheFeast · 17/05/2022 21:59

When you realise your partner let you give oral after he stuck his knob in someone else earlier that day it stings a bit. When you're cheated on by every single person you've ever been with you start to feel like a doormat. When your partner is curled up in bed with someone telling them how much you're a stupid cow and not as exciting as them it's a bit of a downer. When you turn down interested people and find out your partner was cheating at the time it's a bit frustrating. When you suggest opening the relationship and your partner says they want to keep it monogamous, so you do, and then find out they had already cheated it's a bit sad.

Sorry if cheating and hearing about cheating now makes me feel absolute fury and burning rage. I loathe and detest cheaters. And I've not even mentioned the cunts I've been fortunate enough to not meet, that have given their partners STIs. Special place in hell for those fuck nuggets.

I choose to stay single now. Because every one of those selfish arseholes has bit by bit taken away any sense of self worth, trust and security from me. I cannot trust anyone to be that close to me now. So, not only were they hurting me at the time but their collective actions have made sure I stay alone. I've been cheated on so much that obviously the common denominator is me, I must attract infidelity. Even if my soul mate walked into my life right now I couldn't enjoy it because I have no sense of if I can trust someone now.

Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:59

howtomoveforwards · 17/05/2022 21:46

You dismiss the pain and distress of being cheated on like it’s nothing at all.

in the moment it happens to you, it is all consuming. Everything you had been building, your past, your present, your future is a lie. It’s gone. Every holiday, meal out, phone call, every time you had sex….none of it had meaning because you don’t know what they were doing immediately before, or after. It means you lose your best friend. The person in the world who should have had your back was stabbing it with a dirty great knife laughing at your upset and distress hysterically.

Then there’s having that person in your children’s lives. The having to manage the children’s distress as well as your own. Losing your home, having to take 100% of the responsibility for 100% of everything. That person who’s judgement you valued, gone.

The betrayal, the inability to trust again, is all life changing.

there were many, many positives to my ex’s affair in the long term. But much of the pain and distress never really leaves you. It eases, becomes easier to live with, but the shame and upset is always there.

I’m so sorry you went through that. It sounds beyond awful.

i just genuinely don’t understand why your partner having sex with someone else would imply all of those things. For you it obviously did, and that’s your reality, and therefore totally valid. I’m just trying to make sense of it I guess.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 17/05/2022 22:03

I think people are very upset by emotional affairs as much as physical ones. It isn't just about the sex, it's about them giving emotional energy and feelings that they promised to you alone.