Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why cheating is so wrong?

334 replies

Tandora · 17/05/2022 19:59

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

OP posts:
WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 17/05/2022 21:02

I think we have an inbuilt emotional reaction to infidelity as it is an evolutionary advantage to know your children are yours (if your a man) or that the father of your kids isn’t sharing his resources to look after other women’s children. We can clearly get over it if we need too but I think it’s part of our make up.

TakeMeToKernow · 17/05/2022 21:03

Interesting scenario, OP. There’s a lot of dramatic words banded about, but maybe your scenarios could just be summed up by “they’re not that into you”.
It sounds fairly mutual!
Don’t worry about it, we all have these different gauges and measures in us. We’re all set up a bit differently. Your setting might just be somewhere nearer the chill/polygamy sounds interesting/I don’t get that much from a relationship end of the settings 🤷🏼‍♀️

some of my friends definitely selected “hard mode” when selecting their relationship settings.

MissNothing1991 · 17/05/2022 21:04

Are you having a laugh Hmm

Tryhard40 · 17/05/2022 21:04

personally I think monogamy is an unworkable ideal. It’s a really creepy concept.

Really? I find it really easy to be monogamous - I love dh very much and the thought of having sex with another man makes my flesh crawl. Hopefully dh feels the same.

For me it's about trust. When we became serious in our relationship I made it clear to dh I expected monogamy and would give it in return. For me being in love with someone is respecting them enough to not want to sneak off for extramarital sex with someone else.

If dh decided he wanted to shag someone else I would much rather he told me first so I could end our relationship, coz I'm not ok with that. Anything else is just deceitful - I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is deceitful and can barefacedly lie to me.

Gensola · 17/05/2022 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:06

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2022 20:23

I think the worst aspects for me are; that the cheater knows I wouldn't shag them if I know so they have removed my informed consent from sex; that the cheater has decided that they get to make their own boundaries but removed my right to make mine; that they are endangering my health without my knowledge.

There are many others.

I can see how STIs are a concern, but then there are lots of ways to practice safe sex. And I think monogamy was a strict norm well before STIs became a known thing, so I’m not convinced it can all be reduced to that..

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 17/05/2022 21:06

It’s the horrendous breach of trust.

Babyvenusplant · 17/05/2022 21:06

Tandora · 17/05/2022 20:58

This is what I hear people say that I don’t understand. Why? Is there something wrong with me 😭?

Show quote history

Op there's nothing wrong with you if that doesn't bother you, some people even enjoy watching their partners having sex with other people

But I think for the majority, including myself, it really hurts. I was completely disgusted with exh when I found out he was having an affair, it made me feel sick.

TellMeLiesTellMe · 17/05/2022 21:07

For me, it's the "little lies". An actual sexual event, that's bad enough. But that's always going to be shrouded by all the little lies.
I was working
I had to see my mum/granny
Whatever
The cheating, the actual sex , didn't kill my relationship, but all the little lies did.

notanothertakeaway · 17/05/2022 21:09

I wonder if your attitude to cheating depends on how you view sex generally

To me, sex is a big deal. I've only ever slept with someone when in a committed relationship with them. So it would be a big deal if they sleep with someone else

If you think it's ok to have one night stands / friends with benefits / sleep around, then maybe you wouldn't mind so much if they sleep with someone else too

Greensleeves · 17/05/2022 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lockheart · 17/05/2022 21:10

I think a lot of posters are missing the point.

Yes, cheating often goes hand in hand with other things like poor communication, lying, risk of STDs etc.

But what makes having more than one relationship (affairs can be emotional rather than sexual) at a time "bad" is really down to social mores and tradition. The only morality is that which we ascribe to it.

There are people for whom monogamy is an alien concept, just as there are people for whom having an affair is an unforgivable sin.

Neither are wrong.

If you're in a monogamous relationship though, then breaking the terms of that relationship is poor behaviour.

Original poster
Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:11

Eightiesfan · 17/05/2022 20:31

OP, if you truly do not understand why (rather than being deliberately goady) this shows a complete lack of empathy, almost to a psychopathic level.

I don’t think I’m a psychopath 😂. I am typically a very empathic person. Anyone who knows me would concur I’m sure.

OP posts:
Onwards22 · 17/05/2022 21:12

Sex is something that you (usually) only share with one person.

All of your other family and friends will do something for you similar to what a DP would apart from the physical intimacy.

You choose to be intimate with your partner and they choose you - but cheating means they’re choosing someone else and sees them as the same way they see you.

For me personally it’s not the actual sex that bothers me, it’s the lies and going behind my back.

Original poster
Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:14

Ylfa · 17/05/2022 20:38

We’ve got all those years of evolution behind us, we’re not designed at all. I think it’s human nature to crave variety and although I do understand sexual infidelity has a special depth of betrayal to it, personally I think monogamy is an unworkable ideal. It’s a really creepy concept.

this is exactly it. I find it a creepy concept too… And I guess the part I don’t fully understand is why sexual infidelity has that special depth of betrayal to it beyond other types..

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 17/05/2022 21:15

For me it is BECAUSE I give this specific promise only to one person and he gives his promise only to me. It is the core thing which makes the relationship different to any other. I have multiple friends, I don’t promise not to have other friends. Sleeping with someone else would break that fundamental promise and would shatter the relationship.

Borgonzola · 17/05/2022 21:17

It's humiliating, degrading, selfish, and makes someone question their entire reality. Hth

girljulian · 17/05/2022 21:17

I agree with you OP. I think people go mental over cheating but put up with all kinds of much worse shit and arbitrarily draw a line in the sand at something that often entails much less thought. If my husband accidentally snogged another person when shitfaced at the pub, I’d be annoyed he got that shitfaced but I wouldn’t think it really meant anything, unlike, say, getting us into thousands of pounds of debt, knowingly.

ldontWanna · 17/05/2022 21:18

Lockheart · 17/05/2022 21:10

I think a lot of posters are missing the point.

Yes, cheating often goes hand in hand with other things like poor communication, lying, risk of STDs etc.

But what makes having more than one relationship (affairs can be emotional rather than sexual) at a time "bad" is really down to social mores and tradition. The only morality is that which we ascribe to it.

There are people for whom monogamy is an alien concept, just as there are people for whom having an affair is an unforgivable sin.

Neither are wrong.

If you're in a monogamous relationship though, then breaking the terms of that relationship is poor behaviour.

Having other relationships with your partner(s) knowledge and approval is not bad. Unusual, not traditional etc but not bad.

However if they don't know about it, then it is lying and it is cheating, which IS bad.

Original poster
Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:19

notanothertakeaway · 17/05/2022 21:09

I wonder if your attitude to cheating depends on how you view sex generally

To me, sex is a big deal. I've only ever slept with someone when in a committed relationship with them. So it would be a big deal if they sleep with someone else

If you think it's ok to have one night stands / friends with benefits / sleep around, then maybe you wouldn't mind so much if they sleep with someone else too

This makes sense to me..

OP posts:
grapewines · 17/05/2022 21:21

Ylfa · 17/05/2022 20:38

We’ve got all those years of evolution behind us, we’re not designed at all. I think it’s human nature to crave variety and although I do understand sexual infidelity has a special depth of betrayal to it, personally I think monogamy is an unworkable ideal. It’s a really creepy concept.

I agree with this to a large extent, which is why I don't get into committed relationships. If you do that, you should respect the boundaries of it and the feelings of your partner.

Original poster
Tandora · 17/05/2022 21:23

TellMeLiesTellMe · 17/05/2022 21:07

For me, it's the "little lies". An actual sexual event, that's bad enough. But that's always going to be shrouded by all the little lies.
I was working
I had to see my mum/granny
Whatever
The cheating, the actual sex , didn't kill my relationship, but all the little lies did.

Ok this definitely makes sense to me too..

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2022 21:24

Because for most people that seek monogamous relationships, the idea of their partner doing those things with someone else destroys it.

Consensual non monogamy is a growing movement that exists for people like you who simply do not feel that way.

Sittingonabench · 17/05/2022 21:24

The deceit and betrayal and removing informed consent is where the real hurt comes from I think but let’s take that out of the equation for a moment. Say you establish your relationship on monogamy and then one party feels that is not going to work and they’d like other sexual encounters. Let’s assume that they don’t make that decision unilaterally (thus proving the relationship is not a partnership of equals) but talk to their partner about wanting an open relationship. The partner then has to reframe their entire relationship, how they see their present family set up and how they view their future if they remain in the relationship. Their view of the other person is challenged and of themselves. That is a huge destabilising thing that would take a lot to process. Add in the deceit, betrayal and removal of equality and respect and it can be too much for people. Respect and trust is a huge thing so the above would be the best way to do it but many people would not accept it and end the relationship- but maybe on better terms than if someone cheated.

Fireflygal · 17/05/2022 21:24

But if the other person never ever finds out, I personally don’t see the problem

When you lie to your partner they pick up instinctual signs and are aware of the disconnection, it's never possible to hide it...unless you are a pathological liar.

Op, yes, I think you are unusual. Perhaps lacking in empathy and maybe not able to form deep connections.