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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Love from in laws towards my kids is too much

185 replies

feelingwelljell · 16/05/2022 07:23

I know it's unreasonable.

But the love my in laws have for my kids is too much and it annoys me. I must start by saying, I don't get on with them very well. Lots of things have happened.

I think probably if we had a better relationship, it may not annoy me as much, but I don't know.

It's like my kids are the centre of their universe. Everything is about them and they constantly want to see them at every opportunity. If they haven't seen them for a week, I get messages saying they miss them. I also get told I need to send pictures and videos more often. When my in laws can't come, they pretty much send their other kids and they take constant videos of my kids to then show the in laws.

I send pics to them too and videos as they're always asking, but most of the time when I send something, they'll be some over the top concerned comment from my mother in law, about something really minor in the picture. For example, oh his eye looks swollen or - her hair looks pulled a bit tight, is she OK ? Or - if they even have a minor illness, she has to get really involved and push me to get more and more tests done, even though I'm comfortable in whatever the doctors have told me. She just has to be overly involved in everything and she stresses me out and ruins my mood when I send a nice pic, as she can't say anything nice and always knit picks.

Anyway I know how it sounds. How can I be irritated by someone loving my kids too much ? I sound like an absolute idiot. But they're my kids. I'm afraid my in laws want to gain lots of ground with my kids and will try to bring them up their way and be a huge influence on them. I believe kids should be raised by their parents and I don't want them to be raised to be carbon copies of their other kids. I want to have a big role to play ( the main role ) in how my kids will be raised. But I feel these constant demands for their time and having to be so involved in their lives is going to mean that they'll influence them massively. I don't think it's wrong for them to have a role in their lives, but I don't want to be on the sidelines of their lives, because my in laws ads second parents to them.

They can see them once every couple of weeks and I shouldn't need to be made to feel bad for them ' missing them so much ' after just a week. It's OTT. Anyway, I know I'll get my arse handed to me. But perhaps someone has something helpful to say ?

I feel like a tyrant if I ever say that we can't see them. I just can't say no. I've tried a few times and get theatrics. My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set. They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house. Daughter gets excited because they set no boundaries for her there at all and she does what she wants there ( another problem ). And I just have to go along with it.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.

I'm feeling extra territorial as I've just had a baby, so maybe that's what's prompted these feelings to become stronger.

I just feel like I should be the only one to love my kids this much and to show this amount of concern for them ? My parents are totally different. Whilst they love all their grandchildren a lot, I don't feel it's as excessive and overbearing.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/05/2022 07:25

It's not about how much they love them it's about their awful controlling behaviour. What does your husband think about it?

00100001 · 16/05/2022 07:25

Where is their Dad in all this?

KangarooKenny · 16/05/2022 07:28

You need to not see them. Let their dad take them round to see them.
When the relatives ask to come round, or just turn up, say you’re going out and do not let them in.

PersonaNonGarter · 16/05/2022 07:29

YABU and possibly misdirecting general stress and anxiety at your in-laws as easy targets. You sound tired and insecure and that’s fair cos you’ve just had a baby.

I think YANBU about the videos and photos - that is not for you to manage, their son can do that. Tell them to go through DH for those. That’s super annoying and would piss me off too.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/05/2022 07:30

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/05/2022 07:25

It's not about how much they love them it's about their awful controlling behaviour. What does your husband think about it?

I was thinking the same thing. You can't have too much love but they need some boundaries.

Ponoka7 · 16/05/2022 07:30

I think that some of it is new birth hormones. I'd say that I was co-parented by my maternal grandparents and I have lovely memories of our times together. It's unfair to judge them against your own parents, just as it would be unfair for you to be judged based on someone else. You should have shut down the nitpicking as soon as it happened. What does the children's father think? How old is the child in question?

toomuchlaundry · 16/05/2022 07:30

I notice you don’t mention your DH? Where is he in all this?

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 16/05/2022 07:31

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/05/2022 07:25

It's not about how much they love them it's about their awful controlling behaviour. What does your husband think about it?

So much this. I would tell your children’s father that he has to field all contact now as you’ve hit your limit.

As for when you see them in person, never explain yourself to them. “They’ve been to the doctor, everything is in hand” and refuse to get any more drawn into it. You have my sympathies OP- that sounds suffocating.

cptartapp · 16/05/2022 07:31

You don't 'have' to do anything. You hold all the cards.
Ignore the drama. Don't answer the phone. Cut down on the photos. Their behaviour would make me even more determined to 'win'.

worriedparent12 · 16/05/2022 07:33

Maybe I'm paranoid, but this would raise some safeguarding concerns for me as well. In my opinion, people not respecting your boundaries about your kids are a bit of a red flag.

ChubbyMorticia · 16/05/2022 07:35

Your MIL is projecting when she calls you a bully. Her tantrums are her way of bullying you , and it’s worked.

Say no. When she throws a fit, hang up or tell her it’s time to leave. Her behaviour should not be enabled anymore than you’d allow your children to get their way by throwing tantrums.

MolliciousIntent · 16/05/2022 07:36

Disengage entirely and let your husband deal with his family

sst1234 · 16/05/2022 07:36

This is MN so in laws are evil.

But in the real world, your thoughts about this would be considered irrational. Which you somewhat acknowledge yourself. Kids are not a possession that only set of people should be able to live then most, while the measure of everyone else’s love should stay below that level. It’s not a competition. You need to figure this one and let it go. Your kids are lucky to have grandparents so loving. That’s their privilege and you trying to meddle us taking it away from them.

But like I say this is MN, so cue the bizarre reponses that will inevitably follow.

sst1234 · 16/05/2022 07:37

worriedparent12 · 16/05/2022 07:33

Maybe I'm paranoid, but this would raise some safeguarding concerns for me as well. In my opinion, people not respecting your boundaries about your kids are a bit of a red flag.

Safeguarding? Really? But then I saw your username and you may be projecting.

Merryclaire · 16/05/2022 07:37

How dare they just turn up unannounced and tell you they are taking them to their house! What a nightmare. It puts the rest of your comments into perspective - they don’t love them too much, they are just massively controlling, interfering and have no boundaries. You need to properly confront this and be strong.
It’s not about them not seeing them - but it needs to be arranged with your consent. If they can’t accept that, then I would minimise contact until they can act in a more appropriate manner.
Once a fortnight sounds very reasonable to me if they’re not doing childcare. I saw my grandparents much less than that.
What’s DH doing in all this? He needs to have a word!

Testina · 16/05/2022 07:37

Are you a widow?
I bet not.
Where the hell is your husband in all this?
Even if there was no issue at all, I’d be rolling my eyes that all the videos etc are from you.

I expect that he will be no help to you at all. I couldn’t be kind and say he’s been conditioned by them, but I suspect he’s just a useless “hand off” unsupportive type.

In which case, if you’re on your own, back to those boundaries.

Set them, enforce them - and give yourself permission not to give a shit. So she calls you names? Less important to you, than enforcing your rules.

Then:


  • limit the photos / videos you send

  • ALWAYS push back if she says something critical, “MIL, stop find things to criticise.”

  • Any criticism, don’t send the next planned video (so say you send one a day, don’t send next day)

  • any relatives that are “sent round” but invited - tell them it’s not convenient, don’t let the stay

  • refuse any babysitting (visits to their house) when you’re actually available yourself


There is no way to do this without standing up for yourself.

You are absolutely not unreasonable here!

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 16/05/2022 07:37

My ils were the same. They never had my mobile number and it made for an easier life. Leave it to their ds to send all that stuff should he bother.....

leavethewallalone · 16/05/2022 07:39

I thought you were BU until I got to

*They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house. Daughter gets excited because they set no boundaries for her there at all and she does what she wants there ( another problem ). And I just have to go along with it.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully.*

This is not OK. What does DH say?

StEval · 16/05/2022 07:40

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/05/2022 07:25

It's not about how much they love them it's about their awful controlling behaviour. What does your husband think about it?

I agree with this.
This isnt love, its manipulative, controlling behaviour and designed to undermine you.
The shouting, screaming is not acceptable and she has you treading on eggshells.

Decide on your boundaries.
Photos on days out for example.
Dont reply or explain to nitpicky, silly questions.
DH might be more tricky as hes been brought up within the toxic family environment.
Its also likely as you pull away it will ramp up.

Gazelda · 16/05/2022 07:41

Take a big step back from them and let their Dad deal with it. He can take the DC for visits. He can invite them over for coffee on Sunday morning so they can see the new baby. He can send pics and videos.

Make sure you agree beforehand that one visit a week is plenty. And one visit by them to your house too. And that he'll phone once a week and send pics once a week. That's 3/4 days out of 7 they'll have some sort of contact.

The children will still get to spend lots of time with their grandparents, which can be such a positive element to childhood. And the love the grandparents have is so precious.
the first sign of bullying or histrionics the arrangement will be reviewed.

DDivaStar · 16/05/2022 07:43

They do seem a bit out and the video stuff is weird. But seeing their grandchildren once a week doesn't seem excessive. You may find the more you try to keep them at arms length the more they push back.

My mum looked after my daughter at her house from an early age and has always enjoyed time with her alone as its a different dynamic than when we are there too.

Surely a couple of hours at their house would give you some 1to1 time with baby it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Tamzo85 · 16/05/2022 07:45

Your in laws sound a little out of line but honestly you sound a little irrational about it all too. Pictures and wanting to see grandkids are quite normal. Occasionally DIL’s can get quite stroppy and take totally normal interaction as some big “threat” to them.

ComDummings · 16/05/2022 07:45

They sound very controlling and suffocating; I would hate that! I think backing off a bit or ignoring their silly messages is the way forward. Obviously if it’s something important reply but they can only be super involved if you let them.

Beamur · 16/05/2022 07:46

Another one here saying where is your DP/DH in all this?
Why is he letting his Mum bully you?
Frankly, let her scream and shout. It's one thing (and a very good thing) to have grandparents who are loving and involved, but this is too much.

WildCoasts · 16/05/2022 07:48

The problem is that they are overbearing, too involved and too critical. Why does it fall on you to send pics? Why not their own son? I'd make him responsible for all that. If MIL makes a critical comment, call it out. If she says your daughter's hair is too tight, ask if she thinks you can't parent your children. I'll say to you what I wish someone had said to me when I was a young Mum - you don't have to allow someone to treat you badly and you're not responsible for the relationship between your DH and his parents, or your DC and his parents. Start setting some boundaries.