Love from in laws towards my kids is too much

[feelingwelljell]

I know it's unreasonable.

But the love my in laws have for my kids is too much and it annoys me. I must start by saying, I don't get on with them very well. Lots of things have happened.

I think probably if we had a better relationship, it may not annoy me as much, but I don't know.

It's like my kids are the centre of their universe. Everything is about them and they constantly want to see them at every opportunity. If they haven't seen them for a week, I get messages saying they miss them. I also get told I need to send pictures and videos more often. When my in laws can't come, they pretty much send their other kids and they take constant videos of my kids to then show the in laws.

I send pics to them too and videos as they're always asking, but most of the time when I send something, they'll be some over the top concerned comment from my mother in law, about something really minor in the picture. For example, oh his eye looks swollen or - her hair looks pulled a bit tight, is she OK ? Or - if they even have a minor illness, she has to get really involved and push me to get more and more tests done, even though I'm comfortable in whatever the doctors have told me. She just has to be overly involved in everything and she stresses me out and ruins my mood when I send a nice pic, as she can't say anything nice and always knit picks.

Anyway I know how it sounds. How can I be irritated by someone loving my kids too much ? I sound like an absolute idiot. But they're my kids. I'm afraid my in laws want to gain lots of ground with my kids and will try to bring them up their way and be a huge influence on them. I believe kids should be raised by their parents and I don't want them to be raised to be carbon copies of their other kids. I want to have a big role to play ( the main role ) in how my kids will be raised. But I feel these constant demands for their time and having to be so involved in their lives is going to mean that they'll influence them massively. I don't think it's wrong for them to have a role in their lives, but I don't want to be on the sidelines of their lives, because my in laws ads second parents to them.

They can see them once every couple of weeks and I shouldn't need to be made to feel bad for them ' missing them so much ' after just a week. It's OTT. Anyway, I know I'll get my arse handed to me. But perhaps someone has something helpful to say ?

I feel like a tyrant if I ever say that we can't see them. I just can't say no. I've tried a few times and get theatrics. My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set. They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house. Daughter gets excited because they set no boundaries for her there at all and she does what she wants there ( another problem ). And I just have to go along with it.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.

I'm feeling extra territorial as I've just had a baby, so maybe that's what's prompted these feelings to become stronger.

I just feel like I should be the only one to love my kids this much and to show this amount of concern for them ? My parents are totally different. Whilst they love all their grandchildren a lot, I don't feel it's as excessive and overbearing.

How old are DCs, so are they at school so limited when they visit GPs.
Move away??

You need to block her. You don't ever need to have contact with her again.

Tell your husband that you will be blocking her and that he is now 100% responsible for everything right do with her.

Don't be a door mat. If you do then you've only got yourself to blame.

And start standing up to her. If she tantrums shame her.

"Good grief MIL what is wring with you? You're not a child don't be so ridiculous I think you should leave I don't Want such a ridiculous show in my home"

Tell your husband you've washed your hands of her. That he better prepare for the hell she's about to throw onto him because you're done.

From what you’ve said it sounds like your MIL has at least a touch of borderline personality disorder. It’s the shouting, manipulation, treading on eggshells, turning everything back on you and you feeling like you’re going crazy.

What about your FIL? Is he the same? Apologies if I've missed it in the body of the thread, but has your DH ever spoken to them about this?
You are the children's mother - unless you're REALLY awful (and you don't seem it at all) your kids will not leave you, but I understand your concerns.
Those ILs need boundaries setting-quickly-and if they can't keep them, then perhaps LC is the way to go.
If they turn up unannounced, don't let them in. If they want to take your daughter to theirs, it's a hard NO (unless it suits YOU).
I've a feeling this might get worse before it gets better, but I think for your sanity, you (and your DH) have to do it.
May I ask, might this be a cultural thing, or are your ILs just horrid?

You and DH both need to agree to draw your lines of defence and stick to them. Ignore her attention seeking histrionics. Personally I think I’d be happy to reconsider relocating far enough away to become less accessible. This is not what love looks like it’s all about control. I’m speaking as a besotted grandmother who does some childcare so mum and dad can go to work. BUT… I’m not mum I don’t make the rules and recognise that times have changed since I was in charge.
Be strong, polite and confident. Your kids, your rules.

yanbu at all.

normally I’m on the side of the loving MIL, annoying as she may be, but this behaviour is bullying and unpleasant.

Stand your ground and reduce contact. Your instincts are quite correct.

When they demand pics or videos I would ignore for a day, or at least a few hours, then reply "DH might send one later". Let him know, and he can if he wants.

I think oftentimes parents who did a crap job with their own kids seek to make up for it with grandchildren.

I'll tell you what happens when these things aren't addressed, especially with a passive husband. Tensions brew until there is a huge an ugly explosion, even from the husband who never made a peep before it. It's better to try to work out some boundaries now, if MIL is someone who is is even possible to do that with. Then maybe relationships can be salvaged.

They do sound a bit OTT op. Has your husband set any boundaries? I feel the same as you in that I play the main roll and I only tell in-laws what I want to tell them. I think you have tried and your husband really needs to set up boundaries. Its nice to have someone care but to be so invasive and controlling would drive me crazy. I feel for you, these are your children and you have a right to want some peace and breathing space to raise them as you like.

So does that include your husband?

Where is he in all of this?

(And anyone who shouts, screams, cries and carried on to get their own way can get lost)

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult !

How is that difficult? You don't like her and think she's a bad person, so who cares if she's upset with you?

"It's a shame you feel that way, MIL. Anyway, as I said, [daughter] can't come home with you today."

I'm afraid anyone shouting and screaming at me in my own home would be told to get the fuck out and never darken my door again.
Do you feel beholden to the in some way? What have they go over you? Realistically, what would happen if you cut ties? What positives would you, your husband, your children miss out on?
They sound utterly toxic, not loving at all.

They sound batshit and controlling.

Can you move away from them so it's much harder for them to insert themselves into your lives in this overbearing way? I couldn't cope with your MIL at all, but since she's so foul to you already you don't have a lot to lose by standing up to her and saying No more often. IME, that's the way to deal with bullies - stand up to them and show them you won't be pushed around. She'll shout and screech initially, but you need to show her that you are the equal of her and that you're not going to just do her bidding. Fuck her.

No, you’re missing the point. They are his family and he needs to protect you from the upset they are causing you, and use his position as their son to say things to them that you cannot. He can’t just pathetically say “oh they are being awful to both of us” and leave you to deal with the requests for pictures, visits etc. He needs to step up.

Why do you live so close to them anyway if he lives a different life to his siblings- can you move?

Their behaviour is not normal. It sounds very much about control rather than love.

You haven't mentioned your DH at all?? He should be the main one dealing with their bad behaviour and setting boundaries. You do not need to engage with people who treat you badly. Don't worry about upsetting them, because they sure aren't worried about upsetting you!

Its time to stop holding your tongue. If your DH isnt going to set boundaries then your going to have to do it. Your MIL is a bully and you need to protect yourself and your DC from her. They shouldnt be brought up watching their parents being bullied by there grandparents. You will have a nightmare when your DC are older as they wont respect your boundarie as they have seen you being bullied into silence. You need to reset their expectations by resetting your own.

My MIL declared some years ago that she loves her grandchildren more than she ever loved her son, my DH.
In front of said DH.
She is a truly stupid woman.
I get where you're coming from,OP. On paper it looks YABU but it can be so overbearing and disturbing.
I feel for you.

This.

I got fed up before that - but only just - unleached my toungue stepped massively back - photos phone calls, presents etc go through DH.

At same time - they were told no - I'd agree stance with DH before hand and if he didn't say no I did. Made me the wicked witch for a while - among their friends but so what and I refused to be pushed out or have DH or me undermined.

Much to my surpised turned out we could put boundaries in - it was very tiring to be around had to be constatly on guard but they are good for the children to have a relationship with. So I think we got to an okay place - though I do feel slightly bitter at the work that put on me and it probbaly helped we've moved further away each time.

So I'd have a frank talk with your DH - agree were you boundaries are and stick to them with a smile but firmly - lots of ways to say no without saying no- and ignore any tantrums in reponse.

I'm afraid you only have 2 choices, OP, either speak up and risk her wrath (but let her know where she stands) or put up with it.

She's clearly not going to change. The longer her behaviour is tolerated the more she will ride rough-shod over you.

I think the Mumsnet mantra of 'Sorry, that doesn't work for us' would help you out, here. It's a firm but polite NO!

Things like turning up and demanding to take your DD to their house for a sleepover is just outrageous. I can see how saying no would cause an argument and potentially some tears from DD BUT she'd soon get over it and it would send a clear message of who's boss.

You're already the villain in her eyes, OP - might as well live up to it!!

You're already the villain in her eyes, OP - might as well live up to it!!

This. The final straw was when MIL visited and didn't speak to me or even look at me. And that's about what I said to DH. "Since I am completely invisible, I have decided I will be invisible. From now on, you are the one who will send them pictures, buy and send gifts, invite them over, call them. If you don't, it won't happen." Guess who didn't do any of that? DH agrees, the last 18 years we haven't seen then have been so much more peaceful.

I could have written your exact post! I feel the exact same way about mine. The only difference is I do not feel like a tyrant - they are objectively awful. There are 3 relatives (in laws) and they have effectively divided up the 3 kids between them. And my s in law actively competes with me over “her special kid” with me - it is extremely disconcerting. Two of the 3 have very warped ideas about what love is. I have also had a rocky relationship with them - they are an extremely dysfunctional family, my husband had to put a lot of distance between them and him as soon as he could. That being said he has no idea how to deal with them. When they come for a weekend he basically becomes mute for the entire time, and just allows everything to wash over him as he cannot cope. He shuts down. I find myself having a fight or flight response in the run up to their arrival, my heart rate quickens and I my body temperature changes.

there’s so much more I could say on this and I have literally no words of advice but I just wanted to share that you are not alone with these feelings.

my mum (very very sensible, grounded person) says that they all live quite lonely lives and I should not get upset by their behaviour as it’s for a short space of time however I cannot help it. Their controlling and possessive behaviour makes me very territorial.

I could have written your post, my in laws are the same, I think in my case its made far worse because we really don't get on. I used to get on with them but when we got engaged they changed, it's like they decided I wasn't actually good enough (although we'd been together 10 years!). Once we got married and had children the relationship completely broke down and their bizarre overbearing behaviour started. It's like they saw my kids as theirs and they do this weird thing where they stress our children are part of their family, they don't say you are not but it's what they infer. My family on the other hand consider my husband part of their family, they see him as an extra son and treat him accordingly. My parents are involved with our children but they follow our lead, whatever we say they go with. My in laws on the other hand will undermine us and do things we ask them not to just because they know better. Eg during covid we went to visit them in the garden when we were allowed to socially distanced and I said before we arrived we'll be keeping our distance so please don't hug the children, we'd said to our children the same. As soon as we arrived my fil scooped up our children and walked off with them down the bottom of their garden!! I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

We've now ended up going very low contact as the lack of respect towards me is awful. It sounds ridiculous when you tell other people that your in laws are completely obsessed and over bearing with your children but yet won't even acknowledge you. I get that many people would love to have grandparents that care so much but when it's coming from a very controlling place it's too much. The only way we could deal with them was to take a step back, thankfully my husband can see what they are doing and is on my side. It has meant that his extended family have cut us off completely, which is sad for my husband, but we are much happier not having his controlling parents around wanting us to live our life under their ruling.

You're already the villain in her eyes, OP - might as well live up to it!!

It helped when I got this mindset.

It is odd though many of MIL friends now have young GC and she relays their conversations and there seems to be so much taking offense at small talk conversation and upset because it doensn't seem to occur to them that they need to check things with the GC parents - though sometimes it DS not relaying/consulting the mothers is teh issue. There's also a lo of thinking they know better or even that they have a closer bond with GC than mother.

It's all very odd - and MIL likes to pretend she never did any of that - though she was often made worse by her friendship group and FIL was all about his rights - but they were slightly nuts in early years and are "normal" now.

At least they acknowledge- mine don’t or ever say anything like doesnt x look nice or oo he’s had his hair cut doesn’t it look nice...