Love from in laws towards my kids is too much

[feelingwelljell]

I know it's unreasonable.

But the love my in laws have for my kids is too much and it annoys me. I must start by saying, I don't get on with them very well. Lots of things have happened.

I think probably if we had a better relationship, it may not annoy me as much, but I don't know.

It's like my kids are the centre of their universe. Everything is about them and they constantly want to see them at every opportunity. If they haven't seen them for a week, I get messages saying they miss them. I also get told I need to send pictures and videos more often. When my in laws can't come, they pretty much send their other kids and they take constant videos of my kids to then show the in laws.

I send pics to them too and videos as they're always asking, but most of the time when I send something, they'll be some over the top concerned comment from my mother in law, about something really minor in the picture. For example, oh his eye looks swollen or - her hair looks pulled a bit tight, is she OK ? Or - if they even have a minor illness, she has to get really involved and push me to get more and more tests done, even though I'm comfortable in whatever the doctors have told me. She just has to be overly involved in everything and she stresses me out and ruins my mood when I send a nice pic, as she can't say anything nice and always knit picks.

Anyway I know how it sounds. How can I be irritated by someone loving my kids too much ? I sound like an absolute idiot. But they're my kids. I'm afraid my in laws want to gain lots of ground with my kids and will try to bring them up their way and be a huge influence on them. I believe kids should be raised by their parents and I don't want them to be raised to be carbon copies of their other kids. I want to have a big role to play ( the main role ) in how my kids will be raised. But I feel these constant demands for their time and having to be so involved in their lives is going to mean that they'll influence them massively. I don't think it's wrong for them to have a role in their lives, but I don't want to be on the sidelines of their lives, because my in laws ads second parents to them.

They can see them once every couple of weeks and I shouldn't need to be made to feel bad for them ' missing them so much ' after just a week. It's OTT. Anyway, I know I'll get my arse handed to me. But perhaps someone has something helpful to say ?

I feel like a tyrant if I ever say that we can't see them. I just can't say no. I've tried a few times and get theatrics. My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set. They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house. Daughter gets excited because they set no boundaries for her there at all and she does what she wants there ( another problem ). And I just have to go along with it.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.

I'm feeling extra territorial as I've just had a baby, so maybe that's what's prompted these feelings to become stronger.

I just feel like I should be the only one to love my kids this much and to show this amount of concern for them ? My parents are totally different. Whilst they love all their grandchildren a lot, I don't feel it's as excessive and overbearing.

YANBU OP and the fact that you thought you’d get your arse on a plate shows how skewed your ‘normality’ has become. It is 100% NOT reasonable for your ILs to act in this way and how dare they undermine you by taking your DD without a pre-arrangement. They sound batshit and exhausting. They are YOUR DC and you need to get angry!!

Sorry not on purpose. Just doing a million things.

He finds them annoying of course and overbearing and he does stand up to them. But they use the same bullying tactics on him too. It's tough !

@sst1234

Totally agree. Grandmothers fussing is a pretty standard thing. To be laughed off or if it really goes to far then gently told not to do that. To reasonable people that is, others need to call it abuse and quietly stew until they blow up and cause a estrangement between grandparent, grandchild and parent and child. Brilliant stuff.

If that's the case, perhaps he needs to be the one facilitating it all...

However my in laws have somehow managed to create children who don't have minds of their own. I don't want them to do that to my children. I'm afraid they will do that if they spend too much time with them.

They won’t spend more time with them that you. Even now, you said it can be a week between visits.

They didn’t raise carbon copies, you claim your husband isn’t. Maybe their raised their kids and their kids, who are like them, are so because that’s how they genuinely want to live their lives.

You will raise your kids and they will, probably, have a lot of similarities to you.

Don't feel bad! You're right to feel uncomfortable with this controlling, overbearing behaviour. Why are you the one sending them pics and videos? Your h should be doing this. And what does he think about his parents' behaviour?? You need to sit down together with them and set out ground rules. Tell them these are your dc; they have had their chance to bring up their Dc. You are in charge. If they can't respect that and your boundaries, they don't see the dc. And you will need to be firm. They sound awful.

@feelingwelljell perhaps the kids are like there parents because they were raised well and like the way their parents live? Living in a similar way to your parents hardly means you’ve been brainwashed. If you really want to be nothing like your parents that’s hardly a good relationship is it?

It amazes me how many people think grandparents are ‘entitled’ to see their grandchildren for a certain frequency, eg once or twice a week. If they want to spend so much time with them, then they should be as respectful and supportive to the parents as possible. If they made things pleasant and easy for you, I’m sure you would feel more accommodating. But the overbearing, controlling behaviour just has the opposite effect.

Wow. YANBU.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.

This is horrible, unfortunately she's learned that her behaviour gets you to comply and do what she wants.

I completely understand feeling suffocated and like they're just too much, this is a way OTT level of input and stress to come from grandparents! It's lovely to have a nice close relationship with them but you shouldn't have to organise your life around making sure you don't go longer than seven days without seeing them, wtf? I would feel the same, suffocated and like they're trying to take over my children, or like they're trying to insert themselves into our family and take on a role that simply isn't theirs to take. They're grandparents, they're not your children's parents. It's just too much and I think it'd be unwise to swallow your feelings and allow this to continue.

The more someone pushes like that the less I'd be willing to play ball, and the moment someone started to shout at me and call me a bad person would be the point at which I remove myself and the kids from them until an apology was forthcoming. I can't believe you're still allowing them to continue this way after the way they treat you.

When your MIL shouts, screams, cries, calls you a bad person and a bully, how do you respond ? And how does your DH react ?

Why does your MIL think that you are a bad influence?
Why does she think that her son has been influenced by you?

You have a dh problem.

To begin with I’d pass all responsibility to dh for the videos and photos.
Let him make the arrangements but make sure you are both on the same page as to the frequency. Stand up to him if need be. Make it so its easier for him that he appeases you rather than his mother.

If she kicks up a fuss be calm and consistent. “They are my children. You parented yours, it’s my job to parent mine how I see fit. If you are going to react like that then you/we must leave.” And follow through.

And as pp have said don’t explain or justify. Repeat the above. Or “Don’t worry, they are fine” Don’t worry, it’s being dealt with” on repeat. Don’t feel the need to explain further. “You don’t need to know the details, it’s all in hand. They are fine” etc.

Sounds to me that it’s less to do with too much love and more to do with their constant criticism (dressed up as concern) and failure to respect your boundaries.

I don't think they 'love them too much' but they are being overbearing.

I agree with others this is not your battle to fight - DH needs to be speaking to them, he needs to be the one sending pictures etc, to an extent he can deal with. It's a bit of 'wife work' you don't need - you need to ask him to please handle his parents and the kids as they're making a lot of work from you and any response would be better coming from him.

Maybe at least once a month declare a weekend a weekend just for your household so you can have some time off wider family and/or see other people, so you can say to ILs 'Sorry, we're having a family weekend for just us/to see our friends'

As others have said, this is a serious conversation you need to have with DH. He needs to manage that relationship, protect your mental health and the two of you need to agree the boundaries.

Also, you could set up a group photo album for the kids photos/videos although I think he should be sending them from his phone & managing the replies.

@feelingwelljell
My first thought was “ You are unreasonable “ from title alone
BUT my goodness!
The mother in law sounds interfering and completely overbearing.

All the “health “ related stuff is very strange and controlling.

Not easy.

Your MIL sounds ghastly.

You have basically just described my MIL. She is overbearing and ridiculously judgemental. She would find fault in how I did my girls hair, their clothes, what I was feeding them. Each photo I sent her had to be perfect or I would get anxiety about the comments that followed.

Last summer we had a huge argument. She was in our garden with some other members of my DH family and whilst I was sitting right next to her she started saying how I had never bothered to learn how to do 'mixed race' hair and my daughters never looked 'polished'.

In my defence I have spend hundreds of hours watching YouTube videos and thousands of pounds on every product to try and my girls always look neat and tidy. On this particular day we were giving their hair a break from styles so they could enjoy the paddling pool and not have hair bands and clips in.

That was it for me....I calmly told her that if she couldn't keep her opinions to herself then not to bother coming anymore. 11 years worth of resentment spilled out and it felt incredible. I have always made my DH just tow the line with her as she is my kids only grandparent (my parents are now both passed) and I didn't want them to lose that.

My DH might as well of gone and got pop-corn and a beer, he loved every minute of it and then gave me a look to say 'can I have a go now'. She up and left and the rest of the family congratulated me on 'confronting the witch'. All this time I thought she was revered and loved but she was just tolerated.

DH sends pictures every now and again and I have nothing to do with her. My kids are no worse off for not being around that toxic relationship.

You need to stop allowing them to just take your children out of the house. You’re allowing them way too much input and control. You have to stand up to them.

Edit: That’s not “Love” on her behalf, that’s being a domineering bossyboots who needs to butt out of your life.

Sounds to me like it's time to move about 300 miles from where you live now.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully.

Your poor kids need keeping away from that, not keep being offered up to appease her.

You & your husband as adults can't deal with her!

Move & don't tell the ILs where you are!
(Not entirely joking)

I don't think she loves your child too much. I think she doesnt like you. Her 'is her hair too tight' is criticising your parenting. Saying your husband used to be 'good' til he met you is criticising you. Shouting and screaming and calling you a bully is manipulative, and like a toddlers tantrum. And like a toddler if you give in to it, it will reinforce that the behaviour works and it will continue.

The only way to deal with it is keep calm and state your boundaries. Don't engage, you can never win an argument with someone that hysterical. Just state you will speak and she can visit when she is calm and setting a good example on how to behave for your daughter. Don't let her send other people round to plead her case, be just about to rush out or in the middle of something. Good luck!

I echo the move 300 mile away poster. Bloody hell!

I cannot believe the people who think it's ok for this woman to demand time with you, scream , shout, demand to take your daughter out, let her do what she wants and generally bully you. In what universe is this Ok????

Lots of good advice here. I really hope you take some of it.

Personally I would:
Have a big chat with DH so that you are a united front.
Pass the photo and video sending and replying to DH.
Reduce said photo and video sending.
Inform them that they can only come round when invited.
do not let them in if not invited.
Do not let other relatives in if not invited.
If MIL become bullying, rude etc, have a previously arranged tactic between you and dh as to what happens next.

If you don't deal with this situation your MH will indeed suffer. She is spoiling this preciousi time with your family. Be strong and sort it out.

Disengage. Stop sending photos and videos – not your job anyway, let your DH deal with communicating with his parents. Stop visiting so often. Lock your doors and don’t let PILs in when they drop by unannounced to take your daughter without agreement. They are boundary-tramplers so you have to set stronger, bigger boundaries, and stick to them.

Yeah...its bullying and emotional blackmail of the first order.