Love from in laws towards my kids is too much

[feelingwelljell]

I know it's unreasonable.

But the love my in laws have for my kids is too much and it annoys me. I must start by saying, I don't get on with them very well. Lots of things have happened.

I think probably if we had a better relationship, it may not annoy me as much, but I don't know.

It's like my kids are the centre of their universe. Everything is about them and they constantly want to see them at every opportunity. If they haven't seen them for a week, I get messages saying they miss them. I also get told I need to send pictures and videos more often. When my in laws can't come, they pretty much send their other kids and they take constant videos of my kids to then show the in laws.

I send pics to them too and videos as they're always asking, but most of the time when I send something, they'll be some over the top concerned comment from my mother in law, about something really minor in the picture. For example, oh his eye looks swollen or - her hair looks pulled a bit tight, is she OK ? Or - if they even have a minor illness, she has to get really involved and push me to get more and more tests done, even though I'm comfortable in whatever the doctors have told me. She just has to be overly involved in everything and she stresses me out and ruins my mood when I send a nice pic, as she can't say anything nice and always knit picks.

Anyway I know how it sounds. How can I be irritated by someone loving my kids too much ? I sound like an absolute idiot. But they're my kids. I'm afraid my in laws want to gain lots of ground with my kids and will try to bring them up their way and be a huge influence on them. I believe kids should be raised by their parents and I don't want them to be raised to be carbon copies of their other kids. I want to have a big role to play ( the main role ) in how my kids will be raised. But I feel these constant demands for their time and having to be so involved in their lives is going to mean that they'll influence them massively. I don't think it's wrong for them to have a role in their lives, but I don't want to be on the sidelines of their lives, because my in laws ads second parents to them.

They can see them once every couple of weeks and I shouldn't need to be made to feel bad for them ' missing them so much ' after just a week. It's OTT. Anyway, I know I'll get my arse handed to me. But perhaps someone has something helpful to say ?

I feel like a tyrant if I ever say that we can't see them. I just can't say no. I've tried a few times and get theatrics. My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set. They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house. Daughter gets excited because they set no boundaries for her there at all and she does what she wants there ( another problem ). And I just have to go along with it.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.

I'm feeling extra territorial as I've just had a baby, so maybe that's what's prompted these feelings to become stronger.

I just feel like I should be the only one to love my kids this much and to show this amount of concern for them ? My parents are totally different. Whilst they love all their grandchildren a lot, I don't feel it's as excessive and overbearing.

You hold all the cards - what an awful sick comment to make.

Actually… what she ⬆️⬆️⬆️ said is perfect. (I would edit to “Don’t scream like a neurotic harpy on my doorstep. It’s not going to work.”

All hell would break loose! Everyone would rush to defend MIL and how she's just giving advice and how I take everything the wrong way etc.

Maybe it will, but as a PP said, "So what?" What's the alternative? You know you're not the unreasonable one here. It might actually make you feel empowered.

It's clearly a very toxic family and the only healthy thing to do is put firm boundaries in place, and enforce them.

HNRTT and I don't want to minimise 'all hell breaking loose' but then what would happen? It sounds like your ILs don't respect you and you are unhappy so what would be the bad things that happen when you establish boundaries they don't like? Is your DP on board?

My Mil is a nightmare but no where near as bad as yours. I’m well aware that I’m not good enough and the choices we have made for our children she doesn’t agree with - I got to a point where I just don’t care and put things in place to protect myself and in doing so has protected our children.

1. I no longer text or respond to messages. If I have been sent one I ask my husband to respond back. I’m not rude so birthdays etc I send a Thankyou but that’s it. It also means she knows less about our lives as my husband will chat about other things and so she only knows very little of our lives.

2. My husband has to do the birthdays/Christmas thinking for his family - I’m happy to wrap but that’s it. He tries to engage me on my opinion but I refuse to involve myself.

3. It became obvious that what she actually wanted was my husband full attention, so he now will go to see her alone take her out for a trip/ meal without us. The children didn’t want to go as even they felt very much in the way and also began to be aware of the comments - they didn’t want to hear it or be put in a situation to defend it as they got older.

Everyone is happier, my husband feels less pulled about. I feel better as the LC means I don’t feel so open to the underhand controlling comments.

Perfection by name, perfection by nature.

OP - this would be such a firm line in the sand for you.
Do you feel able to do this?
It will finally burn the bridge that MiL has been holding you hostage on - your own over-concern about what she thinks of you.

Perfection's message tells her that you can no longer be controlled by the threat of her having a bad opinion of you. By the threat of her bullying, or screaming & shouting. By the threat of her just turning up & ordering you about.
I recommend you do it. It will feel scary at first - but so liberating.

The absolute joy for you would be - as soon as you've sent that message, you no longer have to deal with the fallout - because you will LEAVE THE WHATSAPP GROUP IMMEDIATELY.
Let them scream & shout amongst themselves.
You are not longer interested - or bothered.
You don't have to answer phone calls, or open the front door.
You, & your home, are now impenetrable, unless you issue an invitation to visit.

Visualise it OP. How great does that feel?

If your inlaws already think you're a bitch then what does it matter if you stand up to them and set boundaries? You say your DH is the black sheep & you're the terrible influence that has corrupted him - own it. Be firm, calm and state your boundaries.

"No MIL that doesn't work for us."
"We are not available for a visit today. We will invite you when it is convenient for our family."
"You will not be taking the children unless you have checked with me & DH."
"DH and I are confident in the doctor's advice."

If they show up unannounced - don't let them in.
Meet them at neutral places where the kids can have fun - outings to a zoo or a park.
Cut way way way back on the amount of pictures you send and the overall level of contact. Don't reply everytime they demand pictures or videos, you're just feeding the entitlement.

I've only skimmed the thread. But two points PPs have made stand out for me: one is that your OP makes it sound as though you were the sole parent here, and two is that this is not 'love'. What you're experiencing here is controlling behaviour and a very unhealthy dynamic. From what you've written, your fears for your children's wellbeing should this behaviour continue are legitimate.

It's hard to tackle a situation in which non-compliance with their demands immediately brooks aggression. In the short term this may make life easier, but in the long time it becomes more difficult, to the extent that when you do reach breaking point the blowout risks being much more severe and more likely to end in complete estrangement. And that's an end no one ideally wants, if only people can learn to respect boundaries. Remember, they won't change. They have things exactly as they want them. If you want any behaviour to change, it will first have to be yours. And let your husband know that the least of your expectations is that he is not to sabotage your efforts.

I'd recommend you read Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws. This woman is a master at setting realistic boundaries in a non-confrontational way, and tackling any confrontation that does arise using a non-defensive form of communication. She knows her job, and her book is incredibly helpful. I think you'll immediately recognize your in-laws as the engulfers.

Gradually start to step back. First thing to do is stop sending so many pictures. Start referring her demands to your husband; it should not be assumed that you're going to pick up all the slack of the wifework. Stop being so readily available. And grey rock. This approach has likely saved many a stilted family relationship; better than letting things drag on, resulting in a Vesuvius-level eruption, and ending in the inevitable No Contact.

Good luck, OP. Unfortunately, you're going to need it.

@RitaFaircloughsWig - are you reading the same thread as me?

The only "sick" here is MiL's revolting & controlling behaviour.
Not PP's sensible advice to OP in how to handle it.

Let all hell break loose. What is the worst that can happen? is she going to spank you? I don't understand this. You carry on with this mouse like behaviour and your children would start talking to you like your MIL does, they will act like her and it will be too late.

All hell would break loose! Everyone would rush to defend MIL and how she's just giving advice and how I take everything the wrong way etc.

OP - all together now" - "SO WHAT?"

You don't have to witness "everyone"'s behaviour.
Let 'em get on with manufacturing drama.
You don't need to hear it, see it, or engage with it in any way.

If they bring it to your door "I'm not interested, come back when you've got something pleasant to say, BYE". AND SHUT THE DOOR/HANG UP THE PHONE.

This isn’t love, it’s being interfering and obsessive. MIL is trying to own your kids rather than love them. But your DH needs to step up and support you.
A MIL who shouts, screams and cries when you stand up to her is not a person I’d want looking after my kids.

It’s really hard to be assertive if it’s not in your nature but I think you have to find a way of being more so whatever this takes. It’s interesting that when you first posted you kept saying that people would probably think you were in the wrong. You’ve been browbeaten to the point where you think it must be your inadequacy. Not the case of course because clearly, you are being bullied and intimidated by your ILs. I hate confrontation, it makes me feel ill but there is no way I’d let my child leave the house with another person if I wasn’t happy about it. These are your children NOT your MIL’s. You have to start telling her where to get off and let her shout away. At the moment you are empowering her; she knows her behaviour gets her what she wants and you have to break that cycle.

Definitely not paranoid. Anyone this obsessed with my DD would get my back up instantly, relative or not. If they behaved this way with all of their grandchildren then fine, I would just put that down to being OTT in general but it sounds like it’s only OP’s children and that doesn’t sit right with me.

Also, DH is clearly not as involved as he should be. A pp suggested DH being the one to take the kids over to see your in-laws instead of you.

I don’t think you’re being OTT at all. As well as a potential safeguarding issue, they just sound downright annoying as hell in general. Looking at pictures (that you asked for btw) and overanalysing to the point where you’re questioning if my daughters hair is pulled too tight? Yeah okay, no. That’s where I draw the line. As if life isn’t stressful enough 🙄

So in short, hand this one over to your DH, this shouldn’t be stressing you out to this degree where they’re not even your biological parents.

OP - you & DH need to get your heads round this - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

You need to work together as a team on dealing with his toxic family.
Have a look at the Toolbix & Forum pages - share them with him, discuss what you learn, & agree a mutual strategy for managing the interference & melodrama your MiL enjoys bringing to your lives.

They do sound a bit overbearing but your husband needs to step up and tell them, does he agree with you and feel the same?
if he does then step back and let him do some work. Stop sending them stuff too you are just fuelling the fire .
hope you get it sorted soon 💐

You and your DH need to work as a team.

I have no idea why they are contacting you all the time. You and your DH need to tell them to contact him.

Your DH needs to tell them they can't come round unannounced and certainly cannot take your DC without prior approval

Essentially @feelingwelljell you need to take a massive step back from this and your DH needs to take a massive step forward.

FGS that's why you leave the group. They already don't like you why are you trying to keep them happy?

@Elliania - great post.

And now a derail ... is your username derived from Elliania Blackwater, by any chance? The Narcheska?

All hell would break loose! Everyone would rush to defend MIL and how she's just giving advice and how I take everything the wrong way etc.

Could you not do the "and what does that mean" put her on the back foot? or "why do you think you know better than the GP" - or better yet - "well I've spoken to the professionals on the matter" depending on the advice - who told you that - advice changes that is hideously out of date - or simple that doesn't work for us. Or just a big sigh and completely refuse to engage or smile nod and ignore.

TBH with the what's app I'd just leave - why get wound up all the while - but the above in conversation with practise might help. You want statements that either put her on the spot not you or close down any conversation on the matter.

You need to stay clam and refuse to engage - it does take pratcise - if she perssist you do broken record repeat. You might need to think through how you prevent situations arising - like them just turning up - not answering the door being on the way out giving a more convienet alternative.

You’re in control of all of this so be in control. I know it’s hard when you feel like you will offend and hell will break loose etc. but that’s only a reasonable concern if your actions were unreasonable. Your actions are NOT unreasonable. These people are controlling and the way they treat and undermine you is not ok.

you are also setting an example for your children. Don’t let them constantly watch their mother be a doormat.

Life is too short for this. Set. Some. Boundaries.

I’m going to go against the grain. I don’t think these people are coming from a place of malice.

their nurturing approach will benefit your children and I think it’s great they want to be involved.

some things you have said it seems like it’s a clash of personalities and you’ve not said anything too dreadful.

the kids uncle was offering to take your child to see their cousins surely that’s not harmful or rude? I doubt he was trying to arrange it with your child without going through you at some point? I mean you were there when he said it?

YANBU at all and your MIL sounds controlling and manipulative. Shouting and screaming at you is abusive, and if she does it in the presence of your children it's beyond appalling.

If you and your DH are on the same page (and it sounds as though you are), I'd be asking her to stop the minute she starts and either you leave or you ask her to leave your house if she persists.

There are some great suggestions in this thread for how to deal with her, but you may end up having to very low, or no, contact if she keeps this up.

I'd be seriously considering moving a very long way if I was in your shoes!

They’re giving you plenty of great opportunities to practise saying “no”. You will feel so good when you start sticking up for yourself. It’s so hard at a first but really worth it. As for any “fall out” - not your circus, not your monkeys. Leave the WhatsApp group and let them crack on.