Love from in laws towards my kids is too much

[feelingwelljell]

I know it's unreasonable.

But the love my in laws have for my kids is too much and it annoys me. I must start by saying, I don't get on with them very well. Lots of things have happened.

I think probably if we had a better relationship, it may not annoy me as much, but I don't know.

It's like my kids are the centre of their universe. Everything is about them and they constantly want to see them at every opportunity. If they haven't seen them for a week, I get messages saying they miss them. I also get told I need to send pictures and videos more often. When my in laws can't come, they pretty much send their other kids and they take constant videos of my kids to then show the in laws.

I send pics to them too and videos as they're always asking, but most of the time when I send something, they'll be some over the top concerned comment from my mother in law, about something really minor in the picture. For example, oh his eye looks swollen or - her hair looks pulled a bit tight, is she OK ? Or - if they even have a minor illness, she has to get really involved and push me to get more and more tests done, even though I'm comfortable in whatever the doctors have told me. She just has to be overly involved in everything and she stresses me out and ruins my mood when I send a nice pic, as she can't say anything nice and always knit picks.

Anyway I know how it sounds. How can I be irritated by someone loving my kids too much ? I sound like an absolute idiot. But they're my kids. I'm afraid my in laws want to gain lots of ground with my kids and will try to bring them up their way and be a huge influence on them. I believe kids should be raised by their parents and I don't want them to be raised to be carbon copies of their other kids. I want to have a big role to play ( the main role ) in how my kids will be raised. But I feel these constant demands for their time and having to be so involved in their lives is going to mean that they'll influence them massively. I don't think it's wrong for them to have a role in their lives, but I don't want to be on the sidelines of their lives, because my in laws ads second parents to them.

They can see them once every couple of weeks and I shouldn't need to be made to feel bad for them ' missing them so much ' after just a week. It's OTT. Anyway, I know I'll get my arse handed to me. But perhaps someone has something helpful to say ?

I feel like a tyrant if I ever say that we can't see them. I just can't say no. I've tried a few times and get theatrics. My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set. They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house. Daughter gets excited because they set no boundaries for her there at all and she does what she wants there ( another problem ). And I just have to go along with it.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.

I'm feeling extra territorial as I've just had a baby, so maybe that's what's prompted these feelings to become stronger.

I just feel like I should be the only one to love my kids this much and to show this amount of concern for them ? My parents are totally different. Whilst they love all their grandchildren a lot, I don't feel it's as excessive and overbearing.

YANBU whatsoever!! They would do my head in. My Dad and SM are slightly similar, not as overbearing though thank God!! But I have had to withdraw from them. Similarly spoil my children - I prefer the word ruin, as that is exactly what they're doing.

I think you're going to have to get tough with them and stand your ground. Write down for yourself the boundaries that you want. You're going to have to get very poker face as well, the 'that's nice but no thanks' look. I would say little to them but be straight to the point. And tell them if they are coming round to message you in advance because their showing up is not alwaye convenient. Don't have to say anything else. If they show up unannounced, answer the door. 'I'd invite you in but we're off out.' Reiterate, 'In future, please message me in advance of you visiting'.

Be consistent, keep your answers and requests to the point, don't over explain. I know it's not easy, but eventually they'll get the message and you'll feel more empowered in dealing with them.

Your kids, your rules.

Constantly criticising, coming and demanding to take the kids and taking them, demanding excessive amounts of videos, playing the victim by crying and screaming. None of this is 'normal interaction'.

Anyone think maybe DP doesn’t think grandparents coming round or asking for pictures or occasionally giving annoying or over worried advice is actually the huge deal OP does? Perhaps he considers it normal. I would.

How old are your dc?

First of all I would stop sending any pictures or videos. You are violating your dc privacy. They will soon be teenagers and then adults, believe me it goes faster than you'd think and they will not appreciate other people having gigabytes of photos and videos of them.

You need to stand up for yourself and draw a nice big boundary around your family, you are the boss when it comes to your children (as well as your husband of course).

If anyone shouted and screamed and cried whilst calling me a bad person I'd be telling them to get out of my house (or hang up if on phone) and refusing future contact. Let your child's father deal with it if they can't be civil.

They can't make you do anything you don't want to do

I'm surprised to hear some think this is a normal grandparent interaction. It's not in my view. Where is the children's father in all of this?

I see where you're coming from, but this MIL is turning up at the OPs house declaring that she's taking the kids, despite not knowing what's planned for the day. And kicking off/playing the victim when not getting her way. If anyone's treating the kids like a possession it's the MIL. And it sounds like she knows she's got OP to the point where she feels uncomfortable saying no and is using it to her advantage.

Stop biting your tongue and stand up to them, especially to your MIL. She will kick off as she’s always done but let her. Stand your ground. She kicks off because she gets her own way every time.
“No, they can’t come to yours, we have plans.”
” No, can’t do videos, the kids are doing ( whatever).”
If they send others to your house to video them stop them, or stand in the way. This is your house remember.
“No need to worry, I trust my GP, if he thinks they need a second opinion they will arrange it. But they don’t so we’ll leave it there. “
If you send her a pic of them say something to preempt her forensic scrutiny of it. “Here’s a lovely pic of them Ma,
If she finds fault say I think you may need an eye test, there’s nothing wrong with her eye/hair”. Or make a PA comment. “I see you’re wearing your forensic goggles again, isn’t it time you ditched them.? “

This is not love - if you love a child you want it to have the best possible relationship with its parents - this is an attempt to control.

Do you feel like they don't trust you to bring "their" (grand)children up?

Do they have other grandchildren, how are they about them?

Does your DH acquiesce with them for a quiet life?

I think there’s unreasonableness on both sides.

you are the biggest influence on your children and you are bringing them up. But you can’t dictate how much other people love them. You can’t stop grandparents and other family members, teachers, your friends, their friends (when they are older) also influencing children.

Thats not a bad thing. If you were the only influence on your children they would be a carbon copy of you.

However they do seem over baring. I think the problem is that you are both coming at this from complete extremes.

You don’t mention your dp/dh so I am going to assume he doesn’t get involved and that’s usually because they don’t have a problem with it. That’s where the problem is. You and your dp/dh need to work out what you are both happy with (which could be compromise on both sides) and then stick by that.

That sounds horrendous. What does your DH do in all this?

I was about to call sorry for the in laws when I tread the thread title. But the years and tantrums and controlling behaviour is not grandparent love.

They announce they're talking your daughter? Just say no and let the screaming wall over you (preferably get your daughter out of the way first, by telling her to go and play in the garden or something). And make it clear that you're in charge and they talk to you in advance in future.

The videos? "Talk to your son about this, I'm busy with the new baby"

Yes this exactly ! I think they don't trust me ! We have quite different views on life and I think they want to make sure my kids spend as much time with them as possible so they can be less influenced by me.

If you look at my in laws children, they're carbon copies of them. They pretty much live their lives in exactly the same way and share exactly the same views ( apart from my husband who is the black sheep ). But apparently my husband used to be good, but because of me he's now not good- as I've influenced him negatively ( MIL's words ).

So yes I do get that children will have different influencers in their life. In my opinion being an adult means, being able to hold different views to your parents. I'm happy for my children to do that. I don't need them and don't want them to be like me.

However my in laws have somehow managed to create children who don't have minds of their own. I don't want them to do that to my children. I'm afraid they will do that if they spend too much time with them.

I also get told I need to send pictures and videos more often.

Why are they asking you and not their son?

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully.

This alone is grounds to go no contact with them.

They sound awful, don’t let them in to your home again.

Can you send pics/vids that are a few days old? Then when MIL nitpicks, you can say it’s all sorted, pic is from X day.
So, ´he sounds snuffly, you should take him to the dr because it might be pneumonia’
ˋvideo is from last Friday, his cold has already cleared up.’
´His hair is too messy.’ ´Pic is from yesterday, his hair was washed and combed last night before bed.’
´He should be wearing a jacket, it’s a bit cold today’ ´Pic is from last week, it was very warm in the sun’.

However my in laws have somehow managed to create children who don't have minds of their own. I don't want them to do that to my children. I'm afraid they will do that if they spend too much time with them.

You’re over complicating things. They are abusive to you so they need to go from your lives. That’s it.

Please don’t do this, never appease bullies.

Sorry are you seriously saying in the real world it’s normal for your in laws to scream at you and call you a bully if you don’t see them weekly? To constantly demand pictures and videos and then nitpick every one of them? Because it’s certainly not how my in laws or any that I know would behave

Loving your tactic @PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS

Why are you ignoring the repeated questions about what your DH thinks- and is doing- about all this?

Where is your husband in all of this?

You need an extremely firm conversation about expectations and boundaries when the kids aren’t present. That way they can scream and shout that you’re a bad person and a bully as much as they like and you can stand there calmly and say “I find the way you’re speaking to me very disrespectful. I’m not bullying you, I’m letting you know how our relationship can work well for me as well as you. I’m sure that’s what you want too, isn’t it?”

If they carry on, you can say “I’m really surprised and upset that you have such a negative view of my character and to be honest it makes me reluctant to send the kids to spend time with you alone in case you’ve been speaking poorly of me. I had no idea you felt this way about me.”

At this point they may well realise where the actual balance of power lies in the relationship and back off. If they protest they didn’t think you were a bad person until you started trying to keep them apart from their grandchildren, you can clarify that you don’t want that, you just want a little notice of visits so that your day isn’t disrupted. Now the situation is clear for them and they can’t push you around. If they try showing up again, you’ll just have to do a fake nice act. “Oh, Martha, I’m so sorry but perhaps you’ve forgotten the chat we had the other day about giving notice on visits? Today’s not possible as I had some plans with the kids but let’s make a time now, how’s Wednesday?” Then, when she’s gone, make sure to do something extra fun with the kids so that they feel like they got the good end of the deal by staying home.

I wouldn't send ANY pics! Her son can send pics if he wants to. I wouldn't have any direct communication with her.

One of those threads where I would love to hear MIL's side.

OP, you haven't said, despite being asked several times, where your DH is in all this.

Where is your partner and their son in all of this? Why is he letting them bully you?
I understand not wanting them to have your Dd.

You've had some good advice upthread. Stock phrases on repeat- saying that you trust the gp, they're your children to parent your way and that why must she always find & only focus on the negatives in photos - will show up her constant picking. I'd agree a day once every 3 weeks or so for a couple of hrs. Attempts to barge in between times would be refuted with it not being convenient and reminders of next diary date- although arranging another time in advance can be done. If they're that pushy I'd advise the standard mn rulez- no keys and a ring doorbell. I'd also stop sending constant photos etc- you're too busy enjoying them and interacting with your dc to be behind the lens all the time right?

It might sound ott but it will be worse when your children are older with hobbies, clubs & play dates and your MIL kicks off about them not being glued to her. Unless you nip it now.

Option b is just lose your shit.