Love from in laws towards my kids is too much

[feelingwelljell]

I know it's unreasonable.

But the love my in laws have for my kids is too much and it annoys me. I must start by saying, I don't get on with them very well. Lots of things have happened.

I think probably if we had a better relationship, it may not annoy me as much, but I don't know.

It's like my kids are the centre of their universe. Everything is about them and they constantly want to see them at every opportunity. If they haven't seen them for a week, I get messages saying they miss them. I also get told I need to send pictures and videos more often. When my in laws can't come, they pretty much send their other kids and they take constant videos of my kids to then show the in laws.

I send pics to them too and videos as they're always asking, but most of the time when I send something, they'll be some over the top concerned comment from my mother in law, about something really minor in the picture. For example, oh his eye looks swollen or - her hair looks pulled a bit tight, is she OK ? Or - if they even have a minor illness, she has to get really involved and push me to get more and more tests done, even though I'm comfortable in whatever the doctors have told me. She just has to be overly involved in everything and she stresses me out and ruins my mood when I send a nice pic, as she can't say anything nice and always knit picks.

Anyway I know how it sounds. How can I be irritated by someone loving my kids too much ? I sound like an absolute idiot. But they're my kids. I'm afraid my in laws want to gain lots of ground with my kids and will try to bring them up their way and be a huge influence on them. I believe kids should be raised by their parents and I don't want them to be raised to be carbon copies of their other kids. I want to have a big role to play ( the main role ) in how my kids will be raised. But I feel these constant demands for their time and having to be so involved in their lives is going to mean that they'll influence them massively. I don't think it's wrong for them to have a role in their lives, but I don't want to be on the sidelines of their lives, because my in laws ads second parents to them.

They can see them once every couple of weeks and I shouldn't need to be made to feel bad for them ' missing them so much ' after just a week. It's OTT. Anyway, I know I'll get my arse handed to me. But perhaps someone has something helpful to say ?

I feel like a tyrant if I ever say that we can't see them. I just can't say no. I've tried a few times and get theatrics. My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set. They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house. Daughter gets excited because they set no boundaries for her there at all and she does what she wants there ( another problem ). And I just have to go along with it.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.

I'm feeling extra territorial as I've just had a baby, so maybe that's what's prompted these feelings to become stronger.

I just feel like I should be the only one to love my kids this much and to show this amount of concern for them ? My parents are totally different. Whilst they love all their grandchildren a lot, I don't feel it's as excessive and overbearing.

My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set.
You need to rethink this mindset - urgently.
Stop "setting" boundaries. Enforce them.
Because when you 'set' a boundary, & MiL ignores it - look what you are allowing to happen - And I just have to go along with it.

In what way do you "have to go along with it"?
You don't.
You DO have decide that the alternative - which is obviously this -
Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.
is way worse that the short term pain of choosing to enforce your boundary.

Your MiL is used to getting her own way.
She has trained you to allow your boundaries to be trampled.
She is behaving like a giant toddler & I think it would help you to start viewing & responding to her as one.

So give yourself a good talking to, brace yourself for the explosions that are going to be coming your way - & JUST SAY NO!
When she asks for pics -
"my phone's on charge, I'll do it later"
"I'm a bit busy right now, can you ask DH?"
You could even, eventually, work yourself up to some radical honesty:
"No. I can't be arsed, because you will start nitpicking something & I can't be bothered dealing with your insane questions today."

When she sends DH's siblings round to video/take pics -
"Give it a rest, my kids will think they're film stars the amount of pics you're taking"
"OK it's time to put the cameras away & live in the moment for a change"
Working up to -
"If you've come round on MiL's orders again, just to take pics, I'm not facilitating that today. If you've come round because you actually want to see us, you're welcome though ..."

When she rings you - or turns up on your doorstep - & you don't want to deal with her - don't even engage. You simply tell her "gotta run" and HANG UP or SHUT YOUR DOOR.
You have gone along with her bullying for so ling that it's going to feel very strange standing up to it. But you have to, or she will drive you demented.
You are also likely to experience an Extinction Burst as MiL loudly expresses her outrage at no longer being allowed to steamroller you -
fortestrong.com/extinction-burst-what-is-it-and-how-can-you-use-it-to-your-advantage/

You need to ride it out.
I know how you will dread it - but what's the alternative? You, squashed & suffocated & miserable, & your DC spoiled & made into carbon copies of MiL's other DC & GDC, & everybody still dancing only to MiL's tune?
If you drop the rope, & refuse to engage beyond a simple statement of your boundary - but then move to enforce that boundary no matter what insane outbursts MiL produces - you will eventually retrain yourself to stop accepting this ridiculous & damaging dynamic.
It will be ugly, possibly even frightening at first - MiL will escalate, recruit Flying Monkeys, bad mouth you to all comers - but frankly, why do you need to give a shit about that? Because your response will now be -
"Sorry, can't talk now gotta dash" & end the phone call - switch your phone off if need be - &
"Sorry, not convenient for a visit now, DH will give you a call to arrange something later" - & shut the door in her face.
If she kicks off? - so what? She's not on the phone to you, she's not in your house. Win!
If she screams outside the house? - so what? - Let her. If she's making a public nuisance of herself, call the cops.

In short - you have to STOP caring what this awful woman thinks, & STOP giving into her. It's only fear of her reaction that's preventing you from enforcing your boundary. Remember - enforcing. Because you can set as many boundaries as you like, & they will all be useless if you allow them to crumble as soon as MiL says "jump". So take the consequences, ride out the extinction burst, & get your life back.

Also - He finds them annoying of course and overbearing and he does stand up to them. But they use the same bullying tactics on him too. It's tough !
Move. Far away.
You will never completely escape this toxic nonsense until DH is able to fully inhabit the "black sheep" role MiL has assigned him in his family.
Until you can move away, you are going to have to summon all your courage & - very simply - start believing in the power of your own "NO!" & that you have the ability to enforce that no. You have to decide to be tough enough to ride out the punishment & control MiL will try to force on you when you resist doing her bidding.

Best of British OP.
People without a Cluster-B type personality disorder in the family won't get how exhausting & terrifying it can be. But enough's enough now. MiL doesn't own you. Get her to fuck.

And my s in law actively competes with me over “her special kid” with me - it is extremely disconcerting.

Yes - had the with pfb. Oddly a lot of other upsetting comments- house cooking washing, eating all seemed to come from idea she was competing with me.

She does it with other women - though took me a while to realise it wasn't all directed at me - but more I just refused to engage the better it got.

I did spend years having to make sure MIL didn't on days out disappear with pfb and leave rest of us hanging around and I put a stop to the bad mouthing of me to pfb or any of them. I also had to deal with bizzare idea of her being called mama and lots of digs that everyone thought she was the mum - they didn't but first year that really bugged me. Then pfb ran across kitchen floor to me ignoring MIL arms and the look of pure jealousy on MIL face made me realise what she said it didn't really matter.

She actually worked out as a very good GM - but easily have gone another way without boundaries.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully.

So what? Let her rant and rave. Why should her needs trump yours?

Fuck the lot of them OP. You need to put far better boundaries in place, and that may involve relocating physically.

My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set.

They won't even when you do establish them they'll still occaionally test them.

Maybe try Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage - to see if there are statergies you could use. I think I just got to the no point - I saw my own mother bitter due to her ILs and didn't want that. I'm probably more bitter than I realise but still not as bad and hopefully set a good model for our own children.

I think that some of it is new birth hormones. I'd say that I was co-parented by my maternal grandparents and I have lovely memories of our times together.

How lovely for you to be raised by kind & reasonable GC @@Ponoka7
But your experience really has nothing to do with OP's, so I'm not sure why you trotted it out.

I also dislike the patronising way you dismiss her difficulties as being down to "hormones". Stinks of DARVO, & OP will have enough of that on her plate already - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Unless your GC regularly nit-picked, demanded, screamed, shouted at & bullied you - you haven't got a clue what OP is enduring.

As I said - people with no experience of what it is like having a Cluster-B type personality disorder in the family will Just Not Get It ...

What you are describing is a bullying, controlling relationship that you and your husband are colluding with instead of protecting your children from.

These are awful people and you are allowing them to tell you that they are taking YOUR child when they just turn up.

They are not normal.
This is not a normal situation.
YOU are not normal to be tolerating this.

Most people would not tolerate this.
They would go LC or NC.
They would not answer the door.

They would tell their husband to sort his parents out.

Screaming and shouting if his mother doesn't get her way?

Not normal and awful that you would hand over your children to such people.

No videos, no pictures.
Block them on the phone.
Don't answer the door.

TELL them that they can see the children on X date and mean it.

You need to stand up for your children, not allow these awful people bully and control their parents.

This is not normal behaviour.

Stand up for yourself and your children.
They do not need people like this in their lives.

It's not "bizarre" or "irrational" to not want to be bullied, screamed at, & controlled by a personality disordered individual, @sst1234

In the real world, those of us with experience of these types of people fully understand that their outrageous demands are nothing to do with "love", & everything to do with control & domination.

OP - ignore the #BeKind Brigade - if you note the scolding, disapproving tone, you'll see how ironically unkind it is of them to misunderstand your situation & blame you for it.

Order this book, & pop along to the "Stately Homes Thread". You will find PP with actual experience there, who can advise & commiserate, & who won't give you this kind of codswallop.
www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Susan-Forward/dp/0060507853

Might sound extreme, but is it possible to move away and put some distance between them?

They sound awful. You could also just delete their numbers, tell your DH that it's his mum so he can deal with it and similarly, tell MIL to speak with her son about the kids, not you. Also if they come uninvited, just don't let them in.

Ugh, I'd move away. Failing that - anytime they yell at you and call you a bully etc for saying no to something, that would result in an extended time of them not seeing the DC - a time out, as it were.

They will learn quickly enough that trying to escalate things and bullying you into doing what they want will actually end up with them seeing the grandkids LESS.

What @KettrickenSmiled says!

Read their posts. Then read them again. They make so much sense.

YANBU!! This is awful. The truth is they don't respect you so stop worrying what they think.
I'd arrange a weekly/fortnightly afternoon for them to have/spoil dc and explain it's better as you may have plans on other days. I would go out lots for a few weeks if they don't get the hint.
Photos/ videos great but only on your terms, any negative comments I'd say 'try not to worry yourself we would tell you if something was wrong'
Don't try to change them/justify yourself you won't win just smile politely or leave dh to manage them.

I had this my ex in laws were on tap babysitters which was fab but too much and too opinionated. If I got their hair cut, Mil would say to dc 'we will have to smack mummy's bum if she does that again' I just ignored it. As kids got older they now find their dgp annoying as they are too involved in their business and will moan they never see them anymore(they are all adults now)

Good grief, they sound completely ridiculous and far too over-invested.

As a MIL, I am very conscious of not being too intrusive because I want to have a great relationship with my adult DC. and their partners too, as well as the grandchildren.

Honestly, she’s not your boss so you do not have to do as she bids. The first time she was rude and had a strop, I’d have shown her the door. You need to be much, much firmer with her and stand your ground.

Anyone that sulks or calls me names would be treated like an overgrown toddler who needs reminding of the rules of good behaviour.

You decide how often your children see their grandparents and I’d cut it right back to almost never for now and only increase visits when your MIL behaves herself. Make it clear to her that any more of her nonsense results in loss of privileges just like you’d do with a naughty child.

You need to protect your kids from her interference so stand up to her. You can do this. 👍🏻

Anytime they notice anything is even slightly wrong with my kids ( I never tell them ) they will make a massive deal out of it on the family WhatsApp. Including everyone else in the conversation, rather than just talking to me directly. It irritates me so much.

My mother in law makes me find things to worry about. I'm a bit anxious anyway and she heightens it so much
When my first was a newborn she convinced me to take her to the doctor / hospital at any given opportunity. If I then reported back, doctor said she just has colic or whatever it was, she would push and push and push - well did you ask why ? How long it will last ? Is it something you've eaten that's caused it ? How long will it last ? Will they see her again ? You get the drift..whatever I had found out from the doctor, it was never enough and would make me feel like I had failed. My first starts nursery and gets every bug going.. surely something is wrong ! You need to push the doctors for a blood test. Something is wrong with her ! Every other parent says it's normal for her to pick up bugs at Nursery when she's new.. etc. nope, my MIL has to push it.

The other day I was in the shower and my mum was round. They turned up, saying they'll take my DD to their house.. my mum said to them she is uncomfortable to let them take her as she'd rather check with me first.. that didn't even cross their mind
! My bro in law said last week to my DD that she would come and pick her up the next day and take her to her house.. to which I could not bite my tongue and said, well mummy would like to approve that before you do it. I can 100 percent guarantee that bro in law took that badly and like me being a massive bitch. I am a bitch to them as soon as I show any kind of boundary. It's always been that way and will always be that way. They guilt my dh and I with all the , we just love them so much and mean well. We are your parents ( to my DH ) and love you so much. They basically only tolerate me though ..

None of the grandparents of my children want to see them at all - ever. I have to force them to have a relationship with them... I can't even imagine this!

I think you need to develop a thicker skin OP - people can't "make" you feel guilty, only you can do that - you need to let any comments roll off you - if they are going on about your child's health, just brush them off - she's fine, she doesn't need a blood test - rinse and repeat.

If they come over and say "we're taking dd to our house" practice some answers eg. not today thank you - let's make an arrangement for when she can go - so you are not saying "no" you are just saying "not at the moment"

You don’t need to be typing out essays about these people, it’s your husbands issue to sort. Get him to sort this nonsense, no excuses. Advocate for yourself and your kids.

We had this problem too - only my dad left now and he has no interest in my children and then wonders why they don't want to visit - errrr... because they don't know you?

When i had my children my parents ignored all my views about how I want to raise my children they also tried to over take Christmas and birthdays. I really had to put my foot down. However, as soon as my children got a bit older my mother especially lost all interest in my kids and all her other grandchildren too mainly because the children could say no themselves.

Anytime they notice anything is even slightly wrong with my kids ( I never tell them ) they will make a massive deal out of it on the family WhatsApp. Including everyone else in the conversation, rather than just talking to me directly. It irritates me so much.
Delete yourself from the family Whatsapp.
Why would you give a flying fuck what these idiots say on it?
There - sorted!

My mother in law makes me find things to worry about. I'm a bit anxious anyway and she heightens it so much
When my first was a newborn she convinced me to take her to the doctor / hospital at any given opportunity. If I then reported back, doctor said she just has colic or whatever it was, she would push and push and push - well did you ask why ? How long it will last ? Is it something you've eaten that's caused it ? How long will it last ? Will they see her again ? You get the drift..whatever I had found out from the doctor, it was never enough and would make me feel like I had failed. My first starts nursery and gets every bug going.. surely something is wrong ! You need to push the doctors for a blood test. Something is wrong with her ! Every other parent says it's normal for her to pick up bugs at Nursery when she's new.. etc. nope, my MIL has to push it.
"Our GP isn't worried, & neither are we."
"Can you cut it out with the cross-examination?"
"As I said, everything's fine, you don't need to worry"
"Going to stop you there now, as I don't need to justify my decisions to you - see you next weekend, BYE"
& HANG UP

The other day I was in the shower and my mum was round. They turned up, saying they'll take my DD to their house.. my mum said to them she is uncomfortable to let them take her as she'd rather check with me first.. that didn't even cross their mind
Your mum has good instincts.

My bro in law said last week to my DD that she would come and pick her up the next day and take her to her house.. to which I could not bite my tongue and said, well mummy would like to approve that before you do it. I can 100 percent guarantee that bro in law took that badly and like me being a massive bitch.
Again - you need to channel your inner "so what?"
Well done for speaking up.Have a good long think about why you ever felt it necessary to "bite your tongue". Stop biting it. Your house, your child, your rules.
Next time one of MiL's Flying Monkeys proxies show up to help themselves to your child - be harsher.
"You don't get to decide when DD is visiting - that's my job. Stop intefering. If MiL wants to see DD, she can ask me herself directly. And if my answer is no, MiL has to learn to deal with that without having a hissy fit, because I'm no longer tolerating her bullying - ok?"

I am a bitch to them as soon as I show any kind of boundary. It's always been that way and will always be that way. They guilt my dh and I with all the , we just love them so much and mean well. We are your parents ( to my DH ) and love you so much. They basically only tolerate me though ..
Again - SO WHAT?
As PP upthread observed - they dislike you anyway - use that.
When you stop expecting or hoping for some kind of ... validation from these awful people, you will free yourself to maintain boundaries, protect your children, & see yourself & DH as the sole decision-makers for your DC.
They think you're a bitch anyway. So be one.
How you haven't already told them to just fuck off is beyond me. But baby steps OP - get practicing with speaking up & ENFORCING your boundaries.

Of course children aren't possessions, but OP is the primary care giver, and if anyone is acting possessive it's MIL.

They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house.

This behaviour (along with everything in the OP) is overbearing and would upset most parents, especially one with a new baby.

I agree with PP who advise OP to back off and let DP/DH deal with his family. She doesn't need this.

start turning this around on them... "coming to take little ariel home with me now",
erm no...mummy didnt say nanny could, next time nanny needs to ask first

put your foot down. They are YOUR kids. not hers. why on earth is this allowed to continue.??

I honestly think you need to think of this as dog training. You reward good behaviour and ignore bad. To do this, you’re going to have to start organizing things to do with your kids and/or have a long list or reasons (excuses) not to go along with their plans (tyranny). You will have to follow through or the kids will report back. Make sure that you tick things off the list so that you are not repeating yourself to arouse suspicion.

Then have bags, jackets, keys, etc. all by the door for when they “drop by” and say, “Oh we’re just on our way out. You should have rung and seen if it suited me. Maybe next week…” (Make sure you use “me” because that puts you in the position of power.) Don’t give them any inroads into coming along too. Let them know that you have plans that don’t include them.

*It helps to have friends/family ready to back you up at short notice.
*Maybe start booking your wee ones into mum and baby groups/music lessons/kindergym, etc. That gives you more reason to say no. (And have fun with your own kids.)

Gosh - this sounds awful! How close do they actually live? Would you consider moving a little further away to put in some distance that would make it hard for them to ‘just turn up’?….I know that seems quite drastic but Jeez, I’d hate to live with this level of interference!! I’d stop engaging on the family WhatsApp, do they have keys to your house? If so get the locks changed and make it clear that all family need to ask before they visit…dropping in should not be an option. It’s hard but you need to learn to not worry about what they think of you - they don’t like you anyway so stop trying!! You need to speak with your dh and come up with a joint plan to sort this out, it’s obviously not healthy for either of you. Are yours the only grandchildren or are there others they’re as crazy with?

Leave the WhatsApp group

Next time MIL criticises you on the WhatsApp group I'd be tempted to say:

"I've had enough of your nitpicking and your lack of respect. Do not turn up to my house unannounced. Do not expect to take my DD away whenever you feel like it. Do not demand constant photos. Do not scream at me or try to bully me. The worse your behaviour is, the less you will see of my children. I'm leaving this group now, contact DH if you must, but don't expect to see my children if you cannot treat their mother with basic respect and decency."

Then leave the group. You have to stand up for yourself. Refuse to talk to any of them and let your DH deal with them.