Love from in laws towards my kids is too much

[feelingwelljell]

I know it's unreasonable.

But the love my in laws have for my kids is too much and it annoys me. I must start by saying, I don't get on with them very well. Lots of things have happened.

I think probably if we had a better relationship, it may not annoy me as much, but I don't know.

It's like my kids are the centre of their universe. Everything is about them and they constantly want to see them at every opportunity. If they haven't seen them for a week, I get messages saying they miss them. I also get told I need to send pictures and videos more often. When my in laws can't come, they pretty much send their other kids and they take constant videos of my kids to then show the in laws.

I send pics to them too and videos as they're always asking, but most of the time when I send something, they'll be some over the top concerned comment from my mother in law, about something really minor in the picture. For example, oh his eye looks swollen or - her hair looks pulled a bit tight, is she OK ? Or - if they even have a minor illness, she has to get really involved and push me to get more and more tests done, even though I'm comfortable in whatever the doctors have told me. She just has to be overly involved in everything and she stresses me out and ruins my mood when I send a nice pic, as she can't say anything nice and always knit picks.

Anyway I know how it sounds. How can I be irritated by someone loving my kids too much ? I sound like an absolute idiot. But they're my kids. I'm afraid my in laws want to gain lots of ground with my kids and will try to bring them up their way and be a huge influence on them. I believe kids should be raised by their parents and I don't want them to be raised to be carbon copies of their other kids. I want to have a big role to play ( the main role ) in how my kids will be raised. But I feel these constant demands for their time and having to be so involved in their lives is going to mean that they'll influence them massively. I don't think it's wrong for them to have a role in their lives, but I don't want to be on the sidelines of their lives, because my in laws ads second parents to them.

They can see them once every couple of weeks and I shouldn't need to be made to feel bad for them ' missing them so much ' after just a week. It's OTT. Anyway, I know I'll get my arse handed to me. But perhaps someone has something helpful to say ?

I feel like a tyrant if I ever say that we can't see them. I just can't say no. I've tried a few times and get theatrics. My in laws don't respect any of the boundaries I've ever tried to set. They're constantly wanting to take my kids to their house and away from me. They'll come round unannounced and tell me that they're taking my daughter to their house. Daughter gets excited because they set no boundaries for her there at all and she does what she wants there ( another problem ). And I just have to go along with it.

Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully. It's very difficult ! So she's managed to get me to a place where I hold my tongue as much as I can, to avoid a big fight and being called names by her. It's very difficult and feels suffocating.

I'm feeling extra territorial as I've just had a baby, so maybe that's what's prompted these feelings to become stronger.

I just feel like I should be the only one to love my kids this much and to show this amount of concern for them ? My parents are totally different. Whilst they love all their grandchildren a lot, I don't feel it's as excessive and overbearing.

Have you actually read the thread?

Screaming at OP, constant nitpicking, trying to take her DD away on a whim without prior approval. Do you really think these are the normal behaviours of a kind and loving person?

You're lucky you've never had to deal with personality disordered individuals.

OP - if you're not going to take the advise of PP and stand up to them - then there is no point moaning about it.

Just accept that is how your life will be and make peace with it.

So, if put succinctly, you dislike the inlaws and it wouldn't matter what they did, they'd be in the wrong?

I've no doubt that they may have been ott at times, but the majority of your objections come down to your insecurities. If you felt a good enough mother, you wouldn't feel threatened in this way that extended family also wish to spend time with your children. Maybe focus on why you feel this way and work through that?

My child so benefits from being with extended family, as do yours no doubt.

You quite clearly have anxieties etc that need pulling into check as your attitude is not normal imo to resent this contact how you do.

As for the medical questions she asked, they're all very reasonable questions imo and if you hadn't asked them, that's more of a reflection in you than them, if that's why you feel threatened.

This doesn't need to be a competition. You are the mother and should feel secure in this role. Why are you creating this competition? Embrace what they offer. Have boundaries such as you'll confirm if available on x date etc. Don't start an unnecessary war due to your insecurities.

If they do dislike you, I imagine that's due to how you come across and the role you've played in this.

I suggest you go over to the Relationships board (or get this one moved there) and also look at the Stately Homes thread. There is recommended reading there about this type of family dynamic.

If you don't stop them now it will only escalate. Your In laws that will not stop with this behaviour until they 'break' you and you give in.

They don't 'love the kids too much' they are trying to control you and as you have realised, trying to transfer your children's primary affections and loyalties to them and create more mini-me's in the grandchildren.

The only way to deal with it is to take the risk of "all hell breaking loose" and step back as previous posters have advised, leaving the family What's app group and stop sending any information. Refuse to deal with them or to allow them to simply take your kids without asking (seriously - who does that?). Leave all contact to your husband and support him in standing up for himself - he will need after years of being bullied and doing what he's told for the sake of an easy life.

You can’t have it every way.

you either need strict boundaries and to deal with the initial fallout.

or you continue as you are and have an unhappy life to appease a bullying domineering manipulative MIL.

mute the WhatsApp group if you can’t leave it.

tell the DH that it’s his job to stand up to his Mother.

change the locks and get into the habit of locking the doors so folks can’t come in unannounced.

stop answering the door and state you were busy. Or take the kids out the minute you see them on the doorstep and tell them next time to let you know they are coming as you’ve got plans. You don’t need to tell them the plans.

if folks drop on your daughter without your prior agreement that they will take her out etc - tell them it’s a pity they didn’t arrange it with you in advance before upsetting your daughter but that you have plans or ‘that doesn’t work for me’.

so what if they hate you? These people are never going to be your best friends. They are never going to be the family you want. So establish the bloody boundaries you want and control how much impact and access they have to your family.

push back on everything. They’ll learn or you will have to go low/no contact.

honestly I’d be doing low contact for now.

your DH needs to support you and be active in this.

The situation you're describing matches my own experience with my in laws and (unfortunately) also with my own mum.
Just like some other posters, I've never had a big confrontation with them. That would only end in tears/screaming/hysterics.
Instead, I've adapted my responses to them. I've left all contact with the in laws to my husband. And - just like some other posters - this has resulted in them getting virtually no photos/videos etc. He cannot even remember their birthdays or mothers/fathers' day (things that I used to remember on his behalf before). So they are much worse off than before. Too bad.
Calls with my own mum I limit to once a week. She also had a phase in which she wanted immediate updating after each doctor's visit/school report/birthday party etc. but I won't do that any more. The good thing is that my kids are by now very clued in to her manipulative behaviour. If she tries to do the fake crying with them ("oh, I miss you so much, I wish your mummy would live closer"), they just ignore her or pass the phone around.
We live 1000s of kilometers apart from them which of course makes unannounced visits a lot harder. When they come, it is immediately for days at a time though and it is often very tough.

I understand. Thank goodness that mine were little before videos were everyday. It sometimes seemed that every bite they ate was a need for discussion, and everything they wore supplied by my dm. And their school reports, everything, it was relentless.
I know it was love, but it was hard at the time, and harder when it was withdrawn. It stopped when they were very uncute teens.

You’ve already established that she doesn’t like you. That’s not going to change, is it? What’s the worst that could happen? She STILL doesn’t like you. Why are you even entertaining the opinions of her and her minions? Stop reacting (especially with fear) and they may eventually respect you. Whose kids are they?

The situation you're describing matches my own experience with my in laws and (unfortunately) also with my own mum.

Me to - and on MN this mean I'm the issue - but it think I married into a similar dynamic/pattern - which TBH I think my parents did as well.

Actually within the family we tend to get on best with IL possible because we have put in boundaries - and I have a less combative relationship than siblings often have with our parents.

@feelingwelljell i too say LET HELL BREAK LOOSE!

if they all rush to defend her, and you have left the WhatsApp group, let them crack on!

If they Do and say what you say they are going to do, it’s the same old shit but different voices.

the reason they are holding you hostage in their drama is because you’re allowing it

follow the advice here to free yourself and let the chips fall where they may

the pp who said that the kids will start to talk to you the way the in-laws do is right. That’s exactly how these dynamics turn out.

trust your instincts and follow through, distance yourself

the worse they are, the more you back off.

The only response has got to be a united one, where you and your DH set the ground rules and put clear boundaries in place that they must stick to. Your DH has to make it clear this comes from you both and that he will not tolerate any negative feedback that focusses on you.

for example I would just say, life has got busier and from now on, no unannounced visits and they can visit every other Friday (or whatever fits with your family/routine) offering some degree of flexibility on days and times.

As for the endless comments and interfering, you really need to develop a thick skin and ignore. Smile and say thanks, or when being asked questions (eg about drs advice) just ignore. Blank, blank and blank again. If you and your DH think this will cause them to “go nuclear”… then ask him to think about why and if that’s a healthy thing and remind him he is not a child and doesn’t have to tolerate it.

When I finally started putting my foot down and saying 'no' (in my bloomin mid forties) I was really surprised by the response. More respect, clear boundaries make for happier relationships.

Your Inlaws seem over bearing. May be you should have worded your post better. Doesn't seem like you have a problem with their love, you have a problem with their need to control every aspect of your children's life. I have had similar inlaws (who the heck tells a new mum in the first few days that you want the baby to sleep with them or want to keep the baby?!!! that is the time for mother and baby to bond, not with the grand parents you muppets! comments like these made my PNA worse) And they don't want to act as grand parents, they want to be in-lieu of parents.

I had taking the baby with out my permission as well. I had to lay my foot down with my husband on that and told him to make it clear to his family that whilst I don't have a problem with them taking her, they need to ask me first and tell me where they are taking her. And drilled in my daughter that she shouldn't go out with anyone with out asking me first...even if it her grand parents. Ditto for taking naything to eat from others (they would feed her sweets all day if they could so had to do that ). So completely understand you.

Luckily mine live far far away and we see them every few months. But my BIL lives closer and wanted to take the baby there every week. What my SIL did was got them very very busy. She booked in lots of activities over the week and weekends. So there is simply no time to go. She takes her child when she needs a break and lets them break whatever rules they have but then enforces the rules in her own home and only meets on her own terms.

And for the pictures, I simply slowed them down when mine started nursery saying 'oh she is too tired after nursery and we didn't get a chance to take pics'. And when she got older then it was 'she doesn't like me to share her pictures' You can gently wean your children off them.

And what's the worse would happen if you put your foot down? You keep saying that all hell will break loose. So what? They are gonna scream and shout? They will be the one looking like lunatics And if they cut contact? then thats a win win.

OP you are being bullied.

If all hell breaks loose - you won't get to see it as you will have left the group, so who cares?

You need to stand up for yourself, and that means ILS will be pissed off. The sooner you accept this and just do it,, the better.

Why are you so afraid of upsetting them? It's like you think their needs are more important than yours.

Your choices are to carry on being upset yourself as they ride roughshod over you, or they are upset because you stop the bullying.

I would go VLC with them and get my bloody life back.

Honestly, I would leave it all to your husband.

He is in charge of all photos and videos (and the resulting nitpicking) from now on.

Mute your MIL and check messages from her and reply once a week (if you archive her too, she won't be there in your home screen on WhatsApp too, and you'll have to actively click through to archived conversatons to find her).

When you DO check your messges ONCE A WEEK from her, don't engage in an argument with her - just be really nice "Oh Mary, it's lovely to hear from you - we've been so busy this week. Did you get the verruca treatment for Jim that you were looking for? I read a thing about using vinegar - I'll send that to you now." Then mute again after 30 minutes til next week.

Absolutely no more answering the door to unexpected visits from them and definitely no whisking your child away unplanned - that HAS to stop. Simply don't allow her to leave with them. YOU HAVE PLANS. Can you get privacy film for your front window? You can get really nice stuff. We have some that looks like stained glass so the house opposite on our very narrow street doesn't see me wandering around naked! :)

If you want, you can say "Hey, I'm suffering from some anxiety right now, and I'm super tired with the baby, so I'm muting/exiting a lot of stuff on WhatsApp and Facebook because it can be very full on (you don't have to be specific). I'm not being rude to you at all - I just won't be seeing or replying to any messages or calls now for a while. DH is always there for you though, so you'll still be in the loop!"

If they're calling you a bitch or whatever in a group chat or to other family members, it simply doesn't matter because you're literally not there to see it. If they can't speak directly to you, they can't be mean to you.

Your DH might need some support handling them (would he consider therapy to help him learn about healthy boundaries?) but you absolutely don't need to be standing in between him and them any more.

And it's not love. It's bullying and control. They're using your kids to bully you.

Agree. The use of the word 'love' is wrong as there is none. It is bullying

@worriedparent12, I agree with your safeguarding concerns.

The whole family think a child can just be taken anytime they want?

They are freaks.

The OP remains on a WhatsApp group to read criticisms?

Why do that?
The normal response is to withdraw from the group.

It is posts like this that really shows you how abuse of children happens so easily.

If your parents are so afraid of standing up to people and would allow them access to you, then it really is so easy for abusive people to prey on certain vulnerable children.

Having boundaries keeps children safer.

The idea of anyone just turning up and telling you they are taking your child while you stand passively by is unbelievably.

OP they have no respect for you, because you have no respect for yourself.

They like treating you and your children like this, just to see exactly how much of their bullshit they will take.

The saddest thing in all of this is that you actually believe this is out of love?🙄

Love is absolutely nothing to do with how they behave.

It is about control.

Your children deserve so much better from both you and your husband.

They do not needd grandparents like this in their lives.

They're batshit. This isn't about loving the children. It's about controlling and crushing you OP.
You need to fight back. Stop tying yourself in knots about what they think about you.

“Any time I've ever stood up for myself and said no, my mother in law shouts, screams and cries and calls me a bad person and a bully.”

She sounds deranged. This is not normal behaviour of a balanced adult, is it?
Stand your ground, they’re your children, you set the rules. And make sure your DH backs you 100%.

Not to the extent the OP describes!
They sound like a total pain in the arse!

Yep, those are some of my favourite books!

Have you ever told her to stop embarrassing herself when she’s screaming and yelling? Let her do it. Let her know you’re embarrassed for her and that you don’t want your kids to hang around with someone so obviously unstable.

Hurrah! Hobb is the absolute best 😍
Appropriately to the thread, I find her understanding of the dynamics of family dysfunction, disordered personalities & domestic/familial abuse is amazing ...

If you've read the full series ...? - you'll 'get' my username too 😎
Good to 'meet' you - derail over!