To think I have to drop out now

[Elhona]

I regularly play a card game with a group of friends aged 25-55. I’ve known one person for years, they invited me to play and that’s how I met the others. We’ve played on and off for a couple of years as permitted by Covid. It’s a lifeline for me because I’m usually stuck at home with my kids and never get out.

One person has approached the organiser (whose house we play at) to ask if their 16yo cousin could play with us. Organiser has said yes. I’m really upset. This is my only time away from the kids and I don’t want to hang out with another kid. We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

I pointed this out and the person said it’s fine, I’ve told his mum we’re a bit rude sometimes and we drink, and she’s fine with it. Well she might be fine with it but I don’t feel comfortable at all! I feel like I can’t relax any more, I have to watch what I say because there’s a child present. Also very upset that the rest of us weren’t asked if we felt comfortable with a child joining in, we were just told that’s what was happening. Nobody else has said they feel uncomfortable.

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I? Gutted.. 😩

You need to at least try it and see how it goes. If you rely on this so heavily, it seems extreme to want to give it up on what seems like fairly flimsy grounds.

Might not be a bad idea to investigate other social outlets though. Your reaction does suggest you’re over-reliant on this one activity.

I’m over reliant on this one activity because I only get one night off from the kids every fortnight. I can’t afford a babysitter to enable me to take any more nights off. So if I wanted to do another activity on my night off I’d have to give up this activity.

What's the card game by any chance ?

Try it and see how you get on.

I wouldn't play Texas Hold'm for money with a 16yo. As you say, it's inappropriate. But if you're playing bridge or even crib that's different. Some teenagers behave like adults, and some teenagers behave like 5yos.

Oh have a word with yourself. They're 16 not 6 🙄

I hear you - it’s tedious a kid is joining and it will change the dynamic. However they may come for three sessions then decide it’s not for them. Don’t relinquish your space so quickly.

Try it and see how it goes. I suspect that the teenager will get very bored before long and drop out.

Would you feel significantly different if they were just 18?

We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol.

I’d be fairly confident that every 16 year old has been around adults who swear, drink booze and sometimes make comments you wouldn’t hear over tea with the Queen. Unless your hang out is so lewd you ought to be legitimately embarrassed I think you’ll relax quicker than you imagine.

Sorry but you're being dramatic here. It may be a life line to you but it's not healthy being so dependent on this one activity. As no one else has an issue, you have to accept it or leave.

I would feel the same if I only had one night to myself a fortnight. A 16 year old knows absolutely nothing about life but will understandably join in all the conversation so the dynamic will be totally different. Unless you just do idle small talk about Gogglebox... otherwise you'll get a 16 year olds opinion on every subject.

While a 16 year old is a child from a legal perspective, socially they aren’t anything like a child you need a babysitter for. They are old enough to work and have sex. They’re probably familiar with alcohol and will be quite used to swearing and rude talk. So comparing having them around to every other night of the week when you have your own children with you is absurd. They may make a few mistakes as they adjust to people a few years older than them, but you don’t have to change your behaviour for a 16 year old.

You’re being pretty entitled to criticize the host for this when you haven’t even given it a go.

Ah, so you're offering to babysit for free are you, how kind!

if not wind your neck in. The OP isn't asking for a critique 9f her life!

I'd be upset if it was just some random adult being added in without a group discussion, let alone a teenager. Someone's cousin!

That said, keep going, and see what happens.

Depends if it’s mixed sex or not. If it’s only other women playing I’d not be comfortable with a 16 year old joining in with this. That’s a man not a child really, and even if it were a child it would still be weird in a diffeeent way.

If it’s mixed sex then it’s fine.

As others have said carry on for a few weeks and see how you feel then, they might only go once.

Yanbu. I’d hate that. A young teenager in the group would change the dynamic.

I understand you OP, it's been an adults only evening until.now alongside the hobby which you've enjoyed on your only child free night. We can quibble about how worldly a 16 year old is but they're still a kid. You might not need to sanitise your behaviour as much as around a 7 year old but I wouldn't be comfortable talking freely in front of them or feel it appropriate (about sex, lovelife, even work troubles tbh).

That said, don't act hastily if this activity is important to you. give it a go for a few weeks, don't drop the activity straight off. You might find that they get bored soon, or that you don't mind a slight change in conversation if they're a mature 16. If theyre a young, talkative 16 who dominates the chat then I can't say I would be sticking around if it was my only free evening but see how it goes.

I think you’re being premature. Don’t burn your boats yet, go along, and you might find the 16yo gets bored and drops out, or is not a good fit.

It's not ideal but I do think you'll either find you end up enjoying the 16yo's company more than you thought OR the 16yo will get bored of the mature chat and not come back.

Definitely go a couple times and see how it pans out before you give it up.

Of course you don’t have to drop out. Continue going and behaving as you always would. I’d put money on the 16 yr old dropping out after a few weeks.

YANBU. PP above is of course correct that a 16 yr old is very likely to know plenty about sex and alcohol. But that's around their peers!
There's plenty I'd say freely amongst close adult friends that I wouldn't be comfortable saying around someone that young.
And I don't really go around having luridly graphic conversations.

Give it a go, carry on as you are. You don't need to moderate your language or behaviour. You aren't babysitting.

If you play for money then just make sure you've clarified who is standing for thr 16 year old.