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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have to drop out now

197 replies

Elhona · 16/05/2022 00:39

I regularly play a card game with a group of friends aged 25-55. I’ve known one person for years, they invited me to play and that’s how I met the others. We’ve played on and off for a couple of years as permitted by Covid. It’s a lifeline for me because I’m usually stuck at home with my kids and never get out.

One person has approached the organiser (whose house we play at) to ask if their 16yo cousin could play with us. Organiser has said yes. I’m really upset. This is my only time away from the kids and I don’t want to hang out with another kid. We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

I pointed this out and the person said it’s fine, I’ve told his mum we’re a bit rude sometimes and we drink, and she’s fine with it. Well she might be fine with it but I don’t feel comfortable at all! I feel like I can’t relax any more, I have to watch what I say because there’s a child present. Also very upset that the rest of us weren’t asked if we felt comfortable with a child joining in, we were just told that’s what was happening. Nobody else has said they feel uncomfortable.

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I? Gutted.. 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
Elhona · 16/05/2022 08:12

Riverlee · 16/05/2022 08:07

Why don’t you give it a go, you may actually like the 16 year old.

I’m sure he’s lovely. The issue is he’s a child.

OP posts:
Ellmau · 16/05/2022 08:15

Whilst this is true, the 16 year old's parent has decided to bring them, knowing what the group is usually like

The mum doesn't come, it's the 16 yo's cousin per OP, so what the mum knows is second hand.

FabFitFifties · 16/05/2022 08:15

I work with children too OP, and I totally understand how you feel. However, I would expect him to drop out, and have better things to do with his time. I would accept feeling inhibited for a few sessions, to keep my place, and hope he gets bored.

Original poster
Elhona · 16/05/2022 08:26

Apparently he’s very keen and excited. He sometimes plays when he visits his uncle but has nobody to play with at home, so he’s thrilled to play with us and therefore unlikely to drop out. I feel really mean but I don’t want to spend my one and only night off with a child.

OP posts:
notagamer · 16/05/2022 08:28

Elhona · 16/05/2022 08:26

Apparently he’s very keen and excited. He sometimes plays when he visits his uncle but has nobody to play with at home, so he’s thrilled to play with us and therefore unlikely to drop out. I feel really mean but I don’t want to spend my one and only night off with a child.

Give it ONE go

at the moment no one else complaining becuae they are just going to see how first session goes

so you may all be on board

Wouldyabeguilty · 16/05/2022 08:43

Ohhh drop out then. You are being ridiculous and over dramatic. Nobody else seems to have a problem with it. It's a GAME not an Ann Summers party.

notagamer · 16/05/2022 08:45

We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations.

he is 16!!!!!

Oblomov22 · 16/05/2022 08:45

This would hack me off too. I'd have to say "I thought it was adult only. I'd prefer it if it stayed that way".

WoodstockJ · 16/05/2022 08:45

I would just carry on as normal and not change my behaviour. I have an almost 16 year old son and there is no way he would want to spend his evening with a group of adults. The boy may well not enjoy it and leave you all to get on with it.
As others have said, there isn’t much that a 16 year old won’t have heard already!

redskyatnight · 16/05/2022 08:46

Elhona · 16/05/2022 08:26

Apparently he’s very keen and excited. He sometimes plays when he visits his uncle but has nobody to play with at home, so he’s thrilled to play with us and therefore unlikely to drop out. I feel really mean but I don’t want to spend my one and only night off with a child.

Suggest to him another group with more people of a similar age? Sure he'd prefer that anyway. Our local board games cafe has several sessions that run for different groups of people.

notagamer · 16/05/2022 08:46

As an aside

a card playing group that makes “occasional sexual comments” sounds like a pretty bloody awful evening to me!

BackflandedCondiment · 16/05/2022 08:47

The reality is, you like it or lump it.

So you might as well try it for a couple of nightds and see. If you don't like it and the kid looks like their staying, then move on.

BackflandedCondiment · 16/05/2022 08:47

they're staying.

oh, the shame! Grin

RainCoffeeBook · 16/05/2022 08:53

You sound like you really struggle with things far beyond this game. Other people don't have to keep everything the same just so you don't get upset.

MzHz · 16/05/2022 08:55

Jobsharenightmare · 16/05/2022 01:27

I would feel the same if I only had one night to myself a fortnight. A 16 year old knows absolutely nothing about life but will understandably join in all the conversation so the dynamic will be totally different. Unless you just do idle small talk about Gogglebox... otherwise you'll get a 16 year olds opinion on every subject.

This would be my fear too

i LOATHE those who insist on involving kids in everything

I know someone who thinks it ‘cute’ to bring her dc to things. I’ve done my bit and tried to point out that most parents do voluntary stuff to spend time with adults, away from kids etc. not sure she’s taken it on board, but I learned my lesson and now only meet up with her at night because I don’t want to spend any time at all in mum mode to someone else’s kid. especially when the kid won’t leave you alone for a second, listens and interjects to everything

PosyBear · 16/05/2022 08:56

Elhona · 16/05/2022 08:26

Apparently he’s very keen and excited. He sometimes plays when he visits his uncle but has nobody to play with at home, so he’s thrilled to play with us and therefore unlikely to drop out. I feel really mean but I don’t want to spend my one and only night off with a child.

Neither would I!
Awful idea. It'll totally ruin a well established, comfortable, adult vibe.

5foot5 · 16/05/2022 09:06

Yes do at least stick it for a while. Some 16 year old can be good company. I used to do an activity where some people that young took part and some of them could be good company. Admittedly this wasn't a sweary gathering and no alcohol was involved

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2022 09:07

Elhona · 16/05/2022 08:26

Apparently he’s very keen and excited. He sometimes plays when he visits his uncle but has nobody to play with at home, so he’s thrilled to play with us and therefore unlikely to drop out. I feel really mean but I don’t want to spend my one and only night off with a child.

The only person you’re being ‘mean’ to is yourself. It’s your prerogative. But I think if you don’t go once with the teen in the mix, you won’t know if it changes your enjoyment. And honestly, he’ll be 18 in no time.

I dunno. You love the game, he loves the game. It’s a structured activity so it’s not like you’re sharing your personal life whilst Kevin the Teenager makes mockery of you. Give it a try.

hellrabbitishere · 16/05/2022 09:10

no i agree id be more than a bit naffed off with it as well, having an excited 16 year old present at whats an adults gathering does not sound great really , personally id be dropping it ,but before i did though id be letting my feelings be known to the organiser , i often wonder if people have any common left anymore as surely she should have just said sorry but no hes too young

nex18 · 16/05/2022 09:11

I understand completely where you’re coming from. I like my own children much more than anyone else’s so wouldn’t be keen on spending my night off with another child. However I have a 16 year old ds who would absolutely hate to spend any time with anyone else’s parent even more than that! Give it a whirl, see how it goes, either he’ll drop out, you will know that dropping out is the right decision for you or just perhaps it will actually work out ok.

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/05/2022 09:14

I warned my teen about the swearing in a TV programme, the look of scorn as they told me 'it's worse at school' made me feel ancient.

I'd not worry about it till they have been for a couple of weeks. I can have a very pleasant evening with my 17 year old neice.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/05/2022 09:18

I've seen and read countless posts on MN about how friends agree to meet up and they haven't seen each other in such a long time and then at the last minute, one of the friends decides to bring along her son/daughter to the meet up.

The dynamic of the meet up changes, whether people agree or not, it does.

This is what is happening in this situation.

I'd contact the organiser one more time @Elhona and say that if the 16 year old is going to be allowed to come to the card game, then everyone at the table has to be allowed to vote on it, not just the organiser giving a blanket "Yes he can come" message. Alternatively, the organiser can arrange a youth session on a different day at a different time - same game just people around the age of 16 yr old who wants to join your session.

LakieLady · 16/05/2022 09:19

I'd carry on for a while, it may not be as bad as you think and the 16YO may well drop out after a few weeks.

girlmom21 · 16/05/2022 09:19

@WeCouldBeSpearows I meant month and don't know why I typed year Grin

MyrrAgain · 16/05/2022 09:19

This kid might not even stick it out. They'll be off out with their mates or maybe uni pretty soon.