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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I have to drop out now

197 replies

Elhona · 16/05/2022 00:39

I regularly play a card game with a group of friends aged 25-55. I’ve known one person for years, they invited me to play and that’s how I met the others. We’ve played on and off for a couple of years as permitted by Covid. It’s a lifeline for me because I’m usually stuck at home with my kids and never get out.

One person has approached the organiser (whose house we play at) to ask if their 16yo cousin could play with us. Organiser has said yes. I’m really upset. This is my only time away from the kids and I don’t want to hang out with another kid. We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

I pointed this out and the person said it’s fine, I’ve told his mum we’re a bit rude sometimes and we drink, and she’s fine with it. Well she might be fine with it but I don’t feel comfortable at all! I feel like I can’t relax any more, I have to watch what I say because there’s a child present. Also very upset that the rest of us weren’t asked if we felt comfortable with a child joining in, we were just told that’s what was happening. Nobody else has said they feel uncomfortable.

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I? Gutted.. 😩

OP posts:
WeCouldBeSpearows · 16/05/2022 07:00

Not in the England and Wales anymore. It was raised to 18 for everyone last year

It changed less than a month ago, it was first discussed last year.

As far as the ops issue goes, just go, see how it is. It might be fine, it might not, but until you actually go, you won't know for certain. But I totally understand why you are unsure about it.

Having said that - you only knew one person when you joined. I would hope you would be as welcoming to the new person as hopefully they all were to you, even though you have your doubts about it. Maybe someone was a bit apprehensive When you joined.

They might surprise you. Or they might not stay. What I personally wouldn't do, is stop going because you don't like the idea of what it might be. The only person that loses out by doing that, is you.

RhubarbFairy · 16/05/2022 07:01

I see your point about not feeling comfortable OP. I also play cards weekly with ages that range from early twenties to early fifties and sometimes the chat gets a bit colourful.

But I wouldn't just give it up based on this one invitation. You may find that he comes for one week and decides that he doesn't want to return. It can be intimidating to join an established group.

If you're set on quitting and it's poker, look at the Redtooth league. You pay for points not money, and they're held in pubs, so adults only.

But I do think you should just wait and see about the dynamic first.

RhubarbFairy · 16/05/2022 07:01

PLAY for points not pay.

crossstitchingnana · 16/05/2022 07:04

I am with you OP. I have a group member who always brings her tweenie with her. Afternoon tea, games night, days out in London. What makes it worse is they're mardy and hard to talk to.

givethatWolfAbanana · 16/05/2022 07:04

But a 16 yo old is not a child but a young adult

i drink and swear and talk about “inappropriate” stuff in front of my 16yr old son/nephews/nieces

and also: things change

you sound very stressed out, and it must be tough to be solely responsible for your kids, but could you maybe host something at your home if you can never go out?

try to relax a bit

JustDanceAddict · 16/05/2022 07:05

I can’t see a 16 year old being that excited about a card game with adults, so they may drop out too. Why don’t you see how it goes first?
And as others have said, a 16 year old can be quite mature so it may not be as bad as you think.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 16/05/2022 07:08

I think you are being a little premature. See how it goes before you give up. Some 16yos will be annoying children, whilst others are good company. It will soon become apparent whether this is a good fit or not.

Walkingalot · 16/05/2022 07:08

I'd be worried that it would change the dynamic but don't drop out just yet. See how it goes. They may only go to a couple of sessions and you'd have given up something you really enjoy for nothing.

underneaththeash · 16/05/2022 07:10

I'd be the same, I have a 16 year old and I wouldn't want him coming out with me socially with my friends, it would completely change the dynamic of things.

KatherineofGaunt · 16/05/2022 07:24

I think try it for a few sessions and see how it is. But YANBU. For all the world 16-year-olds are "grown up" enough to hear swearing or see drinking, I wouldn't feel as comfortable as in a group of people I considered friends. Just inviting anyone else, let alone a teenager, to a small group without discussion is a bit unfair on the attendees. Surely a chat about it first with everyone? It could change the dynamics of the group, as people have said. And as a teacher I'm hard-wired to "behave" in the presence of children, so would feel uncomfortable treating them as I would a friend. Others may feel the same.

@cookiemonster2468 The parent doesn't attend. It's an attendee's cousin. So the child's parent may well have not much idea about what it's like.

Original poster
Elhona · 16/05/2022 07:35

Yes the game is Magic the Gathering actually. It’s a mixed sex group. I wouldn’t have an issue with another adult joining and would be welcoming. My concern is purely because the new person is a 16yo child. I used to work with children that age and they are children. I required a DBS check to be allowed to work with them and there were all sorts of rules regarding acceptable behaviour. It’s impossible to switch that off and treat them as a peer. Because they’re not.

OP posts:
Phlewf · 16/05/2022 07:39

I’d give it a few weeks to see how it changes the dynamic. At 16 I was a fully fledged adult, I know people thought I was older and I behaved like an adult (swearing drinking and all). I wasn’t in a good place and I could definitely have done with a few more years as a young person but I made adult friends.
this may not be relevant at all, but for lifeline I think you need to take the chance. I wouldn’t be changing any aspect of your evening. The 16 y/o needs to roll with convos about fuel prices, pensions, ex-husbands, school runs and health scares (maybe you’re more exciting than me obvs, just top of my head subjects)

Tamzo85 · 16/05/2022 07:39

Elhona · 16/05/2022 07:35

Yes the game is Magic the Gathering actually. It’s a mixed sex group. I wouldn’t have an issue with another adult joining and would be welcoming. My concern is purely because the new person is a 16yo child. I used to work with children that age and they are children. I required a DBS check to be allowed to work with them and there were all sorts of rules regarding acceptable behaviour. It’s impossible to switch that off and treat them as a peer. Because they’re not.

Isn’t that a game that younger people often play? If so its not really that surprising. 16 and out of school is really an adult anyway.

grapewines · 16/05/2022 07:42

Bellagio40 · 16/05/2022 06:45

I completely understand, OP. I wouldn’t want a 16 year old joining in with my one child-free night that I spend with my friends.

Agree. The dynamic will likely change.

Ithinkwemightgetaholiday · 16/05/2022 07:49

It doesn't matter what a 16 Yr old can legally do, that's irrelevant. The dynamic of the group will be changed.
Don't drop out just yet though. Like others have said, they could get bored quickly. But I would totally get it if you left if they did continue going. Really annoying.

MiddleParking · 16/05/2022 07:49

Well I think it’s totally weird, I would hate to hang out socially with a 16 year old and I’m in my 20s. I wouldn’t drop out yet though, I’d stick at it to see what it actually does to the dynamic.

Phlewf · 16/05/2022 07:53

Forgot half my message, I no longer have the attention span of a 16 year old. I know I was mature enough to hang out with adults because they are still friends now, and some have even admitted they didn’t want a young person to join but it was fine once I did.

BUT if the dynamic changes it will be for everyone not just you so people will drift away and you may be able to maintain the friendships and the outlet.

MarvellousMay · 16/05/2022 07:56

I’d also give it a few weeks to see if the 16 yo stayed. They’ll probably lose interest after a couple of weeks. Otherwise I would leave too.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/05/2022 08:00

You're judging the situation and over/reacting before you've even met this person.

Give it a go. He might be get bored after half an hour and leave, or maybe you'll find he's actually good company and you enjoy having him around.

NeedToKnow101 · 16/05/2022 08:00

I'd feel the same. My conversation topics are different and levels of swearing much higher when I'm not around my 18 year old.

Sswhinesthebest · 16/05/2022 08:00

I’d be annoyed but I’d give it a go. I wouldn’t moderate your behaviour though. It’s not up to you to parent that child. Someone else has made the decision to let them join, knowing what it’s like. Carry on as usual.

Crossfitwidow · 16/05/2022 08:03

Stage a mutiny. Step up your own rival Magic the Gathering club…same day..time…over 18’s only..fuck it, make it 30 and over, it’s your club.

Riverlee · 16/05/2022 08:07

Why don’t you give it a go, you may actually like the 16 year old.

jackstini · 16/05/2022 08:08

I can understand why you are frustrated as it's a change you don't want

However, at least give it a go for a few weeks and see how things pan out. Don't drop out yet. Others might say something if it's not working as well too

rookiemere · 16/05/2022 08:12

I wouldn't be too thrilled about it either, but I do think it would be a shame for you to leave something you enjoy.
I'd give it a go, but if it does alter the tone of the gathering you should be able to say something to the organiser.