To think I have to drop out now

[Elhona]

I regularly play a card game with a group of friends aged 25-55. I’ve known one person for years, they invited me to play and that’s how I met the others. We’ve played on and off for a couple of years as permitted by Covid. It’s a lifeline for me because I’m usually stuck at home with my kids and never get out.

One person has approached the organiser (whose house we play at) to ask if their 16yo cousin could play with us. Organiser has said yes. I’m really upset. This is my only time away from the kids and I don’t want to hang out with another kid. We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

I pointed this out and the person said it’s fine, I’ve told his mum we’re a bit rude sometimes and we drink, and she’s fine with it. Well she might be fine with it but I don’t feel comfortable at all! I feel like I can’t relax any more, I have to watch what I say because there’s a child present. Also very upset that the rest of us weren’t asked if we felt comfortable with a child joining in, we were just told that’s what was happening. Nobody else has said they feel uncomfortable.

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I? Gutted.. 😩

Honestly OP, if it's one person hosting this event every single week at their house, which is quite a commitment for them, and they are happy with it, I think you need to suck it up a bit.

YABU to at least not give it a go. Dc at 16 could still be very much child like and immature but ime more of them are grown up and well able to participate in an adult environment.

I understand why you think it will change the dynamic. Of course it will but that doesn't mean you need to drop out. It's not about whether a 16-yr-old swears or not. It's a considerable difference in life experience. All the posters pretending it doesn't matter should have a look at the many threads where OPs complain because a friend brings an adult DC to a lunch or on holiday.

You're catastrophising a bit. Wait and see how it all plays out. The teen might be bored and give up. The other players might realise they don't want a teen there either.

Having the teen there will change the dynamic but it might not make it intolerable.

It really does change the dynamic having a 16 year old join a group like that. We've had this happen in a musical group I was in. She is related to one of the people who comes to our social group in the pub afterwards (different laws in the country I am in). Dynamic completely changed - suddenly everything centred around this 16 year old and what she's doing at school and all the rest.
Obviously that's one example. There could be plenty who fit in seamlessly with the group so it might not be that bad. However, the dynamic will change to some extent.

That said, even if another adult joined the group, they could also change the dynamic too and possibly not for the better!
I think you should mention it to the organizer again and say everyone should have been asked about this because the person is under 18 and do we want under 18s there. Then I'd just give it a try and see what happens but I wouldn't modify my own behaviour if the parent of the 16 year old has said it's fine for them to be there.

@Elhona
It's absolutely your prerogative. My only concern is that you maybe cutting your nose off to spite your face.
You enjoy it. I get the whole dbs ingrained thing, you have going on. But also think that if this is your only activity it would be rash to cancel it without at least giving it a try with the 16yo in attendance.
Out of curiosity, is the 16yo at school, college or working?

I think you should mention it to the organizer again and say everyone should have been asked about this because the person is under 18 and do we want under 18s there

That depends entirely on the nature of the group. If this is a casual, non paid for group then the person who set the group up and facilitates the event gets to set the rules. You can't join someone else's hobby group and then start policing who gets to join after you.

It's not the Labour party.

This with bells on

I was with my friends having a quiet evening the other night and then someone on the tv show we were watching made this weird upwards thrusting hand gesture. And that prompted one of my friends to tell us that they’d had the weirdest message with online dating the previous week - lovely man, all going well, arranging their first date and then he casually mentions that he’d like to be fisted!!!!!!!! Cue much hilarity and smutty jokes from us all when friend is telling us about this bizarre exchange.

And that’s the kind of thing which wouldn’t feel quite right in front of a 16yr old. There wouldn’t be the same kind of relaxed atmosphere where you can just chat naturally and joke around.

Its difficult isn’t it, the 16yr old clearly loves the game and joining a group would make sense. But the nuances haven’t really been considered. OP, maybe for the others they’re less bothered as they have more adult time to socialise elsewhere?? Obviously this is your one and only opportunity so it’s a lot more important to you to preserve the same vibe? Either way I’m sorry and I don’t blame you.

I would go once because then you can provide genuine feedback to say atmosphere was different, felt awkward and you can no longer participate. I also think your point about requiring a DBS check to work with 16yr olds is very pertinent and should be mentioned as it proves they’re not an adult.

The "kid" may join and then decide it's not for them anyway. Or they may fit in perfectly.

I see that the overprotective parents of teenagers are out in force, making sure that nobody ever stops their darling son or daughter doing whatever they want irrespective of how it affects other people.

The OP has been let down by the kid’s cousin and the organiser. The cousin should have had the sense to realise that not everyone would welcome a 16 year old joining an established group of adults. The cousin asked the organiser, who said yes, possibly from awkwardness. The cousin didn’t ask the rest of the group what they thought, perhaps because they weren’t confident that everyone would agree: the cousin had probably already said yes to the kid and didn’t want to have to row back.

The organiser should have asked the other members what they thought: that he or she hosts the group doesn’t mean that they get carte blanche to make decisions affecting everyone.

That nobody else, to the OP’s knowledge, has expressed any misgivings doesn't mean that the other members don’t have any misgivings. They might be glad that the OP has expressed what they are thinking, or they might not be as articulate as the OP, or they might be passive aggressive and be seething over it.

The OP is perfectly within her right to say that she feels uncomfortable with (1) the change in dynamic and (2) the fact that she and other group members weren’t consulted.

As for the posters saying, “well, it’s a kids’ game, you can’t object to playing with kids!” - seriously?

I suspect part of the problem here is that for OP the group is primarily about doing something with a group of people she knows. For other people the group will be solely or mostly about playing Magic. If you're a person who thinks the group is about playing Magic, then this is the non-issue. It only becomes a problem if you think of the group as more of a social thing.

@Iamthewombat
Well it is. We’re not talking about bridge or poker night here.

And he’s not really a kid. Anything you can say in front of a 25 year old man you can say in front of a 16 year old one.

Oh, so the OP should uncomplainingly welcome an influx of 12 year olds to the group, should she? It’s a kids’ game after all.

And he’s not really a kid.

Er, he is. Most 16 year olds are still at school and are noweher near being adults.

Anything you can say in front of a 25 year old man you can say in front of a 16 year old one.

In your view. Not everybody’s. It’s not about the language in the OP’s case, it’s about the dynamic. You can pretend that sixteen year olds are adults, and are on the same wavelength as actual adults, but they are not. I don’t have any teenagers in my close friendship group. Why? Because I’m an adult and I choose to spend my time with people on the same level as me. I’ve no interest in the topics teenagers are interested in, and vice versa I’m sure. The OP likes relaxing once a fortnight with a chosen group that she feels comfortable relaxing with. I can see exactly why she wouldn’t want to change that to accommodate a 16 year old kid, with everything that comes with it.

He's a schoolboy! Some of the participants of this card game group are 50. Even those who are 25 would find a 16 year old not on their wavelength and/or immature, because 16 is however you want to twist it not mature. People are just bending over backwards to be contrary.

But that's up to the person who is running the show. Anyone who feels like a group should be a particular way should set up their own or leave. The organiser doesn't owe you a friendship group built in a way to suit your own personality.

It is already a friendship group. The OP specifically tells us so. She was introduced by an old friend and has now played with this group for two years. The gaming group have become a set of friends for her.

Are you seriously suggesting that in a friendship group, one person ‘runs the show’ and anyone who doesn’t like it should just sod off and find new friends? No. That’s not how friendship works.

Surprised the 16 year old wants to join a group of people at least 10 but up to 30 years older then them tbh…

I’d give it a go and if the dynamic is totally destroyed, leave and find a new hobby.

I think the organizer was unreasonable not to discuss it with the rest of the group.

Are you seriously suggesting that in a friendship group, one person ‘runs the show’ and anyone who doesn’t like it should just sod off and find new friends?

In a hobby group, organised and facilitated by one particular person? Yes, they should sod off.

You sound nice.

@Iamthewombat

Right - and now another member of a group is introducing someone to it just as OP was introduced.