To think I have to drop out now

[Elhona]

I regularly play a card game with a group of friends aged 25-55. I’ve known one person for years, they invited me to play and that’s how I met the others. We’ve played on and off for a couple of years as permitted by Covid. It’s a lifeline for me because I’m usually stuck at home with my kids and never get out.

One person has approached the organiser (whose house we play at) to ask if their 16yo cousin could play with us. Organiser has said yes. I’m really upset. This is my only time away from the kids and I don’t want to hang out with another kid. We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

I pointed this out and the person said it’s fine, I’ve told his mum we’re a bit rude sometimes and we drink, and she’s fine with it. Well she might be fine with it but I don’t feel comfortable at all! I feel like I can’t relax any more, I have to watch what I say because there’s a child present. Also very upset that the rest of us weren’t asked if we felt comfortable with a child joining in, we were just told that’s what was happening. Nobody else has said they feel uncomfortable.

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I? Gutted.. 😩

The tiger mothers of teenagers are out in force, I see. Aren’t you the one who was claiming that 16 year olds are as mature as 25 year olds?

@milkyaqua

He’s 16, old enough to work with grown men, old enough to live by himself etc. He’s a grown man really, some his age have left school and work full time by that age.

People who go through life from high school, to uni all with same age friends might not think that way. But 16 is an adult really - he probably has just as much in common with some there as OP and there’s less age difference between him and others there.

Urgh kids/teens are allowed to infiltrate absolutely everything these days!

why can’t there be any adult only spaces/activity? There’s loads for kids/teens to do.

YANBU OP

I get you OP - when I was in my mid-twenties, one of the group I would hang around with was 16 (I only found out when he turned up in his uniform once!) - at the time, I didn't think twice, but now, as a 40-odd year old woman with tween kids I'm horrified - it was completely inappropriate for him to be going out with us (and I wonder what his parents were thinking letting him) - he was mature for his age, but still not 'of age' and so I really feel we should have known better.

That’s the whole point

they are 16

16 is just about the peak of teenage stroppiness.
it’s bad enough with your own kids, but having to deal with another one at an adult social event - no thanks

No. I've never said that. No least on account of it not being true. It's entirely superfluous to my point, in any case.

Anything you can say in front of a 25 year old man you can say in front of a 16 year old one.
A 25yo MAN is different from a 16yo CHILD. For example I could legally have sex with the 25yo man. But if I had sex with the 16yo child (who is still at school) I’d get arrested. It would be inappropriate for me to make sexual comments to the 16yo, and there’s a lot of sexual comments and jokes during the course of the evening.

And it isn’t a children’s game and isn’t aimed at children. It can actually work out quite expensive to play. I also play computer games which aren’t just for children and I spend quite a bit on that too. But in any case it’s not about the game itself - it’s about the adults socialising around it in a way that’s not appropriate to do in front of children.

Nice enough to know it's rude to join a group and start dictating terms.

I would just reply " I feel very strongly that the presence of a schoolboy is inappropriate and unwelcome in that setting, so if he plays I'm dropping out. "

If several people did that, the teen would be quietly uninvited.

What country are you in? I ask because the age of consent in the UK is 16 and it would be perfectly legal for you to have sex with a 16-year-old regardless of whether s/he was still in school, a 16-year-old is not considered a child in that manner.

Unless you are their:
mother
sister
school teacher
GP

You wouldn't get arrested. The age of consent is 16.

But 16 is an adult really

Really, it isn't. Can a 16 yo contribute to conversations about relationship issues, work problems, buying a house, cost of living, caring for elderly parents and so on? What exactly are the adults going to be talking to the 16 yo about?

Quite a contrast on this thread to the typical responses when people are posting about sometimes quite appalling teenage behaviour. 'But their brains don't fully mature until they're 25.'

The thing is, you aren't the only person there so aren't responsible for the 16 year old. I would let him join in for one week and decide after that.
My family are a huge MTG players and have played together for years. It is also difficult to find others who want to play, so the fact he is excited about being able to join in means he won't mess about

And it isn’t a children’s game and isn’t aimed at children

According to my Google just now it is aimed to age 13+ so very much a kids game

I would hate this too OP

The whole relaxed dynamic will absolutely change

I have a 16 year old and a 17 year old and while they are fun/mature etc I wouldn't necessarily choose to spend the down time I spend hanging out with my mates with my sons along for the ride

Grrr.

Paragraph fail there.

You have to admit it's an amusing paradox given how het up the OP is. It's like moaning about a child wanting to join in with pokemon.

At any rate it's moot - apparently this is being played at the same house every time so if the person who runs it is ok with it then that's that.

I experienced a similar situation and it does change the dynamic when someone brings newbies into the group. Even new adults can make you more cautious what you might say until you get to know them and weigh them up but minors are a different kettle of fish.
I hope your little escape has not been permanently ruined for you but with a bit of luck they will get bored of listening to adults talking about 'boring' adult stuff and be gone just as quickly. So it might be too soon to panic and jump ship just yet, see how it goes.

It's so funny on here.

"16 is an adult" -- except when it's about leaving teens alone in their homes or whatever. Then they're children and precious darlings, who must be wrapped in cotton wool.

I agree with PP. There should be adult spaces. This was one, which OP enjoyed. I completely understand why it's annoying.

That's completely untrue. A 16 year old is a child, not an adult, and you most certainly shouldn't say everything you would feel comfortable saying in front of a 25 year old, in front of a 16 year old.

I would feel the same as you OP, but you never know - it might be OK once you get used to it, so give it a try for a few weeks at least.

I would go OP then if it doesn't work you can message the organiser and let them know why, you could phrase it with "X might have felt uncomfortable when we had the earthy conversation about y or whatever "

I do get the impression that this teen is probably not one of the monopolising the conversation type, more likely to be a bit socially awkward.

It might be worth googling if any teen events exist locally for your game and then you could mention these to teen or perhaps organiser if they aren't a good fit when they are there.

There is probably more than you thinking this so I'd give it a go and then see how much the dynamic changes. I mean it's pretty on par with arranging a girly lunch and then folk turning up with toddlers.

If you were less focused on starting a scrap you’d have noticed that I was replying to an entirely different post. The post directly above mine, in fact. Are you 16?

To think I have to drop out now

I have a sneaking suspicion you won’t be missed