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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have to drop out now

197 replies

Elhona · 16/05/2022 00:39

I regularly play a card game with a group of friends aged 25-55. I’ve known one person for years, they invited me to play and that’s how I met the others. We’ve played on and off for a couple of years as permitted by Covid. It’s a lifeline for me because I’m usually stuck at home with my kids and never get out.

One person has approached the organiser (whose house we play at) to ask if their 16yo cousin could play with us. Organiser has said yes. I’m really upset. This is my only time away from the kids and I don’t want to hang out with another kid. We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

I pointed this out and the person said it’s fine, I’ve told his mum we’re a bit rude sometimes and we drink, and she’s fine with it. Well she might be fine with it but I don’t feel comfortable at all! I feel like I can’t relax any more, I have to watch what I say because there’s a child present. Also very upset that the rest of us weren’t asked if we felt comfortable with a child joining in, we were just told that’s what was happening. Nobody else has said they feel uncomfortable.

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I? Gutted.. 😩

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 16/05/2022 17:58

Elhona · 16/05/2022 00:39

I regularly play a card game with a group of friends aged 25-55. I’ve known one person for years, they invited me to play and that’s how I met the others. We’ve played on and off for a couple of years as permitted by Covid. It’s a lifeline for me because I’m usually stuck at home with my kids and never get out.

One person has approached the organiser (whose house we play at) to ask if their 16yo cousin could play with us. Organiser has said yes. I’m really upset. This is my only time away from the kids and I don’t want to hang out with another kid. We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

I pointed this out and the person said it’s fine, I’ve told his mum we’re a bit rude sometimes and we drink, and she’s fine with it. Well she might be fine with it but I don’t feel comfortable at all! I feel like I can’t relax any more, I have to watch what I say because there’s a child present. Also very upset that the rest of us weren’t asked if we felt comfortable with a child joining in, we were just told that’s what was happening. Nobody else has said they feel uncomfortable.

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I? Gutted.. 😩

Just read it's magic the gathering, most excellent, what decks you use, commander or standard ? Any tribal decks used or a mix depending on strategy etc ?

Bagadverts · 16/05/2022 18:08

Why not try it out and meanwhile look for other activities in case falls through?

quietnightmare · 16/05/2022 18:19

This 16 year old probably swears and drinks more than you do

LaurieFairyCake · 16/05/2022 18:49

Yuk, I wouldn't go anymore

Wouldn't be remotely fun or relaxing for me to talk to 'young people' all evening when I do that in my day job - I wouldn't drink or be relaxed around them (not least because social media is locked down and the idea of anyone filming me saying 'fuck' and posting it would get me fired)

Workawayxx · 16/05/2022 19:32

That does sound a bit shit for you. I think I’d give it a session or two and see how things pan out. Others in the group may feel the same as you and maybe a quiet word with the organiser could be arranged or the 16 year old may decide it’s not for them. If everybody else is happy then yanbu to leave and find something more suited. In that case I do think you should explain to the group why you are leaving as they may have others feeling similar but who haven’t spoken up. I wouldn’t want a 16 yr old in on an adult group either tbh.

PlantingTrees · 16/05/2022 19:38

I’d be so annoyed too. It’s not the same at all having a teenager around.

KatherineofGaunt · 16/05/2022 20:01

I'm amazed so many posters are saying that 16 is basically an adult and mature enough to join in with an adult group.

How many 16-year-olds will be with you lot, then, when you next go out or have a social evening somewhere with your mates? I wonder how many 16-year-olds you have in your friendship circle and see regularly at a social meet-up.

If they're young enough that I could be their teacher at school, they're too young to hang out socially with me and my friends. One-to-one, on holiday with family, for a day trip etc...fine. With my friends at a social meet-up with drinks in the evening? Not so much.

KindChick · 16/05/2022 20:21

For all you know, maybe it’s also a lifeline for the 16 year old.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/05/2022 20:46

notagamer · 16/05/2022 17:55

To think I have to drop out now

I have a sneaking suspicion you won’t be missed

@notagamer

what a lovely person you sound

milkyaqua · 17/05/2022 00:35

KindChick · 16/05/2022 20:21

For all you know, maybe it’s also a lifeline for the 16 year old.

Why don't you have them round for Christmas lunch then? Make that every weekend.

Vikinga · 17/05/2022 00:43

I have 2 older sexually active teens. I still wouldn't talk about rude stuff etc with them around. Yanbu op.

milkyaqua · 17/05/2022 00:48

I can imagine how the responses would have gone if this had been a thread about:

  • My friend had invited her grandmother's next-door-neighbour to my hen do in Majorca! She's 85 but loads of fun, she said.
  • My cousin has invited her husband to my all women's book group. He's a feminist and is dying to join in.
  • My mother has invited herself and her best friend to come on the holiday I booked for my family, which we have waited two years to have...
Apparently, you should welcome them to your event, and be charitable, etc.
Indigoo03 · 17/05/2022 02:33

Sounds interesting, are there local groups of MTG to join?

MissChanandlerBong80 · 17/05/2022 05:02

I know you say he’s keen but I’d be amazed if he sticks it out for long. 16yos aren’t known for their staying power and I think he’ll find it quite boring and uncomfortable being the only kid in the room. He may also pick up on the fact you don’t want him there. Just give it a month or so and see what happens.

UnsuitableHat · 17/05/2022 05:08

I wouldn’t like this either, so understand your feelings, but saying you now ‘have to’ drop out sounds a touch dramatic to me, especially as you make it clear how much you value this social activity. Give it a chance and see how it goes. And don’t feel under pressure to change your usual behaviour.

Tamzo85 · 17/05/2022 05:08

milkyaqua · 17/05/2022 00:48

I can imagine how the responses would have gone if this had been a thread about:

  • My friend had invited her grandmother's next-door-neighbour to my hen do in Majorca! She's 85 but loads of fun, she said.
  • My cousin has invited her husband to my all women's book group. He's a feminist and is dying to join in.
  • My mother has invited herself and her best friend to come on the holiday I booked for my family, which we have waited two years to have...
Apparently, you should welcome them to your event, and be charitable, etc.

@milkyaqua

All those examples are quite different as this is already mixed sex, a wife age range and the activity is actually a childrens game not specific to OP, age or gender.

Tamzo85 · 17/05/2022 05:09

Vikinga · 17/05/2022 00:43

I have 2 older sexually active teens. I still wouldn't talk about rude stuff etc with them around. Yanbu op.

@Vikinga

Different when it’s your own kids, this isn’t OP’s child.

LoveSpringDaffs · 17/05/2022 06:19

YABU to say you have to drop out now.

YABU to drop out in a huff before even giving it a go.

You sound less mature than the 16 yo.

The normal thing to do would be to go & see how it goes. But if you want to cut off your nose to spite your face, then crack on.

NoSquirrels · 17/05/2022 07:24

milkyaqua · 17/05/2022 00:48

I can imagine how the responses would have gone if this had been a thread about:

  • My friend had invited her grandmother's next-door-neighbour to my hen do in Majorca! She's 85 but loads of fun, she said.
  • My cousin has invited her husband to my all women's book group. He's a feminist and is dying to join in.
  • My mother has invited herself and her best friend to come on the holiday I booked for my family, which we have waited two years to have...
Apparently, you should welcome them to your event, and be charitable, etc.

Give over!

Anyone inviting someone (of any age) the bride-to-be doesn’t know to a hen do would be an idiot. Because it’s an event specific to the bride-to-be. Not a group card game.

Anyone inviting a man (of any age) to an all-women’s gathering would be an idiot. If it were an all-women card game you’d have a point. Alas…

Anyone inviting themselves AND a friend on a holiday someone else has booked is staggeringly rude and entitled. Because they’re not the organisers, and it’s a private trip (not a card game).

Unfortunately for the OP, this private card game doesn’t have any group rules agreed on age-restriction, is held at another person’s house so they’re not hosting it themselves, and welcomes new members by invite from another member of the group, it seems, as that’s how she got into it.

No matter how much a thread agrees (or not) that the 16-year-old will change the vibe, the OP’s choices are limited because they don’t control this group.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/05/2022 08:24

Vikinga · 17/05/2022 00:43

I have 2 older sexually active teens. I still wouldn't talk about rude stuff etc with them around. Yanbu op.

@Vikinga

not sure why not if you know they’re having sex

SleeplessInEngland · 17/05/2022 09:18

The age thing is a red herring - any new person who joined would alter the dynamic because the OP wouldn't know them, and boundaries would have to be re-established.

rookiemere · 17/05/2022 09:20

@SleeplessInEngland but OP has said upthread that she would welcome a new adult to the group, so it's very much about the new person being under 18.

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