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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have to drop out now

197 replies

Elhona · 16/05/2022 00:39

I regularly play a card game with a group of friends aged 25-55. I’ve known one person for years, they invited me to play and that’s how I met the others. We’ve played on and off for a couple of years as permitted by Covid. It’s a lifeline for me because I’m usually stuck at home with my kids and never get out.

One person has approached the organiser (whose house we play at) to ask if their 16yo cousin could play with us. Organiser has said yes. I’m really upset. This is my only time away from the kids and I don’t want to hang out with another kid. We use rude words and occasional sexual comments and adult conversations. Those who aren’t driving drink alcohol. I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

I pointed this out and the person said it’s fine, I’ve told his mum we’re a bit rude sometimes and we drink, and she’s fine with it. Well she might be fine with it but I don’t feel comfortable at all! I feel like I can’t relax any more, I have to watch what I say because there’s a child present. Also very upset that the rest of us weren’t asked if we felt comfortable with a child joining in, we were just told that’s what was happening. Nobody else has said they feel uncomfortable.

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I? Gutted.. 😩

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 16/05/2022 05:57

You've made a choice to not tolerate the company of another person you haven't met. It's allowed. Drop out if you want to but don't carry on that you have been pushed out.

autienotnaughty · 16/05/2022 06:01

I wouldn't stop going for this reason. I'd carry on as normal. 16 year old may get bored of attending quickly.

notagamer · 16/05/2022 06:04

Why on earth would you not at least go once with him there to see if it is actually ok

then make your decision

many could just see how the first one goes and THEN make you their mind

that is what I would do. Rather than flounce before even seeing what the reality is like

LollyLol · 16/05/2022 06:07

Keep going! Drink like a fish and swear like a trooper! The kid will cope with it. Theres a fair chance they've been watching porn since they were 11 on social media and can swear better than you anyway. Even if they are a geek who plays cribbage and bridge.

HollowTalk · 16/05/2022 06:28

worraliberty · 16/05/2022 01:07

Oh have a word with yourself. They're 16 not 6 🙄

Which is exactly why she doesn't want to spend the evening with them!

cookiemonster2468 · 16/05/2022 06:30

I think you are making some assumptions about what it will be like which might not be true.

A 16 year old isn't really a child, you don't have to change your behaviour for them. They can actually handle rude conversation and people drinking alcohol - they're unlikely to be that naive by 16 especially in today's society!

Go along and see how it is, try not to be so intolerant. The 16 year old might also really need a social activity just as much as you do. I do sort of get your reaction but I just think you need to get past it because it's not all about you.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 16/05/2022 06:32

I've got a 16 year old and she's great. But if I want an adult evening to have a laugh, complain about my life and discuss the details of my hysterectomy, I really don't want her around, let alone someone else's 16 year old. Give it one go, then stop if it's not going to work. There's no way id give up a precious evening out as a single parent at huge cost to have to make small talk about school.

cookiemonster2468 · 16/05/2022 06:33

Weatherwax13 · 16/05/2022 05:45

YANBU. PP above is of course correct that a 16 yr old is very likely to know plenty about sex and alcohol. But that's around their peers!
There's plenty I'd say freely amongst close adult friends that I wouldn't be comfortable saying around someone that young.
And I don't really go around having luridly graphic conversations.

Whilst this is true, the 16 year old's parent has decided to bring them, knowing what the group is usually like. So obviously thinks it is fine and that they can cope with their level of maturity.

It's up to the parent to monitor that, not OP and the rest of the group to change their behaviour.

Darbs76 · 16/05/2022 06:35

Well I’d see how it goes. Some 16yr olds are very mature and it might be fine. The 16yr old might decide it’s not for them after a couple of games.

hopeishere · 16/05/2022 06:35

Agree see how it goes and the decide. They might drop out first!

RuthW · 16/05/2022 06:35

They are 16. Not a child. They can get married. You are being unreasonable.

girlmom21 · 16/05/2022 06:37

A 16 year old apprentice is very different to an 18 year old in college.

I know you haven't given any ages but you might be surprised. I'd give it a go. Don't rush into anything.

girlmom21 · 16/05/2022 06:38

They are 16. Not a child. They can get married. You are being unreasonable.

Not in the England and Wales anymore. It was raised to 18 for everyone last year.

Bellagio40 · 16/05/2022 06:45

I completely understand, OP. I wouldn’t want a 16 year old joining in with my one child-free night that I spend with my friends.

RincewindsHat · 16/05/2022 06:45

If it's something like Magic The Gathering, just let the 16 year old come along and see how it goes. They may not enjoy playing with your group, you just don't know. Give it a go and review after a few sessions.

KatherineJaneway · 16/05/2022 06:45

I have to drop out of the group and find a new hobby don’t I?

No you don't. See how it goes. I can't imagine a 16 year old will stay part of this group for long.

Jemdaruna · 16/05/2022 06:47

I think you should go, not change your behaviour and see how it pans out. Your children sound young, a 16 year old is not. Why would you not swear etc? They probably hear far worse at school every day from other children. At least give it a few weeks.

Somuddled · 16/05/2022 06:48

I'd feel a bit miffed but I'd also give it a few months, so 4 or so sessions and see how it goes. Id try to remember that if a 16 year old is trying to join an adult group for a card game there might be something difficult going on for them. Most teens do not need thier adult cousin to find them a hobby, especially one with adults. So that alone would make me want to give the kid a try.

Any new member to a small group changes the dynamics. Your joining would have changed it for the existing members.

Jumpking · 16/05/2022 06:49

I love my kids, who are both around 16, but I wouldn't want to spend a precious night out with them. Nor their friends, who I adore.

They can cope with adult conversation, sure, but they bring all conversations to their level as their life experience is so limited, and they don't have much in the way of listening skills. Not their fault, it's their age.

I'm in the "give it a go OP" group, but I can understand your hesitation. I wouldn't want to hang out with a 16 yr old... And, let's face it, a 16 yr old who wants to hang out with adults strikes me as being hard work for his peers.

onlythreenow · 16/05/2022 06:50

I was working at the age of 16 and fully exposed to adult conversation - and wouldn't have appreciated being called a kid!

Just wait and see what happens before taking the dramatic step of leaving.

blueagain · 16/05/2022 06:51

I’m surprised that a 16 year old wants to join! I bet they only come a couple of times and then give up.

Beautiful3 · 16/05/2022 06:54

Think I'd go and try it. That person may drop out after one session anyway! If that person is annoying you could ask the organiser to put a minimum age of 18, on the game.

madasawethen · 16/05/2022 06:56

I can't imagine a 16 year old boy wanting to hang out and play cards with a group of older adults. He needs to be around people his own age.

Keep going. Hopefully he quickly gets bored of it.
Be sure to talk about heavy periods and sanitary pads a lot.

notagamer · 16/05/2022 06:59

madasawethen · 16/05/2022 06:56

I can't imagine a 16 year old boy wanting to hang out and play cards with a group of older adults. He needs to be around people his own age.

Keep going. Hopefully he quickly gets bored of it.
Be sure to talk about heavy periods and sanitary pads a lot.

Unless one that really loves the game, doesn’t have much of a social life with kids his own age and really looking forward to playing his interest with others without judgement

notagamer · 16/05/2022 07:00

Well he got that last point wrong with the op, didn’t he?

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