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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Judged for *Only having one child

187 replies

Sameasitwas · 15/05/2022 21:03

Was at the playground yesterday with Dd, almost 4, she was playing with all the kids and I got chatting to a mum with a younger girl and two teenage boys. Chatting away quite happily until she asked if I had anymore children and I said only Dd…her face changed and she looked almost shocked, like a bad smell was under her nose 😬She drifted away after that and went to talk to someone else.
I've never encountered that before, do people really judge people with only one child?
Not that it would have been any of her business, but I had Dd late due to infertility and years of waiting, we would have loved more…but even if we hadn’t, so what?! What’s the issue?

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 15/05/2022 21:04

Some people have very weird ideas about only children (not actually based in any sort of reality, of course).

museumum · 15/05/2022 21:06

Some people do. My ds is 9 now so I more often get sympathy than hostility but it doesn’t bother me. I’m happy with our situation now (though when he was 4 I’d have been more sensitive).

WimpoleHat · 15/05/2022 21:07

Sounds like the woman you were talking to was an oddball rather than “people” in general having opinions on the subject. As you said yourself, you haven’t come across it before; hopefully you won’t again.

Applegreenb · 15/05/2022 21:08

Coming from a large family I was always confused when people only had 1 child when I was young. However as I’ve got older I know if multiple people who struggled to fall pregnant, had health issues or mental health.

Now days I don’t bat an eye lid if someone is child free or only had 1 child. it was a bit of an odd reaction from this woman. Not sure what her issue was?! Sounds like she might be a bit odd so you maybe dodged a bullet!

luckylavender · 15/05/2022 21:09

WimpoleHat · 15/05/2022 21:07

Sounds like the woman you were talking to was an oddball rather than “people” in general having opinions on the subject. As you said yourself, you haven’t come across it before; hopefully you won’t again.

It's very common sadly. I'm the only child of an only child & I only have one.some people are very rude.

Cyw2018 · 15/05/2022 21:11

My SIL said that 'only children are weird' when I was pregnant and I told her we would only be having one (DH was adamant he only wanted one child and I suffered from HG).

After nearly a decade of IVF attempts she finally had a baby who is now 3 and unsurprisingly still an only child. I hope he's not too weird for her!!

DashboardConfessional · 15/05/2022 21:16

Some people think it's selfish. I am an only and have an only who is 3. I quite enjoy telling them DH has had the snip if they start telling me I'll change my mind on another.

HTH1 · 15/05/2022 21:16

Did you snap and fart at her? (That would explain the face pulling and moving away).

OneCup · 15/05/2022 21:20

I am an only and got ' I would never have guessed' a few times. Some people expect us to be selfish and/or asocial. I am not quite sure why: it's not as if we were raised by wolves! Plenty of human interaction, sharing, taking turns, socialising opportunities etc

GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 21:23

How weird

TitoMojito · 15/05/2022 21:32

I'm an only child and people like that drive me mad. Stop judging my parents and assuming my childhood was miserable. I had a great childhood with my own bedroom, no one to share my toys with and control over the TV remote after school. What's not to like?! Grin

fossilsmorefossils · 16/05/2022 05:46

I had a woman say something similar once. It was infuriating.

Most people who have an only have a good reason why, either life balance or can't have more or financial reasons. There's a lot to say for putting your money, time and energy to the benefit of 1 child. For that matter, most people I know with 3 or more children can't explain just as well why they had more except for wanting them. Why is not wanting more than one not as equal a good reason?

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 16/05/2022 05:48

Happens loads. In fact, the class WhatsApp has some of the mothers discussing the fact that little Johnny behaves badly presumably because he’s an only child, and is jealous of the children with siblings so is nasty to them.

Tamzo85 · 16/05/2022 05:51

A lot of people consider it better socially and less lonely for the children to have siblings. They don’t stop to think there may be fertility issues that make that impossible.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/05/2022 06:06

Never seen it in real life, only on MN.

GarlicGnocchi · 16/05/2022 06:08

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 16/05/2022 05:48

Happens loads. In fact, the class WhatsApp has some of the mothers discussing the fact that little Johnny behaves badly presumably because he’s an only child, and is jealous of the children with siblings so is nasty to them.

What absolutely vile people

Hastingsontheup · 16/05/2022 06:15

TitoMojito · 15/05/2022 21:32

I'm an only child and people like that drive me mad. Stop judging my parents and assuming my childhood was miserable. I had a great childhood with my own bedroom, no one to share my toys with and control over the TV remote after school. What's not to like?! Grin

My sister is my best friend she is the person who taught me about what friendship is. She is my staunchest supporter and my most honest critic, my first port of call for support, advice and wisdom. I talk to her everyday, so I'd say sharing a room and the remote control was a tiny price to pay for a life long right hand woman.

Ragwort · 16/05/2022 06:19

Hastings how lovely that you are so close to your sister, but many people don't have such a close relationship with their siblings. It can never be assumed that just because you have more than one DC they will get on with each other.

Mummadeze · 16/05/2022 06:19

Sometimes you discover your relationship is not right after you have a child. It changes things enormously.

Lesperance · 16/05/2022 06:20

Hastingsontheup · 16/05/2022 06:15

My sister is my best friend she is the person who taught me about what friendship is. She is my staunchest supporter and my most honest critic, my first port of call for support, advice and wisdom. I talk to her everyday, so I'd say sharing a room and the remote control was a tiny price to pay for a life long right hand woman.

Show quote history

Well that's insensitive. Did you read the OP? One child after infertility issues and would have loved more? @TitoMojito is clearly being supportive. Why did you post?

Notcreativeatall · 16/05/2022 06:22

yes. I'm really sensitive about it as I really wanted more which doesn't help as it means I find it hard to give the positive reasons for only having one.
But we get told we don't know how hard it is to have to juggle multiple children (with the implication we're not proper parents) and also that we are there to pick up the slack on other people's parenting

Tillymint10 · 16/05/2022 06:30

Hastingsontheup · 16/05/2022 06:15

My sister is my best friend she is the person who taught me about what friendship is. She is my staunchest supporter and my most honest critic, my first port of call for support, advice and wisdom. I talk to her everyday, so I'd say sharing a room and the remote control was a tiny price to pay for a life long right hand woman.

Show quote history

This is exactly the sort of thing OP is talking about 🙄

I would have loved more than one child but it wasn’t possible due to health reasons, I had a very risky first pregnancy & felt I couldn’t justify the risk to myself/a second child when I had DC1 to think about

Maybe I am oversensitive but comments like this just rub salt into the wound!

clumperoo · 16/05/2022 06:31

Perhaps you should have judged her for having three

MrsGatsby99 · 16/05/2022 06:47

What a strange woman! Sounds like you have had a lucky escape.

There are some Facebook groups for parents of onelies I have found helpful and empowering even, one is called, ‘my first, my last, my everything’ which is one child by circumstance and there is one for one child by choice. They are very peaceful and it is nice not to feel any judgement and a sense of community.

i used to feel belittled a bit by parents of multiples but I have worked on it and feel pretty secure now. There are more and more one child families. Have had a few comments over the years but answering, ‘it works for us’ answers many scenarios. It is hard if people comment when there has been loss or issues. Most people don’t comment though. It takes all kind of families to make a world and there are pros and cons to each.

5zeds · 16/05/2022 06:48

So many threads about family size on here recently! I doubt anyone really cares in real life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread