Judged for *Only having one child

[Sameasitwas]

Was at the playground yesterday with Dd, almost 4, she was playing with all the kids and I got chatting to a mum with a younger girl and two teenage boys. Chatting away quite happily until she asked if I had anymore children and I said only Dd…her face changed and she looked almost shocked, like a bad smell was under her nose 😬She drifted away after that and went to talk to someone else.
I've never encountered that before, do people really judge people with only one child?
Not that it would have been any of her business, but I had Dd late due to infertility and years of waiting, we would have loved more…but even if we hadn’t, so what?! What’s the issue?

@Hastingsontheup that's absolutely lovely. I'm an only child so I didn't have this. My DH is a twin so I asked him if he savours this staunch support & critique, then he reminded me that BIL is a total arsehole & they haven't spoken for a decade.

What a fucking melt you are coming on & commenting that 🙄

Why?

Children really aren't the be all and end all for so many people and whilst they might be willing to make some sacrifices to their lives in order to have one, that's the balance that is good for them and they don't want to tip that balance further by having another. What on earth is there to judge? I just don't get it? Why would parents who are stressed and miserable because they regret the financial and practical demands that a second has placed on their family be better than happy parents of an only child?

You do know that lots of only children have cousins that they're close to and friends that they have round most nights of the week etc, why are you assuming they're all lonely and crying/ rocking in a corner every night? As I can only assume that's why you'd judge?

But judge them for what exactly?

Quite - with a lot of these threads it's hard not to wonder how much projection's going on. Did the woman actually pull that face or did the OP expect her to and see it regardless. Seems to always happens with MILs too, never any concrete examples of judgmentalism, just a vague 'vibe'.

My Dd is an only child. She is the most well balanced person I know. She has two teenage kids and she has supported her husband who has serious mental health issues for 20 years. She does this in every sense of the word. Until this year until her husband got a part time job she was sole financial provider and she is his greatest advocator and supporter. She has a very busy and committed job and is a highly competent and popular teacher. Unlike the popular myth she is very unselfish and has great long term friends. I am one of three and I could not have done what she has done for her family for the past twenty years. I've found that for me, being one of a bigger family, I have a strong sense of self preservation and I am probably too selfish to have done all she has done. 😀 It was not the done thing, particularly in my husband's family to have an only in the 70s and dear mil(rip) was extremely and openly judgemental. I just got on doing my own thing and, although she openly judged me, I was too polite to point out that, seeing the outcomes of her own choices of a big family, some kids get a bit pushed out. Why would I comment? Her choices. If people are rude enough to judge yours, however many or few kids you have, politely ignore. 😀

@breatheintheamazing

Judge away, but lots of people miss the freedoms and things in life they had before they had kids. You see it here all the time. It’s no longer taboo for women to acknowledge it. Praise be!

Just out of interest - Why do you judge people who are deliberately one and done? Like what is your thought process in relation to those people? Do you think they are selfish for not giving their kid a sibling or something? That they don’t enjoy parenting enough and therefore are fundamentally lacking as a person? Or something else?

”Children really aren't the be all and end all for so many people and whilst they might be willing to make some sacrifices to their lives in order to have one, that's the balance that is good for them and they don't want to tip that balance further by having another. What on earth is there to judge? I just don't get it?”

This is me in a nutshell! I DO want some semblance of pre-child life - I want to be able to get a baby sitter easily, go on holiday, minimal disruption to my career, still have a social life, etc so I’m deliberately one and done! And i make no apologies for my decision nor the reasons behind it! And I don’t judge people who have more than one kid either.

That's great for you.

The thing about people, though, is that everyone is different.

@Hastingsontheup

Oh dear….

I used to work with a woman and whenever the discussion of family life came up she would always mention that I only have the one. I had to bite my tongue every time to stop me from saying "Yes, but all four of yours were taken off you🤷". Her kids are now grown up and want nothing to do with her because she favoured being a heroin addict to being a mother. She's been clean now for 8 years and acts like she's the best thing the world ever produced. Let's just ignore the pain and suffering you caused your own children, and all the people you hurt and stole from to fund your habit 🙄

@LuckySantangelo35 , to branch off ever so slightly from the original thread topic. Did you ever have a wobble over this, and if so, how did you get over it and let your rational mind prevail? I feel exactly the same as you, in terms of one child being the best balance, as it preserves a "semblance" of pre-kids flexibility, and is likely to not do as much damage to my career.

However, I currently have a six month old, and I am occasionally having a wobble over the decision due to feeling guilty about not giving him a sibling. Rationally, I know that it's stupid to think about a second child due to pointless guilt over DS not having a sibling. (I have very little in common with my own brother and only see him a handful of times a year).

My guess is that these thoughts of a second are being driven hormones, and if I ride it out, then the occasional desire for a second will pass?

@Latecomer131

Absolutely! Ride it out and it will pass!

I have an only. It’s a mixture really of forced circumstances and choice - DH and I would have liked another, but I had one very traumatic and horrible TFMR, followed by one “normal” miscarriage - and at that point I decided enough was enough and we would stick at the one we had. I could have kept trying but I didn’t feel strongly enough about having a second child to do that and I still, three years later, find that anything to do with pregnancy scans triggers me a bit. But ultimately it was a choice, to not try again, and I like life as a family of three. DS is fabulous and he doesn’t (as far as I can see) have any of the stereotypical traits of only children - he’s not spoilt or selfish at all. He isn’t used to conflict so that’s perhaps something to work on as he gets older - he always looks utterly shocked when he sees other people’s kids fighting with each other!

Anyway, I have very complex feelings about it all. I do get comments from people fairly often like “oh you didn’t want another one then” which I normally answer with something like “we’re happy as we are” - far too complicated to go into the detail with most people, only a handful of close friends know the truth. I do feel judged sometimes but I don’t really care what other people think, it’s none of their business.

I come at this from the opposite side, which is I don’t really understand why anyone has more than one. To me it just seems like ‘an heir and a spare’ and I’d hate to be the ‘spare’ child. I found it great being an only child and my friends with siblings all have, in one way or another, complicated and at times very draining and difficult relationships with their siblings, so it’s not really been sold to me as a family set up. Even the good times all seem to come at a cost of being beholden to your family, which I personally don’t like at all.

I also experience sincere anxiety about climate change; on MN this doesn’t usually get much traction but it’s real for me and as such I find the idea of having more than two children quite shocking. Maybe I judge a little bit but mainly it just makes me worried.

@Robostripes

”He isn’t used to conflict so that’s perhaps something to work on as he gets older - he always looks utterly shocked when he sees other people’s kids fighting with each other!”

tbf this applies to me as an only, however, I’m not sure it’s always a bad thing. I’ve witnessed some vicious and brutal things be said in sibling arguments that I would never forgive, but the siblings in question take it all as part of the ‘oooh we’re sisters that’s what it’s like’ dynamic. This is kind of what I mean about the good things about the relationship coming at a cost. Personally I would not accept some of the horrible falling outs I’ve seen between siblings as part and parcel of family life. I think in some respects being an only child, for me, has given me really firm boundaries about what I will and will not accept in a relationship. I’m quite good (by now!) at navigating conflict in romantic relationships because I’ve had to learn as an adult and didn’t have that ‘template’ from childhood.

I know not all siblings argue like that but I find it hard when my friends just accept being spoken to in a really awful way ‘because it’s my sister’.

We have one DD, and yes I sometimes feel I have to justify why to people. In our case we wanted another child and it really hurt if anyone asked why we only had one. They had no idea about the six miscarriages we had before DD came along. She’s 10 now and has asked herself why she hasn’t got any brothers or sisters and we told her a couple of months ago. She said well I’ve actually got the most brothers and sisters of all my friends. What a way to look at it.

When my DD was younger I've had the odd Mother say 'oh it's is so easy when you only have one' which is so rude. Having been on the IVF journey I have responded a few times with 'I've only been blessed with one' which has made them at least look a bit embarrassed.I've not idea why some people need to comment on only children either by choice or medically.

I would have loved to have another child but I am blessed to have my DD and she does just fine as 'an only'.

That's great, but this isn't the point and rarely turns out like this.

I was an only child until age 8. I was really happy but really wanted a sibling, but my mum had several miscarriages. When my brother was finally born I was over the moon and loved him to bits, but from his early teenage years he became quite nasty and hateful of me. I think because I'm very academic and he is not, and my parents probably didn't handle that very well. (He's turned out to be a perfectly sucesssful adult). Parents also spent a lot of time arguing when we were both older and we spent a lot of time avoiding the house.

I'm 35 now and my brother has never once contacted me or asked me how I am for over 15 years now. (I've stopped trying and accepted he doesn't want me in his life). I've seen him three times over those years - at two family Christmases, where we barely exchanged small talk, and at our grandmother's funeral. It's a constant sadness to me, but I've just had to try to let it go. Interestingly, DP has a great relationship with his siblings - I'm closer with them than I've ever been with my own brother and it's really nice. While having siblings probably teaches you lots of valuable things, I think most people go on to create their own 'families' in adult life, whether they have siblings or not.

Irrespective of number of children, the ability/desire to reproduce has zero correlation with parenting skills.

I’d be much more concerned about children growing up in a household where the parents “judge” this (and actually use that word) and have to wonder what other prejudices those children are exposed to and the environment they grow up in.

I only have one. He’s easy. I don’t want any more. My pregnancy was shit and I struggled to get him here after losses but regardless, I only wanted one.
i have sisters, we’re super close, we had an amazing childhood together. Best pals now.
DH hates his siblings and they don’t speak.

i just think everyone’s circumstances and choices are different and as long as however many kids you choose to have are looked after and happy then it doesn’t matter!

Wonderful for you and your sister. It's not always like that, My grandmother and great aunt hated each other's guts and didn't speak to each other for decades. Most sibling relationships probably come between the two extremes.

I only have one too.

I had allsorts of comments ranging from what you've experienced to a couple of people saying to me ' I sometimes wish we'd stuck at one'.

If people act negatively I try to make them feel awkward. Mentioning post partum psychosis and/or a shit partner usually shuts them up.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. This woman was very rude. There is nothing wrong with having 1 child, in fact it's amazing! It wasn't usual when I was young, I knew lots of onlies and some were my best friends. Bloody societal pressures and social norms can f*ck off.

i just think everyone’s circumstances and choices are different and as long as however many kids you choose to have are looked after and happy then it doesn’t matter!

This is all that needs to be said really, isn’t it?

I have one child, largely by choice, and no one has ever commented negatively on it (to my face, anyway). I’m sure there are those who judge me privately (as this thread attests), but that’s their problem.

This is a bit weird. Maybe some people only wanted 1 and their kid is happy without siblings as opposed to being due to mental or physical health problems of the mother?!

However as I’ve got older I know if multiple people who struggled to fall pregnant, had health issues or mental health

@Applegreenb or god forbid they actually CHOOSE to have one child. It’s this stupid attitude that more than one is the ideal that is annoying