Judged for *Only having one child

[Sameasitwas]

Was at the playground yesterday with Dd, almost 4, she was playing with all the kids and I got chatting to a mum with a younger girl and two teenage boys. Chatting away quite happily until she asked if I had anymore children and I said only Dd…her face changed and she looked almost shocked, like a bad smell was under her nose 😬She drifted away after that and went to talk to someone else.
I've never encountered that before, do people really judge people with only one child?
Not that it would have been any of her business, but I had Dd late due to infertility and years of waiting, we would have loved more…but even if we hadn’t, so what?! What’s the issue?

Unfortunately this!

As women our life choices are always up for debate it seems.

There is no issue except you are overly concerned about what a random person thinks inside their own head.

@Applegreenb

”Coming from a large family I was always confused when people only had 1 child when I was young. However as I’ve got older I know if multiple people who struggled to fall pregnant, had health issues or mental health.

Now days I don’t bat an eye lid if someone is child free or only had 1 child. it was a bit of an odd reaction from this woman. Not sure what her issue was?! Sounds like she might be a bit odd so you maybe dodged a bullet!”

sound like you still find to weird that someone would choose to only have one child. Not every one who only has one child does so because they have health issues or because they can’t get pregnant, some just don’t want another child, they like life with one!

Is that so hard to understand?!

Sure but you didn't necessarily have to pay that "price" to get that. I have that, and I'm an only child.

The societal norms are powerful. We have an only child because of secondary infertility. I miscarried her only sibling. At the time, I was devastated and I felt dreadfully guilty that dd would grow up "on her own", despite not being particularly close to my own sibling.

However, as dd grew up, I realised that the only child stereotypes were a load of old bollocks. That dd was abundantly happy and thriving as an only child, with more self confidence, better social skills qnd a bigger army of friends than I could ever have dreamt of for myself.

I realised over time too that I had no longing for a second child. That being a parent to dd was 100% fulfilling my maternal instincts, that I loved the balance in my life and the ability to carry on with my career without feeling guilty, and that I actually felt that our family was wholly complete as it was.

And in more recent years, I have overcome the final hurdle that used to cause me sleepless nights... the fear that dd will be left to care for me and DH without support. Because now I am in that phase of life where I am caring for my own elderly parents, I am doing it alone despite having a sibling - as my mother did before me - and the invaluable support that helps me get through the tough times comes not from my family but from my very dear friends who are always there for me.

So yes, I only had one because I couldn't have another, but if I had my time again with total control over the outcome, I would absolutely be one and done, no question. I'm not sure that I ever even wanted a second child in the first place...it just seemed to be the done thing!

I love how those posters who say they would judge people for only having one child haven’t come to justify their statement when asked to by others posters. They cannot say exactly what they are judging

Could that be because that view point is a bit…erm…bollocks?!

It doesn’t sound like she judged you, more that she felt she’d put her foot in it.

No you're not.
It's like people who think they are being judged for not drinking alcohol or being a vegetarian. You clearly have a bee in your bonnet about it, and you're imagining it. I don't believe anyone would pull a face about you only having one child, really

Except this thread has demonstrated that some people absolutely do judge parents of only children.

Yep!

I only have one due to secondary infertility but tbh as time has gone on I’m glad I never had more than one.

And I never gave a shit whether people judged me or not. Says far more about them.

IMO people who judge have fantacy ideas about this wonderful sibling relationship their children will have when in truth very few siblings are that close or remain close into adulthood. The sibling relationship is rarely what people imagine it will be, but it justifies their judgement of others.

Oh and I’m teetotal as well and couldn’t give a shit about what people think of that either.

I assume you don't have an only child yourself? I lost count of the number of stupid judgey comments that people saw fit to pass on this when dd was little.

@Mumwantingtogetitright I had 13 years of just having one child before I had another, so I've done my fair share of playgrounds etc with an 'only child'. Honestly, I think people imagine all sorts because they either are not at peace with their decision for whatever reason of they want to draw attention to themselves.
I'm tee-total, have been all my life, and I have never, ever, had anyone pull a face at me or make unpleasant comments about it AND I work in a profession where heavy drinking is the norm. Yet every year, there are posts on here and in the press around New Year from people who have given up drinking for a month and seem t think they are the talk of the country. They aren't. They just want to be.

Your experience doesn't necessarily reflect everyone else's, though. I'm pretty sure that I wasn't projecting or imagining things when people told me outright that dd would be lonely, that she would find it hard to share, that she would be spoilt etc. Not to mention the people who would instruct dd herself to "ask mummy and daddy for a baby brother or sister so that you don't get lonely."

These were not just looks that I misinterpreted - they were brazen comments that couldn't be ignored. Count yourself lucky if you didn't have to deal with them.

And yes, I've been veggie for 35 years, and haven't ever once had the sense that anyone else cared. That doesn't mean that other people's experiences are invalid if they're different from mine though.

@LuckySantangelo35

I'm being honest here by the way - I'm sure I'll get loads of stick but people ask for opinions and they aren't always popular ones or ones they want to hear

Yes I think it's selfish to deliberately choose to be one and done. I admit I just don't get it. I think if you are prepared to have a child then you should be prepared to have a sibling(s) if circumstances (medical and financial) allow. Reasons I read for people not wanting another child - I want a lie in, I want my figure back, I don't want to do nappies and sleepless nights again, I don't want to make the sacrifices that come with going through the baby years again. I suppose all I hear is "I" , "I". "I" . Children are young for a relatively short period of time in your lifetime so I suppose I wonder why you wouldn't want to go through relatively short term sacrifices for a lifetime of what another child will bring not only for you but your eldest child? My eldest absolutely worships her siblings - it's not just me saying that - her teachers are always reporting on how proud she is to be a big sister and how much her love for her siblings shines through.

But I lost 7 babies trying to give my eldest a sibling. I nearly died twice from multiple ectopics. My opinion is 1000% affected by that. If i could/can have more children tomorrow I would/will

@breatheintheamazing Thanks for that. Now that I know you and people like you think I'm being selfish I'm going to feel bad, miserable, anxious and guilty. No doubt this is going to make you very satisfied and happy with yourself and make the world right again.
My circumstances have not changed so I won't be having another one after your wise words but it was definitely not wasted because of the direct effect your words had on my feelings.
Have the best day, you kind, selfless person!

The thing is, if you tell people they must have a second child if at all possible, you are often telling them to have a child they don’t want. I haven’t felt the slightest twinge of broodiness since DD was born (and before I had her I was desperate for a baby - had two miscarriages and found it very hard to be around pregnant women or other people’s babies as my need was so great). Should I just suck it up and have a baby anyway? I know you’ll be thinking ‘you won’t regret it when it’s here’, but a cursory search of Mumsnet shows that there are absolutely people who regret having some or all of their children. It’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

For those who still don’t get it: there are plenty of women who never have the urge even to have one child, so is it so very unlikely that there might be a lot of women who never have the urge to have a second? If someone told you that you absolutely had to have one child more than your ideal number, and if you didn’t your existing kids would be miserable, you’d think they were mad, right? That’s how you sound to us.

@breatheintheamazing good for you that your youngest worships your oldest, but if you’d bother to read the replies you’ll see this is not the case for everyone. And I hope it remains for your sake, can’t imagine trying so hard for a second for them to go no contact or for the first to get downgraded to an acquaintance in later life.

So, I should give my "only" a sibling and thus give her half my time and attention rather than all of it? Because not doing so is cruel?

Doesn't really make sense does it?

some people don't like the idea of only children, like they're at a complete disadvantage for not having siblings. People have one child for a whole host of reasons. I have one because I can't have more, my friend has one because she doesn't want any more. It's no ones place to judge and if they are judging their opinion isn't worth the ear muscles it takes to listen to it.

What’s the issue?

The issue is the other mum is a twat.
Truly, OP. You needn't waste another moment thinking about it.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but surely with our current climate crisis, and humans being the virus of the Earth, we should be applauding people who opt to only have one child or none at all?

Just saying...

By choosing to have more than one child, we're choosing what is best for us, and best for our families, in the full knowledge that our dying world doesn't need more people, and that our legacy is contributing to wrecking it as a result.

I would like more than one child, but acutely I'm aware that I'm thinking about my own family and not about the planet, which makes me feel guilty, but as humans we are deeply self-absorbed, insular creatures, with only a handful of us who are deeply committed to stopping our planet from ecologically imploding.

I'm acutely aware*

There are so many people doing the judging these days...

I blame Simon Cowell.😂

Everyone is so used to using their critical skills when sitting in front of the tv that they've started doing it in real life too.

Some people are just stupid about only children OP. There are lots of very good reasons to choose to have one child, and of course lots of people can't have more than one.

Maybe reference Emma Barnett's article in this weekend's Times about secondary infertility if you come across this ridiculous attitude again.