Judged for *Only having one child

[Sameasitwas]

Was at the playground yesterday with Dd, almost 4, she was playing with all the kids and I got chatting to a mum with a younger girl and two teenage boys. Chatting away quite happily until she asked if I had anymore children and I said only Dd…her face changed and she looked almost shocked, like a bad smell was under her nose 😬She drifted away after that and went to talk to someone else.
I've never encountered that before, do people really judge people with only one child?
Not that it would have been any of her business, but I had Dd late due to infertility and years of waiting, we would have loved more…but even if we hadn’t, so what?! What’s the issue?

I'm glad someone had the balls to say this.

Absolutely laughable anyone would pity my happy and confident child. Most days she tells me her school friends can’t stand their siblings 😆

People say stupid things. I remember chatting with a woman in a shop queue and she was asking about DS who was 4 at the time, and I said he was an only.

Lady - "Oh that's a shame for him!"

DS1 - "I haven't got any brothers in my house because our baby DS2's name DIED. He went to heaven, because he is DEAD."

It was delivered with all the seriousness, doom and drama he could muster and the poor woman was suitably goldfished before she recovered herself.

It depends on the circumstance, I don't mind telling people I've had two miscarriages and lost two babies later on in pregnancy, but I don't always share it. If anyone was to judge me, that's on them.

Please can you elaborate as to why exactly it is selfish? As a perfectly happy only child I'd love to know what you, a complete stranger, thinks my life is lacking.

I too, had several very late miscarriages and a stillborn before DD came along. Why should I be expected to go through that grief and heartache on the off chance that I might give birth to a 2nd live baby. Nope I quit whilst I was ahead and had no desire for anymore.

Why do I think not having any, or not more than one child is a good thing? Because there are plenty of people in the world, we don't need everyone to replace themselves, and the planet is struggling to cope with us all. Every person who decides not to replace themselves is doing a good thing.

And those who have big families then consume more, "need" bigger cars, have to ferry their multiple children around to more activities, their offspring need more houses, etc.

if the population of the planet halved that would not be a bad thing. Yes there would be a few decades where there would be more old people than young, but it would sort itself out, as someone said on another thread.

People moan about immigration and the housing crisis, but they never look at how many children they are having.

Indeed, as an only child who had an only child, the lazy stereotypes were very tiresome. And I chose to have one, it would have been more than tiresome if I had been unable to have more than one.

Completely agree @yellowsuninthesky

Why do some people judge parents for only having one child?

Jealousy?
Feeling defensive about their own lifestyle choices?

We have an only child and this is entirely through choice. Some of our friends have 2 or 3 kids and seem to take to it easily, others have found the jump to 2 kids incredibly hard. We had a pretty easy time of it when our son was a baby, I have no delusions that a second would be as easy! I hate it when people say "only one child?" Or "just the one then?" As if our family is somehow less than for just having one child. We can afford better holidays with just one, it's easy to travel, both my husband and I can have time to ourselves, and we have a great relationship with our son. We are able to give him all our attention. Neither me or my husband are at all close to our siblings, they are actually quite fraught relationships so neither of us see a huge benefit in having a brother or sister. One of our friends has admitted that they regret having a second, their life is pure chaos and incredibly stressful - I don't wish for that life, and while we might find it easy to add another child to our family I'm not willing to risk disrupting our happy set up. Sometimes I see my happy friends with 2 or more kids and feel a bit jealous of their set up and how their kids have each other to play with/keep each other company. But then I look at my incredibly sociable, confident and loving only child and think we've done alright! I judge people who moan about how hard having one child is and then have another one - like, what did you expect? Why choose to do something again that you don't enjoy or find incredibly hard?

Thanks @yellowsuninthesky !
I love what you had to say on the subject, too. It's so strange to me that people are wilfully ignorant of the impact that we all have on the planet.

I think quite a few people have more children even though they don't truly want them, just because they feel sorry for their only.

Also - I don't think being a mother and having a life of your own are mutually exclusive. Having one child makes it a lot easier to explore your hobbies and commit time to things outside of your family. Some people don't feel comfortable with mothers prioritising themselves, but you can still be a good mum and a separate entity from your child. You don't have to sacrifice your time/body/mental health/happiness to give a child a sibling if you really don't want to.

Here, here!

so many people just don’t get this! No way was I sacrificing myself in order to be a mother

Really, I couldn't less if some ignorant fuckwit thinks I'm selfish for only having one child, regardless of whether that was my choice or otherwise. Ill informed opinions don't really matter.

Personally, I find the idea of having a second child in order to "give" a first child a sibling really quite nauseating. The idea of creating a whole new human being as some sort of plaything or accessory for your existing child, rather than as a person in their own right, is beyond selfish. It's disgusting.

Have a second child if you want one and if you're able to produce one, by all means, but please don't have a child purely to "give" your first child a sibling. It's incredibly unfair. What if it turns out that the first child really hates their sibling and wishes they didn't exist? Then the second child's life is merely a pointless, wasted endeavour, surplus to requirements. It's horrible that people actually think in those terms.

And as for risking leaving your child without a mother purely so that they can have a sibling...well, words fail me!!! Some people probably need to take a look at their priorities.

And as a second child, I can't stand the idea that I might have been created out of pity for my sister. How depressing is that?!

There are other, much better ways of ensuring that your only child is happy!

Personally, I find the idea of having a second child in order to "give" a first child a sibling really quite nauseating. The idea of creating a whole new human being as some sort of plaything or accessory for your existing child, rather than as a person in their own right, is beyond selfish. It's disgusting.

I wanted to say this but couldn’t find the words to express it this succinctly!

I'm one of three, I had two, my DD has three, DS doesn't have any, and I'd be amazed if he ever did. I'm staggered that people think that they have the right to comment on others, there could be all sorts of reasons for only having one child, people are so judgemental.

And I'd judge you for being a bell end 🙄

I had a co-worker say to me, with 5 year old ds in tow, “you can’t have just one!!”
I pointedly looked at him and said, “Uh yes you can if your body tells you aren’t having any more!” I had ds late and then went into menopause at 40! Some people are just true idiots!!

People are just weird. Some like being martyrs. Some like others being martyrs too to validate their own choices, especially if deep down they regret them. Some are just incapable of empathy or unable to step into someone else's shoes. Some choose to wilfully disbelieve the experience of countless others. And of course, some are just bloody idiots.

The 'it's selfish to have one' type comments never fail to amaze. Having children (any number) is inherently selfish. If anything, I'd think the more you have, the more selfish you are. That's biology for you.

Gaslighting. Lovely.

I’ve been criticised for only having one. I was told I was selfish for not giving my son a sibling and my husband a second chance at parenthood. I was told that I was selfish for not going through it again, by someone who knew I nearly died the first time.

Or did I imagine it? You seem to believe you know best.

“People are just weird” probably covers all of it to be honest!

The woman is weird. Don’t worry.

You have 2 or 3 kids? Gross 🤮 You and your family sound awful.