Judged for *Only having one child

[Sameasitwas]

Was at the playground yesterday with Dd, almost 4, she was playing with all the kids and I got chatting to a mum with a younger girl and two teenage boys. Chatting away quite happily until she asked if I had anymore children and I said only Dd…her face changed and she looked almost shocked, like a bad smell was under her nose 😬She drifted away after that and went to talk to someone else.
I've never encountered that before, do people really judge people with only one child?
Not that it would have been any of her business, but I had Dd late due to infertility and years of waiting, we would have loved more…but even if we hadn’t, so what?! What’s the issue?

My own sister recently said why have children at all if you're only going to have one. That hurts. And everyone tells you you'll change your mind (we're one and done by choice - there are medical reasons and risks to stop now, but we technically could have more).

I have my son and there's nothing more I could want or ask for ⭐

@Hastingsontheup it is lovely that you have a great relationship with your sister but it is by no means guaranteed.

My DC fortunately get on very well but DH and his brother definitely do not. His brother (older) only stopped beating him up when DH grew bigger than him and was able to fight back. They have no relationship as adults. DH would have far rather have been an only!

Support groups for people who have only had one child by choice?

The medical issues one I can understand, but who needs support after choosing to have one child?

We have 1 and chose to. We have a wonderful life with our little gang of 3.

No regrets whatsoever.

Not anything I've ever encountered in real life either.

I am one of 5 and have a great relationship with my siblings, but I have 1. 2 of my sisters also have opted for 1.

Not anything we've ever sat round and naval gazed about 🤷‍♀️

I do have empathy for women who wanted more than 1, but couldn't due to medical issues.

It is very common for people to judge. They make all sorts of assumptions about only children which have no basis in reality. I remember the pitying and/or disapproving looks from when dd was small. We used to get them a lot. These days, we tend to just get astonishment instead. Some people seem to find it very difficult to square the fact that dd is an only child with her exceptionally sociable, generous personality!

Same here! I actually lost a longstanding friend due to me only wanting one. People assume I have fertility issues but not the case! I’m very happy with my one and only and she’s going to stay like that. People have been utterly awful to me about it especially on my DPs side (even though he too is an only!!) but I have to let it wash over me and realise they’re just awful and judgemental people who don’t think before they speak!

I'm only on one where right now most of my friends are giving birth to their 2nd and 3rd. I had hg and my toddler is extremely difficult. I can't imagine something worse than being pregnant with hg and dealing with a unruly toddler. I've only started getting some child free times since my toddler started nursery. I don't think my mh could handle another plus I could put dc in a private school, have a couple of holidays and live in a two bedroom place whereas with another child or two, this would stretch us thin. Im mid 30s now and dh 40 so with child 2 or 3, I don't think we would have enough years and energy in us to provide for them. I also see a lot of sibling rivalry and jealousy so giving a sibling doesn't necessarily mean you are doing a favour by giving a friend, sometimes this can backfire and become a burden to the said child.

I raised three children and even though I love them all and am glad I have them, I have to admit life would have been much less complicated and I could have been a better mum to an only child!

DD is an only, and like @Sameasitwas I was an older mum due to infertility. I have always been open about that and have never felt judged about only having one child. I know quite a few people with only one child so it feels normal to me.

I'm an only child and always got bundled with the 'oh I bet you're spoilt rotten' comments. My DP is one of 6 and believe me he got spoilt a lot more than me. We have 1 DD and I've said I don't want anymore and DP is happy to agree. Being an only child I couldn't imagine sharing my mum with anyone else but MIL is already asking if we're having more and DD only 12 weeks old! I'm sure I could but I just can't imagine being able to love more than 1 child the same which I'm sure is a daft thing to say but unless something drastically changes in my mind she will be an only child.

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen the FB group is not really a support group, it’s more a space on the web for parents with one child.

I would judge a parent with only 1 kid. But also parents with more then 3 kids . But id do it behind their backs. Like a normal person.

So the only acceptable number of kids to you is 2 or 3? How ridiculous.

This happened to me once I was waiting to collect my daughter from ballet when she was about 4 and a women with 4 under 5 was there and someone said will you have more to which I screwed my face and the women with lots or kids said I could never just had 1 they'd be so lonely and I said isn't it funny how we are all different cos when people tell me they have 4 under 5 I immediately think why? Why would you do that to yourself.
Probably nor my finest hour but it shut her and everyone else up
Sending love people are idiots x

We definitely got the hard sell on child #2. Friends, family, strangers “when is the next one coming along?” “You can’t possibly only have 1, they will be lonely/sad/selfish”

It was non-stop from when DD was 1 until she got to about 6. I think folks started to accept that I wouldn’t change my mind about then. DD is 11 now and generally if the topic comes up people are slightly sympathetic that I couldn’t have a second - I’ve given up bothering to correct them. Having 1 was a choice for me and I think it was a good one.

The issue is that you are a woman.

You would face similar judgement for having multiple children, and also for not having any children at all. Also for being too old when you had children, and also for being too young.

Oh and also for working after having children, and also if you were a stay at home mum.

People like that are just dickheads who go around judging people for ridiculous reasons. I know it's easier said than done but honestly just try and ignore it. Focus on yourself and your child and do what is right for you and your own family.

What a dick.

I think some people judge whatever you do- not enough children, too many children, going back to work, staying at home. Etc etc- their judgement is fact about them not about you and can safely be ignored.

I have 2 children, one is my own & one is not but I have raised him since he was 3 & he has lived with us since then but some of the judgement I used to receive when I said he was my DSS not DS…somebody even once said something along lines of ‘you have only had one child so you wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be the proper mother to 2’! I’ve also overheard comments like ‘she’s only got one’ or ‘she’s an only child’ don’t understand the judgement of only children but it’s ridiculous whatever the reason as there’s no sense or logic to it.

I once told someone I was an only child and their response was "My God, but you're so well adjusted! I'd never have known!' Like I'd just said I came from Mars or something. Why would I not be "well adjusted"? I had lovely parents and a great childhood. Luckily my Only DD is in a class with 5 other onlies - I do think it's much more common now, so hopefully attitudes will change.

I agree. You are female. Obviously your life choices are up for discussion.

How very weird! And I say this as someone who has 3.

Yes & by other women!

I would judge a stupid and narrow minded person, too. I guess we all make judgements. Some of them are just more well founded than others.

I got called selfish when I didn’t want children. I went on to have one and now I’m selfish for only having one, apparently. Even though I nearly died.

I’ve just concluded people are really weird and the ones who feel compelled for call me names for these things are just rude AF, too.

Pretty brave of you to admit that. Would you judge them even if they’d struggled with infertility? Or birth injury? Or an adulterous partner? Or financial troubles? Or job loss? Or a bereavement that left them struggling? And all which may have contributed to the decision/circumstance to have one child?

So much judgement even in this thread, so no OP YANBU. I have one, proudly, for no other reason that we had one and felt our lives were complete. No fertility issues, our relationship is strong, we are happy, we could easily afford more, we have the space, we are just happy as we are. Why is that not enough? Being one and done is becoming far more popular and common, with good reason, and parents and families who choose that, rather than have it dictated by circumstance, seem vastly misunderstood.