Judged for *Only having one child

[Sameasitwas]

Was at the playground yesterday with Dd, almost 4, she was playing with all the kids and I got chatting to a mum with a younger girl and two teenage boys. Chatting away quite happily until she asked if I had anymore children and I said only Dd…her face changed and she looked almost shocked, like a bad smell was under her nose 😬She drifted away after that and went to talk to someone else.
I've never encountered that before, do people really judge people with only one child?
Not that it would have been any of her business, but I had Dd late due to infertility and years of waiting, we would have loved more…but even if we hadn’t, so what?! What’s the issue?

She sounds like an idiot. I would never judge anyone for having 1. I also never ask if they’re having another as I might think fertility issues, so I wouldn’t even go there.

I have 3 kids, having 1 is fine. I know plenty of nice well adjusted only kids. My oldest has an only child fantasy in his head and when he’s older she’s only going to have 1 (apparently 🤦‍♀️).

He’s

Yes sadly it happens. We are also struggling with secondary infertility and it really hurts when people say things like “oh I expect she struggles to share”

I’m now fairly defiant and say we’d love more but it’s very difficult for us and that will end the conversation but is is extremely hurtful.

Why though? It has no impact on your life whatsoever.

Ive never encountered any negativity and I'd tell people to mind their own if I did.I think sometimes people are envious that single child parents usually have it easier e.g bit more money/time towards their child.
I had a traumatic birth and pnd/ptsd no way was I risking that again .

I see so many posts like this on Mumsnet, and maybe I’m in a bit of bubble, but I’m one of very few in my friendship groups who wants more than one child. Most of my friends are one and done.

Sometimes I read threads and wonder does it happen in real life, but then you just have to scroll a few responses to see all the judgements coming out.

For unfound reasons people have prejudices as to what only children are like, but to actually use the phrase “I would judge them” is beyond stupidity. What is it you think you’re judging exactly?

That’s a very weird reaction from her but yes I do feel judged, even though it’s more common now.

I often get “oh when you have a second…” comments ans going on about how much harder things are (bit that I’ve asked). When my son is interested in playing with dolls/babies “well you better have your second soon then!” And “so is he an only?” Always followed by awkward laughter.

What people don’t know is we are actually trying and so far it’s not happening for us. Either way it’s upsetting though.

People like that drive me mad but from the moment you conceive you are open to judgement from randoms from your pregnancy lifestyle to birthing technique to how you feed your baby.
Rise above it...you have swerved an idiot!

We have an only child. Not by choice but as a result of inexplicable secondary infertility. We went through failed IUIs & IVF & after all that we lost a baby at 13 weeks.

After 8 years of heartache & struggle & financial stress we've made our peace with it

Our dc is a teen now & an amazingly well rounded, independent person.

My dh is one of 5 and close to none of them. I know several people with 2 children where they literally can't stand each other & the sibling rivalry is very strong

I know families of 4 where the needs or personality of one kid dominates the household.

I know a family where they had 2 children & 1 died leaving the other to grow up as an only child- would you fancy explaining that every time some idiot made remark about 'only ' children ?

We simply do not know people's private situations.

There is no perfect family and no right way to do it.

Reading some of the things that people have had said to them, and indeed some of the comments & opinions posted here, it is a real reminder that 50% of the population had lower than average intelligence....

Has not had

You get judged for having ‘only’ one, someone else will get judged for having four. Another woman will be judged for working, and her neighbour judged for staying at home. Bottle feeding, breastfeeding, kind of schooling…bottom line is people are judgmental because parenting is a tough job and they need to stay true to their own path because it’s the way that suits them/that they have managed to cope.

Unfortunately there are always those who are rude enough to say it aloud. Sorry OP, she was being very unreasonable towards you!

When DD was about 4, I actually had a school Mum tell me that if DD wasn’t an only child, and I’d had an older sibling for her, then I could have had some ‘hand me down’ school uniform for DD. WTAF?

To this day I have no idea what mental gymnastics she did to get to that conclusion, and it’s not like we couldn’t afford bloody school uniform. I did go into some nice detail about the miscarriages I’d had and why DD was an only child and then she never spoke to me again.

And don’t get me started on SIL’s comments on only children 🤬

People are really weird!

The issue is that you are a woman.

You would face similar judgement for having multiple children, and also for not having any children at all. Also for being too old when you had children, and also for being too young.

Oh and also for working after having children, and also if you were a stay at home mum

This. Women are constantly judged on their family and lifestyle choices, and it’s often other women doing the judging.

Also, a surprising number of people are deeply conformist and unimaginative, and feel threatened by those who don’t follow the herd, whether it’s by having no children, one child or five. For some, two children, ideally one of each sex (let’s not forget the judgmental comments around families with mutiple boys/girls) is all that’s acceptable.

Personally the pandemic highlighted for me that plenty of people lack basic empathy skills and struggle to grasp that other people are autonomous individuals whose life experiences differ from theirs.

People are really weird about only children. I sometimes wonder if the ones that are rude about it actually regret having more/struggle and when faced with the reality of actually only children are fine get defensive over their position and are trying to convince themselves why they needed more.

I'd much rather judge people who bring more children into the world who are financially unable to support them, or have 0 parenting skills.
With only children it's just a stigma, all of which is total rubbish. Even research has shown only children are no unhappier than those with siblings.

Ignore it, and enjoy your small family. Doesn't really matter what anyone thinks after all.

Why would you judge though? What’s the magic cut off for 3? Is it because you think your own choices should be taken up by the rest of the population? Can you really not imagine/appreciate/understand that your view is only right for you.

I despair sometimes, I really do

People are very openly judgemental about many parenting choices one of them been how many kids you have even though many people have no choice in this.

People will judge women who choose not to have kids, have one, have 6, have a small age gap, have a large age gap... quite honestly people should just shut up and let people have the families they have.

I was an only and frequently to this day get sympathy about that 🙄 I have 2 ( my eldest would far prefer to be the only one btw!!) I have a 5 year age gap, that gets a lot of judgey comments. At the end of the day only the parents with 2.5 kids with a perfect 2 year age gap and of course one of each might just escape any judgement.

Ignore people like this OP there are many more only children now than when I grew up and from what I experienced and what I see now they are very happy, confident thriving kids and that's the main thing.

We only have one child and as much as I'd like another it won't be happening. It really annoys me when people joke about having the next one soon, needing a playmate etc. You have no idea what we went through just to get the one we have, so please stop telling me I'll be having another when the choice has been taken away from me.

I suspect that there is a lot of truth in this!

I came on here to say exactly the same thing. When you're a woman, whatever you do is wrong.

I have one child and have never come across anything negative. She has a disability so maybe people think that’s why we didn’t have another, actual reason is pregnancy triggered serious health condition in me most people have never heard of and I was strongly advised by several drs not to get pregnant again so I didn’t.
Lots have onlies these days or different set ups effectively making them onlies eg half sibling years older. Especially as people start families later and financial issues it’s only going to be more common.
I seriously wouldn’t give any more thought.

In all honesty, I think that quite a few of the people who are contemptuous of only children and their parents are jealous.

Jealous that the parents of only children have less work, less parenting stress, more chance of having a life that has some semblance to what life was like pre kids. Easier to get a baby sitter, more money and freedom to go on holiday, less faff around school pick ups, etc.

Lots of people with more than one kid will have had more in order to conform to social pressures or to give their child a sibling and then as they’ve got older seen that the kids don’t actually get on… they feel regret/resentment conscious or otherwise, and so project that onto only children and their parents.

Sad really!

I really don’t understand the judging? There’s so many reasons why an only is an only. I rarely share my reasons. Several onlies I know the dad left so there’s no chance of a full sibling. Do you judge those only with a half sibling? Or those whose sibling died - again not something you’d share with a randomer in park. I just have DD can mean anything.

I don't think jealousy has anything To do with it to be honest. If I wanted "more chance of having a life that has some semblance to what life was like pre kids" I wouldn't have had kids in the first place.

Most people who have more than one deliberately chose that life.

I fought secondary infertility to give my eldest siblings. So I understand totally those that can't for medical reasons but I admit I really don't understand (and yes probably judge) the deliberately"one and done"