Judged for *Only having one child

[Sameasitwas]

Was at the playground yesterday with Dd, almost 4, she was playing with all the kids and I got chatting to a mum with a younger girl and two teenage boys. Chatting away quite happily until she asked if I had anymore children and I said only Dd…her face changed and she looked almost shocked, like a bad smell was under her nose 😬She drifted away after that and went to talk to someone else.
I've never encountered that before, do people really judge people with only one child?
Not that it would have been any of her business, but I had Dd late due to infertility and years of waiting, we would have loved more…but even if we hadn’t, so what?! What’s the issue?

@breatheintheamazing

Urgh you sound so pious!

“I want a lie in, I want my figure back, I don't want to do nappies and sleepless nights again, I don't want to make the sacrifices that come with going through the baby years again”

Yup, and…? Whats so wrong with that?! I want all that stuff and make no apology for it! I want that stuff more than a second child. I suppose you are some kind of superior being and don’t care about any of that? Well I do… I’m a human, a woman as well as a womb and infant caregiver.

And it’s great that your eldest has that kind of relationship with their siblings but plenty of kids don’t, they tear chunks out of each other and it continues into adulthood.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but surely with our current climate crisis, and humans being the virus of the Earth, we should be applauding people who opt to only have one child or none at all

I am not going to flame you, I totally agree.

@yellowsuninthesky

Do you? Why?

Yes I think it's selfish to deliberately choose to be one and done. I admit I just don't get it. I think if you are prepared to have a child then you should be prepared to have a sibling(s) if circumstances (medical and financial) allow. Reasons I read for people not wanting another child - I want a lie in, I want my figure back, I don't want to do nappies and sleepless nights again, I don't want to make the sacrifices that come with going through the baby years again. I suppose all I hear is "I" , "I". "I" .

and? So what?

Do women not have a choice now? So you’re saying it’s none or 2+? This is ridiculous. You’re also saying that it’s detrimental to a child not to grow up with siblings, also ridiculous. Siblings aren’t the be all and end all.

I’m sorry for what you went through but what you’re saying is not just untrue but hurtful.

It’s also 2022 and somehow I’m getting tired of telling someone (again) on the internet that a woman must have a choice. Whether you agree with that choice or not. A woman always has the choice! It’s not up to anyone else to judge if a woman wants zero, 1 or 5 children.

You’re almost enforcing that women should have two children no matter what, you take away that choice and we’re on a slippery slope to some dystopian state.

Uggh why am I saying this in the 21st century? 😣

You’re almost enforcing that women should have two children no matter what, you take away that choice and we’re on a slippery slope to some dystopian state.

Exactly! Which is pretty scary especially coming from a woman

My DD is 8. She does have a half brother but he's 20 and doesn't live with us so she's basically growing up an only child. She's well adjusted and very sociable but people seem to feel sorry for her, saying oh she's an only child...well technically she's not, but we enjoy spending time together as a family and actually get on really well just the 3 of us. I definitely get the whole "oh you don't know what it's like to juggle multiple kids" feeling though. Although actually I juggle 3 jobs and one child, whereas another mum might be juggling 3 kids and one job. But I wouldn't judge them the way they judge me. Everyone's doing their best!

This is hilarious. People really are horribly judgemental and for such stupid reasons!

id love a second child but my god, how can people actually believe it’s selfish to only have one? Madness.

Also why two? Is it also bad to have two of the same sex or different sex? Ridiculous

People have asked why DD is an only but my I must give off ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibes because no one has ever challenged my done at one” reply.

You sound incredibly dull.

Fancy revolving your whole life around children. Do you not have any hobbies/ interests? You seem to be one of these women that thinks all women should become a shadow of their former self once they have children, just a complete martyr as that's the only way to parent.

Heaven forbid we should care about having a nice figure or a life outside of our children!

You also haven't explicitly said why you think it's selfish to only have 1 child? You said your eldest adores their siblings? And? That's still not a reason to have multiple children, especially considering the crisis our planet is in.

But why do you think children need a sibling? I'm an only and love it. Do you not understand that all children are individuals and that while some might enjoy having siblings, some will hate it.

I’m one of 4 and one sibling cut all of us off years ago and I’m not close to my other 2 siblings at all. We are like chalk and cheese. Just because you’re related definitely doesn’t mean you’re going to be best friends.

I sometimes at my friends with one child and think how lucky they are!

Resentful parents are terrible parents. Why would you want children to experience that?

People are so judgemental. Sure most kids want siblings, in an ideal world but in reality everyone's relationship situation and fertility situation is different so it's not fair to judge.

Yes I think it's selfish to deliberately choose to be one and done

But I lost 7 babies trying to give my eldest a sibling. I nearly died twice from multiple ectopics

This isn't meant in a horrible way but don't you think it's selfish to risk your life, risk your child losing his/her mother just because you have some weird ideas about only children?

I think my partner and I are one and done. I have a close relationship with my siblings and it makes me feel sad my baby won’t have that but on the other hand:

• he won’t know any different and there are no guarantees as to sibling relationships


• I’m 41 and my periods were kinda tailing off before my pregnancy, if we wanted another we’d have to start trying again pretty damn soon and I’ve barely adjusted to life with 1


• I think I can be a good mum to 1


• having some life to myself is important, I can just about get enough of that with 1 so that I don’t lose my sense of myself in the demands of motherhood


• I found pregnancy really tough and it’s fucked up my health a little, I don’t want to do it again


• the impact on finances - with 1 we are still reasonably comfortable, 2 would be tight

An emotional desire for my son to have a sibling isn’t enough stacked against all that.

I have 8 siblings and don't see any of them because my family is a fractured mess. one of the reasons I have chosen to only have one is because I want to break the intergenerational trauma cycle and I know I only have the energy and brain space to do that while parenting one child. If I am to be a good mother to her she has to be my only.

I’m embarrassed by some of the comments posters have made.

Openly admitting to ”judging” and accusations of being “selfish” because someone didn’t make the same choices as you, or maybe didn’t have the choice, just highlights some women are just as bad as some men in projecting what women should and shouldn’t do in society.

At times MN is a great forum for supporting other women, but threads like are depressing.

Shame on you “judgers”.

We have one child and never had any desire for more.Our child is happy and so are we. I don’t spend my time asking other parents why they “only” had two children. Or three. Or four. No one goes around asking people why their first child wasn’t enough for them do they. It’s rude. I don’t know why people care how many children others have. I’ve always felt it says something about their own choices to be honest

My elder sister bullied me and wished me dead on more than one occasion. I rarely speak to her or see her and she only lives a 5 minute walk from my house. In fact she's the reason I had just 1 child...no way on Earth would I risk any child of mine feeling as awful as I did growing up.

Some people are just the kind of judge anyone over anything that doesn't perfectly align with what they do...

My favourite only child comment was at the play park after school and sitting on a bench with two other mums (we had 1,1, and 3 children). The mother of three comments on the poor behaviour of a younger child (not one of ours) and concludes it is because he is an only child. I pointed out that our children are only children to which she replied ours don't count as they aren't like only children...😁

I've never actually had any comments made to my face about DD being an only (although obviously judging by some of the comments on here there have been many made behind my back). Why are people so judgemental these days? What business is it of anyone else how many children I have?

If anyone ever did say anything I would give them the full gory medical details of why I couldn't have any more, throwing in for good measure that DD should have had a twin who didn't survive.

If that didn't shut them up I would then probably also tell them not to be such judgemental twats and mind their own business, but then I have got to the stage in life where I'm becoming less and less concerned what other people think of me.

I’m not sure this is a very supportive comment - you’ve phrased it as if you wouldn’t judge someone for having an only child but then followed it up with a value judgment and then seem to imply that you’re not ‘judging’ rather feeling something like pity for one child families. It’s not that it’s ‘not fair’ to judge, it’s that there is nothing to judge. Why should children have siblings in an ideal world?

I feel like I know a You in real life … except they don't hide it as well as you think they do and everyone can tell they're a snotty two faced cow.

I grew up with four siblings who were much older, no cousins or family friends my age and my parents were very strict with going out etc. A friend of mine was an only child with plenty of cousins, family friends and friends. Siblings are not the be-all and end-all some people make it out to be. Pay her no mind.