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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To understand not wanting to be involved

431 replies

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:22

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

OP posts:
romdowa · 15/05/2022 10:26

If the dna comes back that it's his child then the cms will pursue him for payments, they really don't give a shit about the circumstances of the child's conception. Surely every adult understands that this is the risk you take every time you have sex.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:27

romdowa · 15/05/2022 10:26

If the dna comes back that it's his child then the cms will pursue him for payments, they really don't give a shit about the circumstances of the child's conception. Surely every adult understands that this is the risk you take every time you have sex.

This is not about the child maintenance I said that’s a separate issue, it’s about not wanting to be involved in raising a child with a stranger.

OP posts:
MrsGinaHarrison87 · 15/05/2022 10:32

Well it happened to me. As far as I'm aware, he understood human biology when he put his penis in his vagina. It wasn't all down to me, we both had unprotected sex. He's never met his 14 year old son and he's never paid anything. I don't want anything from him. He lives relatively local to me and I wonder if he's gone on to have more kids. I can understand initially being scared or whatever but to never want to see your biological child or even be curious about them seems unnatural to me and yet we hear of men doing it all the time.

MrsGinaHarrison87 · 15/05/2022 10:32
  • my vagina!
Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:35

He said he used a condom though so he isn’t admitting to not using one (whether he did or not no one knows but the two of them) I guess women have choices not to continue if they don’t want a baby where as the man doesn’t so if you decide to continue knowing they don’t want to be involved it can’t really be a surprised when they want no involvement?

OP posts:
bg21 · 15/05/2022 10:40

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:22

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

I'm with you completely on this 👍

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 10:44

I’m with you. A woman can decide she doesn’t want to be a parent by having a termination.

A man doesn’t have that choice, but he’s just as entitled to feel he doesn’t want to be a parent.

ElenaSt · 15/05/2022 10:50

Wearing a condom isn't 100% protection, the percentage is 98% so therefore there will always be a 2% chance a man could impregnate a woman.

Therefore if a man wants to 100% ensure he doesn't create a child he needs to take other measures in preventing his sperm from coming j go contact with an egg.

So in my mind whilst the sex was casual he does have to take financial responsibility if not emotional care in raising the child.

zingally · 15/05/2022 11:02

I can understand not wanting to be involved... but... play stupid games, get stupid prizes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2022 11:04

zingally · 15/05/2022 11:02

I can understand not wanting to be involved... but... play stupid games, get stupid prizes.

What game did he play?

MrsGinaHarrison87 · 15/05/2022 11:05

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 10:44

I’m with you. A woman can decide she doesn’t want to be a parent by having a termination.

A man doesn’t have that choice, but he’s just as entitled to feel he doesn’t want to be a parent.

Having an abortion is not something everyone could do, it's not a light decision for the majority. Don't feel sorry for the men that get themselves into this situation. If they want to walk away scot free, they can and frequently do. My child's father's family and partner I assume don't even know he has a teenage son. He's unaffected. It's the women that carry the emotional burden of a termination or go on to parent a child over the years to come.

SurvivingTheGame · 15/05/2022 11:07

I disagree, he took the risk in having sex with with a stranger, condoms do fail and many a baby has been born because the condom broke… or wasn’t used properly.
He is right to ask for DNA testing but if it’s his child then of course he should be involved.

nomistake · 15/05/2022 11:08

I'm with you. The woman doesn't have to keep the child. If she chooses too and the man doesn't want it that's his right.

GreenWheat · 15/05/2022 11:09

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2022 10:44

I’m with you. A woman can decide she doesn’t want to be a parent by having a termination.

A man doesn’t have that choice, but he’s just as entitled to feel he doesn’t want to be a parent.

Exactly this. Whilst they both made the baby, she made the choice to keep it, totally ignoring what he wanted.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 11:10

SurvivingTheGame · 15/05/2022 11:07

I disagree, he took the risk in having sex with with a stranger, condoms do fail and many a baby has been born because the condom broke… or wasn’t used properly.
He is right to ask for DNA testing but if it’s his child then of course he should be involved.

So I take it you also disagree with adoption? What if a woman decided she wanted to give the child up, you think she shouldn’t because she had sex so has to live with consequences? Can’t see how it would benefit a child to have someone in their life who doesn’t want them (the screen shots make it very clear he wants nothing to do with the child) so can’t see him being a positive influence in the child’s life.

OP posts:
Hollygolightly86 · 15/05/2022 11:18

If he did indeed wear a condom then I’m absolutely on his side, why would any woman have a one night stand & not insist on barrier protection if they knew they weren’t on birth control. It’s a sad reality that most men whether you agree or not assume that women are on bc the fact that she wasn’t and then happily claims (truth or not) that he wasn’t using a condom is so ridiculously irresponsible on her part so she should accept the responsibility of her choice.

Isaidnoalready · 15/05/2022 11:18

He has the right not to be involved he doesn't have the right not to pay

Cloud16 · 15/05/2022 11:58

I agree with you OP.

Cloud16 · 15/05/2022 12:04

Also I don't think it's fair to say its a risk you take every time you have sex and you just need to deal with the consequences. It's a bit like those American pro lifers (who also seem to be ironically anti-birth control), 'if you didn't want a baby, you shouldn't have had sex' blah blah blah.

Ifailed · 15/05/2022 12:04

If a man doesn't want a child he either abstains from any contact with a women where sperm might get into her vagina or he has a vasectomy.
If he goes round copulating during one night stands he has to accept the risk, and responsibility, that he may father a child.

Oscarthedog · 15/05/2022 12:05

romdowa · 15/05/2022 10:26

If the dna comes back that it's his child then the cms will pursue him for payments, they really don't give a shit about the circumstances of the child's conception. Surely every adult understands that this is the risk you take every time you have sex.

I raised this comment about "every time an adult has sex they risk pregnancy" about women's access to contraceptives in the us and was flamed for it. Unless there is one rule for men and one for women. Just like there is in the lack of provision for men of contraceptive choices.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 12:06

Ifailed · 15/05/2022 12:04

If a man doesn't want a child he either abstains from any contact with a women where sperm might get into her vagina or he has a vasectomy.
If he goes round copulating during one night stands he has to accept the risk, and responsibility, that he may father a child.

Does that mean he should raise the child though? A woman can have an abortion or adopt the baby if she doesn’t want to have a child, no one would judge her for it though, why are men just expected to be forced to? No one would agree with forcing a woman.

OP posts:
theobligatorynamechange · 15/05/2022 12:08

Not everyone wants to be a parent.

Fair play to him for saying that early on enough for her to make an informed decision based on that. Far worse to pretend to want to be involved, then to walk out in the first few years of a child's life. At least this way she can decide if she wants to be a single mum or not.

However, as has been mentioned already, if the DNA is his, he needs to pay up.

Re the comments on contraception - in a long-term relationship, you know what contraception is being used, and how reliably. With a ONS, you're really taking your chances. For men who aren't sterilised, the possibility of fathering a child they don't want and having to pay for that child for 18+ years is just the risk they have to accept.

TBH, given how much kids cost to raise, might be cheaper to have a vasectomy and reverse it down the line if they later change their mind about having children.

Oscarthedog · 15/05/2022 12:08

Cloud16 · 15/05/2022 12:04

Also I don't think it's fair to say its a risk you take every time you have sex and you just need to deal with the consequences. It's a bit like those American pro lifers (who also seem to be ironically anti-birth control), 'if you didn't want a baby, you shouldn't have had sex' blah blah blah.

Absolutely I am pro choice on abortion (Indeed I would liberalise it further) but the more I see men's choices around sex and father hood being eroded (especially on here) the more I am warming to the republican party. I still believe in choice women should be free to choose and men should be free to not contribute too.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 15/05/2022 12:11

Completely understand him not wanting to be involved; this isn't a child he wanted.

Nevertheless, that child is here and if they turn out to be his, he SHOULD be involved, regardless of his wishes. That child did not choose to be born.

He lost his right to a choice when he first chose to have the one night stand, knowing full well every act of intercourse has the risk of turning into a pregnancy.

Re women having the choice to terminate etc. Yes, we do. We should. This is one thing that we get to dictate and control to a certain level, if we want to. Our biology allows it and it's time men accept this.