To understand not wanting to be involved

[CandyApplePie]

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

I don’t agree, most men are not emotional as women when it comes to children and don’t see them in the same way. Even in loving relationships men walk away from kids they’ve brought up for years

It’s because the woman carries the baby. Therefore she gets to decide what she does with her body.

People pretend that there’s a double standard because they’re so aghast that a man (who had a choice not to fuck someone) might not get exactly what he wants, even when it involves someone else’s body.

I guess what I’m saying is men don’t get the same emotional connection as women given they don’t carry or bond with the baby before birth and if they don’t love or care for the mother then it’s easier for them to disconnect from the situation.

@CandyApplePie were you on nethuns??

Was she on ANY contraception? Why did she (according to her) have a ONS without a condom?? IF she didn't want to get pregnant.

a woman having a ONS without any contraception and doubling up with a condom is pretty much begging to get pregnant. So now she is...

I don't understand how he doesn't want to be part of his child's life, but I think he's being sensible & realistic & it's better for the child than dipping in & out if its life. It's less personal too (for the child, it's about a baby he never met than them as a child being rejected. Still hurts some, but less painful & some really don't miss what they didn't have)

This thread is so depressing. This is how men get away with taking fuck all responsibility for things. I'm so sick of it.

I wonder how many people who are happy with the idea of the father walking away and wanting nothing to do with the child would feel the same if it were the mother walking away and leaving it with the father to raise alone?

It’s also pretty offensive, it’s essentially ‘men love their children less, therefore why should they be arsed?’

Having even protected sex is like Russian roulette. There is no 100% protection against pregnancy other than abstinence. Even sterilisation can fail.
every time you have sex you risk a pregnancy.

The males choice is at the point of penetration. it’s not like they have none.

Men are always claiming children can't be theirs even when the child happens to be the spitting image of them.

He's hoping rather than facing reality.

Condom roulette

How is it offensive? A woman grows the baby and bonds with the baby throughout pregnancy, if she was with the man he would also share the experience but sounds like he hasn’t see her at all since the ONS so of course there is no bond yet established? That’s a fact

Condom roulette

Those that think he should raise the child do you think that will benefit the child? Posters who have experienced having absent fathers have said themselves they would rather he disappear than be forced into having contact with a dad they know didn’t want them. Do you think the child would not pick up on this? Seems people want to force him to raise the child as punishment for his mistake rather than because it’s genuinely in the child’s best interest

Oh please, I assume the woman is not an idiot, so if taking an oral contraceptive or the morning after pill gives her ‘horrible side effects’ and she is engaging with risky one night stands, she could either have an implant or an IUD. Either way it was just as much her responsibility to make sure her ONS used a condom to protect her sexual health.

Men are incapable of bonding with a baby in utero?

Do what do you suggest then? Forced contact?? How long for? Hiw woukd it be enforced? His does it benefit the child?

Oh sorry, I misread that.

I never said that. Clearly a man in a relationship would also bond feel the baby kick, attend scans, chose clothes etc this man hasn’t seen her since by the sounds of it, very different.

A child has the right to a relationship with both of their parents. The parents have a responsibility to ensure their child is/feels mentally and physically safe and provided for.
the mother chose to continue with the pregnancy - her responsibility starts there. The father chose to penetrate a woman with his penis knowing there was a chance of pregnancy. His responsibility starts there.

once again, men are being allowed to walk away from their responsibilities with a cheery wave.

I think he doesn't have to be involved but should pay. But in your OP it doesn't sound like she wants him actively involved, she just wants CMS - so I'm not sure what your thread is about really.

As many have said he knew contraception is not 100% and if you don't want to take risks you need to double up. I don't think anyone, man or woman, gets to "just assume" the other is on the pill or had a vasectomy or whatever.

Obviously she has her share of responsibility but her life will also be a LOT more impacted than his. A child will cost her MUCH more than whatever amount he pays, be it in terms of time, of availability for work, of emotional involvement, etc. His life won't change except for the amount he gives her, which usually isn't a lot on CMS calculators.

And yes she gets more choices after the child is conceived, but :

• An abortion can be traumatic and not something everyone feels able to do. It can also sometimes lead to health complications.


• As stated above she will be far more impacted than him so it's fair she gets more say in what happens.


• Someone mentioned adoption. But adoption is a trauma for the child, whose interests should always come first, so it should only happen if neither parent can or want to take care of the child. If the mother had wanted to give up the child and the dad didn't, then SS probably would have given the child to dad (and mom would have had to pay CMS). So it's not just a matter of "Oh, she could have had him adopted and washed her hands of the baby". Not to mention giving up a baby you've carried for 9 months isn't so easy as some seem to think.

Still though, he’s made a baby. He’s responsible for the creation of a new human.

I agree op he shouldnt have to be involved iif he doesnt want to - al this but hes got a child how can he not want to is crap-he might nt feel ready or in another relastionship already

he will have to pay maintenance yes but it is the mothers deicsion to carry on soshe has to live with explaining that toher child

NC for this.

My husband has a child who is 9. He used a condom that was presumed to have failed, it was a friends with benefits type thing.
He made it very clear he did not want a child (was in the middle of a mental health crisis which is still ongoing now).
The woman decided she was going to keep the baby.
4 years later (in front of me and others) she very drunkenly admitted she had put holes in the condom as she was desperate for a baby with him and loves his family so much she wanted a permanent connection.

My husband pays maintenance. He sees his child, however this has been forced upon him due to the family dynamics, the relationship is awful between them.
I can't fathom why you would want to bring a child into that.
So yes I completely agree with the OP

What if the woman makes the decision to carry the baby but also decides she doesn’t want to raise it? Still absolutely fine to walk away?

And the lesson he should have learned, which is completely groundbreaking:

Don’t fuck someone unless you’re prepared to get them pregnant.