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AIBU?

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Original poster

To understand not wanting to be involved

431 replies

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:22

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

OP posts:
JammyThing · 15/05/2022 14:05

LoveSpringDaffs · 15/05/2022 13:55

Do what do you suggest then? Forced contact?? How long for? Hiw woukd it be enforced? His does it benefit the child?

Show quote history

None of those things. If he's not going to step up, he's not going to step up. I get that. Could I (or would I want to) force a man to have contact with his child? No. Do I judge the fuck out of men who walk away from their responsibilities? Hell yes.

I just wish we'd stop giving men a pass for doing shitty things on the basis that they'll do shitty things anyway.

Marty13 · 15/05/2022 14:07

Re contact with dad, I don't think he should be involved in the child's upbringing because :


  • It'd be hard to enforce contact

  • It'd probably not be in the best interest of the child to have contact with an unwilling father

  • He clearly stated from the start he would have no involvement and she chose to continue with this knowledge.


Honestly, you don't say in your OP how she feels re contact but in her place I certainly wouldn't want to have to juggle contact times for 18 years with a near stranger. I say this as a single parent by choice (and no I didn't have a one night stand, I used a sperm bank, specifically because I didn't want some guy to want to be involved further down the line).

Penguinsaregreat · 15/05/2022 14:12

I totally understand this man not wanting contact and you can't force him to parent his child.
Hell, my cousin's husband pissed off after 20 years of marriage, been together 25 years, he refused to pay maintenance and does not see his kids.
I also think this bloke would never admit to not using contraception would he?
Every time a man has sex with a woman he runs the risk of unwanted pregnancy. Condoms are not fail proof. If he didn't want to be in this position then he should have kept his penis away from her. That's the plain and simple truth.

KookaburraSit · 15/05/2022 14:13

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 13:54

Those that think he should raise the child do you think that will benefit the child? Posters who have experienced having absent fathers have said themselves they would rather he disappear than be forced into having contact with a dad they know didn’t want them. Do you think the child would not pick up on this? Seems people want to force him to raise the child as punishment for his mistake rather than because it’s genuinely in the child’s best interest

I think a decent man would take responsibility, be involved and grow to love his child. The man you're describing, however, sounds like a selfish, peevish arsehole, so I agree it's better he not be involved anything more than financially. I'll still judge him for that though and so will others.

Missingindevon · 15/05/2022 14:13

cecilthehungryspider · 15/05/2022 13:47

I wonder how many people who are happy with the idea of the father walking away and wanting nothing to do with the child would feel the same if it were the mother walking away and leaving it with the father to raise alone?

I explained by my personal experience why I feel like it's better then being unwanted and of it was my mother I would feel the same.

LimeSegment · 15/05/2022 14:14

Not sure why you see the worst part as raising a child with "a stranger", surely it's more about the child, not the co parent.

Anyway it's just pointless to say anything to do with pregnancy and birth "isn't fair" to either sex, no it isn't and it never can be. I threw up hundreds of times while pregnant, my DH didn't throw up once. Also I got a 3rd degree tear giving birth, but my DH didn't. How can we make that fair? Should he have to get one too? Fair's fair right?

JammyThing · 15/05/2022 14:14

KookaburraSit · 15/05/2022 14:13

I think a decent man would take responsibility, be involved and grow to love his child. The man you're describing, however, sounds like a selfish, peevish arsehole, so I agree it's better he not be involved anything more than financially. I'll still judge him for that though and so will others.

Show quote history

Totally agree.

mintybobs · 15/05/2022 14:18

LimeSegment · 15/05/2022 14:14

Not sure why you see the worst part as raising a child with "a stranger", surely it's more about the child, not the co parent.

Anyway it's just pointless to say anything to do with pregnancy and birth "isn't fair" to either sex, no it isn't and it never can be. I threw up hundreds of times while pregnant, my DH didn't throw up once. Also I got a 3rd degree tear giving birth, but my DH didn't. How can we make that fair? Should he have to get one too? Fair's fair right?

Agree with everything here. Firstly, life isnt biologically fair is it? Its not "fair" that women bleed every month and have cramps, its not fair women die in childbirth or end up with destroyed pelvic floors or stretch marks is it? yet it still happens.

Life isnt fair- instead of him whining about it, he could take responsibility for having sex and part of the risk of that is unplanned pregnancy.

springbreak22 · 15/05/2022 14:19

Agree with you OP

Some women are absolutely desperate for a baby

springbreak22 · 15/05/2022 14:20

And don't care about the consequences.

Thread on here a few weeks back where the OP 'forgot' to take her pill Hmm

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 14:20

MoonKnight · 15/05/2022 14:00

A child has the right to a relationship with both of their parents. The parents have a responsibility to ensure their child is/feels mentally and physically safe and provided for.
the mother chose to continue with the pregnancy - her responsibility starts there. The father chose to penetrate a woman with his penis knowing there was a chance of pregnancy. His responsibility starts there.

once again, men are being allowed to walk away from their responsibilities with a cheery wave.

Show quote history

Sadly this isn’t true and a child doesn’t have a “right” legally to a relationship with their parents as no court would force a partner to have contact if they didn’t want it as it’s not considered to be in the best interest of the child

OP posts:
2bazookas · 15/05/2022 14:23

he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

It doesn't matter if they used a condom, no condom or a faulty condom, or whether he wants to raise a child or not.

IF DNA proves the child is his, the law says he should support it financially for 18 years.

None of it has anything to do with you.

donchafeellikecrying · 15/05/2022 14:25

@AntBully

What that woman did to your husband is now classified as against the law now isn't it?
And rightly so.

Mellowyellow222 · 15/05/2022 14:30

@CandyApplePie you intrigue me.

you are arguing very strongly that men shouldn’t have to be fathers - emotionally and financially.

what are your circumstances? Was your dad in your life?

I can’t imagine growing up without a dad - I think dads are incredibly important. In the situation you are advocating a child frowns up knowing they were rejected. Unfortunately it is all too common - men (and some women) do give up their children.

I suppose women can sign over their parental rights and give their child up for adoption. Your argument is men should also be able to do this. But the reason a woman does this is usually in the best interests of the child - in your example the man doesn’t want to have to get to know the child’s mother.

I am fascinated by the life experiences that have led you to this position

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 14:30

AntBully · 15/05/2022 14:03

NC for this.

My husband has a child who is 9. He used a condom that was presumed to have failed, it was a friends with benefits type thing.
He made it very clear he did not want a child (was in the middle of a mental health crisis which is still ongoing now).
The woman decided she was going to keep the baby.
4 years later (in front of me and others) she very drunkenly admitted she had put holes in the condom as she was desperate for a baby with him and loves his family so much she wanted a permanent connection.

My husband pays maintenance. He sees his child, however this has been forced upon him due to the family dynamics, the relationship is awful between them.
I can't fathom why you would want to bring a child into that.
So yes I completely agree with the OP

That’s awful. Unfortunately people on here will still blame him as he shouldn’t have sex unless he wants a baby obviously 🙄😏

wouldn’t say the same about a woman having an abortion though would they?

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 14:31

Mellowyellow222 · 15/05/2022 14:30

@CandyApplePie you intrigue me.

you are arguing very strongly that men shouldn’t have to be fathers - emotionally and financially.

what are your circumstances? Was your dad in your life?

I can’t imagine growing up without a dad - I think dads are incredibly important. In the situation you are advocating a child frowns up knowing they were rejected. Unfortunately it is all too common - men (and some women) do give up their children.

I suppose women can sign over their parental rights and give their child up for adoption. Your argument is men should also be able to do this. But the reason a woman does this is usually in the best interests of the child - in your example the man doesn’t want to have to get to know the child’s mother.

I am fascinated by the life experiences that have led you to this position

I think he should contribute financially if the child is proven to be his. I just don’t think anyone man or woman should be forced to raise a child if they don’t want to.

OP posts:
AntBully · 15/05/2022 14:32

@donchafeellikecrying I didn't know this. She's just the worst and I'm sure their child will find out the truth eventually which is another reason as to why this was awful.

Mellowyellow222 · 15/05/2022 14:35

@AntBully I hope your husband is in therapy.

it sounds like he is damaging a very young child: if you mean the relationship is awful between your husband and his nine year old child then someone needs to intervene.

I am sorry your husband is having mental health issues - and this woman sounds awful - but there is a child involved here.

is your husbands access supervised? Poor kid.

RealBecca · 15/05/2022 14:37

Pointless all round debate. Condoms aren't 100% effective. DNA test will prove ine way or another.

I think he is responsible for a child whether he wants one or not. Abstinence is his only guarantee. Hers is abstinence or abortion. I get it into fair that he cant have an abortion. But that's biology. But if the child is his then he needs to step up.

RealBecca · 15/05/2022 14:38

I think if it is his hen he is fucking selfish not to put a child over his own wants. The child is a real person who deserves real support, whether he agrees the mother should have kept the baby or not there is a real child in this. He needs to focus on what's in his control.

vivainsomnia · 15/05/2022 14:40

Do I judge the fuck out of men who walk away from their responsibilities? Hell yes
Do you judge women the same? Who have sex and don't protect themselves and go on to have an abortion? Is this being responsible, especially for those who go on to have more than one?

There are many thousands performed in the UK through choice. That mean many pregnancy, unplanned, in the vast majority due to lack of protection, who women move away from by removing the problem.

Why do men who do the same get a bashing but it's ok for women?

The reality is that one has a choice, the other doesn't. Many people of both sexes act irresponsible. That includes women who are actually happy to find out their are pregnant as that's what they hoped for and don't care one bit about how the guy feels about it.

JammyThing · 15/05/2022 14:45

vivainsomnia · 15/05/2022 14:40

Do I judge the fuck out of men who walk away from their responsibilities? Hell yes
Do you judge women the same? Who have sex and don't protect themselves and go on to have an abortion? Is this being responsible, especially for those who go on to have more than one?

There are many thousands performed in the UK through choice. That mean many pregnancy, unplanned, in the vast majority due to lack of protection, who women move away from by removing the problem.

Why do men who do the same get a bashing but it's ok for women?

The reality is that one has a choice, the other doesn't. Many people of both sexes act irresponsible. That includes women who are actually happy to find out their are pregnant as that's what they hoped for and don't care one bit about how the guy feels about it.

"Why do men get a bashing but it's okay for women?"

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yeah. Poor men, always being judged so much more harshly than women. Nightmare for them.

Pumperthepumper · 15/05/2022 14:57

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 14:30

That’s awful. Unfortunately people on here will still blame him as he shouldn’t have sex unless he wants a baby obviously 🙄😏

wouldn’t say the same about a woman having an abortion though would they?

Show quote history

A woman having an abortion is her choosing what happens to her body!

A man choosing to have sex knowing it could do something to someone else’s body is exactly the difference - it’s exactly the reason why those two things aren’t comparable. They’re not opposite sides of the same coin!

Pumperthepumper · 15/05/2022 14:58

vivainsomnia · 15/05/2022 14:40

Do I judge the fuck out of men who walk away from their responsibilities? Hell yes
Do you judge women the same? Who have sex and don't protect themselves and go on to have an abortion? Is this being responsible, especially for those who go on to have more than one?

There are many thousands performed in the UK through choice. That mean many pregnancy, unplanned, in the vast majority due to lack of protection, who women move away from by removing the problem.

Why do men who do the same get a bashing but it's ok for women?

The reality is that one has a choice, the other doesn't. Many people of both sexes act irresponsible. That includes women who are actually happy to find out their are pregnant as that's what they hoped for and don't care one bit about how the guy feels about it.

Men can’t have abortions though! So how can you compare the two?

balboaconstrictor · 15/05/2022 14:58

Pro-lifers I know aren't against birth control. I'm sure some are, but I don't think it's all that common, these days.

Everyone knows, or should know, that bother control fails from time to time, and not all women are willing to have an abortion if conception occurs unexpectedly. So yes, when you have sex you risk pregnancy. Don't have sex with someone if you can't accept that risk.

I can understand being unhappy at the thought of being linked to a stranger by a child you weren't expecting, but it doesn't make you a good person, imo, to pretend the child doesn't exist. It's selfish and immature.

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