To understand not wanting to be involved

[CandyApplePie]

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

If you walk away from a child that you've created regardless of the circumstances you are morally bankrupt and I wouldn't be able to stay friends with someone who did that. But we all have our own standards.

A woman can have an abortion or adopt the baby if she doesn’t want to have a child, no one would judge her for it though

Sorry? Is this a typo?

I don't think you're morally bankrupt as long as you're financially responsible for the child.

Some people would be terrible parents. In that case, I think it's actually more moral to opt out of parenting before the child is born (gives the child a chance to acquire a better replacement parent) and just provide funding.

Nevertheless, that child is here and if they turn out to be his, he SHOULD be involved, regardless of his wishes. That child did not choose to be born.

in what way?? So you think a man should be forced to raise the child? How will that benefit the child being around someone who wants nothing to do with you? Despises you even. Just wondering how people think that will be in the best interest of the child

I agree with you, yes he needs to pay up but I can understand why he wouldn't want to be involved. We should all be careful who we sleep with and think of the consequences

He should pay, but if he doesn't want to be involved emotionally that's his call

Yep I agree - if it was the other way around, and it was the woman not wanting the baby there would be no questions asked. The majority of people wouldn't want to raise a baby with a stranger and he was clear about this from the outset.

From the post he was self employed so she will probably get nothing off him anyway. She openly admitted she knows nothing about him, I just can’t understand wanting to raise a baby with a stranger.

I don't think it should be legally enforceable to make him be involved (apart from financially), but I wouldn't want to be around this bloke who isn't prepared to do anything but what's legally required for the child he fathered.
And I don't give a shit if it's not fair because the poor bloke didn't choose to have the kid. Women have been denied choices by their biology for millenia and still are today. I'll save my sympathy for them rather then the bloke who can walk away whenever he wants but a few people might judge him.

But he won't be forced. I wouldn't waste too much sympathy on this guy, men who are in committed relationships walk away from their much wanted children every day without a backward glance, so a 'stranger' walking away is hardly noteworthy.

He should have to pay though. My GS father claims he's unemployed so pays £6 per week - putting aside the fact that he isn't unemployed, he's just a lying fucker, how is that even allowed? A mother claiming benefits would be hounded to get a job, there should be a reasonable minimum amount they should pay - if their job doesn't cover it then get another/additional job. Paying a reduced sum shouldn't be an option.

Men get to work away from their responsibilities every single day so discussing how 'unfair' they have it on a site predominantly for women jars a bit. They're doing just fine!

Tough though.

no one is talking about the child here.

so a child grows up without a father, with all the emotional baggage that brings, because an adult didn’t want to get to know a woman he had a one night stand with?

how bloody selfish.

* I raised this comment about "every time an adult has sex they risk pregnancy" about women's access to contraceptives in the us and was flamed for it. Unless there is one rule for men and one for women. Just like there is in the lack of provision for men of contraceptive choices

Women risk disability and even death from pregnancy and giving birth.
All a man risks is having to pay for his child.

She chose to keep it knowing he wouldn’t be involved so she is just as responsible for that

As long as he pays then he has fulfilled his very basic requirements .I wonder if when the child grows up, how will he feel about a father not interested in his welfare ? He seems very selfish to me .However the Mum will probably be better off raising the DC alone .

It’s not unfair as such I’m more confused by the fact women are saying how can he walk away, babies are the most amazing thing that can happen to you, what really? With a stranger? It’s like keeping the baby assuming he will change his mind and want to be involved once the baby is born then being surprised that isn’t the case.

Condoms can and do fail. Any male who absolutely does not want to create a child has 2 choices. Either have the snip or refrain from sex. That's only cast iron guarantee

Yeah, I just don't get the token payment concept. If a woman lost her job, she'd have to find a way to support her child. She couldn't just reduce her childcare costs to a fiver because they, well, cost more than that.

Why do we make so easy for the non-resident parent to just opt out of paying enough money for the child to live? Yes, it's difficult paying for a child when you've lost your job. But when you're responsible for a child, you find a way...

The next question to that is why would someone who couldn't have an abortion have unprotected sex?

The OP doesn't mention rape, th woman in question choose to have unprotected sex and have a by with a ONS, she's unreasonle to expect him to be emotionally involved imo

Some people really do believe babies are the most amazing thing ever. Especially pregnant women, because from a survival POV, the hormones going through their body need to make them think babies are amazing so they protect the baby inside them at all costs.

And for some reason, us women tend to be quite hopeful. Its comes down to the time old saying of 'When a man tells you who he is, listen.' We often just stick our fingers in our ears. This man has told her what he is. She's not listening.

She’s openly saying they didn’t use a condom, why you would sleep with a ONS without a condom is mad imo so I’m surprised people feel sympathy for her she made a choice to have a child knowing the father won’t be involved, how is that not selfish to the child? He says they did use one and he has self respect and doesn’t sleep with ONS without a condom, whether he is lying who knows but someone who sleeps with a one night stand without a condom obviously isn’t fussed about getting pregnant

That is a cold, callous view to have. I'd go so far as to say it actually disgusts me. As if a child is worth less depending on who it's father is. Guess what? It's the mother's child too. And most women are capable of loving and protecting their own children. The thing you're saying here in not so many words is that you dislike women maybe from a lower social class to yours, having rights and doing what they want with their own bodies. Vile. Vile. Vile.

I think if a woman point blank wouldn't get an abortion in any circumstances, she needs to make that clear upfront.

An abortion isn't easy, even when it's the sensible thing to do. But if you won't even entertain the idea, the man should be warned, so he knows that if the contraception fails (and there's always a risk of that), he's definitely fathering a child, not maybe fathering one.

And for the record, one says there was a condom, one says there wasn't. A pregnancy occurred. Hardly rocket science to figure out who's lying. But again, you dislike women.

Maybe because they want their child FancyPaints

Could be someone else’s? That’s what he is saying anyway why is the woman’s word always taken as the truth?