To understand not wanting to be involved

[CandyApplePie]

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

If you choose to have sex, regardless of contraception usage or not, you should do so accepting the potential risk that this will lead to the creation of a life. If you don't accept that then tbh shouldn't be having sex.

In this country if you choose to have sex and a pregnancy results then you also have to accept that the pregnant woman is the one in control. She chooses whether to continue or end the pregnancy. He has to accept regardless of her choices he has no sway and that this may result in his child being born and maintenance pursued as well.

In this scenario, he chose to have a ONS and now has a child. Not ideal. But he is a truly shitty person for not seeing beyond the woman and not recognising that it is HIS CHILD who is being punished and missing out. And only the child is innocent in this.

Any man who chooses not to be involved in their child's life in some capacity is a truly crappy person, not worthy of any supposed "sympathy". And these men most definitely should be pursued for maintenance.

Not many people set out wanting to have a child with a stranger.
Many end up in the situation where this is a consequence of their actions.

I personally think you take the risk of producing a child everytime you have sex. I find it really disgusting tbh that a man would turn his back on his own child regardless of his/her conception. Even if you are honest from the get go and pay up, how could you just not have any interest in the child?
Like to me it’s pretty fucked up to let a child grow up thinking their parent wanted nothing to do with them. If you aren’t prepared to step up then you have no business having sex. There is always a chance even with contraception- to not take responsibility is extremely selfish.

A single mother who loses her job is eligible for benefits to support her and her child. A non resident dad who’s unemployed will get some support but nothing towards the costs of their child.

There was no protection used she says, if a man doesn’t use any then he is told he must have wanted a kid.

@CandyApplePie we all have our own core morals and values.

unless You are playing devils advocate here, I can’t say I have any respect for your value system.

di You have children? How would you feel if this was your grandchild?

These threads occur fairly regularly on here; women discussing how we can make pregnancy/child-rearing much more favourable towards men - I genuinely don't understand it.

From my experience men typically have a good deal where kids are concerned - they can choose whether to be involved from the beginning, hell, they can even choose not to be involved years after the child is born - they get away with paying the bare minimum for their children, they have no worries about childcare - they aren't hounded to get a job/a better paid role to support their offspring. They can leave their families, set up with a new family and legitimately pay less for their 'first' children

They don't have it so bad, so why the constant discussions to make it even more in their favour?

If this man doesn't want to raise his child no-one will force him - fuck, women will even start threads on mumsnet to defend him, I don't think you need to worry about him.

Yes I have children.

so you are surprised a man who didn’t want a kid with a stranger also doesn’t want to raise it?

Absolutely I am pro choice on abortion (Indeed I would liberalise it further) but the more I see men's choices around sex and father hood being eroded (especially on here) the more I am warming to the republican party. I still believe in choice women should be free to choose and men should be free to not contribute too.

God what does it take for some people to understand that the woman gets lumped with the consequences either way!!! Having an abortion is not free of consequence, it comes with risks (to the woman!!) emotionally, mentally, physically, not to mention the fact that it can impact on future fertility. Irrespective of whether the pregnancy is wanted or not, neither abortion nor having a child is is a decision anyone takes lightly. I also doubt anyone in this woman’s position would in an ideal world choose to have a child to a father who does not want it. She has clearly decided that having the child is the lesser of two evils for her and that choice should be upheld and respected!! As for the man of course he should bloody pay!!! I agree it’s his choice to choose not to be involved if he so wishes, but as far as I’m concerned that’s where his wishes start and end and rightly so!!!

How many times have we seen on mumsnet a couple who plan to TTC fall pregnant and for the man to than change his mind. In such a situation what would you suggest then? Should he just be able to walk away, financially too from a child he agreed to create just because he changed his mind??!!

The mind absolutely boggles that so many WOMEN seem to be quiet happy to shoot themselves and other women in the foot in the name of mens rights!!! They get plenty of rights, they don’t need any more especially in regards to what women do with their bodies. They all know good and well the possible consequences of having sex, even if that sex is protected, and yet they were still willing to go ahead anyway. You get the pleasure and the privilege you get the responsibility!!!

If it was the other way round and I fell pregnant from a ons I wouldn’t keep it because I won’t want to be tied to a stranger so why is it different for a man?

How many of you on here who think he is awful would keep a baby from a ONS? As many times on here I see women advised to abort a pregnancy if it’s from a very early relationship never mind a one time thing

Is he on the birth certificate? I think it's a bit rich if he isn't to then expect him to be involved both financially and physically

If you have sex with a stranger there's a decent chance you're gonna have a child with a stranger - why is that so hard to understand?

she said he is not but he doesn’t want to be

@CandyApplePie

I wouldn't personally. I'd be too embarrassed but not only that I thinks it's incredibly selfish and ignoring the wants and needs of the child. Just because she doesn't want or need a father for her child doesn't mean her child doesn't want or need a father

Choosing to have an abortion or put a child up for adoption is not a simple choice she can just take lightly.

so him saying I’m choosing to not be involved (with a child that will be loved and cared for)
is not the same decision she is making. Her decisions ‘to be involved or not’ is choosing to terminate the pregnancy (something many people are extremely against for ethical reasons or for many other reasons)
Or her choosing to hand the baby over to the authorities and basically hope for the best. A decision some people will feel very uncomfortable about.

for that reason why should she shoulder that decision or the financial burden of a choice they both made.

regardless of all of that non of this is that child’s fault. So the guy is pretty self centred if all he is thinking about is himself and what an inconvenience that child’s life may be to him.

and to the people saying no one would care if the woman chose not to be involved in the child’s life…I’ve truly got no idea what you’re talking about since all around the world women’s bodies are policed, and access to birth control and abortions are restricted.

op I’ve also got no idea why you’re saying the woman didn’t use a condom so she chose to have this baby but that isn’t apparently the case for the man, who also didn’t use a condom (in this version of the truth you’re referring to) but somehow it’s not his choice.
op are you really a man who has gotten someone pregnant? That’s how your posts read

In this case I am with the OP. He made it clear he did not want to be a father to her child. She made the choice to have the baby and as a consequence he will be financially responsible for this child for the next 18 years, this is a high price to pay for a random meaningless sexual encounter.

If for a moment we believe that she was not on birth control and he did not use a condom, why would she not go straight to the chemist to take the morning after pill?

Eh, the principle is still the same- having sex with someone you dont know could lead to pregnancy. If you dont want to raise a child with a stranger then dont have sex with strangers lol- no protection is 100% effective

The woman is wrong to force contact and a relationship with the child. A clean break is better for the child. The child will never know any different. That is far better than forcing a relationship with someone who even if they go along with it first, will almost definitely disappear.
This is far more damaging to a child then never having that relationship to begin with.

A pregnancy does not mean that you must force the other parent to be involved. If you decide to keep it then you should also be prepared to be a lone parent, not a single parent but a lone parent.

And yes I do have children and yes I have experienced this, not a ons but a shortlived relationship in my late teens, where the day I told him I was pregnant he walked away.

Morning after pill has horrific side effects and not all women can take hormonal birth control due to medical reasons.

I would keep a baby from a ons. I don’t want a termination and am financially stable so can’t justify termination against my own feelings. The man may not want to support the baby but he took the risk and lost out so he has a moral obligation to that dc, who is entirely innocent. It clearly wasn’t this man’s plan but life rarely goes to plan so time for him to make a new one.

She made the choice to have the baby and as a consequence he will be financially responsible for this child for the next 18 years, this is a high price to pay for a random meaningless sexual encounter

High price to pay? It's a pretty normal price to pay. Have sex= risk of pregnancy.

Because your voice isn’t representative of all women and their choices.
because the man does not have to face the consequences of an abortion
because paying the min CMS and seeing a child for 2-4 days in a month for EOW dads, isn’t the same as the responsibility that statistically falls to the mother.

The woman is wrong to force contact and a relationship with the child

How is she forcing it? All the man has to do is set up a standing order to her bank account and think no more of it. He can just disappear, doesn't need to have anything to do with the woman or his child other than pay.

If a woman posted on here saying she was pregnant from a ONs you would all be telling her to have an abortion, ive seen it on here, you would be advising her how awful it would be to be tied to a stranger