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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To understand not wanting to be involved

431 replies

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:22

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 15/05/2022 13:12

My one time use of the morning after pill turns 22 soon

Baileysoncereal · 15/05/2022 13:13

What a depressing thread

BobLep0nge · 15/05/2022 13:13

If a woman posted on here saying she was pregnant from a ONs you would all be telling her to have an abortion, ive seen it on here, you would be advising her how awful it would be to be tied to a stranger

Are you the man?

Baileysoncereal · 15/05/2022 13:14

Op is definitely either the man
the mother of the man
or the new gf of the man

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 13:16

Nope not connected at all and I’m not the only one on this thread that can understand the mans point of view clearly.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 15/05/2022 13:18

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 13:01

Yes I have children.

so you are surprised a man who didn’t want a kid with a stranger also doesn’t want to raise it?

Of course not - you are being ridiculous.

but in life we often do things we don’t want to do!

you are being deliberately evocative by arguing that a man should be able to walk away from a child and take no emotional or financial responsibility because that child was conceived through a one night stand.

yes a woman can have an abortion if she chooses - and the man has no say. That is life - a man should not be able to force a woman to have an abortion. I nicer want to live in a world where he can.

so if the woman chooses to have the baby then the man becomes a father. At that point it stops becoming about what the parents want and starts becoming about what is best for the child. It doesn’t matter how the child was conceived, the man is a dad. Yes he can chose to be a dead beat dad and leave his child with the emotional scars of that. Or he can step up.

but most decent people would agree that walking away from your child because you don’t want to have to get to know the other parent is shallow and selfish.

GenderAtheist · 15/05/2022 13:19

Ifailed · 15/05/2022 12:04

If a man doesn't want a child he either abstains from any contact with a women where sperm might get into her vagina or he has a vasectomy.
If he goes round copulating during one night stands he has to accept the risk, and responsibility, that he may father a child.

This.

if he’s old enough to have sex then he’s old enough to know that sex can make a baby.

Mellowyellow222 · 15/05/2022 13:19

That should have been I don’t want to live in a world where he can!

ZenNudist · 15/05/2022 13:22

Whatever happened to men doing the right thing and women having bodily autonomy?

Reversible vasectomies are available but our patriarchal society puts all the responsibility for contraception on to women even though the pill and condoms are well known to fail.

He chose to not have a vasectomy, relied on a known ineffective barrier method whilst having sex with a stranger. Needs to own his own reproductive choices and stop blaming the woman.

Abortion is not easy for some women. I've never wanted to have one. I couldn't carry a baby to term then have it adopted either. A vasectomy would have saved such heartache.

lemmein · 15/05/2022 13:22

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 13:16

Nope not connected at all and I’m not the only one on this thread that can understand the mans point of view clearly.

Oh, you're far from the only woman (I assume?) to cheerlead for deadbeat dads - this site is full of them.

It's not about his or her rights - it's about the child's best interest. One a child is conceived how it gets here is completely irrelevant, it needs caring/paying for. I don't think men parents should be forced to be involved in a caring capacity, that's not in the child's best interest, no child benefits from having someone in their lives that doesn't want to be there. They should 100% be forced to pay though. I don't care about the rights/wrongs of the conception, I care about the resulting child.

Joessaysthankyou · 15/05/2022 13:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ChoiceMummy · 15/05/2022 13:27

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 12:59

There was no protection used she says, if a man doesn’t use any then he is told he must have wanted a kid.

Show quote history

He chose to not use a condom. He chose to accept the risk in the same way she has.

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 15/05/2022 13:28

My DH is the child of a man who wasn’t interested & refused to acknowledge him. DH mother was in a relationship with him so it wasn’t a ONS but it was only a short term thing. He paid nothing towards DH upbringing but this was in the 70s when there was no CSA

PP have said the child wouldn’t know so wouldn’t be affected but of course the child ends up knowing. We are frequently asked about our medical history for example, DH can only say about one side of his family heritage

the rejection has affected him emotionally though that maybe because of how it was handled in his family

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 15/05/2022 13:30

I'm a big pro choice advocate but I do believe a man should be able to walk away if he doesn't want the child, and has made that clear when the pregnancy was discovered. No one should force another to be a parent.

donchafeellikecrying · 15/05/2022 13:30

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 13:16

Nope not connected at all and I’m not the only one on this thread that can understand the mans point of view clearly.

I think it's because generally on MN the woman's viewpoint is sacrosanct and certainly takes precedence over a man's. Especially what is upheld as a woman's right to have a child no matter the cost hence you see loads of posts encouraging single women to go it alone when it comes to having a baby. You also see that day in day out with some of the horrendous double standards on MN.

BobLep0nge · 15/05/2022 13:32

Especially what is upheld as a woman's right to have a child no matter the cost

You'd prefer it if a woman didn't have a right to continue a pregnancy if she wants?Confused

Staynow · 15/05/2022 13:32

I think it's sad to not want anything to do with your own child no matter how they were conceived, it's not the child's fault. He chose to have a ONS no one made him, contraception is not 100% so that's the chance you take. I understand completely that he doesn't want to be tied to a stranger but then he shouldn't have put his dick in one should he? He can't be made to care for his child or be involved but if I knew I had a child out there I would do everything I could for them no matter how they were conceived.

I wouldn't tell anyone they should or shouldn't have an abortion, that's not anyone's choice but the person who is pregnant. I've never seen anyone on here told to have an abortion to avoid being tied to a stranger, I've repeatedly seen people told not to name the father on the BC, but not told to have an abortion.

Would I want to be tied to a stranger with a baby after a ONS? No. That's why I've never had a ONS - because if it happens it's the woman who's left with all the difficult choices of having an abortion (not sure if I could do it, what if I never had another chance to have a child etc) or to bring up the child while the father can just walk away.

Missingindevon · 15/05/2022 13:32

My father decided when I was 4 that he didn't want anything to do with me and I have not seen or heard from him since, yeah it hurts knowing that I'm not wanted by my father so much so that he has never paid anything towards my upbringing or me being able to know who my relatives are.

But how much more would it hurt knowing I'm unwanted whilst being forced into awkward visits and who knows but possibly some sort of abuse due to being unwanted. When he did see me he was often late or didn't turn up at all.

Yes men should support their children financially but forced interaction is a bad idea, however I believe along with maintenance a family tree and medical information should be passed on although I guess this breaches privacy.

Missingindevon · 15/05/2022 13:34

My father was a man my mother had a very short relationship with and I was conceived basically through a ons and conception failure.

Missingindevon · 15/05/2022 13:34

*contraception

TheAverageUser · 15/05/2022 13:35

Not a popular view but they both had a decision to make. She decided to keep the baby and he can decide not to be in their life. He needs to pay maintenance but I don't agree that he should be forced to be a father.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 13:35

donchafeellikecrying · 15/05/2022 13:30

I think it's because generally on MN the woman's viewpoint is sacrosanct and certainly takes precedence over a man's. Especially what is upheld as a woman's right to have a child no matter the cost hence you see loads of posts encouraging single women to go it alone when it comes to having a baby. You also see that day in day out with some of the horrendous double standards on MN.

Show quote history

Yes exactly, I just knew people would say I’m the man/ I must be his girlfriend; nope, I seen it on another group I’m on and thought it was an interesting debate as I myself would not want to continue with a pregnancy from a ONs so I can see why a man wouldn’t want to be part of the child’s life, I don’t feel sorry for the man I just understand why he would feel that way, she openly admits she knows nothing about him and has had to google him for information, I’m not saying anyone should have an abortion but I can understand not wanting to be involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 13:36

ChoiceMummy · 15/05/2022 13:27

He chose to not use a condom. He chose to accept the risk in the same way she has.

Show quote history

He said they did use one ive already said both are saying two different things!

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 13:37

lemmein · 15/05/2022 13:22

Oh, you're far from the only woman (I assume?) to cheerlead for deadbeat dads - this site is full of them.

It's not about his or her rights - it's about the child's best interest. One a child is conceived how it gets here is completely irrelevant, it needs caring/paying for. I don't think men parents should be forced to be involved in a caring capacity, that's not in the child's best interest, no child benefits from having someone in their lives that doesn't want to be there. They should 100% be forced to pay though. I don't care about the rights/wrongs of the conception, I care about the resulting child.

Show quote history

I never said they shouldn’t pay I think they should and it’s the law anyway I was debating that side of things

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 15/05/2022 13:38

All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives?

For most decent men, the desire to not abandon a human they’ve created would override the desire to escape this stranger. Also they wouldn’t exactly be a stranger for their whole lives would they? Plenty of people parent successfully with people they’ve not known long, most of these men don’t even give it a proper try.

Yes a woman can give a baby up for adoption but of course they would be judged by some just as a man is, because it’s not a natural thing to do, it’s pretty rare! I can see why men do walk away but it’s certainly not ‘right’ to do it.