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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To understand not wanting to be involved

431 replies

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:22

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 19:59

The argument seems to have stemmed from the fact she told he she wouldn’t go to cms and now has, her right to change her mind like I said I have no feelings on that and agree the with the law that he should pay it if it’s his...

I wouldn’t want any contact with someone who spoke to me like this and I certainly wouldn’t want him seeing my child when he clearly dislikes me so much, can’t understand why people think this is a good idea other than to punish him.

To understand not wanting to be involved
OP posts:
Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 19:59

Him* not he 🙄

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 20:01

CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 19:59

The argument seems to have stemmed from the fact she told he she wouldn’t go to cms and now has, her right to change her mind like I said I have no feelings on that and agree the with the law that he should pay it if it’s his...

I wouldn’t want any contact with someone who spoke to me like this and I certainly wouldn’t want him seeing my child when he clearly dislikes me so much, can’t understand why people think this is a good idea other than to punish him.

Has anyone said it’s a good idea?

pixie5121 · 17/05/2022 20:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 20:05

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 20:01

Has anyone said it’s a good idea?

Show quote history

You want him to be forced to bring up the child though, why when he clearly doesn’t want anything to do with the child, other than to punish him why would you want to force someone to parent a child who obviously won’t care for them.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

You think it’s normal to make children and then abandon them?

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 20:10

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 20:05

You think it’s normal to make children and then abandon them?

Show quote history

It’s not particularly uncommon throughout human history, or indeed across the modern day world.

Roastonsun8 · 17/05/2022 20:16

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:35

He said he used a condom though so he isn’t admitting to not using one (whether he did or not no one knows but the two of them) I guess women have choices not to continue if they don’t want a baby where as the man doesn’t so if you decide to continue knowing they don’t want to be involved it can’t really be a surprised when they want no involvement?

I noticed in your post you haven't put that NEITHER part should of been having a ONS.... in the first place! That's what's created this mess.

To be Frank OP the man doesn't get the luxury of dictating weather the woman has an abortion or not because he is not the one carrying the baby!

What are you implying? That because he doesn't want involvement that the woman should automatically abortion?

He made the child (if it is his) well its tough!

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 20:16

I just looked up the stats on Guttmacher. 121 million unintended pregnancies happened yearly between 2015 and 2019, with 60% of those ending in abortion.

Clearly, it’s incredibly common for people to conceive children they don’t want. Is it a good thing? No, but the reality is that it happens.

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 21:09

CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 20:05

You want him to be forced to bring up the child though, why when he clearly doesn’t want anything to do with the child, other than to punish him why would you want to force someone to parent a child who obviously won’t care for them.

Show quote history

No I don’t. I want him to not have made the child in the first place.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 21:10

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 21:09

No I don’t. I want him to not have made the child in the first place.

Show quote history

Could say the same to women who chose not to keep children....

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 21:18

CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 21:10

Could say the same to women who chose not to keep children....

Show quote history

How do you mean?

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 21:29

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 21:09

No I don’t. I want him to not have made the child in the first place.

Show quote history

Well sure, in an ideal world no one would produce a child they didn’t want.

That’s not the world we live in though.

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 21:33

No. But so long as we have people saying ‘men should be able to walk away, they just want to have fun, poor things!’ men will keep making babies they have no intention of looking after.

CounsellorTroi · 17/05/2022 21:51

A woman shouldn't let a stranger ejaculate into her vagina, or even using a condom given the risk of failure, if she's not prepared to have a termination or raise a child alone.

Momicrone · 17/05/2022 21:55

So women should remain celibate despite all the different methods of birth control?

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 21:58

CounsellorTroi · 17/05/2022 21:51

A woman shouldn't let a stranger ejaculate into her vagina, or even using a condom given the risk of failure, if she's not prepared to have a termination or raise a child alone.

How should she stop him?

CounsellorTroi · 17/05/2022 21:59

Momicrone · 17/05/2022 21:55

So women should remain celibate despite all the different methods of birth control?

That's what we say about men isn't it, that they should abstain or get the snip if they don't want to risk becoming a father?

Momicrone · 17/05/2022 22:01

if precautions have been taken, it is not what I say about men, but yes the greatest risk is taken by the woman

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 22:03

CounsellorTroi · 17/05/2022 21:59

That's what we say about men isn't it, that they should abstain or get the snip if they don't want to risk becoming a father?

Show quote history

Yes - if men don’t want to have babies, they could abstain, get the snip or ejaculate anywhere other than the vagina.

But your post said that was women’s responsibility?

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 22:08

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 21:33

No. But so long as we have people saying ‘men should be able to walk away, they just want to have fun, poor things!’ men will keep making babies they have no intention of looking after.

Men (and women when they lack other options) will walk away from unwanted children whether wider society approves or not. They always have done.

CounsellorTroi · 17/05/2022 22:09

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 22:03

Yes - if men don’t want to have babies, they could abstain, get the snip or ejaculate anywhere other than the vagina.

But your post said that was women’s responsibility?

Show quote history

It is at least in part her responsibility, do not get pregnant if she doesn't want a child? Or do you think it isn't?

pixie5121 · 17/05/2022 22:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 17/05/2022 22:15

No, I wouldn't want be tied to a ons either

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 22:19

CounsellorTroi · 17/05/2022 22:09

It is at least in part her responsibility, do not get pregnant if she doesn't want a child? Or do you think it isn't?

Show quote history

I think women have an option (abortion) that men don’t. So if a women gets pregnant, she has further choices. Men don’t, so therefore should be being a lot more careful about where they deposit sperm.

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