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Original poster

Shut down rude colleague

183 replies

PluralForBell · 15/05/2022 07:36

There is someone at work who constantly comes to me to tell me something negative about my work or about me as a person. She is a lot older than me and extremely domineering and confident, she rules the roost.

The thing she says sometimes have a tiny teeny bit of truth to them but she uses any perceived weaknesses to weaponise it to undermine my confidence and doubt myself.

She is not in my team so can't speak to LM.

I am focusing on my job and am quite good at it based on feedback. I think this woman doesn't like me or feels threatened IDK.

How can I breezily shut her flow of negative comments up while remaining polite and professional?

It's not even so much what she says she just comes to make underhand remarks then leaves again, like spreading her daily poison.

Annoyingly, this stresses me and makes me doubt myself.

How do I remain confident with this co worker but make her daily approaches stop?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 15/05/2022 07:38

What sort of thing does she say?

girlmom21 · 15/05/2022 07:39

You can speak to your LM and ask them to resolve it with hers.

I think the way you shut her down depends on the industry you're in really. There are things you can get away with in certain workplaces that would be frowned upon in others.

A cheery "thank you for your input" every time will shut her up eventually.

daisychain01 · 15/05/2022 07:39

"thank you for your feedback"

said on repeat, then go back to looking at your screen

Morechocmorechoc · 15/05/2022 07:43

Pick up your phone and start talking every time she come over.

SummerWhisper · 15/05/2022 07:47

"Ah, you again..." then smile and carry on working and not listening. Obviously you need a level of confidence to take this approach.

Alternatively, "if that's your perception, would you like to take it up with my line manager?"

WhatsErFace2020 · 15/05/2022 07:53

thanks for your feedback. Do you mind putting that in an email to me please, and I’ll take a look at it for you. EVERY TIME.

this way you have evidence should you ever need it...

MRex · 15/05/2022 07:56

Some people get aggressive if their own insecurities make them feel threatened. The best approach is to inform HR of a sample of the unnecessary rude comments and ask them to stop her from bullying you. Then leave it with them.

coffeewithmilk · 15/05/2022 07:59

WhatsErFace2020 · 15/05/2022 07:53

thanks for your feedback. Do you mind putting that in an email to me please, and I’ll take a look at it for you. EVERY TIME.

this way you have evidence should you ever need it...

This 100%
I had an issue with someone at work and I had everything in an email and went to HR.
Without it, the woman would have made me out to be a liar

Penhaligon · 15/05/2022 07:59

"Oh dear, not again..."

Blowyourowntrumpet · 15/05/2022 08:03

What kind of things is she saying? Examples would be useful

Bretonbear · 15/05/2022 08:08

Agree. Ask them to note down all their feedback in an email to you and say you will then forward it on to HR and Training.

Halsie · 15/05/2022 08:13

"What a strange thing to say"

Then immediately start doing your own work and dont engage further.

Crocsandshocks · 15/05/2022 08:16

"sorry, I am very busy. Please write that in an email"

nomistake · 15/05/2022 08:16

'You're back again, I see' as she comes over. Call her out on it and make her feel uncomfortable for doing it

Original poster
PluralForBell · 15/05/2022 08:33

These are all very useful and strike the right one, thank you.

I would never be confrontational but have noticed that I am getting tense every time she makes a beeline for me.

On Friday morning after I delivered a presentation to the department, which I had worked on really hard and, which received a lot of praise from senior colleagues (I am junior) including her team Afterwards, she asked me a question and when I replied she said in a bemused tone, "you are quite the big-headed one aren't you?"

She also told me that I must be spending all my salary on eating out when she overheard me tell a colleague that I was meeting friends for dinner. I don't feel I can go to HR with it as it's all so petty. If it was a comments every now and agin, it wouldn't bother me at all, it's daily. It feel like she intends to put me in my place.

I think that I can shake her off but needed some go-to phrases that subtly signal I am not engaging with her and I am not rattled (I am rattled though).

OP posts:
Original poster
PluralForBell · 15/05/2022 08:33

'and strike the right tone'

OP posts:
Hurstlandshome · 15/05/2022 08:34

Unless you genuinely do make mistakes that affect her workflow, she is undoubtably threatened by you in some way.
Agree with those suggesting email. I'd say 'thanks for your feedback, I'm working on my development at the moment - could you please pop it into an email for me'. I very much doubt she'll email you, but it will make her reflect on what she's saying.

Feedback is only a gift if it's well meaning, if she's using it to belittle you/make you uncomfortable then it's a problem. Ultimately your line manager should be dealing with this, if you don't feel you can. Bring it up in your next 1-1.

ImBurtMacklin · 15/05/2022 08:37

I would retort with “I’m not sure that’s appropriate” to the big headed comment, and “I’m not sure that’s any of your concern” to the eating out.

IncompleteSenten · 15/05/2022 08:38

You could always say
"Hello again. What insult do you have for me today?" As she approaches you.

But your best bet is start writing these down with dates and times until you have enough instances to prove this is bullying. Then you go to your line manager who can speak to her line manager. If that doesn't work then you make a complaint to HR.

Bunce1 · 15/05/2022 08:39

I would say-

“could you repeat that please?” In a slightly neutral tone and get her to repeat what she says. She won’t. She will be embarrassed I think.

Original poster
PluralForBell · 15/05/2022 08:41

@ImBurtMacklin the way she is I'd worry that saying something along those lines would start a battle that I couldn't possibly win. She is well respected (or maybe feared?) and has lots of influence.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/05/2022 08:43

Those comments are not work related they are personal and completely inappropriate.

I think I'd have just stared back at her. Pr asked her to explain herself. 'I don't get it, why would you say that?', she will either dig herself further into a hole or get flustered because she can't.

Then you could just be assertive and say you'd prefer it if she didn't make any personal comments about you.

I would also start noting those things down. Every time. What she said and what you said and who witnessed it. As if it does end up in a complaints situation she may start making up her own narrative

Hurstlandshome · 15/05/2022 08:46

PluralForBell · 15/05/2022 08:33

These are all very useful and strike the right one, thank you.

I would never be confrontational but have noticed that I am getting tense every time she makes a beeline for me.

On Friday morning after I delivered a presentation to the department, which I had worked on really hard and, which received a lot of praise from senior colleagues (I am junior) including her team Afterwards, she asked me a question and when I replied she said in a bemused tone, "you are quite the big-headed one aren't you?"

She also told me that I must be spending all my salary on eating out when she overheard me tell a colleague that I was meeting friends for dinner. I don't feel I can go to HR with it as it's all so petty. If it was a comments every now and agin, it wouldn't bother me at all, it's daily. It feel like she intends to put me in my place.

I think that I can shake her off but needed some go-to phrases that subtly signal I am not engaging with her and I am not rattled (I am rattled though).

It's not petty, it's borderline bullying. There are management tools that her LM/HR can use to help her understand the impact of her off the cuff remarks.
I'm very cross on your behalf. If you dont have the support to deal with it I hope that you can find the strength to have a quiet word with her. Look up the management tool SIB to frame the conversion. Best of luck.

whiskyjarsafilling · 15/05/2022 08:47

i had a male colleague who was like this, eventually I told him I wanted a word with him, took him into a meeting room and called him out on all his behavior. He stopped after that.

whiskyjarsafilling · 15/05/2022 08:50

In a way she is giving you a compliment. She obviously sees you as an up and coming threat, a young woman with the ability to rise through the ranks to equal or surpass her.