Shut down rude colleague

[PluralForBell]

There is someone at work who constantly comes to me to tell me something negative about my work or about me as a person. She is a lot older than me and extremely domineering and confident, she rules the roost.

The thing she says sometimes have a tiny teeny bit of truth to them but she uses any perceived weaknesses to weaponise it to undermine my confidence and doubt myself.

She is not in my team so can't speak to LM.

I am focusing on my job and am quite good at it based on feedback. I think this woman doesn't like me or feels threatened IDK.

How can I breezily shut her flow of negative comments up while remaining polite and professional?

It's not even so much what she says she just comes to make underhand remarks then leaves again, like spreading her daily poison.

Annoyingly, this stresses me and makes me doubt myself.

How do I remain confident with this co worker but make her daily approaches stop?

@PluralForBell
How did it go today?

You can, and you should, go to LM about it.
As an LM I've had to deal with matters like this before and it usually nips it in the bud.

I’m a line manager and if one of my team was experiencing this, I would suggest they make notes of what is said, when and how it makes them feel at the time.

This is bullying OP and illegal.

Ignore her, physically turn so your back is to her and continue your conversations.
You need to not engage with her at all. Others will be noticing this as well. You also need to report this, it is bullying.

Or (and probably only in your head) say 'Lucy, I a team player and as you know, there's no I in Team. There is, however, a U in Cunt. Now, if there isn't anything else I'll crack on'.

You could say -this feels like bullying-she cannot argue as you have a right to your own feelings & I guarantee these few magic words will send her scurrying back to her desk

'Yourself' makes no sense

*sense.

@girlmom21 i know its a mad concept, but sometimes people from different parts of the UK speak differently to you 😯

helpful comment for the OP , though ...

@girlmom21 - 'ah, it's yourself' is common with my Irish friends & colleagues. Also:

'Sure, it's himself / herself there'
'That film with himself in from (insert film / TV show'

☺️

Absolutely agree about mentioning this to your line manager.

She is clearly threatened by you. I have experienced two colleagues like this (unfortunately) and, if you want to get them onside, the way to do it is to make them feel needed, e.g. 'Hi X, I was working on this and then I remembered that you are the expert on blahblah...'. It's cringeworthy and frustrating but you said this woman was influential within your workplace so I would report her to your LM (in confidence) and then in the meantime kill her with kindness and flattery to divert her negativity away from you.

Comeback & us know how it goes tomorrow 😊

Why should we have to pander to these unprofessional people by ‘flattering’ them. It’s like rewarding their behaviour then. I don’t reward bullies.

A grievance. Speak to HR. You can speak to her line manager or even copy them into an email

She sounds like an absolute bully to me ,please don't let her continue to drag you down like this.
Please have the courage in your knowledge of your abilities and say straight to her face when she next comes toward you-“Enough- if you have any issues with me or with my work speak to my line manager because it sounds like your line manager has NO issues with your work.
Her opinion is NOT a wanted or Required-I would tell her straight but I have seen this type of thing before she needs a straight talking to.

Need some advice re being bitched off by husband to the in-laws and med info being shared.
Hi sorry it is a 'longy'! I am so upset with my husband's lack of loyalty to me. Please tell me if you think I am being over sensitive (YABU) or whether I am justified in ignoring him (YANBU)
I am a full-time teacher and the main breadwinner for the family (22years of full-time teaching). I have been recently diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and last year was hospitalised with pancolitis and 9 big colon ulcers. I was transferred from a small town hosp by ambulance to a bigger hospital and was off work for 4 weeks while I recovered. Since them I have remained well until a couple of weeks ago when I suffered a flare and went to hospital to change meds (strong steroids, suppositories and other tablets).
Yesterday, my husband has a family zoom call with his sister (55) and his father (80) . I returned home and was not intentionally listening in until I heard my name mentioned. In the call, I heard my husband tell my sister-in-law that my illness was made up. He then took pictures of my medical notes to send to his father who wanted to check them ( he used to be a nurse), and he panned his camera around the kitchen to show them how untidy and the crisps and peanut butter on the table as though my stomach problem was of my own making. He also told them how much wine I drank (yes I do drink red wine) as though this was the root cause of my illness. I am so sad that he bitches about me to his dad and sister when all I do is try to work hard to support our family (him and 2 sons). Then a few hours later I broke and said to him if he sent any pictures of my medical notes to his dad I would be furious with him. He was very surprised I knew this and I then later over-heard him telling my eldest son that I must have hacked his phone and that he hope I hadn't found ' all the other awful pictures of me he had posted. He is not a keeper is he?? What should I do? I have 2 sons (19 and 14) and I don't want to devastate them by leaving. But I just want him to disappear out of my life. Thanks if you read this far!

I’ve been bullied at work - this is definitely the way to go. The idea that “but every single incident sounds so petty and I can’t go to HR with that” is how bullies grind you down. Because you can’t report tiny messages but there are 35 messages a day

You need to start your own thread

@magicsurfbus

oh no I did it wrong and it ended up as a reply to someone's message! Please @mumsnet can you make my last msx its own thread (sorry never done this before!) x

Hi @magicsurfbus , we're not able to start thread on someone's behalf, sorry. Our help page is here if you need a bit of guidance on starting a thread: www.mumsnet.com/i/faqs

Sorry to interrupt, OP!

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2022 12:23

The big headed one I definitely think you can report to LM. You’d put work in, got good feedback and then she was trying to take you down a peg in front of colleagues. It’s not professional to call a colleague big headed. Was she trying to set you up for a fail asking something she thought you wouldn’t know and when you did know responded with an insult. Think about how it will impact you eg will it pt you off doing presentations or answering questions that’s potentially affecting your work so your LM should know.

This, in spades! There were witnesses. You handled her question well, instead if being humiliated.

Use this example and go to your line manager for advice on how to deal with her. You are asking for support, not reporting her, it should be seen as such and support should be given, while more notice will also be taken!

This is the best reply in the whole thread.

It worked for me, and the more senior female staff member was a lot nastier than OP's. I decided to invite her out to eat, get to know her and we became friends in the years that followed. Although she is someone I would never have chosen for a friend, it was amazing how she changed towards me once we got to know each other. She was sorry and she showed it in many ways, including protecting me from other senior staff!

Take out a notebook and carefully write down what she says, word for word, and smile knowingly when you’re finished.

If she asks, just say ‘I’m putting you in my novel.’

OP - another approach that will stop her behaviour in its tracks is if you ask HER for a favour. Think of what her job is and what you could ask her to advise you on or show you. Does she know her way around something that you don't?

When she comes over to your desk, you can say '' Oh, hello! I was hoping I could ask a favour from you - could I ask your opinion/ could I ask for your help on...'' and steam right ahead with what you want. When you ask people to help you, it makes them like you! But I guess you already know this about people.