Shut down rude colleague

[PluralForBell]

There is someone at work who constantly comes to me to tell me something negative about my work or about me as a person. She is a lot older than me and extremely domineering and confident, she rules the roost.

The thing she says sometimes have a tiny teeny bit of truth to them but she uses any perceived weaknesses to weaponise it to undermine my confidence and doubt myself.

She is not in my team so can't speak to LM.

I am focusing on my job and am quite good at it based on feedback. I think this woman doesn't like me or feels threatened IDK.

How can I breezily shut her flow of negative comments up while remaining polite and professional?

It's not even so much what she says she just comes to make underhand remarks then leaves again, like spreading her daily poison.

Annoyingly, this stresses me and makes me doubt myself.

How do I remain confident with this co worker but make her daily approaches stop?

Ok well she is a snidey piece of work isn't she? Fight fire with fire 🔥
One trick I use is to agree with them - hear me out. For example, if she is saying you must spend all your salary on food, agree with her. Say, God yes!! I love going out! I'm always out! Tinkly laugh too maybe.
Or, when she says younthink younare quite the one don't you? say Yes, it's a very bad habit of mine.
Also, get a friend to keep an eye out for you, and whenever she appears, they could scoot over and be witness to the bullying.

I'd go one further. Instead if asking her to put it in an email, YOU put it in an email back to her. I.e;

Dear colleague,

Just to summarise and confirm this weeks feedback from you, you stated/suggested/commented XYZ. Etc

And bcc hr and your line managers. She will probably give you a cunty reply, and you'll have her bang to rights.

These are just mean comments, not feedback. Personally I tend to try and use sarcasm to fight back but I realise that’s not for everyone and depending on the dynamic can be dangerous.

I bet you’re not the only one she has targeted, I would quietly ask a colleague or mentor “I’m wondering if I’ve done something to upset Moira? She seems to come over every day and say something like (big headed remark). Do you think j should ask her what’s wrong, or is she like this with other people too?”

This, and when she repeats it write it down so she can see what you are doing. Add date/time. If she asks just say 'for reference, thanks for sharing'.

She will know what you are up to, she will know that what she does is very close to bullying and maybe not the supportive, collaborative environment I assume your company aims for.

She sounds nasty. If you can you need to call her out each time. I'd ask her to explain her comments .

Trouble is people with bad intent like that never tend to commit anything to writing as they know it creates an audit trail.

Unless they have a point and they themselves want to create their own audit trail that's fact based and shows the impact of poor performance.

If, as is the case with the OPs situation, they are being snippy and unpleasant with no grounds or right to criticise, they will only ever say stuff verbally to intimidate rather than to genuinely effect improvement and positive change.

This behaviour is bullying. Speak to yoir line manager and put in a grievance. Stick to your guns. She sounds like an utter bitch and needs stopping

you are quite the big-headed one aren't you?

Green-eyed monster there, she's clearly threatened, with low self-esteem if she can't cope with your success.

''ah! you again.''

I like this one.

I had somebody half my age treat me like a dotty old fool at work. She left thank goodness, but if I so much as dropped a pen, she'd make a comment. Or if i ever forgot anything I had dementia. She really wanted me to be in an old people's home, not at the next desk. I was 47. I should have handled her a lot better.
It was a shock though, to realise that somebody just NEEDS to see everything you do through a negative lens. That is for them.

Ugh this sounds so horrible. If you can, try to take the power out of it. She's enjoying your "rabbit in the headlights" reaction.
So with the big headed comment you can laugh and say "haha I know! I hope I fit out of the door, at home time! Haha!"
I had a colleague try this on me once but I was often so shocked at her outright rudeness I'd just laugh and half join in and she didn't know what to do about it.

Also, to the big headed comment (so rude!), ask "why do you say that?" Or "what do you mean?"
Get her to explain herself.

her comment is well worth you recording in a non-confrontational email back to her, stating you were surprised and disappointed by her comment, when you were proud of your achievement with the presentation. You find her behaviour towards you unacceptable. Don't tell her to stop it, give her the message you don't accept it and that gives her the choice to continue or desist.

Do this every time she says something directly insulting or mean, that's the best way of you taking back control by creating an audit trail. As more emails pile up in her inbox, she should get the message loud and clear you aren't standing for it. Hopefully it is something you feel empowered to deal with yourself which gives her the strongest message you're not prepared to accept her behaviour with no need to get HR or your manager involved unless as a last resort. Then you go to them with your email audit trail and show the history.

Just state the word ‘rude’ directly to her each time and say nothing more.

I think comments as rude as the big headed one I would challenge directly.

either - agree and show how ridiculous you found the comment but that you aren’t bothered. ha big headed! Me? Oh maybe I am. Not been called that since I won the skipping race in year 2. If you have friends around involve them - omg Sandra thinks I am a big head - you might need to move your desk back…

challenge- sorry what did you say? Oh ok you aren’t one for female confidence and solidarity then? What do you get out of name calling?

label - oh that’s an unkind thing to say. Actually I worked hard on the presentation to get it right, always makes me a bit nervous to do things like that. Hopefully most other people didn’t think I came over like that. Did you mean for that to make me feel bad?

what a cow. If I was there I would use all three and do it for you? If there is someone who doesn’t take her shit sign her up as an ally!

This!

The best thing you can do is repeat her questions back to her - it’s two folded -

First she ‘hears’ her question and it will sound rude to her ears.

Second she’s not expecting it, and won’t have an answer, wait silently for her to reply as it’s now her turn to speak - ask a friend to practice - get her to say something this woman says and repeat it back - you’ll be surprised how efficient it is.

So when she says ‘you are the big headed one’ repeat it straight back ‘Your saying I’m the big headed one? Wait ‘She now has to explain what she said and why - she not expecting to have to justify her question.

When she realizes that talking to you makes her uncomfortable she’ll stop coming over.

You could actually be very upfront with it as in next time she approaches have a note book ready and make it obvious to her you are noting what she is saying. You could even halt her for a second and say ‘excuse me a moment while I open my note book, I’m making notes each time you give me your opinion, it helps to have everything written down don’t you think?

She’ll be thinking twice before opening her mouth. Be overt not subtle.

"What are you speaking to me like that for? Is it something we need to take to line management."
And stare the fucker out.
Do not have that! It is outrageous. It's not banter, she is not a friend, tear her a new one.

The comments are personal and rude. I don’t think she sounds stupid enough to put them in an email unfortunately (although it may be worth trying). The only positive is that you must be doing really well for someone like that to bother with you.

If she does have power/respect in the company, you are right not to take her on head first. Personally, I would feign innocence - I agree with the ‘ask her to repeat it’ and then I would repeat what she said back.

’Oh, you think I’m big headed?’

’Oh, you think I spend all my money going out?’

Adopt a curious Louis Theroux face, as if this is all so puzzling. Repeating things back to people makes it more ‘real’ and she might even have the good grace to be a bit ashamed, but in any case will make her look petty to everyone else.

If you feel it is getting to you, do speak to your line manager - ask for feedback on your job and how you are doing and if they have any tips on how to deal with difficult colleague who is making remarks that are damaging your confidence.

I’m not sure if your company has any mentoring schemes - but that could be really helpful. Sadly, dealing with difficult people is part and parcel of life and the workplace. Not letting snidey people get to me has been one of the harder lessons for me to learn, but one that has helped me immensely. My life, my goals, my values, family, friends etc. are important and deserving of my time and energy; petty, jealous colleagues less so.

I read a good piece of advice once which was to respond to comments like that with the phrase "Can you explain what you mean by that?"
Do it every time.
Don't engage with trying to give an answer to their question.
The thinking being that comments like that are always implying more than they're actually saying (but the implication is obvious of course). They work for the bully saying them because they're managing to be rude/inappropriate/put you down without actually being explicit. So by asking someone to explain themselves it's forcing them to actually consider what they're saying - and potentially dig themselves a deeper hole by making their meaning explicit out loud. I've tried it a few times and often it induces temporary bluster and then shutting up when they realise that you're on to them.

Three tulips has said the same thing but much more concisely!

What a meanie that lady is

She sounds like a right bitch and she's trying to 'put you in your place'

The two nasty little examples you gave don't really require a response from you if you can mange not to give one (although I can understand why they would make you seethe, particularly the first one!)

I'd be tempted to say something like 'right, I better be getting on now' and turn away / walk off - you haven't ignored her or been impolite but it won't give her the response she's looking for, she wants to see you riled (for whatever reason)

I worked with a woman who sounds just like this (when I was junior too) and she was the nastiest piece of work, no one in the department could abide her.
My most common responses to her would be an eyebrow raise or looking at her with shocked wide open eyes and the line I gave above (right, better be getting on) just so she knew I'd clocked her nastiness but wasn't prepared to engage.

You can't change her, this is who she is, so it's all about your non-reaction to her bullshit. Good luck, she sounds horrendous!

Afterwards, she asked me a question and when I replied she said in a bemused tone, "you are quite the big-headed one aren't you?"

This is bullying, and you should report her without delay to HR. Sorry but she’s not just “being rude,” she’s a bully & you need to stamp on it now

I don’t agree by the way, with previous comments suggesting you ignore her, retaliate with a sarky response or the whole “you can’t change people” rhetoric. If someone spoke to me like this at work they’d get hotfooted to HR before they knew what was happening. I can’t stand bullies, & it’s everyone’s professional duty to stand up to them at work otherwise others may get hurt.

Get this sorted out OP