Shut down rude colleague

[PluralForBell]

There is someone at work who constantly comes to me to tell me something negative about my work or about me as a person. She is a lot older than me and extremely domineering and confident, she rules the roost.

The thing she says sometimes have a tiny teeny bit of truth to them but she uses any perceived weaknesses to weaponise it to undermine my confidence and doubt myself.

She is not in my team so can't speak to LM.

I am focusing on my job and am quite good at it based on feedback. I think this woman doesn't like me or feels threatened IDK.

How can I breezily shut her flow of negative comments up while remaining polite and professional?

It's not even so much what she says she just comes to make underhand remarks then leaves again, like spreading her daily poison.

Annoyingly, this stresses me and makes me doubt myself.

How do I remain confident with this co worker but make her daily approaches stop?

She’s bullying you. The next time she makes her shitty little comments, answer her with ‘That is not helpful. How about you stop making persistent derogatory comments?’ She is not in your team, she can fuck right off. I have no tolerance for these idiots.

This is great advice.

She's a jealous bully, who is trying to belittle and undermine you, I'd define you speak to your LM.

This is a clear case of bullying. PPs have made some great suggestions.
Does she do this in front of other people, or only when you’re alone so she can be sure there are no witnesses?

I think I’d try agreeing with her “yes, my head’s sooo huge I’m surprised I fit through the door this morning” tinkly laugh and a big friendly smile in her direction.

kill with kindness :)
this is how I’d approach it anyway, mostly because it amuses me to see how they react because they are NOT expecting you to agree with them

Sorry you are having this in your workplace, OP…. I’m (very) old now but have encountered people like this over the years!

I shut one horrid woman down by producing a note book every time she offered up unwanted opinions and comments, and wrote it down in front of her, every single time, saying “Mrs said : I ought to/ I must/I should/ I haven’t etc etc. It soon stopped her as other colleagues noticed and laughed at her! She found a new victim.
silly thing was, she wasn’t even in charge of me, but through age, time served, felt compelled to poke her nose in. Stand your ground!!
Good Luck!🌻

She found a new victim.

But this is the problem with bullies - they just move on to hurt/intimidate others. The only way to stop them is to report them.

Buy a cheap diary.

When she makes a comment write it on the correct day and add the time.

Do it in front of her preferably.

Don't put anything else in the diary only things that she has said.

Make sure that she knows about it

If the bullying doesn't stop you have a perfect record of what was said.

Good luck. I hate people like that.

It sounds like your're not fawning over her enough and she doesn't like it.

I'd plaster a sickly smile on my face and say 'Oh, is it time for my daily dose of negativity already?!' or....

'Thanks, a little bit of contrast to all of the praise I get from my ACTUAL line manager is SO helpful!' or....

'Passive aggressiveness is your super power, you really should use it more'

I would also make sure your LM is aware that you're getting a lot of digs from her. It could well be that she always has to have someone to be a bitch to at work so they may have heard it before.

I know it'll be uncomfortable to stand up to her but if you don't you might as well accept that it'll carry on as long as you're colleagues. At the moment she assumes you're going to put up with it because you've been putting up with it. You do need to make sure you remain professional though, smile throughout and if she complains let her know you were just joking, you know, like she is when she swings by your desk daily to let you know what a piece of shit you are!

I love that email reply! I wish I had done that with the two women that bullied me in tandem as it was all very similar back handed stuff and sly stuff.

You don’t deserve this rubbish at work, it’s just not on. You’re not a dumping ground for her insecurities.

My line manager mentioned above does this to me, she is very similar to the person in your post - always after I do something well she’ll be sickly sweet in front of everyone else and the managers above there but then she’ll come to my desk and say something very backhanded and mean.

It’s not on and I think she’s an old bully. She even stooped as low as joking about why I didn’t have children and about me having a miscarriage joking about in our staff kitchen and it was mortifying. She’s very mean spirited and even does little strange things like spell my name wrong only on official things or nice things (very small but all to exert herself) and I wish I’d called her out on it or said the email thing that pp have said to you.

good luck op and no that she is likely projecting something onto you.

I'd love to see her face if you did this 😂👏👏👏

Great advice.

I agree with writing down what she has said every time AND repeating her statement/opinion back to her.

I had one that loves to tell be frequently how awful long hair is on mature women, oh and how dreadful children are and how unfair maternity leave is. I'm not sure who she thinks will look after her when she is elderly as all her contemporaries will also be elderly and no longer working?

I think she is very threatened by you. If it's a personal comment totally unrelated to work I'd totally ignore it and if it's in relation to your work, ie the big headed comment I'd just say "it works for me" and give her a steely smile.

I think the "right answer" is the one about making a record of what's said. Preferably add who else was there when it was said (witnesses).

But I'd be sorely tempted to sarcastically reply that she's always got really insightful feedback for you and ask if she's after your line managers job. Then fake laugh, loudly. Every. Single. Time.

Or possibly I'd query why she was so insecure she felt the need to focus on me rather than on herself? But that straddles the line of professionalism that you probably don't want to cross.

I wouldn’t say any witty replies op, people like her will always twist it to be you that’s the problem to everyone and if she’s been there for years and above you they will only listen to her. That’s what’s happened to me from the LM I’m the above post even though I have never risen to it. Just ask her to email the feedback to you or get a book out and write it down and say thanks.

As PP said have a diary when she comes in, open it and take a note, as she's leaving close it and put in locked drawer. I'd also mention to your manager or HR what has been going on, chances are there's already a note beside her name.

You are junior, you did a presentation that got you a lot of praise and approval. That takes a lot to do as presenting is very nerve wracking, if you don't do something about her now, she is going to shred away all those guts and strength you have to do the job. Don't let anyone have that power over your life. Good luck.

Yeah @Heyisforhorses thats a good point op, this stuff can surprisingly really wear you down. Don’t let it become the norm from her.

If she comments about you spending all of your wages again, just breezily say, we’ll I’ve got lots of friends, what’s a girl to do?

I also like the advice about buying a diary and writing in what she says.

Shut her down OP. You don’t go to work for this crap.

This is where being deaf can sometimes be an advantage. It’s unfortunate, but I often don’t get or fully get nice comments, but usually understand a nasty person first time - in the latter case I don’t need to let on though.

I can quite legitimately ask people to repeat themselves, and as pps have said, they then fall into the trap of it sounding stupid to their own ears, needing to justify it and failing, and/or other people hearing them.

Generally speaking I often repeat back to the point I stopped understanding so people don’t have to repeat the whole thing. That’s normal for me, of course, so I’m being helpful. ‘You said I was . . . ‘ and then they shout ‘BIG HEADED’. ‘Eh? Could you write that down?’

It makes them look doubly bullying as they put themselves out to help me understand some snide comment. Hearing people reflexively speak louder when they are trying to make themselves understood (particularly people who don’t ‘get it’ about being deaf).

It’s too much effort for snide bullies to keep doing with all the risks it entails in drawing attention.

In a large open plan office or at busy times, it would be quite legit for you to vary the repertoire suggested by PPs by saying ‘Could you repeat that? Didn’t quite catch that?’

If it makes her raise her voice so that others hear, well and good, you’ll have witnesses.

I have to agree with this approach. I have found in the past to say to people "why are you talking to me like that?" effective as they bluster and can't think what to say.

However it must be horrible for you to go into work everyday anticipating this and yes she is being a bully. Initially I would try to shut her down as above.

'Morning colleague, I see the hitman failed'

You can tell LM as it’s affecting you at work. I’d note examples so you have them if you need to escalate it. A few set phrases to colleague like What do you mean and a stare would also help.

You don't need to make enemies with her. She's threatened by you, and is your senior. Do the right thing. Invite her out to dinner and get to know her and if not friends at least understand each other better. I see no long-term gain for you to start a war of attrition against her in the work place.

I'd do this.

These retorts are gold. I’m going to save these as ammo!