Shut down rude colleague

[PluralForBell]

There is someone at work who constantly comes to me to tell me something negative about my work or about me as a person. She is a lot older than me and extremely domineering and confident, she rules the roost.

The thing she says sometimes have a tiny teeny bit of truth to them but she uses any perceived weaknesses to weaponise it to undermine my confidence and doubt myself.

She is not in my team so can't speak to LM.

I am focusing on my job and am quite good at it based on feedback. I think this woman doesn't like me or feels threatened IDK.

How can I breezily shut her flow of negative comments up while remaining polite and professional?

It's not even so much what she says she just comes to make underhand remarks then leaves again, like spreading her daily poison.

Annoyingly, this stresses me and makes me doubt myself.

How do I remain confident with this co worker but make her daily approaches stop?

Taking a bully out to dinner is a bit like victim blaming, as in oh if you’re just a bit nicer she wouldn’t single you out. It’s not about op, it’s about this woman’s insecurities.

Good luck for tomorrow. Hopefully you find strength from mumsnet. Tell us how you get on.

Don’t do this OP. It’s not remotely helpful advice.
It’s not your job to work out why she’s a bully to you or to try to cure her of doing it.

Note down the things she says and report her to HR is the correct way to handle these sorts of situations.

When I was much younger, I had a similar scenario but there was no HR back then and I had a stand up sweary row with her in front of several staff as she’d pushed my buttons one time too many.

It resolved the issue instantly as she wasn’t used to anyone standing up to her and she treated me like Royalty afterwards.

However, I wouldn’t recommend this approach unless everything else has failed, as it’s totally unprofessional.

Take her out to dinner 😳
Nope

Just ask her what it has to do with her, op? Retorts like "thank you for your feedback" just give people the impression that they're perfectly within their rights to comment, surely?
Stand up for yourself properly, don't hide behind weasel words.

Have a few stock phrases ready eg
'Gosh, that's an interesting view.'
'Hmm, ' call to another colleague, 'x says this, what do you think?'
'Haha, you're such a card. I love your daily comments to me. I can't wait to hear what you say next!'
'I'm confused, is that your professional feedback or did someone ask you to mentor me even though I'm in a different team?'

If OP takes her out to dinner, this will genuinely disarm her and cause her embarrassment. Besides she already quipped about OP spending all her wages on eating out; this is the perfect opening to take her along as well.
I can see how this could work but genuinely would be way too nervous to do this.

Could you repeat that please?” In a slightly neutral tone and get her to repeat what she says. She won’t. She will be embarrassed I think.
This will be my Plan A to see how things work out. I'll also consider writing things down in front but have to make sure that it doesn't show my nervousness or come across as provocative as I feel kind of cornered by her.

Ask to have a private word with her. Set out the things she does and tell her they (not her) make you uncomfortable /belittled. Say you want to understand what's going on, could she explain. If she can't, tell her you aren't going to let it go, you are going to arrange a meeting with a superior so whatever is going on can be sorted. All the other stuff, you're playing along her, it never works. Passive aggression needs to be pulled out from under it's rock. Go to the root of it. Yes, it's terrifying, but no where near as bad as putting up with this corrosive shit. For all you know, you/her superior knows she has form and might be pleased to be able to do something.
This is definitely Plan B. I'm quite bad at playing games due to a lack of confidence (ironically!) so explaining things as I feel they are seems constructive to me and also sheds light on the passive aggressive attitude.

Op, I had this with a colleague. I am completely non confrontational, hate awkwardness etc. But one day, very similar to your comment I ended up retorting ‘well yeah, because I’m cool as fuck’. I have no idea what came over me. I would never normally say anything like this but it just spewed out. long story short, the comments stopped after that. She still hates me, but secretly now!
I love this and am pleased for you that your colleague stopped bothering you.

I feel well armed for tomorrow thanks to all the support on this thread, it feels like you lot got my back😍Thank you!

If she won't write an email. Record her on your phone

We have got your back op!! 😊

The thing she says sometimes have a tiny teeny bit of truth to them

Then listen and learn.

She sounds annoying OP. Good luck for tomorrow.

I think, for you, the most important thing is to get it clear in your own head that she is somehow threatened by you, jealous and trying to increase/maintain the distance between you in terms of influence, position etc.

To do this, because you are doing well, she has to try to push you downwards. Secure people pull themselves up. Insecure people push others down.

knowing this really helps. You KNOW she is trying to make herself the one with power. Don’t give it to her. Keep saying to yourself ‘poor old X, it must be awful being so desperate to feel important she’ll belittle people she thinks are threats.’

be kind, agree with her cheerfully, wilfully misconstrue every dig as the compliment it actually is ‘I do feel quite pleased with my performance today, yes thanks!’, ask her proactively for feedback on your work before she opens her gob when she approaches ‘oh here’s X! What did you think of the report on Y proposal?’ and be kind. Just subtly let your brisk compassion for her insecurity show……just a little.

nothing will annoy her more, and you are being the professional you are.

Either sarcastic -
“Has anyone ever told you that you should be a motivational speaker? No…I thought not!
or resigned -
”Not this old shit again”

'Wow you are observant, I'll know who to call if I need a PI'
' Where do you get the time to analyse things? Maybe I should request a transfer to your office.'

Just bitch her right back.

Quote the lovely Bridget Jones..

Go away please I am very busy and important

Or my go to 'I just don't give a shot'

*shit

There's this, too... Could be doing you a favour in the long term, op.
Other people could well have noticed these things too but haven't said anything yet

Take her out to dinner?! Are people completely mad?! This woman already basically said she thinks the OP gets paid too much and can afford to eat out all the time....plus give up your personal time with no other witnesses?! Couldn't this be construed as favouritism?! I'm guessing we're not 5alking a coffee and a muffin down the cantee! No, thank you.

As an older member of the workforce I sometimes get a little bit jaded by just how fast new arrivals to the workforce are speeding up the work ladder (there's an NHS Band 7 admin related role on the Isle of Wight that's really suitable for newly qualifieds, apparently, which is a bit of a kick in the face to those of us who had to work for years to get Band 5 or 6 roles) but I'd hope that wouldn't mean I'd be crass enough to offer unwarranted advice to someone I wasn't directly line managing! And besides, if I'm that annoyed, I know where the door is...!!

Definitely get as much as you can in writing/email so you can establish a pattern and gather evidence, and good luck tomorrow.

Oh and if you're not already in one, join a union.

“your observations are the highlight of my working day”
“Such an uplifting comment, my cup runneth over”
”pure gold, how we miss you when you are not here to encourage us”
“so helpful, let me add that to my to-do list”

Oh that's funny!
I may run in to somebody this summer, big do, she will be there, looking forward to icing me a bit more, if she says anything supercilious to me im going to crack the hitman joke. If she ignores me ill ignore her.

“Your sincerity shines through” then as she walks away “out of your bottom”

Ha, some of these are so good.
Your level of sincerity shines through.

Yeah that’s better and truthful!