Shut down rude colleague

[PluralForBell]

There is someone at work who constantly comes to me to tell me something negative about my work or about me as a person. She is a lot older than me and extremely domineering and confident, she rules the roost.

The thing she says sometimes have a tiny teeny bit of truth to them but she uses any perceived weaknesses to weaponise it to undermine my confidence and doubt myself.

She is not in my team so can't speak to LM.

I am focusing on my job and am quite good at it based on feedback. I think this woman doesn't like me or feels threatened IDK.

How can I breezily shut her flow of negative comments up while remaining polite and professional?

It's not even so much what she says she just comes to make underhand remarks then leaves again, like spreading her daily poison.

Annoyingly, this stresses me and makes me doubt myself.

How do I remain confident with this co worker but make her daily approaches stop?

@2bazookas You can give feedback and not treat someone like a personal
scratching post first.

What a bitch ,she is obviously threatened in some way by you but her behaviour is totally unacceptable.
You say the comments are petty , they may be but it all adds up to potential bullying .
I would keep a diary of every comment , behaviour , from her that is upsetting for you , at the same time i would use some of the very good examples here of replies you can start to give her.
I think in your case i would not confront her alone directly , i would do everything calmly and correctly and gather evidence , she is probably the type to turn this on you and play the victim if confronted with her behaviour .
Good luck , no one should be treated like this at work .

Er, sorry I don't follow (look confused).
Can you repeat that please - no I still don't follow (look confused).
Can you explain - sorry no, I still don't follow (look confused).
Excuse me, I've got to see Sue/visit the ladies/must respond to this email (looking confused).

She makes you feel very uncomfortable so do it back head on.

Good luck and remember bullies are the biggest cowards.

Keep a note of the digs by all means so you can escalate if you need to. I wouldn’t go down the sarcasm route however tempting as you risk looking like the bad guy as your comments can get escalated too.

I’d suggest you see it as an opportunity to manage up. We don’t all use positional authority to manage, it should be mostly about personal and expert authority. Build yours by asking yourself ‘how would I get the best performance out of her?’ And do it.

I’d grit my teeth, proactively ask her in front of witnesses what her view is on some minor things like reports or policy tweaks (not my performance), grey rock the digs and force myself to ignore the judgement underlying her comments. She has no authority to judge your behaviour so don’t give it to her by reacting with arguments or explanation.

eg all my wages on eating out?
you hear - “you spendthrift social butterfly airhead.”and react to that.
But someone who thinks her opinion on their social habits is irrelevant would respond “it does feel like that doesn’t it but it’s so lovely getting out with friends after what we’ve been through, isn’t it?”

So try to manage her insecurity a bit, feed her some crumbs as it’s no skin off your nose to let her give feedback on trivial things and you choose what they are, fairly evaluate what she says if it’s helpful (and say so). And ask her calmly if she realises how negatively she’s coming across if she’s being horrible, as you are sure that’s not her intention, but any useful points are getting lost in this kind of feedback delivery.

And don’t engage with the personal criticism because she’s not your mother so who cares.

The trouble is having the confidence to do the 'grey rock' / changing the subject treatment directly to the more senior person there in front of you 'in the moment' @Moglie

I can imagine them being quite intimidating and confrontational, and once you feed them a line, suddenly it can quickly spiral out of control and then it makes a bad situation even worse.

Invite her to dinner?!

I agree that you need to tread carefully around superiors at work but no need to fawn.

If she says anything like the big head comment again, use the "shine a light on it" technique.

I feel like you're trying to belittle me. Is that your intention?

If she says "oh no no no not my intention at all i just .."

Say "im glad to hear that. Glad to hear that! You must FAKE giving her the benefit of the doubt.

If she says, "no, but the nerve of you taking on these big projects like you have ten years experience when people with 20 years experience havent been given the opportunity.... blah blah blah"

When she has finished, say "i feel like "this" is nothing to do with me".

Do not get drawn in any further though
Smile. Walk away. Ask her if she'd like a chocolate. But keep it de-escalated.

Present a not-rattled front. Fake being calm.

V hard. I know.

Ive been in these shoes. I think standing up to beeatches of any age at any age is a skill that will stand you in good stead.

The psychology of the shine a light on it technique is that you show them CALMLY that you have a bit more fight in you than they had thought. But you dont fight. You show control. You show mastery. The key is to not get drawn in. Whatever shitty dig they lob in, say, respond "well this reaction of yours is really nothing to do with me! So i wont take it personally",
but hopefully they'll be cowardly and predictable and say oh no no no not my intention to belittle you.

And that is how i wish id handled my work bully. N3xt time ill be ready.

People like this are awful. Reply in a way that makes it clear that, despite her best attempts to undermine you, she’s the only one with an issue. “That’s not what others say.” “Oh, really? I am told I do this well.” “This is exactly how I was trained to do it.” “Well, Xyz is happy with my presentation, so that’s all that matters.”

As for her comment on you being big-headed, next time she pulls that nasty shit I think I’d say, “Not big headed at all. It’s a shame you have to say that. I’ve had positive feedback from the others.”

You need to get the arse shield ready. Document comments, dates and any witnesses. You’re going to need to ensure that you can prove this is targeted harassment if this gets any uglier. Not sure if it would help to indicate to her that you are starting to take this seriously? Eg, “Could you put that in an email, please? I think it’s important to keep a record of this.”

I had a similar colleague, prior to me starting, three people in my department left because of her. I kept note of everything, had columns headed Date, Time, Location, Reference (eg after sales presentation, overheard chat with Liz about dinner plans) Comment and Witness.
I took it to my line manager and it was dismissed as "that's just Angela, don't take it personally" but then it got worse, so I went to HR.

Please write this down and please go to HR!

Thsi is EXACTLY what they're there for!

If she's that old, it's likely HR have already heard rumour/ direct complaints from other staff ...

People like this, often serially bully people.

Even if they can't /won't do anything, YET, it may mean that it saves someone in the future as they can use your statement as contributing evidence of continuing bad behaviour.

This is bullying pure and simple..

So she's not criticising your work, just being personal and unpleasant.

This needs to be stopped.

I would say "I am not looking for your feedback".

I agree with suggestions to ask for her comments in writing or making obvious and clear notes.

I don't think she is as respected as you think she is. At best she is a busybody wasting everyone's time on her daily judgement tour.

Your best revenge is living well. You should ask for a mentor and work on where you need to be and what you want to do with your career.

Keep a spray bottle of water on your desk and squirt her every time she comes over.

She's not a cat!

"Oh I'm so sorry I would have thought on your wage you would be able to afford similar meals out. I live quite comfortable, I didn't realise you were struggling"
or
Hello Colleague have you come to have your daily moan by any chance sorry, but I don't really have time today. I have deadlines to meet, maybe (another colleague) will humour you today.
or as she approaches pick up the phone the second you see her head over. Start chatting and as she approached put your hand up to ask she doesn't interupt you and keep chatting until she walks away. Sooner or later she will take the hint.
or
The tactic I find most useful for people like that was not letting them get a word in edgeways. When she makes a beeline. Beat her at it head straight over and do the same back. She will see that what she is doing ain't nice. "Is that a new dress, not your colour but I do like it, it'd look so great on "another collegue" or "Wow I saw what you did on so and so project, didn't you find that a bit risky, seen as it isn't to most peoples standard"

Just say 'ok' then carry on working, you are feeding her fire by responding to her. The other answer is to simply look at her while she is speaking, dont say anything, then carry on working, she'll soon get fed up if she gets nothing from.it

You totally can speak to your line manager. Your line manager is there to support and protect you

I had a manager like that once and I knew he often looked through my diary. I started writing down the things that he said with the time and who else witnessed it, he soon stopped.

Oh what a sad cow op! When she approaches you and makes nasty remarks lick your finger draw a line in the air and say yep!

I have worked with people like this. For the silly put downs (big head etc.) and although hurtful and designed to rattle you - she will be showing others how unprofessional and unsupportive she is. I used to just laugh along and heartily agree, adding a joke of my own. If you really cannot think of a retort at the time, just say "rude" and laugh. Eventually they usually get bored of doing it. If it is REALLY getting to you, then obviously go through the processes of talking to others Line Mgr, HR and so on, but this will require focus and evidence on your part. Although it is awful, unfortunately, there is sometimes also collateral damage for you if you take this route, especially if she can dismiss her comments as banter or "needed" feedback. She probably has some hang ups or reasons for being the way she is, remember you are the better person, and you will look stronger and confident for coping with her well. I wish you the best of luck

I agree with the people who say start a log of every comment. Record the date and time,too.
I would add another suggestion: when you’ve got a few entries in your log, the next time she approaches you say something like ‘Hang on one minute. I’m keeping a log of all your comments, so I’ll just get the Word doc up before you speak so I can record it accurately.’ That will put the wind up her.
If she asks why you’re doing it, read back some of the entries to her.
She sounds awful, a bully who clearly sees you as an easy target. Good luck.

I would say ' what do you mean by that?" In a non threatening way as if you don't understand. Someone having to explain their nasty comment will make them feel uncomfortable and hopefully eventually give up. I worked with someone the same, she was very outspoken and most people were wary of her viscious tongue. Initially she felt threatened by me I think maybe down to jealousy. Eventually we got on OK but it took a long time. You may have to stand up to her a bit in some way to nip this in the bud. I challenged her on something and from then she was OK and we became friends in a way.

I think what you describe isn’t petty and is enough to take to HR.
You have nothing to lose as you work in different departments.
I would keep a diary of the inappropriate comments.

Absolutely this!

I'll also consider writing things down in front but have to make sure that it doesn't show my nervousness or come across as provocative as I feel kind of cornered by her
I don't think they meant you should write it down in front of her. But do write it down ore even switch your phone to record when she approaches, and DO tell your line manager. Give her examples of the things the person has already said, especially the big-headed comment.
I think there are some glorious examples of comebacks, but I would be VERY wary to saying something catty to her. She will almost certainly report YOU and then management will see it as a case of tit for tat and tell you both to stop.

Keep all your comments bland and neutral, there were some very effective examples earlier, as a catty comment will only show her that she's got to you and could make her feel she's justified and escalate. Cold neutral comments will show her that you can answer back but just don't care what she thinks.

People can see what you are like and what she is like, if your line manager is aware they can keep an eye on her and once she sees the jig is up she will probably stop. Its hideous but you'll feel better if you let the appropriate people know. Best of luck.

"Ah its yourself? Whats wrong THIS time?"