Shut down rude colleague

[PluralForBell]

There is someone at work who constantly comes to me to tell me something negative about my work or about me as a person. She is a lot older than me and extremely domineering and confident, she rules the roost.

The thing she says sometimes have a tiny teeny bit of truth to them but she uses any perceived weaknesses to weaponise it to undermine my confidence and doubt myself.

She is not in my team so can't speak to LM.

I am focusing on my job and am quite good at it based on feedback. I think this woman doesn't like me or feels threatened IDK.

How can I breezily shut her flow of negative comments up while remaining polite and professional?

It's not even so much what she says she just comes to make underhand remarks then leaves again, like spreading her daily poison.

Annoyingly, this stresses me and makes me doubt myself.

How do I remain confident with this co worker but make her daily approaches stop?

The big headed one I definitely think you can report to LM. You’d put work in, got good feedback and then she was trying to take you down a peg in front of colleagues. It’s not professional to call a colleague big headed. Was she trying to set you up for a fail asking something she thought you wouldn’t know and when you did know responded with an insult. Think about how it will impact you eg will it pt you off doing presentations or answering questions that’s potentially affecting your work so your LM should know.

OP, she’s doing this because she feels threatened and she’s too lacking in self-reflection to work on her own insecurities so she’s striking outwards.

If it’s not work-related and the kind of thing that feels too petty to escalate, I find a rhetorical question in a slightly amused tone is often a useful response. So next time she says anything along the lines of “you eat out all the time” just smile as if it’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard and say “do you think so? That’s funny” and then turn away.

Of course you can tell your line manager. Either this bullying stops or you will be taking out a formal grievance against her. Start noting down every interaction you have with her.

You could be very patronising and ask her if she needs to talk about her need to put others down to feel adequate as it's really unhealthy and you're happy to listen if she wants to talk. Pretty sure she won't continue the same behaviour if she thinks you feel sorry for her and see what's she's doing.

I think I’d say “thank you so much for the feedback. I’ll just add that to my feedback log” and start typing into a document. If she wants to stay and watch you do it, let her see you’ve got a spreadsheet with dates, comments, witnesses etc on there.

She sounds absolutely insufferable and really rude. Don’t let her dent your confidence OP and well done on your presentation!

I can't believe that people, well women, think that 'tinkly laugh' is a strategy for dealing with a passive aggressive cunt.

Definitely ask her to repeat what she has said 'sorry, what did you just say?'

Then she has to repeat her insult - it's very effective.
Or 'sorry, what do you mean?' Then she has to expand on her insult.

Many years ago at a job interview the Chief Executive who was part of the interview panel commented that I thought a lot of myself. I knew then I wouldn't get the job (and didn't want it after that comment). They had the cheek to ask if I would volunteer for them and share my knowledge. The CE said at fuck at one point in the interview as well so not the most professional person.

Yes to noting everything down, spreadsheet or diary. Something I found to be very effective pre internet days was to tell the person I wanted what they had said in writing with their signature at the bottom. Get evidence and take to your line manager/HR department.

@midsomermurderess - me neither. It's not a tinkly laughing matter, nor is it time for a witty 'retort'. She needs calling out and needs to be made to say exactly what she means.

This scenario is happening to me at the moment and it's very tricky. I asked for advice recently. I have gone for a grey rock approach. Tell them very little. Walk away and be busy. But it's so hard.

Op, I had this with a colleague. I am completely non confrontational, hate awkwardness etc. But one day, very similar to your comment I ended up retorting ‘well yeah, because I’m cool as fuck’. I have no idea what came over me. I would never normally say anything like this but it just spewed out.

long story short, the comments stopped after that. She still hates me, but secretly now!

I’ve been through similar and it’s difficult. It was someone higher and well respected but I knew she didn’t like me. If I saw her come over I’d not look up and concentrate on what I was doing. She sort of demanded attention and I wasn’t giving it to her. She didn’t like that I didn’t shower her with compliments (like some did) and blow air up her arse.

I’d be tempted to tell her to F off but I actually think some of the suggestions you have had are great. As soon as she approaches adopt your bright and breezy face and take out your notebook and jot down what she says. For good measure read it back to her and then close your book and say Noted. She will soon become quite uncomfortable and hopefully think twice about continuing this shitty behaviour with you. Don’t explain what you’re doing. Just write all comments down and date.

She sounds a right nasty piece of work.

I ignore the colleague who tries to put me down in front of others. Hasn’t stopped them trying but the satisfaction I few bit saying anything is great. The moment she starts I carry on with work, when she stops I engage as normal

Do this, make out you can't quite hear and get her to repeat it. Then if she has the balls to repeat it, maybe repeat what she says slowly as if you are working out what she means. Maybe say something like ' oh you think I have a big head, oh ok', and then move away

The idea is to get her to repeat what she says, ideally in front of others or to draw attention to. You need to be able to be nonchalant about it though. Don't come across as angry or upset, more bemused or puzzled if you can. This will hopefully start to embarrass her and she may stop. If it doesn't go to HR but you need to keep a log of all the things she says and get whatever you can from her in writing

I would get yourself a copy of the grievance policy and read it. Then I would record all of her shitty comments. As many as you can recall, including dates, times and who was present (probably no one else!). Armed with info and evidence I would speak to your line manager and say the company has a duty of care to protect you from work place bullying. They either step in now or your raise a grievance against her (and possibly your LM for doing nothing - maybe not state that at this point though).

I would not engage with her in any way,when she comes to you, you turn away or pick up the phone or walk away.

This woman is jealous and you won’t make friends with her, she won’t respect you and she won’t leave you alone until she has to.

Be professional, don’t play games and don’t give her anything which she can use against you. Good luck.

Trouble is people with bad intent like that never tend to commit anything to writing as they know it creates an audit trail.

You don't need them to create an audit trail. You do it for them as suggested.

take a bully out for dinner? You're having a laugh. The enmity is coming from her, not OP!!

Ask to have a private word with her. Set out the things she does and tell her they (not her) make you uncomfortable /belittled. Say you want to understand what's going on, could she explain. If she can't, tell her you aren't going to let it go, you are going to arrange a meeting with a superior so whatever is going on can be sorted.
All the other stuff, you're playing along her, it never works. Passive aggression needs to be pulled out from under it's rock. Go to the root of it. Yes, it's terrifying, but no where near as bad as putting up with this corrosive shit. For all you know, you/her superior knows she has form and might be pleased to be able to do something.

@KitKattaktik

The senior colleague has already primed herself for a fight with the young OP. She obviously has much experience in attacking her perceived future enemies. If OP takes her out to dinner, this will genuinely disarm her and cause her embarrassment. Besides she already quipped about OP spending all her wages on eating out; this is the perfect opening to take her along as well.

If you insist on doing the right honourable thing and hitting back, then be warned one should understand and scout out the field of battle first. Is she on good terms with the decision makers? If the company has to choose one of them, who would it be? Would the company care if she said some stupid remarks? It's not simple, the payoff is questionable, and since this is not a case of blatant discrimination or harassment, probably not worth it.

This woman is jealous of you. I know the signs v well. "you are quite the big-headed one aren't you?" Jealousy. Making comments about your social life, jealousy. It eats people up and makes them extremely toxic.

Love this. Such great advice

Always accompanied by a "breezy reply" 🙄

Given her influence and your anxiety about pushing back, I would just
choose one each time:

• agree heartily


• laugh along


• play dumb

You have a big head? “Oh I didn’t know I had big hair today! That’s awesome! I love when I get big hair!”

Embrace it, and her and just don’t ever let her see it’s getting to you. She wants a fight. It will drive her mad that you don’t seem to notice the insults.

You eat out too much?
”I know, right? I should cut back but then again it makes me happy.”

She cheerful, kind, dumb. She will go crazy or get bored and anyone watching you will be impressed with you.

The last thing I’d want to do is have dinner with my bully, don’t think I’d have much of an appetite.