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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to give up golf now that we have a family?

190 replies

DisneyBaby · 14/05/2022 00:18

My husband has always played golf since being a little kid (apart from the first 2 years when we met). He plays every Saturday without fail and probably one Sunday a month and then once a week after work in the summer too. So some weeks up to 3 times, others only once.
We've been together 12 years and have a family now, a 2 year old and a 1 month old.
I personally feel that any hobbies like that should go on the back burner for a bit whilst we bring up our children and spend quality time together as much as possible. Instead of being a member of a club like he is at the moment, he should just play casually, maybe once a month or something, and then he can get back into it more passionately once our children are grown in 10-15 years, is that unreasonable??
My 2 year old understands everything now and often asks where Daddy is, and I'm getting fed up of saying 'Daddy playing golf today'... At some point she's going to start reasoning that he'd rather do that then spend time with us, which is upsetting for me let alone her...
I used to be a songwriter, that was my hobby but I gave it up about 5 years ago when we started trying for a family. I feel that he should give up his hobby now too. AIBU?

OP posts:
alorslanon · 14/05/2022 00:19

Golf widow. YANBU.

Badgirlriri · 14/05/2022 00:21

YABU. You shouldn’t have given up your hobby either. You’re allowed interests that don’t involve your children.

ilovesooty · 14/05/2022 00:22

Surely you should have discussed this before planning a family? Have you never talked about it?

trainnane · 14/05/2022 00:22

Maybe he could reduce it for a year or two. By age 6/7/8 your DC will have own hobbies and mates and busy doing stuff. By 11/12 you may barely see them tbh.

1Week · 14/05/2022 00:23

Not entirely but every weekend is too much. If you were to take Sundays as your day when would you have family time?
Free time should be carved in 3, my time, his time and family time. He's taking too much

trainnane · 14/05/2022 00:24

I don't think it's that much. We are all allowed an evening off surely and a few hours at weekend in turn?!?!

trainnane · 14/05/2022 00:26

Surely he's not out 9-9 every Sat?
It's the same with any sport or hobby - footy, rugby, cricket etc
BUT for sanity these things are important. You need it too

grapewines · 14/05/2022 00:30

Yes, YABU. You shouldn't have given up your hobby, either. It's important to have interests of your own.

Astralitzia · 14/05/2022 00:32

YANBU to want him to dial it down a bit but YABVU to demand he gives it up completely.

It was silly to give up your own hobby totally. Try to retain some of your own identity - you're not just a mother, you are a person in your own right and it's important to have your own interests independent from your family.

Badlifeday · 14/05/2022 00:33

Golf takes too long. Being away from the dc for a full day every weekend (assuming he works during the week) is pants. How much time does he spend with his (very small) dc?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/05/2022 00:35

How often does he have the dc on his own?

Divebar2021 · 14/05/2022 00:38

I don’t think it should necessarily be 3 times a week or an event that takes all day but I don’t see why a person should give up a hobby they’re passionate about because they have a family - how dull. I don’t think you should give your hobbies up either. The key is finding a happy medium and ensuring each partner has time to pursue their interests.

Whisp3r · 14/05/2022 00:40

I feel a bit sad at the thought of any of my children giving up their sports when they have children. I don't play any sports as I never got to go to any clubs when I was young and missed the boat. I would have loved to have been good at something.

I think it would be nice if you could both work out a way for you to continue to songwrite and for your DH to continue to play golf and to both have lots of time together with your children. Could he not play once a week for a few hours and you song write once a week for a few hours and the rest of your freetime all be spent together?

2pinkginsplease · 14/05/2022 00:41

YABU to expect him to give up his hobby however YANBU to ask him to cut it down a bit.

he needs to give his family some weekend time and for you to have time to pursue your hobbies.

Sittingonabench · 14/05/2022 00:42

I do think YABU a bit. This is something that is part of his life and has been for a long time. It’s also something that he could engage dc in eventually. It sounds like you maybe are resentful that you gave up yours? And maybe you have an image of family life that you want but it’s not quite fulfilled? I think compromise would be reasonable but not him giving up entirely.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 14/05/2022 00:42

Why did you give up your favourite thing 2 years before you were even pregnant? He shouldn't be devoting all spare time to his own pastimes, but you don't have to be a martyr either.

NeneValleyGirl · 14/05/2022 00:44

Compromise. He halves his hobby to allow you time to continue your’s.

You can’t just demand someone gives up their lifelong hobby ‘for 10-15 years’.

CockSpadget · 14/05/2022 00:45

This is something you really should have discussed and decided on before you had children, if you didn't do that then yabu.

NancyDrooo · 14/05/2022 00:48

The deal in our house is that if he plays golf at weekends he tees off really early and is home in time for lunch (which he also has to make).

When the kids were younger they had Sunday morning films and snacks which kept them quiet. Now they’re older I get a proper lie in with the bed all to myself, then I potter about for a couple of hours, then I get a nice lunch made for me. Bliss.

Embrace the golf. Use the golf. Go and do something for yourself. He owes you hours 😀

MargaretThursday · 14/05/2022 00:51

My df used to play golf when we were little. He'd get there for 8am and be home by 10am. As a big treat sometimes I went with him which I loved.

He gave it up for a few years, when he wanted to take it back up, the golf club had a huge waiting list and he had to pay a huge joining fee, so he left it even longer.
I wish he hadn't given it up because it gave him a lot if pleasure and he found it hard to get back in.

fallfallfall · 14/05/2022 00:52

get a babysitter get a hobby. he probably had the hobby before you and before the kids.

Aria2015 · 14/05/2022 00:52

Golf widow here (summer especially!!). I used to resent it but now I just make sure I get some equivalent time to myself and it's made me feel better. Sometimes I feel like we miss out on family stuff as a result, but we do still do stuff together, we try and work around it. Weirdly I'm more relaxed with it now we have two than I was when we had one. No idea why!? Maybe I'm just resigned to my fate! Dh says he needs it for his mental health and I can see that it has physical benefits and helps him stay healthy so there are plus points to it. He wouldn't begrudge me an equivalent hobby I don't think, not that I've ever put that to the test! But I do get my own down time and spend time with girlfriends etc... Also, he would never dare complain about me spending money on something for myself given how much he spends on golf, so I do treat myself now and again too to keep things even!

My advice would be to either find a compromise or make sure you take some time for yourself too, so that you're both getting a break and doing something you want.

SaggyBlinders · 14/05/2022 00:59

Okay OP you have a one month old baby so I can see why you feel that way right now, and he should playing a bit less atm due to your recent new addition. But hobbies outside of your children are really, really important. You are not just mum and dad. You can and should have other interests and passions. Plus golf can actually be quite a family friendly sport, your kids could start learning when they are 5. My nephew started learning around that age, and is now a teenager who plays with either his dad, uncles, aunt and grandparents every weekend.

BreadInCaptivity · 14/05/2022 01:18

I think you're getting a rough response here OP.

Hobbies are important for both parents but in my experience when it comes to golf it's simply too much.

I'm not sure how many posters here understand that golf every Saturday means all day and that also true of one Sunday a month.

It's not going to the gym for a few hours or playing football for three hours.

I was a partner to a golfer and it was a significant factor why he's an ex.

It's ok in theory to say do your own hobbies but as a mother if you took out the same personal time out of the schedule that golf requires you'd never do anything as a family.

Where I think you are unreasonable is giving up your songwriting. You need to reclaim some space to do this.

Different clubs have different rules but I'd be surprised if he has to play as often as he does to continue his membership.

I wouldn't agree he needs to stop playing/give up membership but that there needs to be a better balance between you both having personal time and family time.

Maybe create a diary and colour out the time he has to himself, that you have and family time to show the current disparity?

BreadInCaptivity · 14/05/2022 01:22

Apologies - my paragraphs seem to have disappeared....