Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to give up golf now that we have a family?

190 replies

DisneyBaby · 14/05/2022 00:18

My husband has always played golf since being a little kid (apart from the first 2 years when we met). He plays every Saturday without fail and probably one Sunday a month and then once a week after work in the summer too. So some weeks up to 3 times, others only once.
We've been together 12 years and have a family now, a 2 year old and a 1 month old.
I personally feel that any hobbies like that should go on the back burner for a bit whilst we bring up our children and spend quality time together as much as possible. Instead of being a member of a club like he is at the moment, he should just play casually, maybe once a month or something, and then he can get back into it more passionately once our children are grown in 10-15 years, is that unreasonable??
My 2 year old understands everything now and often asks where Daddy is, and I'm getting fed up of saying 'Daddy playing golf today'... At some point she's going to start reasoning that he'd rather do that then spend time with us, which is upsetting for me let alone her...
I used to be a songwriter, that was my hobby but I gave it up about 5 years ago when we started trying for a family. I feel that he should give up his hobby now too. AIBU?

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 14/05/2022 07:19

Most of the clubs for children round here are Saturdays. Any child who is at a high level for sport will spend Saturdays either training or competing.
Sunday is our day family days out and it’s the same for probably 90% of the families I know.

Fizbosshoes · 14/05/2022 07:19

I'm not sure how many posters here understand that golf every Saturday means all day and that also true of one Sunday a month.

Its not compulsory to be all day!

DH took up golf (having never played at all in the 5 years I'd known him) the week our oldest child was born!Confused
He doesn't play now but he used to, in the summer, tee off really early like 6.30am before work sometimes. If he went on his own it took 3 hours. That's not particularly sociable, I know but it's a way of continuing his hobby without impinging on lots of family time.

OP , I would say YABU to want him to give up completely - especially for 10-15 years! However YANBU for wanting to have more family time and parenting support when your children are so young and need 24/7 attention. Maybe he could go once a week on his own (so it's a shorter period of time) or on a weekday and then once a month at the weekend.

rwalker · 14/05/2022 07:24

This is why so many relationships run into trouble you both still need to have hobbies and interest of your own .
Wanting partner to have no interest or hobbies for the next 10/15 years is a recipe for disaster.
People can have hobbies and families it's possible and generally leads to a happy healthier relationship when you both have hobbies and outside interest .

Find it very strange that OP gave up her hobbies before she even had a family .

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/05/2022 07:24

Yes YABU.

There is a compromise route.

WonderingWanda · 14/05/2022 07:25

My dh played golf when the kids were little, he got up early and was back for lunch then took over from me. He was flexible so didn't play every weekend if we had plans etc. He doesn't play regularly now because work has taken over his life and he made the choice that he wanted to spend weekends with the kids. I don't ever begdrudge him playing after work though. He is more than happy for me to have hobbies too.

I think there's a compromise to be had here. Decide whether you can cope with every other week or an earlier timing etc and then have a chat with him.

WildCoasts · 14/05/2022 07:25

There is surely a compromise here? If not, I suggest just getting on with it and doing fun things with the kids in tow. I was a sport widow until DH saw he was missing out on fun. He's more balanced now.

Dinoteeth · 14/05/2022 07:34

Op your being unreasonable expecting him to give up completely. But multiple times a week is OTT.

Do you never have time to see your friends? Your baby is only a month old so maybe a bit soon but you should make an effort to get out and see your friends.

Savoury · 14/05/2022 07:34

I don’t know how many posters understand that a 3 hour golf round is 4.5 when you all in a bit of putting practice, travel, waiting for tee offs or the pro..
My DH played the same amount as yours does when mine were younger and yes I resented it. Juggling newborns on a Saturday when you’ve been alone all week wasn’t great. It was like he was off to work again.
Now he doesn’t play at all and has turned to that other male obsession cycling! But I don’t mind either way as the kids are no longer small.

Hobbitfeet32 · 14/05/2022 07:41

YABU. Life can continue when you have children. It’s important to both have hobbies and interests outside of the children. Yes I agree with others that the amount of time spent doing a hobby may need to reduced to ensure that both parents can fit in their hobby and to allow some family time as well.

Exercise in my opinion should not be viewed as a hobby as such but should be considered a necessity for everyone. In the same way that eating and washing are essential for health, so is exercise and so should be facilitated as much as possible for all family members.

Simonjt · 14/05/2022 07:43

YABU, you choosing to give up your own hobbies is perfectly fine, but that doesn’t give you the right to ask the same of others.

I have rugby tots and actual rugby every saturday, training one night in the week and fixtures. My husband cycles and plays football. We still have plenty family time and general downtime.

Oblomov22 · 14/05/2022 07:47

YABU. No. He shouldn't need to give up golf. You should've talked about this before you started a family.

jacks11 · 14/05/2022 07:49

YABU

i have a time consuming hobby (horses/competing) that keeps my sanity- between a stressful job and children I need something that I do because I love it. If my DH had said “right, now we have children you must give this up or do it very infrequently” I’d have told him where to go. The truth is, he knows how much it means to me and would not ask me to give up/do it once a month unless there was no other choice (e.g. financially we could no longer afford it).

we both need time to ourselves and we both get it. We still have “family time” but it does not need to be all weekend/every evening. When the children were small I did less competing- but I still had to do the horse care. My DH never once complained, nor would I have been pleased had he decided for me what I could and could not do/how long I could spend/when I could do it. But he did get time to himself too. And I supported him in his work (farmer) too.

I would say it may be reasonable to discuss with him about how often he plays golf/how long each time and build in time for you to do something you enjoy- it doesn’t have to be exactly equal (unless you want it to/need it for your hobby) but each have time to be yourself not just “mum/dad” or “wife/husband”.

Bywayofanupdate · 14/05/2022 07:53

I would say he should reduce it, not give it up. 3x a week is s lit. You could also find something that you love doing and makd time for it.

BruceAndNosh · 14/05/2022 07:55

@BreadInCaptivityI'm not sure how many posters here understand that golf every Saturday means all day and that also true of one Sunday a month.
Golf doesn't take all day unless he's got a three hour commute to the golf course
Takes me under 4 hours to play 18 and I'm rubbish

HairyBum · 14/05/2022 07:57

You both need to retain your hobbies and interests on a weekly basis! He could have the kids for half a day while you do your hobby and then you could have the kids for half a day when he does his.

rookiemere · 14/05/2022 07:58

He's going to have to scale back when DCs are older as most activities are Saturday mornings.
Agree with others - it's about compromise. I'd start by claiming equal time to yourself as he takes for golf - who knows you might enjoy it.

Hurstlandshome · 14/05/2022 07:58

The trouble with things like this is that enforced stoppage will create resentment. I have a friend who's husband chose fishing over family life... they are getting divorced.

Why don't you start planning some Saturday activity of your own so that he has to be in with the kids? That way you get some time to yourself and his time at home is purposeful (looking after the kids)?

The reason I say purposeful is that my friend said that once she implemented a fishing ban, if they had a quiet Saturday where nothing much was going on, she always got the feeling that he was thinking 'I could be fishing' and there was resentment. Not that I believe it's your job to make parenting more fun! Just sharing her experience.

Ultimately he's being quite selfish. Hopefully you can have an open conversation about it and he'll cut it back a bit.

Ski4130 · 14/05/2022 07:58

We’ve got 3 dc, and neither dh or I have given up our interests BUT they have to now fit round the dc’s interests too. So dh can still play golf, and I can still go swimming, but we also have to facilitate the dcs sports lifts etc as long as that’s all covered, we can crack on.

Think I might be slightly lucky though, in that dh goes early doors in the summer, so is often up & out the house by 7am so it doesn’t really impact on too much. He plays in the evenings too, but rarely weekends as that’s usually full of ferrying the children around, and standing on various sidelines. His gym time is done on his lunch break and I combine my lake swims with dropping our eldest at work (weekends) so two birds with one stone.

SallyWD · 14/05/2022 07:58

I think 3 days a week is too much. As for the Saturday it depends how long he's out for. All day every Saturday then no, I wouldn't like that. 9am to 1pm every Saturday (for example), personally I wouldn't mind it. It works both ways - you should also be allowed some time to yourself each week. I do believe parents are still people, still individuals (not just husbands, dads, mums and wives) and should be allowed time to themselves. Three times a week with young kids is too much though.

ChoiceMummy · 14/05/2022 08:00

You chose to give up your hobby before even having a child. Your choice.

He hasn't. I don't think that is unreasonable per se. However, agree that the frequency needs reviewing.

Ultimately, you knew this hobby existed to this degree well over a decade ago, so cannot expect that all of life is lost due to having children.

fizzyfood · 14/05/2022 08:03

If golfing all day on a Saturday I think every week is unreasonable, once a month is ok and one evening every week is ok.

Sunflower06 · 14/05/2022 08:04

👋🏻 fellow golf widow here!

We have a 5 year old and 2 year old, when the boys were younger my dh only played once a week on either weekday. Now he plays twice a week and goes to the golf range sometimes after the boys are asleep. I don't mind this now, I'd never have asked him to stop playing, its his hobby but he did understand why i asked him just to play once a week while the kids were babies.

Don't give up your hobbies either.

WimpoleHat · 14/05/2022 08:05

The deal in our house is that if he plays golf at weekends he tees off really early and is home in time for lunch

That’s a decent compromise. It was a bit like that in our house when our kids were little; my DH loved his golf and would carve out a few hours for it, but it would be “an early 9 holes” rather than constantly being out for the whole day. I had to reduce my hobbies hugely too and only went sporadically. Luckily one of my kids really likes it too, so now we go together, but
when they were small it went on the back burner. A whole weekend day a week, every week, seems unreasonable to me.

Sunflower06 · 14/05/2022 08:08

Sorry i meant to say he played either weekend day and he always makes sure he plays early morning so he is usually back by 1pm at the latest.

Namenic · 14/05/2022 08:08

I would say he can only do it once he has done 50% of household duties/childcare (or 10-15% if he works longer hours than you - whatever you agree is a fair split). The question is - is he spending enough time with kids and doing his share of housework? If yes, then he can do his hobby. If no, then his hobby has to be cut down.