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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to give up golf now that we have a family?

190 replies

DisneyBaby · 14/05/2022 00:18

My husband has always played golf since being a little kid (apart from the first 2 years when we met). He plays every Saturday without fail and probably one Sunday a month and then once a week after work in the summer too. So some weeks up to 3 times, others only once.
We've been together 12 years and have a family now, a 2 year old and a 1 month old.
I personally feel that any hobbies like that should go on the back burner for a bit whilst we bring up our children and spend quality time together as much as possible. Instead of being a member of a club like he is at the moment, he should just play casually, maybe once a month or something, and then he can get back into it more passionately once our children are grown in 10-15 years, is that unreasonable??
My 2 year old understands everything now and often asks where Daddy is, and I'm getting fed up of saying 'Daddy playing golf today'... At some point she's going to start reasoning that he'd rather do that then spend time with us, which is upsetting for me let alone her...
I used to be a songwriter, that was my hobby but I gave it up about 5 years ago when we started trying for a family. I feel that he should give up his hobby now too. AIBU?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 14/05/2022 06:22

18 holes for any reasonable player is about 4 hours so if he tees off early, in the summer he can be back for lunch.

yabu to expect him to give it up for 15 years. It would be better to find a compromise.

Lifestooshort57 · 14/05/2022 06:25

DH is getting ready to leave to tee off now. I'm ok with that as he'll be done around late morning / midday. Could your DH not do that? I do understand if it cuts right through the day, its a bit annoying.

Sally090807 · 14/05/2022 06:31

Badlifeday · 14/05/2022 00:33

Golf takes too long. Being away from the dc for a full day every weekend (assuming he works during the week) is pants. How much time does he spend with his (very small) dc?

A round of golf takes around 4 hours so now it’s daylight early and dark late why doesn’t he play early morning or late afternoon so he can spend the rest of the day with you and your children.

PatchworkElmer · 14/05/2022 06:34

I don’t think he should be playing whilst the baby is so young- maybe take a few months off over the summer.

I’m surprised you didn’t discuss this before having children! My DH was playing sport at top (amateur) lever before we had DC, which involved at least 1 full day competing and then 2 training sessions a week which wrote off 2 evenings. We had a talk before DC was born and he decided to step down to a team in a lower league, which means he only goes to training if it works for him and us (rarely) and games are more local so don’t write off a full day. I wouldn’t stop him from doing his hobby entirely though- and I make sure I take some time for myself in return which stops me feeling too resentful, although it is still hard at times.

DonAlfonso · 14/05/2022 06:39

YABVU to have given up your own hobby.

On the golf, is cutting down an option? If he tees off early it’s only a half day. Once a week? And you also get a half day to do what you want.

I don’t think giving everything up and subsuming yourself totally into parenthood is a recipe for happiness.

Sally090807 · 14/05/2022 06:40

You’re never going to get a golfer to give up golf but maybe asking him to tee off around 3-4pm is a compromise.

LoveSpringDaffs · 14/05/2022 06:46

YABVU.

One evening pw isn't a big deal, and as loads of people have said, an early T on a Saturday, he'll be home for lunchtime.

Occasional Sundays for special events.

if his golf buddies don't want to T off early on a Saturday, then he'll need to get new Saturday golf buddies & play with the current ones in the week.

He's only BU if he doesn't agree to that.

Why in gods name did you give up song writing when you were trying to get pregnant. Completely unnecessary. Nothing to stop you doing it now, except lack of enthusiasm.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 14/05/2022 06:47

YABU. Don't be that couple who has nothing to talk about apart from their kids.

kimfox · 14/05/2022 06:47

My immediate thought was that you could suggest every other week because if you get divorced over it he will have the kids all to himself every other weekend anyway. But that's putting a gun to his head so basically whilst I don't think YABU, you did know about this and it's a "shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted" situation. You need to try and work out a compromise of course whether that be the times he goes off to play or the frequency. You deserve to have some time to do what you want too. If, as a family, you don't have plans I guess he can't see the problem with playing if all he's missing is being in the house. Does he play with the kids when he is at home? Is he a good father and husband when he's with you all? Making him give it up will cause huge resentment so whilst of course you should have discussed it beforehand you obviously need to tell him how you feel and be willing to compromise.

Sally090807 · 14/05/2022 06:47

It can be hard though, my ex was a keen runner and would go out running 7 days a week. One day my son was in the garden when he was very young, he was playing with his football. His dad came outside in his running gear. My son ran over to him and asked him to play football. His dad said no as he was now going for a run. I said to his dad that his son wanted a game of football.
He repeated again that he was going off for a run. I asked him where his priorities were. His reply was “I’ve always been a runner” and off he went.

wouldthatbeworse · 14/05/2022 06:53

Yanbu. One evening a week is fine if he’s not out much otherwise but whole days at weekends should be a monthly treat . And yes to time to yourself. It may be unrealistic to have whole days off right now but a couple of hours in the house by yourself on a Sunday morning are very restorative

Louise0701 · 14/05/2022 06:56

YABU. It’s important to still have things for yourself when you have a family. You say yourself he has done this almost all his life. You knew he had this hobby before you had 2 children with him so you can’t throw it in his face now

OhamIreally · 14/05/2022 06:59

Why did he not play for two years when you first got together?

Pinkmagic1 · 14/05/2022 07:03

It is very important to maintain our own interests when we become parents. It helps us keep our own identities and is excellent for our mental health. However, we have to get a balance and sometimes this does mean cutting back.

Golf is often an all day affair and it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to reduce the number of Saturdays he does it or start really early in the morning so he is done by lunchtime.

Merryclaire · 14/05/2022 07:05

I think it’s such a shame that he’d rather spend precious Saturdays playing golf than with his young children. I don’t think he should give it up completely as it is important to him, but he should cut it right back while the kids are young - just go once or twice a month.
You’ll only have this time once.

userxx · 14/05/2022 07:08

Why did you give up your hobby?

cptartapp · 14/05/2022 07:08

Work it out. A third of both your free time for him to do his hobby without DC, a third for you to whatever you want without DC, and a third together.
Anything that leaves you doing more childcare in joint free time is unfair.
Was he like this after DC1 was born?
Make sure your contraception is watertight.

KangarooKenny · 14/05/2022 07:09

No he shouldn’t give up golf. But you should get equal time to do your own thing.

custardbear · 14/05/2022 07:10

Golf can be a long game so perhaps he should reduce the time to 9 holes abs reduce the amount of times he goes, but absolutely not give up! You need a release and hobbies cater for this, you'd be unreasonable to expect him to give up.

notanothertakeaway · 14/05/2022 07:10

I'm not a golfer, but if it takes 3-4 hours, why does it need to take all day? Could he play at 8am, home in time for lunch? I know a few people who do that

Merryclaire · 14/05/2022 07:11

Also I can’t believe how many people think it’s ok for him to go every Saturday as long as he’s back home for his lunch (which presumably will be prepared for him). Never heard of a family day out on a Saturday?!
And the suggestions you should use this time as your hobby time?! What, when you’re looking after a baby and a toddler? Ridiculous.

Bornsloppy · 14/05/2022 07:14

You knew what he did before you got into a serious relationship so it's not like he suddenly took up golf as soon as DC1 arrived. Have you discussed it? Why did you give up your hobby and why can't you carry on with it? You should both be having leisure time (obviously more difficult with a 1mo in tow)

DH has a football season ticket, when we had our first we agreed he'd go to league games only and wouldn't go to the extra cup games.

AuntieMarys · 14/05/2022 07:17

Mine played every Saturday morning...home by 1. I then had the rest of Saturday to myself. We had a family day on Sunday which was quite enough.
He always played early in the morning

HairyScaryMonster · 14/05/2022 07:18

My friends DH would get the earliest tee slot and be back late morning, sacrificing his lie in.

Personally I think with 2 very little ones, once a month and the odd evening sounds reasonable.

Squillerman · 14/05/2022 07:18

FIL did this with cricket. He worked away all week then at the weekend he’d go to play cricket all weekend sometimes, other times just all day Saturday. MIL really resented him and felt lonely so started having an affair.

If it’s not a activity that takes up much time such as running or going to the gym it isn’t a big issue, even playing a game of football once a week wouldn’t be so bad. I think it’s more the length of time something like golf takes. He shouldn’t be doing it weekly when he has a toddler and baby at home anymore, maybe once a month.