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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to give up golf now that we have a family?

190 replies

DisneyBaby · 14/05/2022 00:18

My husband has always played golf since being a little kid (apart from the first 2 years when we met). He plays every Saturday without fail and probably one Sunday a month and then once a week after work in the summer too. So some weeks up to 3 times, others only once.
We've been together 12 years and have a family now, a 2 year old and a 1 month old.
I personally feel that any hobbies like that should go on the back burner for a bit whilst we bring up our children and spend quality time together as much as possible. Instead of being a member of a club like he is at the moment, he should just play casually, maybe once a month or something, and then he can get back into it more passionately once our children are grown in 10-15 years, is that unreasonable??
My 2 year old understands everything now and often asks where Daddy is, and I'm getting fed up of saying 'Daddy playing golf today'... At some point she's going to start reasoning that he'd rather do that then spend time with us, which is upsetting for me let alone her...
I used to be a songwriter, that was my hobby but I gave it up about 5 years ago when we started trying for a family. I feel that he should give up his hobby now too. AIBU?

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman2 · 14/05/2022 01:23

So you knew he’d been doing this since childhood, but suddenly expected him to stop? Why?

BreadInCaptivity · 14/05/2022 01:41

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 14/05/2022 01:23

So you knew he’d been doing this since childhood, but suddenly expected him to stop? Why?

Perhaps because we become adults and have additional responsibilities?

Dancer47 · 14/05/2022 01:47

I live near, and worked at, a well-known membership golf club for quite a few years. Mostly male members of all classes and occupations. Apart from work/ business, golf was the most important thing in their lives by a mile, with their families way down on the list of priorities. Golf seems different to all other sports in the way it gets some men. I made sure not to marry a golfer. He won't give it up OP.

Sweepingeyelashes · 14/05/2022 01:49

My husband plays golf three times a week - never on the weekends. The weekends were non-negotiable for me. But he did have flexible hours. He didn't play that much when our children were small and certainly not with a month old baby in the house.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 14/05/2022 01:50

BreadInCaptivity · 14/05/2022 01:41

Perhaps because we become adults and have additional responsibilities?

Show quote history

Do all adults have to become po-faced and supercilious?

Neu · 14/05/2022 02:10

Compromise. My exH was a golfer who changed to playing once on a Saturday morning - home by around midday and one evening a week after work. Worked for us.

AnAfternoonWalk · 14/05/2022 02:35

NancyDrooo · 14/05/2022 00:48

The deal in our house is that if he plays golf at weekends he tees off really early and is home in time for lunch (which he also has to make).

When the kids were younger they had Sunday morning films and snacks which kept them quiet. Now they’re older I get a proper lie in with the bed all to myself, then I potter about for a couple of hours, then I get a nice lunch made for me. Bliss.

Embrace the golf. Use the golf. Go and do something for yourself. He owes you hours 😀

This sounds reasonable. And maybe he could cut back to a couple times a month. 3 times a week is excessive when he has a wife and children, which should now be his first priority. He doesn’t have to give it up but do it a bit less and go early in the morning and get done by lunch.

Early on my husband had season tickets to university football and basketball games men and women) and it seemed like we were going to games 4 times a week. Let me tell you, that stopped once we started a family. Hobbies are fantastic but when you have a family, that those hobbies are not the end all be all anymore.

ouch321 · 14/05/2022 02:40

You sound boring.
People are allowed to do things for fun.

Roselilly36 · 14/05/2022 02:52

My DH & DS1 are very keen golfers, DH had played since 7, he did stop playing when the children were very little for about 6 years. I encouraged him to take it up again. I agree it takes up quite a lot of the day, can be up 3-4hrs, for the round, then drinks, something to eat in the bar etc. Personally, I quite like him and DS1 out for a few hours, gives me time with DS2. But if it’s stressing you OP, you need to talk about it, you deserve a break too. It’s a difficult time when you have a very young family.

FourOclock · 14/05/2022 03:20

My husband also plays golf, and has another hobby that is seasonal but is normally out 8am - 10pm every other weekend or so for a few months. We have a 2 year old and 3 year old and he also often works 7 days a week at certain times of year.

The last few years he has hardly had chance to play golf to be honest, 3 times a week is excessive. Now the kids are getting a bit older he has started doing it a bit more, but he will also return the favour with a lie in for me/asking his mum to babysit, something along those lines. With the other hobby, he has started taking the children and not staying as late, or taking them for the day and then I collect them and he stays on for the evening.

I'm pregnant again now so things will change again for a couple of years, but generally I think there is a balance between quitting a hobby altogether or doing it three times a week. It's reasonable to prioritise family for the first few early years when it's all a big slog, but hopefully you can find a balance that works for all of you as the kids get older

Ragwort · 14/05/2022 03:30

Surely you discuss this sort of thing before you have a DC, or at the very least before you had the second one. I never understand women who seem to think their DHs will miraculously change overnight because they've got a baby. Agree with everyone else, there is surely a compromise... no one should give up all their hobbies and interests just because they are a parent. My DH and I were able to balance our hobbies and 'me time' (hate that expression but you know what I mean) with raising a DC. And now that DH is retiring I am so glad he has a hobby he loves (golf !) - plus our now adult DS has also grown up to love golf!

Jjnbftgkhfrvjudv · 14/05/2022 03:31

I think YABU to expect him to wait 10-15 years for him to go back to his hobby😂. Everyone needs a break from being around young kids all the time as long as he’s pulling his weight the rest of the time. Could you find yourself an activity to do once a week ?

MissMaple82 · 14/05/2022 04:26

I think your being unreasonable.

Calphurnia88 · 14/05/2022 04:33

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 14/05/2022 01:23

So you knew he’d been doing this since childhood, but suddenly expected him to stop? Why?

Things change when you decide to have a family, a decision which DH was presumably party to.

As a PP has already said, golf is a very time consuming pastime and every Saturday, plus one Sunday a month, massively impact family time at the weekend. I don't think it's fair to ask DP to give up his hobby altogether, but I do think it's fair to ask him to dial it down so he can prioritise time with his children. Otherwise is he spending any quality time with DC, or is this all falling onto mum?

Tamzo85 · 14/05/2022 04:48

YABU. It’s a hobby once a week apparently for what 3 or 4 hours. Even if it was twice a week that isn’t a big deal.

I also don’t understand what the big deal is about telling your son daddy is playing golf when he asks where he is. He’s not going to be traumatised or neglected by that - he’ll just think “daddy plays golf”. He’ll probably think of it’s as a daddy thing and want to copy in some cute way. Sounds like your more upset than the kid.

Tamzo85 · 14/05/2022 04:51

@FourOclock

is a couple of hours 3 times a week excessive? Plenty of people socialise that much or go to the gym. Would you be upset if he worked those extra hours?

Seems like some wives get upset over golf because they see it as “doing nothing” but men need their hobbies I guess.

Tamzo85 · 14/05/2022 04:53

Neu · 14/05/2022 02:10

Compromise. My exH was a golfer who changed to playing once on a Saturday morning - home by around midday and one evening a week after work. Worked for us.

@Neu

Doesnt sound like it worked that well.

melcalfe · 14/05/2022 05:12

You are completely in the right. BUT did you not discuss this before you had (2) children?

You knew it was a huge hobby to him did you not even casually talk about him winding it down after one kid, after second kid..?

stuntbubbles · 14/05/2022 05:15

ouch321 · 14/05/2022 02:40

You sound boring.
People are allowed to do things for fun.

Being left in sole charge of two children every Saturday while your husband fucks off to twat about a glorified field instead of parenting probably does make someone boring, tired, exasperated, no fun. OP might find the fun if things were equitable.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 14/05/2022 05:19

YANBU to want him to cut back.

YABVU to want him to give it up for 10-15 years!

My DH did actually give up playing rugby when our DC were little, then since our eldest turned 5 he’s always joined it with their hobbies. He competed in surf sport for a few years and now plays soccer as that’s what DS plays.

I understand golf is a bit different though, it’s not really something you can go along to. With DH we all go along and watch him play, and he loves having us there. I sit and chat with the other partners (or watch from the car if I’m feeling antisocial!) and all the kids hang out together on the sidelines.

You should definitely pick your songwriting back up! What a great hobby!

Mally100 · 14/05/2022 05:31

ilovesooty · 14/05/2022 00:22

Surely you should have discussed this before planning a family? Have you never talked about it?

This. Yabu. You knew exactly how much of a passion this was for him, not just a hobby.

Neu · 14/05/2022 05:44

@Tamzo85 not remotely why we split up!

FourOclock · 14/05/2022 05:58

Tamzo85 · 14/05/2022 04:51

@FourOclock

is a couple of hours 3 times a week excessive? Plenty of people socialise that much or go to the gym. Would you be upset if he worked those extra hours?

Seems like some wives get upset over golf because they see it as “doing nothing” but men need their hobbies I guess.

It's not a couple of hours though is it? Even my husband is saying it's 5 hours minimum depending on other people on the course, and that's without going for a pint etc. 15 hours a week on top of I assume a full time job is a loooot when the other parent is at home 24/7 with a 4 month old.

NamechangeFML · 14/05/2022 06:07

You shouldve put the foot down before DC1 ? Hell be thinking that youre fine or unbothered or hes gotten away with it? C'mon OP.....

hobbies are nice but its rarely the mum that's disappearing for hours each week is it?
tell him to pick a day : an evening or a weekend MORNING
youll be having a lie in on the other weekend morning

expect pushback as this be a shock to him but you either stick to your guns now or never get a minutes peace again

KatherineJaneway · 14/05/2022 06:10

YABU expecting him to just give up a lifelong hobby without any conversation about it beforehand.