To expect husband to give up golf now that we have a family?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband has always played golf since being a little kid (apart from the first 2 years when we met). He plays every Saturday without fail and probably one Sunday a month and then once a week after work in the summer too. So some weeks up to 3 times, others only once.
We've been together 12 years and have a family now, a 2 year old and a 1 month old.
I personally feel that any hobbies like that should go on the back burner for a bit whilst we bring up our children and spend quality time together as much as possible. Instead of being a member of a club like he is at the moment, he should just play casually, maybe once a month or something, and then he can get back into it more passionately once our children are grown in 10-15 years, is that unreasonable??
My 2 year old understands everything now and often asks where Daddy is, and I'm getting fed up of saying 'Daddy playing golf today'... At some point she's going to start reasoning that he'd rather do that then spend time with us, which is upsetting for me let alone her...
I used to be a songwriter, that was my hobby but I gave it up about 5 years ago when we started trying for a family. I feel that he should give up his hobby now too. AIBU?

I think when the children are quite young sacrafices have to be made. DH is a golfer but gave it up before DD went to school (well he still had the odd game), he works nights / weekends so when DD was at school and he wasnt on nights he would bugger off during the week.

YABU.

DH plays rugby every Saturday afternoon so usually leaves around 2pm and home just before bedtime.

I go to the gym three times a week after work and usually get home before or just after bedtime.

It's important to keep your hobbies when you become a parent so you don't lose yourself completely.

YABU.
If you were asking is it reasonable for him to maybe cut down a day then that would be a different question but giving up a hobby for 10-15 years is very extreme.

I used to be a songwriter, that was my hobby but I gave it up about 5 years ago when we started trying for a family. I feel that he should give up his hobby now too. AIBU?

Sounds like you just stopped being interested in your own hobby so you don’t want him to have one either. Why would you need to give up all interests before even having kids?

🤔All the posters saying it’s a couple of hours a week??? Either you’ve never played/your OH doesn’t play or my OH is conning me big style!!! I don’t know if it depends on the course but you can’t get round in 2 hours!!

Having some life of your own when you are a parent is really important. Lots of hobbys take up a lot of time. Horse riding, cycling, running, etc. There has to be a compromise. He can still play but half a day and then he has the DC on his own for half a day. If he plays one evening then you get one to yourself too.
DH gave up his football season ticket when DS was little (now they go together) but he didn't give up running. I go to classes and out with friends for my "me time'". Don't stop being you to be a parent

Depends on what time they tee off, how many holes they are playing, number of golfers in their group, and how good they are. My boyfriend can easily get round 9 holes in 2 hours or less if he tees off first and is playing with one or two other people who are good. 18 holes usually takes 3 - 4 hours ish. If they get stuck behind a slower group then it takes longer, but that's rare. He usually leaves at 7am on a Saturday and is back by 11am.

Golf takes 4 hours minimum, more often closer to 6 hours including drive there and back.
And I have up songwriting because we were moving into our house and so I stopped to save money, but he wouldn't stop his hobby for the same reasons at the time nor now to spend more time with us..

And I'm not asking him to give up completely. I just thinking instead of being a member of a club and playing every week, he should be more of a casual player and play once a once or something for fun instead..

People are allowed to have both hobbies and children you know.

a 3 hour round of golf once a week isn't much to ask. And as a seasonal sport, it probably won't be every week in november - february. And why on earth would anyone give up a solitary hobby like songwriting, which you do at home, on your own, when they start just trying to be pregnant?

Yes being a parent will be a big part of your life but when it's ALL your life that's when you have issues. Wanting to put your life entirely on hold with no hobbies or anything else for 15 years is just lunacy.

How does stopping songwriting save money?

This - get a hobby, make sure you both have you time. Don't make him stop or resentment will build up. 2/3 times a week is not unreasonable.

I think compromises need to be made but not that he gives up. Could he get an earlier tee time on Saturday so he is done by lunch so you have a day and a half together or could he just play mid week? My dad still blames us kids (lightheartedly) for ruining his scratch handicap and he played golf once a week for my whole childhood!

YABU. If you want to make yourself a martyr by giving all your hobbies up just because you’ve had kids, that’s your decision but that doesn’t mean he should give his up.

I'm married to a cricketer, so in the summer he's gone every Saturday, 10-7(or more realistically, 10-10 with drinks after), and out at least one evening a week for training. He's played for nearly 30 years, it's hugely important to him. This year, we've got a toddler and a newborn and his team is in a high league so lots of travelling. We discussed this season at length. The deal is, he misses more games than he usually would (so maybe he plays 3 or 4 a month rather than every week) and he facilitates me getting several hours to myself every week.

As we've got an EBF newborn this takes the shape of a LONG bath on a Sunday morning with the door locked, and an evening at the bar down the road with a posh drink and my book every week, but when the baby is less reliant on me that will turn into a day out for me every few weeks and more time to myself in between.

I can't imagine telling him he can't play. I also can't imagine sucking it up and doing a tonne of solo childcare with nothing in return.

I think YABU a bit. But could he look at moving to a closer golf club, to save time getting there and back, and getting the earliest possible tee time? This is what my husband does, and he's very flexible depending on what me and DS are doing.

She has a toddler and a newborn, I don't think that they're doing much elite sports training... And the comments about days out etc also miss the point, at that stage I would guess that OP wants her DH around more to share the day-to-day work of having two tiny children, particularly as I'd guess she's on maternity leave and so on her own with them during the week.

@Hardbackwriter I was supposed to quote the PP who said her DH should quit because Saturdays are for family days out.

But for the sake of being pedantic, I will add here that both my daughter and I were in squad training from the age of 4 and competed in the same sport. Both started at 3.

Things change when you decide to have a family, a decision which DH was presumably party to.

Obviously you're wrong, if it was necessarily true that things change, the OP would not be posting here with this problem.

She could have resolved this in advance by having a discussion, at which my guess is it would have emerged that he was fine with not having children, if the alternative was giving up the things that made life worth living, for him.

There's a compromise to be had. No-one should have to give up hobbies and it's not really healthy to turn all your attention inwards towards your family. You are are both still people too. However, he is taking too much time away from family. You should have equal time to yourselves.

YABU. If you wanted to give up your hobby that's down to you - he doesn't need to give up his hobby just because he's a dad.

You're still people not just parents.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. You knew about his hobby before starting a family and everyone's allowed a day/evening off. Not sure how hands on he is the rest of the time but having children shouldn't mean giving up the things you love doing.

the time you have described is not bad. Why would having a child have you stop writing songs?

Nobody should need to give up their hobbies just cause they have children.
Might need to cut down on the hobby for a while but not give it up.

You’re being unreasonable. He could maybe cut down a little but just because you stupidly gave up your hobby doesn’t mean he has to give up his. My husband plays golf but he tees off early so he’s back before dinnertime and we still have time together. You may just need to compromise a little bit.

So YABU in thinking he has to give up golf, YANBU to think he should maybe just play a bit less. My DH plays a lot of golf, and honestly I find myself saying ‘daddy’s at golf’ a lot more than I’d like and he doesn’t play quite as much as your DH. The issue with golf being a hobby is the money and time. DH spends hundreds (probably thousands after his new golf clubs this year) and has to drive to get to a course where he’ll do a full 18 holes and a drink after. Sometimes he’s out 6 hours.
It’s not like an hour a week playing football or a half an hour run every evening, it takes up huge chunks of time. This along with going to the driving range, golf comps and dinners it’s a lot and I feel your frustration OP.
Compromise is the only way forward. I think one round a week is more than sufficient and you’ll just have to explain to him you need the help! If he’s not willing to sacrifice a game to help you with the children then that’s a different issue.